on the past five years
Oh, hello there.
It has almost been five years, five. years. Are you even surprised that I am here? Tumblr has turned into somewhat a graveyard which means that it is perfect for what I'm about to write right now.
So much has happened in the past five years since I've been here last. Most of that 'so much' happened in the span of the past one and a half years. If you have been piously (lol) following my journey from an emo teenager to a continuously self-loathing corporate slave, from one country to another, you'd probably know that emptiness is the name of the game. That nothing ever really mattered in my life, and I've always been wandering aimlessly in this ocean of life, devoid of meaning. It has always been that way. But these past year and half something has changed. I've managed to find myself a bit of a social life, and like a moth to a flame, I absolutely devoured that. Not saying that I went all out crazy, going out every single night, trying to make up for all the lost time and the youthfully stupid behaviour that I never get to do, but I just like this newfound feeling of having friends, having people outside of my family that I get to interact with, gain a little bit of new and different perspectives.
And I probably have come the closest to something akin to an adult relationship. It's not much, I know, but for the first time in my life I felt like I am being wanted by someone I wanted too. I get to experience all the gush and mush that comes from being in love. I'd lay it all in here but I felt like I laid it all too much all over the place. To make a long story short, I am in a relationship, but not so much a relationship. I don't care what the GenZs called it these days, along with all the negative connotations that come with it, but I'm calling it a relationship with a bunch of baggages. Truckloads. On one side of the spectrum there is this happiness, the normalcy, the ebbs and flows, the rosy lenses of trials and tribulations that comes with a normal relationship, and at the other end of the spectrum there is this socioeconomic factor that opposes everything about this relationship. I mean, it's already there like a giant brick wall even before I begin. I haven't even determined if I would like to do this forever, but it's already there with a massive stop sign, and when it's there waiting, I felt the need and the urgency to hang onto it even more. The more you said no, the more I want it, the more I cherish it, the more I don't want to let it go. I'm tired of crying, if I'm not crying over all the overthinking and second guessing, I am tired of crying thinking about what would happen to me if and when I don't have this relationship anymore. I'm just gonna go back to that emptiness and that nothingness that I've always felt before. Everything makes me sad. Even when I'm happy, I'm sad. Even when I'm sad, I'm sad.
I don't care anymore if anybody sees this. These past few months, me and my feelings have been operating like a pressure cooker without its lid open. If you know me I'd probably get tons of gold medal in suppressing my feelings, but I don't want to do that anymore. Sometimes I just want to shout from on top of a building, screaming that please please please please just let me get what I want. Let me try. Let me make bad decisions. Let me have a shot of happiness, even if it will crush me in the end. Why can't I ever have it my way? Why must the universe be so cruel to me once again, just like every other time?
This was meant to be something different, a beacon of hope, a silver lining, a change in tone. But I guess that it's not, not yet at least. We will see. Come on bluebird, show up. I'll wait.
