When I posted about my trip to Weis, i got some really interesting questions and some really rude questions and had alot of nice conversations about randy with other people, which was great, I really wasn't expecting any kind of response at all.
One of the questions I got the most was "why? Why do you go there?"
And I dont see this as a nasty question or an opportunity to be rude. I haven't individually answered any of them because I was trying to come up with a blanket response but it was a little harder than I thought it would be, but I've thought alot about it recently and I've finally got the words I want to use together, so I'm going to try my best not to sound silly.
I would be lying if I said I was interested in the shooting or with randy as soon as it happened. The shooting actually took place on my 23rd birthday. I live in a part Maryland that borders Pennsylvania, and puts me about 4 hours from tunkhannock where the shooting happened. I read about it very briefly when it happened and that was that, it wasn't really high on my radar at the time. I've been interested in true crime since I was about 14, there really wasn't a platform to share that interest on at that time. My earlier tumblr days had a big emphasis on jeffrey dahmer because he was what I was most interested in. I had become very much obsessed with him and being on this website gave me the freedom to post about him and talk to other people about him which was something I didn't have before. I've had several other hyperfixations of the same kind since I've been on here (Columbine, dylann roof etc.)
When I found randy, I wasnt really sure what he had even done, I knew he had been an active shooter and had committed suicide but that was about it. When I got further into him and watched his youtube videos, read his posts, things like that, I was absolutely invested in it, in him. I'm not really sure what it is about him that draws me to him, I'm still trying to figure it out.
When I found out that the Weis was only 4 hours from my home, I was able to convince my brother to take the trip with me there for the first time in January 2019. It was a long, cold trip, in the middle of January. We had to drive up a mountain to get there (literally). We ended up getting to the store around 6 in the afternoon, after it was already dark.
That night when we arrived back home, I had the time to really reflect on where we went.
He died there. The last place he ever set foot in alive was that fucking grocery store. It must have been one of the quietest, loneliest moments of his entire life when he killed himself. His family was at home, asleep in bed, while he was killing himself only a few minutes away. He was someone's something. He existed.
I humanize randy stair. I dont see him as a monster because I choose not to. I see his actions as awful but I dont see him as awful. I dont believe he was a collection of his actions.
Going to that grocery store is important to me. When I say it outloud, it sounds..stupid. I dont ever tell anyone except my family and one or two of my close friends when I go because I dont want to have to explain why I am going there. I have a fear that an explanation would also create the misconception that I'm going there for something disgusting or for shock value gore or something like that. That couldn't be further from the truth.
Seeing that store and walking it gives me a sense of realness I couldn't get from anywhere else, it makes him tangible. I'm never emotional when I am there because I feel like it wouldn't be appropriate. I never go alone, I've been 3 times and my brother accompanies me. We have fun on the trip, we laugh, we listen to music, we stop at restaurants and Walmarts and we have a fun time. But, we both know where we are going. We know things will be different when we get there. It's a quiet experience inside. We dont laugh and carry on in the store. He understands why I go there and he has never questioned me about it.
The second time I went, I cried when I got home. I cried for a long time. I wasnt really sure why, I just was. It was hard, harder than it had been the time before that. I didn't cry the last time I was there and I probably wont anymore when I return.
I have a connection to randy stair that I'm not sure can really be explained. I dont know how to explain it. Going to that store and seeing it, touching it, makes me feel better. It makes me feel less alone. Obviously, I know he isnt there, hes dead.
I've put off writing this post for several reasons, one of them is that I dont want anyone to think im being offensive or turning the death of the people who worked there or Randy's death into an attraction of sorts. I dont see it as anything like that at all. I understand the difference between interested or morbid obsession and that is not what I am doing. The other reason is that I just wasn't sure how to explain it. The last time I went, my mother asked me what makes me go there and the response I gave her was that it makes me feel better, it reminds me that he was real. He was there.
And That's why I do it. It makes him real. It makes him important.
Even though most people dont even know who he was or what he did, he was real. It makes him real to me.
I know that this was rather long and drawn out and if you took the time to read it, I really appreciate it and I hope it can give anyone who asked me why I go there the answer they looked for. I know this kind of conversation isnt really relative to what i mostly post and I hope I didn't offend or upset anyone who finds these kinds of things hard to talk about.
I know randy stair isnt really a well known person of interest in the true crime community so I'm sure most people see my posts and dont even know who I'm talking about lmao but, I hope this could offer some clarity. I'm always always always open to talking about randy or my trips to Weis, so please, as always, feel free to message me if you want to talk!
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