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physical

Buy a stethoscope and listen carefully to your heartbeat. If you are young, it should sound like this: nobody has paid attention to me for 72 seconds nobody has paid attention to me for 74 seconds nobody has paid attention to me for 76 seconds someone is paying attention to me leave me alone leave me alone nobody has paid attention to me for 1 second nobody has paid attention to me for 3 seconds

perspex

An interesting thing about growing older

is being able to see precisely how the mundane, tiny, seemingly inconsequential flaws of a person's youth

may butterfly-effect and snowball and very gradually, though no great or particularly consequential fault of that person's own,

turn said person into the kind of ruined, compromised, contemptible mid-lifer you used to look at and wonder:

how does someone wind up like this, why would they choose to be like this, why would they not just stop being awful.

folk tale

Once upon a week two bunnyrabbits wandered into a middleschool dance and commenced to nibbling at the crudite on the chaperone table

On their one side stood a number of boys murmuring softly and once-in-a-while flicking one another in the ol’ nads

On their other side stood a number of girls murmuring softly and once-in-a-while chewing the ol’ hair

The bunnyrabbits done nudged each other a bit and by and by one asked in a bunnyish voice: “Why are y’all so terrified of one another”

"Nobody taught us," said the boys and girls, "nobody showed us what to do in such a situation as this here situation"

"That there is a shame," said the other bunnyrabbit

"We are fixing to get them to like us," said the boys, "but we are unsure how a body accomplishes such a thing"

"We want them to like us," said the girls, "but we are unsure when they’re gonna up and do it"

"Frankly they strike us as mysterious and potentially embarrassing," said the boys

"Frankly they strike us as inept and potentially not worth a bother," said the girls

"Well y’all are lucky that we are here," said the bunnyrabbits, "and also that we have had our fill of this assorted crudite"

"Do you reckon so," said the boys and girls

"Yes we do," said the bunnyrabbits, "for right about now we will demonstrate to you how this is done"

And the bunnies took to humping right there on the gym floor in plain view of all the delighted boys’n’girls, and it took a whole surprising comical while for one of the chaperones to hook up the hose outside and send those bunnies hop-hop-hopping off to wherever they headed next

"I feel we’ve learned a thing or two today," said the boys

"Nosir you have not," said the chaperones

"We feel a new confidence and savvy as to the ways of the world," said the girls

"Nomiss you do not," said the chaperones

But there is only so much a body can do once the bunnyrabbits have come through, and the moral of the story is that the same goes double for horses

a guide for most men that also sorta works for some women

HOW TO LOOK YOUNGER: shave

HOW TO LOOK OLDER: don't shave

HOW TO LOOK YOUR AGE IN YOUR 20s: shave exactly half, very precisely, like you were bored and don't really care and think it's funnier that way

HOW TO LOOK YOUR AGE IN YOUR 30s: shave approximately half, at random, like you were sleepy or in a rush and it turned out you had something more important to worry about

HOW TO LOOK YOUR AGE IN YOUR 50s: shave stuff you'd never thought about shaving before

HOW TO LOOK IMMORTAL: shave everything but what you'd normally shave

HOW TO SMELL IMMORTAL: nair

HOW TO BE IMMORTAL: four roses mixed with nair

slight error

MWAHAHAHAHA

wait

I meant

mwah

jokes

1. knock knock who's there boo boo who i know, man, i'm really sad too don't act like you understand i think i understand a little you don't understand anything at all well then explain it to me it's not worth it c'mon, we'll have a few drinks and we'll talk it over i can't sure you can i can't why not because i'm already drunk, okay

2. what's black and white and red all over? i don't know guess listen, i can't right now why not? my mom is sick oh man, what does she have tuberculosis oh man yeah geez and so she can't work and she's getting evicted what did she do before she was a mime oh geez, that sucks so hard yeah, at this point maybe a joke really would cheer me up umm ... naw no c'mon, tell me, what's black and white and red all over naw, never mind, you're busy just tell me, what's black and white and red all over well like definitely not a mime with tuberculosis you know every time the phone rings i just start crying

3. what do you call an 800-pound gorilla "sir" daaaamn what daaaamn what is it that gorilla was a lady oh shit yeah you made some super-sexist assumptions oh man you misgendered an 800-pound gorilla oh man you just got your ass beat by an 800-pound gorilla-lady i try and i try to make real connections but i just wind up hurting people

4. how many danes does it take to screw in a light bulb like danes from denmark what other kinds of danes are there great danes if i'd meant great danes i would have said great danes ok so like how many people from denmark does it take yeah, that was the question not dogs but people jesus, dude, yes i'm going to go with one i hate you it seems like a pretty competent nation i hate you so much and like what if you lived alone and the light burned out i have always hated you so, so much

I did not write this for this blog but I wish I had

Two lessons for Gothamist readers: The MTA does not typically determine maintenance priorities by reading Gothamist, so if you spot a condition that needs to be corrected (or, of course, a potential safety or security threat), report it to a station agent or other MTA personnel. And since we have more than 6,000 subway cars and more than 5,000 buses, if you want to get something fixed, as opposed to just sharing it on Facebook, make note of the car number.

#this image automatically crossposted from nitsuh_fealinx on instagram

#this image automatically crossposted from dreamtweetcity on instagram

- Go back to sleep. - Daddy? - Go back to sleep. - Why are you dressed as a fireman, daddy? - Go back to sleep. - Is there a fire, daddy? - No, everything's fine. - Are you a fireman when I'm sleeping? - No, son. - Why are you dressed as a fireman? - Go back to sleep. - But why? - It's not important. - It's important to me, daddy. - It's a long story. - Tell it to me. - I'll tell you if you go back to sleep. - Okay daddy. - ... - Are you telling it? - Are you sleeping yet? - Not yet. - You have to go to sleep first. Then I'll tell it. - Will I hear it in my dreams? - Go back to sleep and we'll find out. - Daddy? - Go back to sleep. - Daddy where is your fireman shirt? - You know what, buddy? - What? - It got burned up in the fire.

FRIENDLY ADVICES

Die slowly but then real quick all at once at the end part. Be a so-so person. Let people use you but wink ironically throughout so it's clear you're in on it. Never tell anyone they're wrong about anything. Only help people get things you don't actually want them to have. Don't forget how pleasant it is to hug someone toward whom you feel quietly contemptuous. Don't forget that in the grand scale your life only looks noble because you care so adorably much about it despite its comical insignificance. A good way to always be well-rested is to go to sleep before you do anything dumb and to also be pretty dumb. Dignity is often just a matter of keeping more still than your body cares to. Your best is not quite good enough so you might as well just try 80% of it. When in doubt underdress. When in doubt undress. When in, doubt.

FOUR MONOLOGUES

How do I love thee?

Like literally how exactly

In what way am I managing to do it

What makes me capable of it

What techniques am I employing

Literally how

Lower your expectations

Lower than that

Lower

Good god are you kidding me

Way way lower

Keep going

So much lower

Extremely lower

It’s like you’re not even listening to me

Lower

Lower damnit

Okay

But so how are you feeling about our relationship

I always pretended to be someone different when you were around

Someone I thought you might like in a better or different way than me

With the interesting result that after all that time

You don’t actually know “me,” not really much for real

And of course I don’t really know “you” either

Given I was evidently wrong about what you might like

So if we were to run into each other

It’d be great if we just said

Who the fuck are you

I keep having this dream where

I describe my dreams to people

And they’re like wow that is fascinating

Tell us more

Is there any way we can maybe support your lifestyle and tend to all of your daily needs

So you can just dream all the time

And tell us about it

And so obviously that’s why you can’t blame me for waking up

Disgusted with all y’all

LESSONS

1. Knowing dreams are dreams doesn’t change anything

2. A hex is a hex is a hex

3. There’s so much more blood in your body than you probably ever thought

4. You should know by age 13 that people you admire because they Do Not Give a Fuck explicitly Do Not Give a Fuck about your admiration or feelings or overall existence

5. Rhyming dictionaries do not have the word “cameltoe” in them

6. You can not-do anything if you just sit there and don’t move and not-act your little heart out hard enough

7. “So what” is a non-rhetorical question and in every case it has a clear, cosmic, bone-bending variety of answer

MAKE YOUR LIFE HAPPIER RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND

I just wanted to share with you this one simple trick that will make your life demonstrably happier, 100% guaranteed:

1. Make a list of the things you want most

2. The things you want most passionately, the ones that really wring your guts and dizzy your blood

3. The ones where the wanting might be profitably compared to a thing that is undergoing some variety of combustion

4. Yes, those

5. STOP WANTING THOSE THINGS

COOL GUY AT THERAPIST

"Maybe the reason why I hate myself so much

is because of I got another personality

whom is a cop?"

WISE MAN AT GAS STATION

Lotta things we buy are just the accoutrements of a person we'd rather be.

Lotta those accoutrements require labor to connect to the people we actually are.

Fr'instance books we would like to be a person who has read? You would still have to read them.

Clothes is pretty easy, though. Clothes, accessories. Some people think drugs but not really.

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