1/3me and my boyf are both christians and we really have been struggling with our drives. we had sex plenty of times. we both know it's not right until we have God's blessing but temptation always wins. I really have this conviction to stop this and we've talked about this a lot of times that we should stop because it's wrong and displeasing to God... but we keep falling.
***I did recieve, read, and address part 2 of your ask :)
Firstly I have to commend you for your courage,because I know it can be very difficult to open up about these things. I alsowant to say that itâs actually a really good thing that you feel this sense ofconviction, because if you felt perfectly fine in your sin then that woulddefinitely be an issue. The fact you not only recognize and can acknowledgeyour sin, but also seek to change is awesome. This is probably the hardest, butmost important part of the process, so congratulations. *High fives*
Iâve never be exactly in your situation, but there wasa time I struggled terribly with pornography / masturbation addiction. Althoughtheyâre not the same fight, there are some strong similarities between the two.
I distinctly remember a season where I cycled throughperiods of freedom and imprisonment. There were periods I wouldnât masturbateor view porn, but there were also periods where the opposite would happen. Outof nowhere (or at least it appeared that way), I would feel so tempted, Iâdgive in, and usually be stuck there for a few weeks.
I remember feeling a lot of the same emotions youâreprobably feeling. I felt guilty, ashamed, and disgusted with myself, andfrustrated that I kept messing up.
The reason that I (and probably you and your boyfriendto some extent) kept messing up is because instead of getting to the root of myproblem Iâd simply attempt to go cold turkey.
The thing about going cold turkey is that itâs usuallynot effective unless you have a replacement.
I used pornography/ masturbation as a way to makemyself feel valued, attractive, and less lonely; all important things that humansnaturally long for. Even though I âstoppedâ my addiction, my need for feelingvalued, attractive, and not lonely were still there, so naturally I ran back towhat previously was feeding this need; porn/ masturbation. And when I didnât,like your boyfriend, I also found myself a bit sad and irritated.
As my pastor says, itâs natural to want to feel loved,valued, attractive, etc., but the problem arises when you try to seek thosethings in places God never intended for you to.
When I began to fully satisfy my need to feel valued,attractive, loved, etc, through God, thatâs when my addiction started to loosenits grip on me. The more rooted I was able to become in God, the more fulfilledI became through Him, and the less I had to depend on pornography/ masturbationfor fulfillment. I eventually got to the point where I didnât even want to masturbate/view pornography, because after experiencing true satisfaction through Christ Iquickly came to realize that nothing else could ever compare.
I believe that the reason you and your boyfriend arehaving such difficulties beating this is because itâs feeding you both in waysthat go beyond the physical.
Sexual sin/ addictions almost always run deeper thanjust the physical stuff. The physical stuff is usually just the tip of the iceberg; the most visible stuff. But the true root of the problem is usually theemotional stuff at the base of the iceberg; which is usually out of obvioussight. The emotional stuff often holds the tightest grip, and therefore tendsto be the hardest to shake. Â
I suggest that you both truly seek whatâs at the baseof your icebergs. What are you gaining when you two are together? Which need isgetting fulfilled? A need to feel affirmed? Valued? Loved? Attractive?Supported? The list goes on and on. You both need to pray, and earnestly seek Himfor yourselves, and allow Him to reveal to you what youâre lacking, and thenallow Him to fulfill that need. I may have been able to put all of that into a singlesentence, but trust me, itâs easier said than done. Itâs going to take time,and youâre going to have to be patient.
During my âseekingâ period I sought Him intensely. Iread my Bible and fasted like I never had before.
For lack of better wording I think you both shouldfast each other. You donât have to break up, but spending time apart woulddefinitely do you both some good. Laying such important things at His feetshows how desperately you want Him, and that means the world to Him. Itâd alsogive you both time to really hear from the Lord, and allow Him to truly do awork in you both. I believe the Lord is always speaking to us and working inus, but too often we get so consumed in our own lives that completely miss Him.Returning to your first true Love (Christ) will heal you both, and yourrelationship in ways you canât imagine.
I kind of already said this, but simply being apart isnot enough. Itâs kind of like the cold turkey thing I talked about earlier. Inaddition to being part youâre both going to have to really spend time with theLord. Spend extra time in your Word, pray, and be consistent in your quiettimes.
Another very important thing is accountability.Keeping this issue just between the two of you and God really isnât going to bebeneficial. Itâs a good start, but itâs gonna take more. You donât have to tellyour parents right away, but you definitely need to let someonein. I suggest a mature couple that you trust, and is solid in their walk withthe Lord. If you donât have a couple like this on your radar then find an older,mature Christian female (male for your boyfriend) that you trust and can bevulnerable with.
God knows that youâre just dust. Heâs also very wellacquainted with every temptation we have, but yet is still without sin. So whatbetter person to go to for guidance? When we truly submit to Him and truly makeHim Lord of our lives we lay everything at His feet. We donât only lay thestuff that we love and grip tightly, but also the stuff that we canât bear onour own. The stuff that will eat us alive if Heâs not there to help. Fullysubmit to Him and lay those things down. Sex drives are impossible to handle onour own. Why? Because we werenât designed to. Allow Him to take the reins ofall areas of your life; including your sex life.
Christ died to and for all of our sin, and then rose again so we could also benefit fromHis sacrifice. When we accept Christ as our Lord and savior we become one withHim. Just as we (and everything we have) become His, He, and everything He hasbecomes ours. This includes, but is certainly not limited to His strength,courage, and boldness. In the midst of temptation remember youâre a child ofGod, and consequently what that gives you access to. When you feel tempted justcall out to Him, ask for His strength, and He will come through.
Here are some scriptures, songs, and other posts thatcame to mind as I wrote this.
âHow Can It Beâ by Lauren Daigle: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UXn_OuJkvE
âMercyâ by Bethel// Amanda Cook: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sILwvJShMV8
âYou are my One Thingâ by Bethel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pj_vwFK2O9k
âThis Loveâ by Housefires II: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zEL4Oqfcgn8
âFreedom Reignsâ by Jesus Culture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn3qPV2WQCw
âStart Overâ by Flame/ NF: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ms1uqdX6wXY
âThe Riverâ by Jordan Feliz: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=maT4phfTXR4
âGood Fightâ by Unspoken: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0M3X3_pFD4
âDrops In The Oceanâ by Hawk Nelson: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZH13wFGffg
âNo Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addictionâ by MarnieC. Ferree (for you)
âPassion and Purityâ by Elisabeth Elliot (for youboth)
âEvery Young Manâs Battleâ by Fred Stoeker and SteveArterburn (for your boyfriend)
Sex drives are gifts: https://www.wattpad.com/268746275-my-journey-to-sexual-purity-x-sex-drives-are-gifts
Why Cold Turkey doesnât work: https://www.wattpad.com/188853071-my-journey-to-sexual-purity-x-cold-turkey
Properly feeding yourself: https://www.wattpad.com/214138865-my-journey-to-sexual-purity-x-properly-feeding#
Quiet times tips: http://fightingforpurity101.tumblr.com/post/107816068322/quiet-time-tips
Fleeing temptation: http://fightingforpurity101.tumblr.com/post/114846215577/get-out-asap
Unconditional love &forgiveness: http://fightingforpurity101.tumblr.com/post/114276612987/unconditional-love-forgiveness
Pretty long post, but definitely worth the read! Iâmpraying for you guys! Be sure to keep me posted! Â Lots of love, and God bless. Xx
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