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What Vegetarians really need to worry about..

They're everywhere. You can find them in malls, the beaches, in hotels, in schools, government buildings, driving our cabs, scrubbing our cars. Hell, you can even find them in prisons. And I'm pretty sure we've had one of them become a President at some point. Some of them are born that way, while others become so by choice. But see, I'm ok with all of that. You don't catch me telling a mexican that he can't work at McDonalds. Of course not. I believe that vegetarians have every right to live on this planet and to live by their principles.

What I don't like is the way they cry when the rest of us normal people use the refrigerator to keep chicken just because they use the refrigerator too. They way they make a fuss when you use a frying pan to fry some eggs, just because they wanted to prepare fried potatoes or something in the same pan. No, they're not happy if you tell the you'll wash it. They're not happy even if you agree to scrub it clean like you've never scrubbed anything clean before. Lately, I've even begun hearing demands like, 'separate housing arrangements'. They simply insist that you keep all traces of non-vegetarian food out of their space. I have heard that shit long enough. Let me tell you a few things about the air you breath and the space you live in. Let me tell you some things that you should really be worried about more than the presence of a dead pig in your refrigerator. The following few points is directed at all you intolerant asshole vegetarians out who have a problem with sharing your space with us non-vegetarians.

1) Shit-Pots : Ever taken a dump in a public restroom? Yeah? Some of them are clean, right? Some of the others suck though. Yeah, I understand. Sometimes we don't have a choice. We gotta shit somewhere right?

No, wrong! Fuck you. You think it is all right to place your hairy butt on the same lavatory seat as some other douchebag, who probably has herps, but it isn't all right for me to fry a chicken in your frying pan? You have issues. Look around you. You live in the most unclean, vile and filthy generation known to mankind. No matter how often you use a hand sanitizer and no matter how many masks you wear, you're never going to prevent that minuscule little glob of poop from transferring from your hand to your mouth.

2) Pirated Softwares: You don't give a shit about these, do you? Yeah, I know. Why spend dough on the real thing when you can can rip these off for free? Well, let me tell you something. Butt-sex while in prison hurts much worse than eating off a plate which had chicken-gravy on it before it was scrubbed and cleaned 10 times, four days ago.

3) Can't think of a title for this one: Do you have any idea what the farmer's dog did to the fresh batch of lettuce that he was preparing to send out to the market? Unless you're one of those who believes that the consumption of urine, in this case, that of a dog, is good for health, you don't want to know the answer. Let's just say, that shit isn't very healthy just because you decide to clean under water at home. So now, cleaning that (without soap) and then consuming it is fine, but me cleaning my plate before giving it to you isn't?

4) Holy Water : Don't even get me started on the water you drink! You imbeciles are so daft that you need to catch typhoid before you can acknowledge that there is something wrong with the water you drink. And yet, you have a problem with something that is almost non-existent on your plate! The one that I fucking washed 10 times!

This list goes on. Like I said earlier, our planet is a filthy and vile place to be in. Yet, you manage to suck it up and live on it. I suggest you do the same about my food habits. The truth is quite bitter, but do you know what is even more bitter? A dog's pee.

#vegans #non-vegetarians #reality

5 reasons to date a girl who likes other girls

Okay, let me start out with a confession. A lot of you probably know of a blog post that has gone viral recently; something about dating a girl who likes Biryani. Well, this post of mine is a spin-off of that. And so, without much ado, let's get right down into the action.

The Perfect Wingman : The term 'wingwoman' is probably more apt. Your chick, if she happens to like other chicks, is going to be awesome at hooking you up with hot ladies. To start with, unlike us men, she will know exactly what to say to the hot lady standing by by the bar. Moreover, it always opens up the possibility of a three-way. This is probably the biggest (and only) reason why your chick would help you score another one.

Tit for Tat : Let's face it, your female-loving girlfriend has probably seen more honkers in her lifetime than you have seen in all your lifetime of watching 'midnight hot' on FTV. She will be able to tell the difference between the different types (some common types include The Pillow, The Perky Handful, The Droopy, The Invisible and the Fake).

Discounts at a Restaurant : No, don't be surprised. This happens. Haven't you ever seen some of the customers eyeballing the waitresses and exchanging secret eye-messages and eventually ending up paying less than what the bill says? You haven't? Well, pay attention the next time. If your girlfriend likes squeezing tomatoes more than peeling bananas, she's going to get you large discounts. The waitress will pay the reminder from her own pocket in exchange for some liki-liki action (If you know what I mean). The best part about this is that you won't even mind! Hell, why would you?! You get to watch two women going at it!

They can take care of themselves : You don't have to be around all the time. They are perfectly fine with spending time with their female friends instead of you. This gives you the perfect opportunity to spend the night out with the guys and stay out late and watch a game. In fact, it is highly probable that you return home to join in a three-way.

Perspective on life : This is probably a gay point, but I'll go with it anyway. If your chick is bi-sexual or lesbian, she will view the world from an interestingly different angle. The opportunity of interacting with her and other like-minded people is quite exciting. If the philosophical shit I just mentioned doesn't sound appealing to you, then just know that one day, you might get to have a three-way. (Because that is what it all comes down to.)

Now that I've listed out the points, I think it is my duty as a good Samaritan to inform you of the one big negative of this whole deal.

Dude, you'll be dating a chick who likes other chicks! How in the world do you expect to compete with that? Females can satisfy each other in a way that you, with your pea-sized thinking organ, will never be able to comprehend. You'll start ending up on the sidelines and pretty soon you'll be looking for a gay friend in order to take revenge on your 'ex-girlfriend'.

Not a pretty thought.

#lesbian #bisexual #boobs #philosophy

Six reasons to get yourself a Plant

Yes, we’ve all felt this way at times. Depressed and dejected because there’s no one around who would want to spend time with you. No one around who would want to hold you in their arms. No one around who would let you cop a feel so you can relieve yourself. The world is often a sad place to live in. Let me now introduce to you the best friend a person could possibly have. Plants are quite amazing to have around! They are utilitarian, friendly, intellectual and provide you with oxygen. I have provided here some of the biggest reasons for getting a plant as a friend. (Do note that the following points are aimed at males. Females can buy feathery vibrators until I put up a post for them.) 1) To start with, they don’t judge you. You can do whatever the fuck you want, and they’ll still love you (You’re never really sure, but what the hell. They’re like vegetables anyway.). Haven’t you often felt like dissecting a frog in the privacy of your room? Exciting, right? If you had real human friends, they’d probably not let you do it. At the very least, they would judge you and call you names (I hate it when they do that!). 2) Your own private toilet. Often, late in the night, you wish to pee. The toilet is generally a few feet away. What do you do in such depressing times? You just whip out your gentleman’s sausage and take a leak in the warmth of your plant. You are relieved and your plant feels the warmth of some nitrogen. Hell yeah, baby! 3) Basketball-ish Hoop-ish thingies. It is probably more accurate to compare this with the throwing of darts, but imma go with basketball (I’ve got a cool game on my phone.). When you’re bored, you can get ready, pull down your pants and fire at certain parts of the plant (50 points for the top of the leaves, and 100 points for the top of the entire plant!). This would also help you in indulging in certain fetishes of yours considering that you are, in principle, peeing on your best friend. Cleaning up later would be a bitch though, but this brings me to my next point. 4) A low-cost mop for when you pee around your apartment. Pee-Cleaning Mops (PCM) these days are quite expensive and hard-to-find. In fact, to be frank, I’m yet to come across a store that sells a dedicated PCM! Though there are companies that are trying hard to produce a good product in this direction, your new best friend could act as your very own inexpensive PCM. You’ll never have to worry about peeing all over your house ever again! 5) Pleasure of the ultimate kind. A lack of friends directly indicates the lack of female friends. Because of this, you won’t have people against who you can rub your sausage. In this scenario, your plant provides you with an excellent alternative. The leaves are soft and often smell quite good. And in case you’re one of those who needs perfection, you could just dress your plant up in some lingerie. Ooh, sexy mamma! Me likey! 6) Cannibals; they get by. This is probably the biggest reason for getting yourself a plant-friend. It will not hesitate in sacrificing itself in order to feed you. In the unlikely event that zombies take over the planet and you are cooped up inside your apartment, you can always go cannibalistic and eat up your new best friend. In fact, even though you will be slicing up it’s innards, it will watch silently and not utter a single cry of protest! Now that, in my opinion, is what true friendship is all about. All in all, a plant is a very useful thing to have around. Give it a try and plant one. In fact, go ahead and get a few more and make it an orgy! Not only are you doing a lot of good to plant earth, you also get to have the time of your life with your best friends.

Trauma manifests itself in weird ways

Have you ever thought of how it would be to have been sexually abused as a child? No? Well, you don't have much of an imagination then.

Here I was, sitting in the corner of my room one evening, sipping away at some hot chocolate (Not really. I just like to think that way.) when I started contemplating about how different a person I would have been had I been sexually abused in my diapers!

Now, and make no mistake about this, I am a fairly normal individual. I can count my toes and brush my teeth (and hence do not qualify as being a dumbass.) But this line of thought that I had stumbled upon; it set me thinking! Wikipedia defines sexual abuse as 'the forcing of undesired sexual behavior by one person upon another'. I concluded that I must have been abused. (In hindsight, I'm not sure why I did. The important thing though, is the fact that I did.)

We've all had breast-milk right? Back in high school, haven't we all been insulted about how our mothers didn't suckle us? Step back now, and think about the whole experience. (No I'm not asking you to imagine sucking someone's tits, you pervert.) As a baby, you were clearly underage and didn't have the choice to consent to any activity forced upon you. Isn't it logical therefore, to think that you were forcibly made to suck on your mothers mammaries? The only argument that I see against the idea that this was an activity of rape, is the fact that your mom probably did not derive pleasure out of it. Come to think of it though, you never know! It probably was a happy activity for her. An activity that enhanced her importance of her senses and gave her pleasure! Clearly, we have been raped! Millions of babies around the world are being raped everyday. Millions of babies will continue to be raped, and the entire human race does not have a clue.

I honestly believe that every individual is inherently screwed up. I've never been able to place a finger on the reason though, before today. As children, we were traumatized. We were forced to believe that something so crass and disgusting was an act of purity and love. Our worlds were turned upside down and we were thrown into an era of chaos and perversion. Surely women today cannot blame us for ogling at their privates! It isn't our fault, ladies. We were raped, just as surely as you will probably rape your babies one day.

Take some time out to think about what I've written.

Let's get some shit straight

At the very outset, I’d like to make something quite clear. I have NO intention of hurting any feelings, breaking up any relationships, sinking nation’s battleships, having sex with your mothers or of offending or embarrassing anyone. This blog is a means of getting some of the more quirky and weird ideas of mine on ‘paper’. If any of you find them offensive, then boo-hoo to you. Drop me a line and I’ll probably help you in getting a life. Essentially,

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