Let people grow.
When I was younger I was very right-wing. I mean…very right-wing. I won’t go into detail, because I’m very deeply ashamed of it, but whatever you’re imagining, it’s probably at least that bad. I’ve taken out a lot of pain on others; I’ve acted in ignorance and waved hate like a flag; I’ve said and did things that hurt a lot of people.
There are artefacts of my past selves online – some of which I’ve locked down and keep around to remind me of my past sins, some of which I’ve scrubbed out, some of which are out of my grasp. If I were ever to become famous, people could find shit on me that would turn your stomach.
But that’s not me anymore. I’ve learned so much in the last ten years. I’ve become more open to seeing things through others’ eyes, and reforged my anger to turn on those who harm others rather than on those who simply want to exist. I’ve learned patience and compassion. I’ve learned how to recognise my privileges and listen to others’ perspectives. I’ve learned to stand up for others, how to hear, how to help, how to correct myself. And I learned some startling shit about myself along the way – with all due irony, some of the things I used to lash out at others for are intrinsic parts of myself.
You wouldn’t know what I am now from what I was then. You wouldn’t know what I was then from what I am now.
It distresses me deeply to think of someone dredging up my dark, awful past and treating me as though that furiously hateful person is still me. It distresses me to see others dredging up the past for anyone who has made efforts to become a better person, out of some sick obsession with proving they’re “problematic.”
Purity culture tells you that once someone says or does something, they can never go back on it. That’s a goddamn lie. While it’s true that some remain unrepentant and never change their ways and continue to harm others, it’s important to allow everyone the chance to learn from their mistakes. Saying something ignorant isn’t murder. Please stop treating it that way. Let people grow.
You can grow. You can be better. You can in fact be so vastly different that you can’t, you just don’t recognize that person anymore. Let yourself grow, and become something better over time.
Know this: you did things to people, you said and acted in spite and because of who you were, people have scars so deep that they will always picture you when they think of a racist.
It is not their job to be kind, understanding, or even empathetic to your transformation. It is in your growth to also be accountable for the person you once were. Real growth isn’t growing past who you once were to the point of recognition, growth demands revisiting the person we now detest and reminding ourselves that for all that we are now, this person damaged others. And this now healed, grown, changed person will forever have to own the reality of their life, sometimes without any recognition of the change they have made.
If that’s the life of change and growth you speak of, then please, continue to grow. You’re going to need that strength for the many years of life you have left in being an active participant of anti-racism, anti-homophopia, and whatever other bigot act you once took part of.
Because growth doesn’t release you of the responsibility of accountability, especially to the people who were victimized by who you once were. We can only hope in our growth, we can prove the heart in our struggle and the sorrow in our remorse. Pray that it’s enough to change the environment that created past you.
You say that as if we don’t think about that every morning and every night. How comfortable it must be to not live with that weight on your conscience permanently and be able to pretend impartiality from the sidelines. As if it never occurred to us that we will never finish repaying the damage we’ve done. Bravo, you bastion of morality, for figuring it out all on your own. Nobel has been dead for a hundred years. When will his prizes finish reparations for all the lives he took with his war invention? Is redemption ever a possibility, or must one just sacrifice their entire lives to gain a scrap of forgiveness?
It’s true, there is a certain personal satisfaction in knowing I did figure it out all on my own, but I have to say that never once did I hold that against you, or anyone else that shares your, weight. I did, however, offer you empathy, or did you purposely choose to ignore that in your tirade of the scorned redeemer? You can always, I said, prove the heart in your struggle and the sorrow in your remorse. In my opinion, it’s always possible for new people to genuinely accept who you’ve become, whilst recognizing that you were, at another point in your life, someone they could not have.
The question for you - one, admittedly, I purposely left out in my original response, is, who exactly is the intended audience in your redemption quest for forgiveness? Are you atoning to improve the state of the environment that created the thoughts and actions that hurt others, or are you simply seeking someone to forgive you, so that you can learn to live with yourself, knowing that what you did previously, contradicts the very person you have become?
More directly, are you still making those you have scorned responsible for the way you feel about yourself, or are you actively working on, not redeeming yourself, but living in your now truth; that of a fully changed and tolerant friend and ally?
If a lifetime is needed to redeem yourself, only you can know that. Only you can really know what it is you seek from the past. As for the present, you will always have people like me who can accept the new you. The question is, can you? Can you accept the new you? Or do you need others to recognize the value of your change? When is the debt paid, when we give you a receipt for the hardship you’ve endured to be, what? A better person?
Scraps? No. You’re looking for scraps. Don’t accuse us of only offering scraps, because we - this includes the new you - existed on our own before people like the old you made us feel like acceptance is what we needed to live. Don’t apply the same mentality to the new you. It’s regressive to your growth. Rather, simply recognize your own self worth, self growth, and self discovery as enough to merit happiness in the new you. All we’ve ever wanted was to live authentically ourselves. We want the same for everyone else.
And if your past ever comes knocking, let it. If your growth is honest, bonding over this hardship is no different than any other, right? New people will accept the new you, despite knowing they would not have accepted a previous iteration of you. And perhaps those hurt can come to see that despite the previous iteration, the new you deserves consideration.
