you keep saying things written down is better then saying them out loud. Maybe thats what I am doing wrong to try to get through to you. Writing things down has always been a way for me to get my anger, worries and sadness down and out my mind but I have never had to address it to someone else for them to actually read it. Excuse my english , punctuation etc because dyslexia is a bitch.
I have so many things that bothers me about us right now and I am sick of having to keep telling you the same things over and over again. Why donât you just stop. Listen. Think. I have a heart. A warm beating heart that is sensitive, beaten up and bruised. Itâs got itâs scars, big ones at that but it still beats and loves you. It reminds me of the little cartoon one from that animation i liked with the two little boys who love each other and the ginger boys heart tries his best to get them together. Genuinely feel like that us sometimes. My heart only wants you and youâre away doing something else. Itâs pointless pain that i have told you to fix and all you say is sorry and âill be a better boyfriend, i promiseâ. Its exhausting and just sad.
Your arguments are almost always wrong / got nothing to add and its just repetition. This part frustrates me so much because you dont get it nor really seem to want to understand it. what. you. say. doesnât. matter. you. still. done. it. You make up these lies, these âfalse statements to try and dig yourself out these holes but it never works. You talk over me and get frustrated that i dont listen but why should i? why do you have the right to be heard after you dont with me. I genuinly want to punch my laptop right now cause youâre so exhausting. I guess you will make a good lawyer one day because you can sure in heck argue a shit point across and try to make it work. Im not an idiot though and i know when im being lied to. You need to listen to me. Not let it go through one ear and out the other. Like reallyyyyyyyyyy listen to me. Take the time to process my words and realise â was what i was going to say actually the thing she wants to hearâ or â help my cause? â or âimportantâ or mainly âthe truthâ should i not just admit to it instead of making a stupid long ass excuse and watching my girlfriend get fired up to the point i can see her face turn red, smoke come from her ears, fire coming from her mouth and feel her heart beat rise up as i touch her to say another stupid point. I cannot explain this enough but Michal you need to stop. think. and not just say everything out of ânervousnessâ. You're being stupid.
If i am shouting at you because i am frustrated with you because you have genuinely fucked up this time. That gives you no right to shout me down, put your stupid opinion in and stick your finger in my face and tell me âif youâre not going to listen to me i will not listen to youâ I do not need to hear you Michal! you need to hear me. I am the one upset so you should be listening to me instead of giving me a mouthful from you about how you are in the right. We both know in the end it always ends up with me crying crocodile tears while you sit in silence thinking âwow i fucked itâ and saying the most hated words of â i am sorry, i will be better i promiseâ. I wish you could see this everytime because you donât. How many times have i told you this when we fight? it makes my blood boil!
You take that plate. You smash the plate. The plate is broken. Say sorry to the plate. You say sorry. Is it fixed? No. Your sorrys dont do anything, itâs overrated. The meaning of sorry is you are genuinely upset and you want to apologise and NOT do it again. Do not say it if you keep doing it. Sorry aint a get out a jail free card.
My heart is braking every thoughtless action, every âsorryâ that comes out your mouth, everyday. I am already a very damaged person and you seem to ânot thinkâ ânot understandâ or not want to hear what i have to say as your point of view is still more important? I feel my heart braking in two looking into the eyes of a âmanâ i love who used to have the purest white heart I knew turn into something dull and nasty.Â
I want your kindness, respect, care, thoughtfulness, compassion, love, your heart. I dont need your flowers, your aplogoy card or your chocolate, the exact basic stuff that a man will get his lady when he fucks up. I want thought, i want meaning. I want your kindness. You can tallk about how you werenât âtrying to buy my loveâ but how can i feel like you arent? I dont accept your apology as you hand me said items and you question why i didnât bin them if I didnât appreciate your kind gesture. I never asked for this nor didnât i want this shit to happen where your âkind gestureâ was the only thing you could offer me. Your âfalse statmentsâ aka lies are not okay but you continue to make them. I donât want your sorrys, i dont want your explaining. I want your kindess and your thoughts. It isnât hard.Â
âMaybe I am not good enough for youâ Lets stop there. Lets stop with the âmaybeâ and the âprobablyâ. Lets be sure on our answers as these words show you have not understood and show you are confused yourself as to if these are your thoughts and answers. Second that is not it at all and itâs insulting you would give up so easily. If you truly understood / wanted to change this statement wouldnât of came out your mouth. You were a boy who kept coming back to me , cared about me and tried to heal me. Who wouldnât fall for that. Thats all that I wanted from you, you were always good enough. Your heart was always good enough because it made my rotten cold heart warm. You showed me what true love was. Itâs sad that now only you are the one with a cold heart.Â
I am not a prefect human being and I have treated so many guys bad in my life time because i didnât know what it took to love them. I got damaged and damaged people damage others. You my friend have no excuse. I managed to turn my life around and show someone that i love them. You never felt true pain and it shows. You would appreciate the little things and the big things that i have done and you would love me. Saying you love me and you would die for me blah blah blah will never be enough. I am not dumb. I have loved others before and fell for their dumb toxic words that made me stay. I am not making that mistake of falling for the words unless they show me.
It makes me sad when i am screaming at you in the car, crying and questioning my life decisions and you try to tell me you love me the same as i love you. Look around you. We are sat in a car which i contribute to, as we inhale the car air freshener i bought, using the tissues i bought and kept here for your trip to Amsterdam on valentines day while i sat alone ill. Your glove department is full of my thoughts of your everyday life. You listen to your music in the car because of me and charge your phone while you can now go anywhere because of me. After a long day of uni you can come home and play that expensive game, with your expensive headphones because a kind soul bought you it, when your done? hang it up cause you can now. When you go to sleep know you are warm because you sleep in someone elses bed sheets. Wash your body knowing you will never run out, but you basically lost that luxury because i refused to fund you after out last fight. So you can dry your ass with my favourite tye dye towel that i know you love because its big. So many things that you wouldnât have and it can all be stripped away from you just. like. that. DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON YOUR FUCKING MONEY. you should know better.
I wear socks with holes in while you are walking around in the new socks I have bought you. The socks you put holes in and donât replace. My socks.
âI love youâ is such a cruel sentence to me. One boy said it and would run back and fourth to his ex. Ive had junkie with a swinging jaw say it to me. Iâve had you say it. I have had a boy say that his pupils got bigger because he loved me and he was staring at something beautiful. One was on coke and one was a liar. I have had a boy hold me tight and say itâs because they loved me. One boy missed being held by someone else, one boy was panicking on drugs and the last boy was scared of the dark. I cannot do this all again, say it and mean it. If not set me free because my heart cannot take it anymore.
