Being nice has its downsides, so I'm not nice any more.
If someone hurt me in the past, I wouldn’t turn try to hurt the person back (for I was too nice for that). I never had the impulse to punch the person in the face because nice girls don't fight.
Instead, I would try to figure out someone couldn't see that I was a nice person. I would take on a victim mentality and wonder: Why does this person hate me so?
And I would say things like, "I was trying to be nice."
Ugh.
Being a victim wasn’t helping my self-esteem, obviously. It took some time for me to understand that negative incidents are external. I used to analyze negative comments/incidents for a bit and then tell myself that I'm going to "shake it off" when, in truth, I was carefully tucking the memories into the crevices of my unconscious mind.
We may tell ourselves that we're shaking things off, but most likely we're just distracting ourselves with something else instead of feeling the feeling and letting it go for good.
Once we start thinking about a negative situation or unfortunate event, it's important to take the time to actually feel the feelings arising within us. It's mushy and "woo-hoo" to many, I know. And I know that you aren't supposed to cry at work, so be sure to go into a bathroom stall and cry (very, very quietly). But be sure to shake away afterwards, of course.
For if feelings aren't felt, into the unconsciousness they go -- which means that they'll be reactivated when a similar situation occurs, and we'll probably feel much worse then we should at the time.
After years of simply shaking things off, I was left with an unconscious belief that I was inferior in some way. To what? To whom? I didn’t know. In certain situations, I just felt less than.
If we think, consciously or unconsciously, that we're inferior in any way (not good enough for the new job, new partner or new life), we’re just going to keep attracting unfavorable situations and people who don't value us – no matter how nice, or pretty, we are. In time, life will seem unfair because we just can't figure out why we aren't getting what we want even though we're being so nice (dammit!).
After being hated on one too many times and recognizing that I was allowing others to make me feel bad about myself, I decided that the craziness had to come to an end. I realized that nice wasn't enough.
Today, when someone throws an insult at me or dismisses me for any reason – which could range from the color of my skin to the fact that I exist as a person– I let the feeling go right through me and move on. If I can't get away from the person physically, I move away mentally. There are no analyzations about why they don't like me and there's no shaking off.
When haters hate, I remember that I'm flawed, but I'm perfect – as are you. I remember that we are born good and that our environment has the power to throw us off. I remember that I'm here to shine. I remember that life is fair (because we're all going to die eventually).
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
~Eleanor Roosevelt
(photo)
* took me a few years to figure out what this meant.
1. I know for a fact that loneliness and insecurity would be best friends if they were people. Insecurity is the feeling that everyone else can’t seem to see that one thing that makes you not right for the job. You may not be able to pinpoint that one thing but you secretly believe that somehow you’re lacking whatever it takes to do whatever it is you want to do. That one thing is on the tip of your tongue, you just know it – but you can’t seem verbalize it because if you could, you would be able to correct that one thing.
2. A seemingly never-ending feeling of dread comes along with insecurity and loneliness. The underlying current of dread within your mind holds you back from taking action towards your goals, which means it’s all just a crazy cycle because you believe that if you could just manage to reach your goals, you will finally feel secure because every one else who is where you want to be seems secure and happy.
3. So if dread were a person, craziness would probably be it’s best friend because we shouldn’t dread something that we haven’t even done yet. But we all do this because we are humans with a lot of memories. Insecurity will always lie dormant within; there will always be someone in front of us who seems to be winning all the time. And if they are not in front of us, we will find them because … well, Internet.
Oh, my point ...
If you’re feeling stuck, perhaps the New Year it’s time to let go of fear/pride/ego. Our fears breed insecurity, and the relinquishment of our fears/pride/ego is most likely that one thing that’s lacking.
Thought I’d share how I get over negative criticism. I've got two suggestions and a video:
1. When criticized, embrace the fear.
Yes, fear. We may feel a combination of anger and pain when criticized. But below the anger and below the pain there is fear because deep down many of us crave some type of reassurance or acceptance. But the world is full of people who will like us (even if we haven’t met them yet).
When criticized, I say that there’s no need to fight back. No need for affirmations, either. I say find that little space in your heart that hasn’t been overtaken with emotion, and trust in that little space. In time, that little space will grow into confidence.
2. Vulnerability is where our power is – even though it doesn’t feel like it.
Whenever I let go of an emotion, I feel as though my soul is floating in unknown space. Some say that they feel energized when they let go, but not me, I feel out of control! But I’ve learned that holding my head down isn’t the answer to my issues. Getting angry or “toughening up” isn’t for me either. So when I feel lost, I open myself up to being vulnerable, because what else do I have to lose? When my fears and emotions finally subside, I find that within my vulnerability lies peace and quiet. I find that I am OK.
Because we live in a society where people’s opinions seem to matter, and where many of those opinions could possibly make or break our livelihoods or what we think is a way to a peaceful life, opening our selves up fully will make us feel vulnerable.
But if we feel as though we want to be ourselves in every aspect of our life, we have to feel our fears and embrace the vulnerability that follows, over and over and over again. There is no need to analyze fear or figure out where it came from, because on a deep level we already know.
We can read all we want, we can recite affirmations over and over, but none of that stuff really matters until we actually feel fear and recognize it every single time it comes up. The process totally stinks by the way. But letting go gets easier over time.
The thought of my parents dying hit me hard when I was around 9 or 10 years old. Despite the fact that they were healthy and alive (and still are), sadness and despair hung over me for months. When I look back, I was probably depressed, but no one else seemed to think so, so life went on.
Anyway, I traveled Southern California with my father during that time and I remember walking around Disneyland at one point and thinking: “What’s the point of all this? My mom is going to die one day.” (Many fond memories from that trip though -- it was Disneyland, after all).
I couldn’t shake the thought of death – I knew it was real and that we couldn’t escape it; dying felt wrong, unnatural. I wasn’t suicidal; I just knew that I didn’t ever want to live life without my mom.
I had no problem telling every adult I knew about my fear of death. I would passionately ask with tears in my eyes, How the heck do you deal with the fact that we are all going to die?!!! Die!!!
I'll never forget the looks I received. The typical responses were “You’re too young to worry about such things,” and “Yeah, it’s true, but there’s nothing you can do about it except live.” My stepmother told me something that totally didn’t ease my feelings that day, but was nice: “Just wake up every morning and say thank you for a new day.”
Over time, I stopped thinking about death. I don’t remember how the thought escaped my mind but, as a kid who was always in her head, I’m pretty sure I was distracted by another deep thought.
Life prepares us for death in superficial bits: A TV show that we loved for years is canceled. A concert we don’t want to end, ends; we outgrow some friends, we have the last forkful of a meal we were enjoying, a lovely product we depend on is discontinued, etc. The end is around us every single day.
Facing the fact at a young age that we’re all going to die helped me love my friends and family with a greater truth and depth -- I like to think that’s what I realized and that it's the reason why I stopped getting all worked up over death.
When we fully embrace the fact the fact that death is something that none of us can escape, the little things in life grow richer and, all of a sudden, life seems fair.
“Death is not a morbid thought. Death is the greatest teacher in all of life.”
** It took me a while to get used to the taste of it, but I think turmeric is the shiz.
** “I fear that these fantastic feats may become all we are able to derive from a far more important and valuable tradition of inner development and personal growth.”
** I recommend that every one gives it up: You’ll feel (and look) more amazing than I’m sure you already do! #soda
“If we don’t have an arena where we can express our voice, we’re going to feel empty. No amount of money or success is going to fill that emptiness for long.”
- "When is Enough, Enough?"
Yes to the quote above. And I’d like to add that if we're unable to express our voices in our work, we’ll feel empty, we’ll eventually get angry and those around us will end up suffering.
Let’s take a look at some of the folks who work for main library in my city: I don’t think, for the most part, that those of us who frequent the free library are an aggressive bunch. As I stood in line to ask a question recently, I watched the way in which ladies at the help/check-out desk treated each patron. One person said hello and the response was a grunt. Another asked a question and I caught an eye-roll and an exasperated look.
Working at a free library in a major city has its frustrations, I’m sure. But do the innocent have to suffer?
If we feel stifled in our jobs and if we feel as though we can’t do anything about it, then it’s time to go ASAP. We may think those around us can’t see our frustrations, but they can.
Be willing to sacrifice, and to search high and low for that place where you can be you. If leaving isn’t an option, find a way to make the job worth it for you, and remember that the process of working toward something great is the best part.
We must actively work within ourselves to stay true to our voice every single day. In turn, we’ll eliminate any anger or frustration that is slowly destroying our souls and covering up the unique gifts we have to offer the world.
#Yoga is one of the reasons why this woman chooses to stay away from the practice and I don’t blame her ... BUT if she followed #100yogagrams maybe she would be willing to give yoga another try?
A view into the body during yoga. Literally.
And if a Voga (yoga+vouging) studio comes to my town, I’m totally going - for the voguing part, of course.
If we pay attention, a dedicated asana practice can give us a swift kick in the butt and reveal our weaknesses -- on and off the mat.
The temperatures dropped this week in the Northeast and the back-to-school vibe is in full swing.
The summer season is over already?! No way. It just can’t be … Dear Universe: Can’t we have two more weeks of 85-degree days and sunshine?
I’ve been struggling through each pose in class ever since the first autumn-like day: a stiffness resides deep within my muscles and my body is lazy. Instead of pushing my body and mind to the next level, a feeling of dread washes over me between each and every pose.
But oh, could it be that if I weren’t so resistant to the change of the season, that maybe I’d move through my practice with a bit more ease? It's time to let go. Summer is (almost) OVER.
Well … “Hello Attachment, I forgot all about you”
A teacher told me that it can take a lifetime to fully embrace just one yoga lesson. I think mine is overcoming attachment.
If we're struggling in our practice, we're struggling in our lives. So is the struggle even real? Only if we let it overtake us.
Maintaining a steady flow of peace within ourselves isn’t always easy because there are others around us trying to do the same thing -- but in their own way. And sometimes another’s way of doing things will seem rude and inconsiderate, and cause us to think: “That one was a total asshole, huh?”
Choosing peace is a choice we make over and over throughout our years (and months, and weeks, and days and hours), so when our flow is disrupted because of another's rude attitude, it’s actually a good happening because it reminds us that we aren’t the only ones here on earth, which in turn can remind us of how far we’ve come -- and how far we have to go.
And in the end, when we tap into our peace (instead of lashing out by calling the person who ticked us off an asshole -- and yes, oh my gawd, sometimes it feels so good to do so) we may inspire someone else to choose their inner peace as well.
My goal isn't to change your beliefs or the spark that makes you, you because, well ... I'm a human being trying to figure stuff out myself.
The goal of this blog is to point out the variety of ways in which life (and yoga) shows us – if we pay attention– that we already have all we need to help us get to wherever it is we want to go.
All good stuff comes from our uniqueness. We all have it – unfortunately, a lot of us lose it when we’re kids because we want to fit in and not draw too much attention to ourselves.
It’s no simple task to pull back a bit from our daily lives to find out exactly what how we can contribute our unique traits to the world because the journey takes sacrifice and time. Living in a world where we’re constantly bombarded with advertisements telling us that this thing or that thing will make our lives easier and bring us joy doesn’t help either. The daily news is filled with fear, thus causing many to refrain from meeting new people and trying new experiences.
When those who are living their greatest purpose cross our path we instantly recognize them and feel their energy. So we all know on some level that it’s possible to do what we love. And as we begin to recognize our unique gifts, we hone our instincts and learn that some folks are really good at putting on a perfect face.
We all have our own identities, but as human beings we’re all in this together. Just wanted to put it out there that this corner of the Internet is a reminder that none of us are as separate as we may think.
Trying to change ourselves doesn’t work in the long run because we’re resisting our own energy. Self-improvement can have temporary results, but lasting transformation occurs only when we honor ourselves [or our spirit within] as the source of wisdom and compassion.
So the sun rises, the sun sets. Clouds roll in, clouds roll out. Waves rise, waves fall.
When we look past all material distractions, we can see that nature shows us the gist of what we need to understand about the challenges we'll encounter throughout our lives.
I’ve learned a lot in the classroom, but I didn’t learn the good stuff until I graduated from the schoolbooks.
The “blood is thicker than water” adage doesn’t speak to us all. Ram Dass said: "If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family."
Family can be a major source of frustration for a lot of us -- if we let them.
I recently recovered from an awkward family gathering. Here are some tips for how to deal with a not-so-perfect family:
1. Forgive and accept.
Accept it all. Accept the fact that your parents are human and that they may have dropped the ball a few times. Accept your eccentric uncle/aunt, accept the denials that linger in the background, accept the fact that grandpa doesn’t like the fact that you’re dating out of your race/religion, etc.
Once we accept the fact that this is the family we were born into -- and that there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it -- a space opens up within us that’ll help us really look at the situation (and you may end up having a good laugh about it).
As soon as we wholeheartedly accept our families and ourselves (because even though we may think we’re the sane ones, we probably add some crazy to the mix too), life gets easier because …
2. We’re free!
Acceptance helps us think clearly. By putting ourselves in-the-know about our family’s patterns, we'll learn how to break the patterns and create new (positive) ones. Sometimes it’s as though the universe already knows our dilemma and fills our hearts with familial friends.
* * * *
The funny thing is, is that when all is forgiven and accepted, we’ll probably end up loving our biological family more than ever.
The hardest practices to do outside of the yoga studio is forgiving and letting go.
We’re not here to hurt one another – there’s just no way. If we pull back the layers, we’ll discover that hurtful words, or hurtful actions, originate from a place of pain/fear. There’s also a possibility that the person hit an inner pain/fear that we have to face and work through.
Let go of the incidents that leave a sting, or let them be of benefit (and then let go).
I’m 6’2’’. At least twice a year – usually at a party – someone I’ve never met will come up to me and say, “Oh my God, I’m so happy that there’s someone taller than me here.”
This really happens. I never know what to say to the person because I love being tall. But I do think to myself: I’ve never seen you before and I don't know your name, yet you're telling me that you’re uncomfortable in your own body ...
Insecurities can’t be hidden; we often show them off to total strangers without even realizing it.
I took a much-needed beach vacation this week. "Does everything have to have a deep meaning?" my boyfriend has asked. So I turned off my yoga brain for a bit and just absorbed the world around us and the sounds of waves lapping on the beach. It was awesome. But I do have some favorites to share ...
* " ... and whole families lay on those iron balconies in their underwear." Bikram yogis can only take so much heat, ya know. Our air-conditioner wasn’t working, and the horror of sweating in the heat all day and all night left us wondering: What did city folk do before air conditioning? Lucky for us, Aurthur Miller took the time to write about it.
* I’ve only seen the preview for this yoga movie, but I’m going to rent it. (Also, where have I been?! When did Vimeo enter the “On Demand” scene?)
* Having a hard time finding that perfect candle for the mood you’re in? Try browsing through Flick Candles’ site. The company sells a candle you can light up when you’ve been defriended, another for when a dream vacation is cancelled, and another for a one-night stand (and the surprise that may arrive a few months later).
* There are plenty of those “How to Choose a Yoga Teacher” lists floating around, but they always seem to miss a point or two. I think this one hits the mark.
• A reporter in search of some R&R writes about her journey to yoga’s unofficial capital.
• When a yoga teacher walks into a party and people find out about him/her, people will ask questions. A lot of questions. I've witnessed this -- and may have asked a question (or two) myself ... This video is funny.
• FYI: Once you know yoga, you know willpower.
• A yoga teacher breaks down the cost barriers that prevent so many from discovering the many benefits of yoga. Her motto? “Give until you’re empty; receive until you overflow.” Lovely.
• Whole Foods was ripping customers off in California, so we kind of know what that means for those of us outside of the “eureka” state.
