I wrote you letters about how much I loved you, just like you wanted and dreamed of. I gave you the letters and you told me, “This reminds me of her.” No thank yous, or “I love you too”s. But I saw your sad eyes, and I thought - this is okay. You smiled at me with the tide pulling away in your eyes and I knew one day the tide would come again. I told you I love you before we went to sleep, and you’d mumble, “I hate the word love,” so I never said it again. Yet I hope you knew it in my smile, how my eye lit when I saw you, how my heart beated fast when you held me close. I’d call you lovely and you’d scoff at my attempts to compliment your personality. “She’d say lovely all the time,” you explained. I thought you just didn’t want me to be a repeat of the one of went wrong. So I changed my vocabulary to soothe your heartache. I wore tank tops in the summer when the humidity was thick enough to swim in, but you didn’t like me so revealing. So I wore sweaters and jeans, just to hear your praise. Yet at the end of the day, you always wanted me revealing again, but just for yourself. You wanted new friends, so I set you free. You found new ones, and so did I. But jealousy ran too fast through your veins and the sound of his name made you cling by letting go. My heart never faltered, but my mind doubted who you were. You believed I loved another, though you never asked. So you’d come to me at the end of the day, pointing out and complementing other girls. That her sweater was so cute, and her modesty so appealing. But at the end of the day, you still didn’t like I love you’s and yet you still wanted me just for yourself; but yourself for everyone else. You didn’t believe my dedication to wait for your tide to come back to the shore, but I waited on the beach for you to pull me back out to sea. So I tried I love yous, even though you hated them so much. I thought maybe you couldn’t see the spark in my eyes, maybe the didn’t shine as bright through the sadness that cloaked them. I thought clear words would make you understand, I wanted you even if I had to wait or drown in your sea. You told me to wait and I did. But that last day, I couldn’t wait anymore. I kissed your cheek a thousand times, never settling my stomach enough to kiss your lips that spoke nice words. I couldn’t wait anymore, for you or for anyone. You looked at me with strange eyes, wondering the reason behind my actions. Somehow through it all, you didn’t listen anymore when I slide secrets in our conversations. If my breaths were limited, kissing you was to be one of the last. But as I grasped the bottle, the puzzle fit in your mind and the tides came back to shore. I was drowning out at sea, and you brought the salt water out of my lungs. Suddenly love was a part of your vocabulary, and my stomach still felt mushy even though the ocean water was no longer in it. You covered me in sugar, I was stickily sweet. Too much sweets made a tooth and tummy ache; You didn’t like my clothes, or my views on life. My views too liberal and you so conserved. I breathed air because of your words, but your words were what I breathed. Every breath too harsh, not oxygen, but filled with some carcinogens. Every breath closer to the death you saved me from. Maybe you were just a slower form of suicide. Maybe you were the harder way out. Maybe love would be the death of me.
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