stuff stuffed in my stuffed brain.

[eerbsstuff]

It's sad when you don't have anyone to talk to that really cares.

Don't have anyone to actually share your small wins and new experiences.

Nobody really cares to what you really feel and how are they making you feel.

Feeling so alone.

Exhausted.

Worthless.

Useless.

[eerbsstuff]

A monster-in-law.

Warning: This is purely a mom’s rant, and this is what I am feeling and what I have on my mind right now. I just want to let it all out.

Okay, hear me out.

I hate it when someone likes to compare other people to each other. Why? for a simple and basic answer. We are all Different. You have a trait or characteristic that I don't have, or rather, will never have, and vice versa. But for me, that's totally okay. I'm fine just being myself, and I don't need to compare myself to what others have done or accomplished in their lives.

This is similar to comparing my kids to someone else's kids. I don't get why we still have this toxic mindset of comparing and making everything a competition.

I am a mother of two, and I tell you, my kids are the total opposite. They have similarities, sure, but they are different even though they came out of a single womb—mine. I do compare them sometimes, I admit, but I do it in my own head, silently. And the reason for that is because I want to know them better and what works for them and what doesn't.

I don’t think any mother who is in their right mind would want their kids to be compared to others just because they can’t talk yet, read, or do whatever it is that makes you think that your kid is much better than the others. That is fucking crazy! I am telling you, I am just trying not to be disrespectful to someone older than me, and supposedly she’s not the one who should be comparing her grandchildren to her other grandchildren. Who am I referring to? Lo and behold, it’s my mother-in-law.

When I had my daughter, which is basically the first grandchild for both sides, I felt the pressure of being a good mom. I never felt that I was doing enough. that I am failing my daughter by having me as her mom. Why? Because that’s what she’s letting me feel whenever she’s trying to say something about my daughter.

My daughter, while growing up, was a very hyperactive kid. However, she didn’t start talking early like the other kids. She can say Mama and Papa by around 6 to 7 months, but she started mumbling when she was 2 and a half years old. English is not our native language, but when she started talking by the age of three, she could communicate purely in English and could not even understand or speak a little bit of our mother tongue, which is Tagalog (Filipino).

When she was around 1 and a half, my MIL kept on comparing her to other kids who were older than her. She keeps on bombarding me with questions: why has my daughter not talked yet? or start reciting colors, numbers, or even alphabets? I wanted my daughter to take her time as a kid, and as a new mom back then, even until now, I wanted my kids to explore and learn things on their own. As a parent, I know I should be guiding and teaching them, but I also know that experience itself is the best teacher. I want my daughter to learn from her surroundings, and I will be with her to guide and watch her explore.

I don’t want her to be battered with all of the things that she will learn when she goes to school. I don’t want to rob her of her little bubble of joy, in which she can just be herself and be a toddler. She likes watching at an early age, and she likes nursery rhymes a lot. I never really introduced her to the alphabet. The colors, yes, when we are playing with her toys, but not to the extent that I will force her to recite them back and remember everything. Besides, I noticed a pattern in my daughter’s behavior; she doesn’t like repetitive things. Once you tell her something, she will listen maybe twice up to three times; more than that? She will ignore you and just do something else. When she was 2 and a half, we noticed that she knew the alphabets by heart without us constantly reciting them to her. She’s just reading the letters out of the blue.

I remember when she told her daughter, my SIL, that I never gave time to my daughter to teach her the alphabet, the numbers, etc. and that I just kept on spending my time watching Netflix. WTH? Does she even see me on a daily basis to know what I am doing? That I am not doing anything and just watching?

When my youngest was born, my sister was also expecting her first child. They were born seven months apart. My youngest started walking at 1 year and 2 months, and my sister’s firstborn started to walk at around 10–11 months. MIL never fails to make my blood boil whenever she gives unsolicited advice or comments. She kept asking why my little boy was still like that and that I should let him go outside and let him walk around. Are you even in your right mind? My son was born during the pandemic, and most of the time we’re just at home.

Recently, my son just turned two and still cannot talk. But he can say mama, his dad’s first name, and call his lolo granddad. while my sister’s firstborn can say and repeat words that they are saying and is starting to talk. I am feeling so frustrated. I don’t know how to say it, but I really wanted her to shut her mouth about my kids' development. We are not competing with anyone. I want my kids to take their fucking time and enjoy their lives as kids and as toddlers.

My children’s pace of development has nothing to do with other kids'. Why can’t she just let my kids do their own thing at their own pace instead of trying to make everything a competition? I am so fed up with her mindset and the way she says things. She keeps on talking without thinking first. I honestly cannot keep up with her.

I am not sure why I have a MIL like this. I never thought that she was like this before. I thought she was sweet, thoughtful, and all ears when you had something to say. I thought she was listening to what I was about to say without any prejudice. but I am so wrong. It didn’t take a while for me to see her true colors. But yeah, that’s another story.

I just don’t know how to calm myself down. And writing it down somewhat eases what I am feeling right now.

[eerbsstuff]

Here we go again..

It has been a while since I sat in-front of my computer and do something. I was about to update my old tumblr account but I can't seem to remember my password for both the email and tumblr account. So here I am, created a new tumblr account for my musings and what nots. I have so much to write but still pondering where to start.