Thoughts about narcissistic abuse.

Anti child abuse in all it's forms.

[flyingfloatingfree]

Just a reminder

If you have ceased contact with a toxic person, you do not owe anyone an explanation. Doesn’t matter if they are a family member or close family friend. Doesn’t matter if they are a friend or acquaintance of yours. If you sense the slightest hint that they do not approve of your estrangement and they are not going to be there for you, all you need to say is: “I don’t feel comfortable discussing it” People who were emotionally abused have spent far too long defending themselves. Justifying their own feelings. Trying to make others see and understand what they went through. You don’t have to do this anymore.  <3

[flyingfloatingfree]

My brother died in April and I've been no contact with my dad for 3 years but his flying monkeys always try to get me to talk to him. Nobody cares about the abuse he put me through at all, & all of a sudden since my brother committed suicide, these people are telling me I need to suck up the abuse and talk to him bc he is my father. No. He is a sperm donor. I don't owe him anything and I wish people would stop telling me that I do.

I am so sorry to hear that your brother passed away. Yes you are right, you owe him nothing and you do not owe people an explanation. I tend to go with “I don’t feel comfortable discussing this with you” and leave it at that. 

[flyingfloatingfree]

So I left my parents and my mom tries to tell me that I'm doing so bad without them, tries and contacts my friends and I am really scared of seeing her at this stage. Also, I know that she will use my empathy and love for my friends to hurt me (she did not give one single fuck about what I was doing until I left) and it makes me so angry that she won't take a no. How do I explain to my friends? How do I handle this?

I would ask your friends not to engage with her. You don’t actually have to explain why (boundaries). You do not have to discuss her with them or anyone else. You do not have to justify your actions. To protect yourself I would not give any personal information to either your mother or friends you believe may stay in contact with her and keep any dialogue light and unrelated to your situation right now. <3

[flyingfloatingfree]

I honestly don't know if my mother is really abusive. Like I don't think she actually knows what she's doing. But even if not it's still so hurtful? Am I being the mean one like she says? And I told her she hurts me and she just keeps doing it in a slightly different way. Like using other words. She does so much I always hear from others. But I don't know, maybe in my case I just AM oversensitive and the problem myself. Like how do I know? I know doubts are common but how do i know it's not true

There is nothing wrong with being sensitive, it is not a negative trait for anyone to possess. People who love and care about us would recognise we are sensitive and adjust their behaviour accordingly. I would look at Parrish Miller’s traits of narcissism... it may not mean your parent is an abusive narcissist, but, it is a comprehensive list of abuse tactics that may help you reach an understanding and give you a place to start.<3

[flyingfloatingfree]

Hey! Um... Do you have any idea where the line is between telling people when they emotionally hurt me and being emotionally abusive? I don't want people to feel guilt tripped when I tell them about my problems or to think it's their fault. My friend himself is in a though situation and I don't want to put my baggage on top of that. I'm honestly just really scared I become like my abusive family. I know victims of abuse are more likely to do it themself. How do I know if I'm doing it?

Well, it’s ok to tell someone they have hurt you, first I like to think about the “why”. I try to figure out if it was intentional or not. Second I like to think about how much it hurt me. If it was an unintentional slight I would let it go. If it was unintentional but, really hurt I would need to address it. If it was intentional and slight, I may let it go this time, but I would need to be mindful if this person continued to behave this way and why they were doing it. If it was intentional and really hurt I would need to think about this persons place in my life. Either way, if I point out to another person that they have hurt me, then I need to look for their response. If they are apologetic and attempt to make it up to me then I forgive them and I move forward. If they are not apologetic and placed the blame for their behaviour on me, then again, I would need to think about their place in my life. Talking about problems I save for very close friends, people who have the understanding that, if I am complaining about lack of money I am not asking for a handout. That sort of thing. I try to keep it in small doses as much as possible because it is easy for others to become overwhelmed, especially when everyone has their own problems in life. Sometimes it can help to join an online support community, which you can do anonymously, to vent about specific problems. You can also journal your feelings. All relationships need to be in balance and can become toxic if one person takes and does not give back. Hope this helps, I am still very much learning myself. <3

[flyingfloatingfree]

There should be no guilt, shame or fault attached to not wanting to be hurt any more.

Repeat this to yourself whenever you need to hear it.  <3

[flyingfloatingfree]

For so Long.

I tried to tell my mother that she made me FEEL unloved and unwanted... I think most of the time, I took responsibility for that, because those were my feelings. I am coming to realise that, actually I WAS unloved and unwanted. That's not my fault, it was not my responsibility to fix it. What is my responsibility is to accept that I am loved and wanted, just not by her. <3

[flyingfloatingfree]

What Flying Monkeys don't consider.

They come at you with all the usual "They aren't getting any younger" and "You will regret this one day" and "They are your parents, they did their best".

They often do not ask about you.

Apart from the usual "hope you are well" or "How are you" there is no effort to engage in you or your life. No interest in your partner or children. If you answer that part of the question, it may be ignored in order to continue the conversation about your estrangement.

They do not consider your feelings.

There is little to no interest in why you have become estranged. They do not want to know the negative impact the relationship had on you or why you ended it. They have already made the decision that, you should end the estrangement and nothing you say can change that.

They want to be the hero.

Flying Monkeys believe that they can do what even a therapist cannot and fix the relationship. They believe that their approach will knock some sense into you and you will realise you have made a terrible mistake. They want to be the one to make everything right again.

They do not believe you.

When they know your abuser and have not seen that side of them, they do not believe it exists. Or maybe they have seen that side of them but, they were able to justify it to themselves.

They believe you going No Contact with the wider family is proof that you are at fault.

Really, when the scapegoat finds that the only communication they have with other family members is an effort to reconcile the situation and no effort otherwise to have a healthy relationship, the scapegoat simply gives up. Couple that with the fact that the scapegoat often has no desire to destroy the relationships of others in an effort to prove the abuse. it becomes simpler and easier to just walk away. The scapegoat may also fear that telling Flying Monkeys stories of how the abusive narcissist puts down other family members may lead to them being blamed when the truth is projected back onto them.

They may have difficult relationships too.

Relationships are never perfect. Maybe they feel they have been through worse than you have and come out the other side. They don't consider that we are all very different people. Some people are able to brush off abusive people and some aren't. Even so, abusive behaviour is still abusive and no-one should be stuck in that type of situation.

They do not see the other side.

If you were in an abusive relationship with a partner, these are the same people who would be doing everything in their power to get you out of it. Flying Monkeys prefer to see the romantic notion that parents are wonderful and would always do their best for their children.

They cannot see abusiveness in themselves.

Flying Monkeys are generally members of your own family. If they were forced to accept the notion that your parent was abusive, they may need to see the abuse in themselves. Anyone who grows up in an abusive household has a level of learned behaviour or may be a full blown abusive narcissist too. While they repeat the same patterns with their own loved ones, they will not want to see the damage it has done to you. Please remember when dealing with Flying Monkeys that you are worthy of love, worthy of kindness and worthy of having your boundaries respected. <3

[justashywhiskeygirl0287-deactiv]

[teamvoorhees]

@flyingfloatingfree

[flyingfloatingfree]

Not So Nice Now.

Often those who are scapegoated in childhood find themselves scapegoated in other areas of their lives.  Why? Because we need validation.  Because we want to be liked.  Because we think we can win people over.  Because we lack confidence.  Because we are too accepting of bad treatment.  Because we think we have to be nice to everyone or we aren’t nice at all. How do we fix that? We don’t. We do not need to! Scapegoats are among the kindest, most patient caring people... why would we want to change? So how do we stop being stuck in damaging interactions? Take the time to think before you speak.  Practice saying no. Remain calm. Stop explaining decisions and giving people loopholes to exploit.  Use good eye contact.  Improve posture.  Build friendships with good people. Don’t keep issues to yourself. Keep distance between yourself and toxic people. Excuse yourself from gossip and walk away. This will all become so much easier with a little self love. Every time you hear that negative self talk, tell it to shhh.  Remind yourself of your positive attributes.  Practice self care by looking after your body.  Make time for things you enjoy.  Pursue dreams and aspirations.  Smile at yourself if you catch your reflection.  Seek therapy or counselling.  We owe toxic people nothing. Especially our niceness.  Not being nice does not mean being rude, or standoffish or unapproachable..  It just means taking away the target that is painted on your back.  There are so many people out there worthy of your love, support and time. Don’t waste it on people who aren’t. 

[flyingfloatingfree]

Thrown From the Nest.

Many will tell you that after going No Contact with a toxic family member, they found themselves thrown from the family nest.  In this situation, it is easy to believe that, for your family to cease contact with you, you must be the bad guy here.  It is time to be very honest with yourself and stay grounded in reality.  Family Tree Draw yourself a family tree. Ask yourself just how good your relationships here were. Do you see your narcissistic parent heavily involved in the relationship between yourself and those family members? Were there periods of time where you were ostracised from them? Have they been used as tools to “bring you back in line” when there were problems with your narcissistic parent? Were you close? Could you rely on them in a crisis or to keep your confidence? Remember that anything you have been accused of has been sold to them as truth.  You have Children Did they spend a lot of time with your children? This is actually a good test of their character. If they cared for your children, no matter what they thought of you they would keep a civil relationship in order to keep one with your children.  Was it easy How easily were you thrown away? Did they simply go No Contact with you as soon as you walked away from your abusive relationship? Did they want to know your side of the story? Did they listen if you told them or were they more interested in what they had to say to you? Are there signs that they are toxic too? Sometimes the people who have the most empathy and understanding for you are the friends who grew up in a normal loving household. The people who have the least empathy and understanding are those who have grown up in a toxic home and are carrying on the same toxic behaviours themselves as their own version of normal. These people do not want to see fault within their families or they would have to see the faults within themselves.  What about the family members who still maintain contact?  Signs it is time to fly free: They bring up your relationship with a toxic parent despite being asked not to. Time spent with them causes you stress. They are controlling. They put you down often. You do not feel you can be yourself around them. They only see you on their terms.  They show no interest in you or how your life is going.  Every interaction is negative.  Remember that scapegoating is a sign that an entire family system is damaged and broken.  Healing and breaking that cycle starts with you.  <3

[royallythesussexes]

Advice…. please?

This is going to be long. Please stay with me?

February of 2017 my partners parents but their nose where it didn’t belong. In his money. Partner has 2 accounts - 1) is serious - bills & savings. 2) is from when he was a teen & uses that for fun spending. His parents went and snooped (in his fun account) and blamed me for the low balance. Claiming I wasn’t paying for a thing (we live together), that I refused to eat at home etc and then his dad threatened to move me out.

A few months later my partner wound up in the hospital- he has a heart condition. We didn’t call his mother the moment he woke up realizing his heart was beating funny. After multiple times of checking in with him & asking when he wanted to tell his parents, he finally agreed and told me what to say. She flew over to the hospital & told me I was no one. She then proceeded to call him the next day (after having an episode with his HEART) and screamed at him for almost 2 hrs over the phone saying things like “she doesn’t care about you or your family, coz if she did she would have called. Not texted” it should be noted that other than his heart beating funny for a few he was A-okay! They discharged him after 4hrs. It wasn’t a serious event. We were planning on getting engaged that summer. We picked out the rings we talked heavily about what we wanted & then after the hospital visit & his trip to Vegas with his family, he decided that until things were better with his mom & family, we won’t be getting engaged because “I don’t want to make my mom any madder & right now, I know they wouldn’t support me or be happy for me if I proposed to you.”

She has made comments on my weight. Laid her hands on me while I ate a salad and congratulated me - cos obviously a fat girl has never had a vegetable in her life 🙄 she has loudly accosted me for eating a spinach & feta omelette in public, in a PACKED breakfast joint. She has almost made vulgar remarks about our sex life. Asking questions no mother SHOULD want to know. “How does his mustache feel” “you like mustache rides” while we’re sat at a table with his parents friends at a bowling alley.

She calls and complains about me. Blames me for him not calling (he’s his own person, call your mom… don’t call your mom. That’s not my choice to make) I wouldn’t mind when she calls but she drags my name through the dirt every time. The last time she called she went off on my partner for well over 3 hours because we invited just his brother over to hang & because I had befriended her sister on FB, she gave him the ultimatum of “its Jess or your family. If she’s want you want, and that’ll make you happy, your dad and I just won’t me in your life”

I informed her at dinner one time how they declaw cats & that she should check with her vet before getting a new kitten, because my vet will not just declaw them, you have to have that blood disease where it’s difficult to stop bleeding. But what she heard was “you are a terrible cat owner, you bitch”

The second time my partner ended up in the hospital we called her before we even left the house to get to the hospital. When we got there I thought it be best to sit in the waiting room since last time me being in the back caused so many problems. When she got there I told her they took him back and calmly replied “I’m staying out here cos last time you had a problem with me, said that I was no one. So I’m giving you space, I’m giving you time with him” she mouthed off and walked away. Shortly after my mother arrived, his mother came back out and went off on me (while I was sat at a table with my mom & a room full of strangers waiting to hear about or see their loved ones). The last thing she said was “if you loved my son at all, you’d be back there.”

This and SO much more has been going on for a year now. A year this February. But the worst of it was when his parents showed up uninvited to our house and started a fight. His parents were in my face & my mother’s. His father made fists and lunges at me, he called me a cunt and made threats to show up at the house I share with his Son, at my work & at my college to “finish this”

His mother screamed for hours telling me I was a liar, that I’m an actor that I don’t love her son. She said “you don’t love him, the only reason you tell him that is because you want to stay in his house because you know no one wants you, not even your own mother wants you back”

I don’t know what to do. I want my partner to have a relationship with his family. But I don’t. I don’t want to have that much hate or hostility in my life. I love him… he’s my first adult boyfriend, he was the first guy (and only guy) I slept with… I’ve invested 3 years of my life, energy & love into this relationship & I don’t want to just pull the plug. Maybe it’s petty but part of me feels like if we don’t make it work his mom/family will just get what they want… 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don’t know what to do. I’m desperate for advice.

[flyingfloatingfree]

Abusive Narcissists are Literal Green Eyed Monsters.

They are pathologically jealous and envious. Jealousy rears its ugly head over people they deem as “theirs”. You can’t spend more time with “their” person. If “their” person compliments you in any way and does not compliment them more, then they will rage about it and you will be made to feel awful for their pain because how can “their” person possibly love them and say something nice about you? You have a nice partner/friend? Well, those people are bad for you, they don’t really love you. You should spend more time with your narcissist instead. You want to get a higher education? Well they didn’t get one and they are doing just fine, you always were too proud for your own good. Oh the envy. Looking good today? That makeup really doesn’t flatter you.. that dress makes you look a bit heavy and those shoes just don’t go with that dress… also, you should really get a haircut. Anyone who has more than them… especially you. You wanted that nice top? They may buy it for you and buy themselves 3 nice tops to make themselves feel better because you got one. Or they may just buy themselves the top you wanted and accuse you of the jealousy they felt just because you feel sad they got the one you wanted. Anyone close doing better than them in life? Deep dark depression and declarations about how they deserve so much more. They didn’t get to buy a house as big as yours? Well that’s your fault because they spent all their money raising you. You feel happy? Well, how dare you be happy when they aren’t… they must destroy your happiness because, they are more deserving than you. Destroying your happiness will put you below them with the added bonus that they enjoy doing it. <3

[flyingfloatingfree]

eSTRANGEd

There is something very strange I have noticed about estrangement.  I don’t exactly know why I do it but, I often read the pages and websites of estranged parents whose children have walked away. Maybe I am just nosy, maybe I want to try and understand from the other side, maybe I want to find an inkling of the loving mother I needed there or maybe I just need validation.  I definitely get validation. LOTS of it.  There are parents there who are clearly broken and devastated. There are parents there who are furious and bitter. It’s the second kind I want to talk about.  There are a few common themes that I have noticed that really break my heart and I just wanted to put them out there.  There is a lot of negative language about their own children. Ungrateful Liar Selfish Brat Cruel  Nasty Abusive Druggie  Crazy Hateful Ugly Useless Lazy Slutty Evil Possessed They will blame anyone but themselves.  The other parent.  Their child’s peers The partner in their child’s life.  Their own family.  They think they were perfect.  I see a lot of “We made mistakes, everyone does, no-one is perfect” but, this comes before a list of all the things they ever did that were wonderful. From the bitter and angry parents you never see a list of these “mistakes”. It seems as though that statement is just a socially acceptable norm. It is used in such a way as to garner sympathy from those reading it, not as an admission of guilt.  They aren’t sorry. They really aren’t sorry for any part they played in their child’s estrangement. Well, they don’t believe they played any. Their child grew up to be evil, perhaps they loved their child too much, spoiled them too much… because they were wonderful. Their child’s turn to the dark side (For want of a better expression) has nothing to do with their perfect upbringing where their parent sacrificed their own happiness to raise them. They don’t understand how this could have happened but, it definitely wasn’t their fault. Anything their child says is lies and must be disregarded.  They don’t believe mental abuse justifies estrangement. The most common thing I see goes along the lines of “Unless there was serious physical abuse that put you in a hospital more than once or serious sexual abuse there is no excuse for estrangement”. Yes I have seen that several times and the alarm bells are deafening. They often go on to say “You should always respect your parents above everyone”.  They get what they want and may then decide they don’t want it.  This one is the most saddening of all.  Their estranged child reaches out to them, they agree to meet and start again… This may be once or twice or a few times. There may be grandchildren involved. The grandchildren they were desperate to see, the grandchildren they never failed to send cards and presents too. Still though, those parents who are too bitter and angry, who said there was no excuse for estrangement, then decide they just cannot forgive. Their child hurt them too much by removing themselves from the family fold and doing nothing except refuse contact. They want no part of them. Suddenly the relationship ends on their terms and they feel vindicated in doing so. They estranged and that was the right thing to do. Children MUST respect parents but, the same is not true in reverse.  The other side. Yes, I see angry estranged children. I see them curse out their parents and call them names… but, the percentage is much much smaller.  Mostly what I see? Children, Adult children desperately trying to figure out why their own mothers can’t or don’t love them. Trying to find the fatal flaw in themselves and trying to stay removed from a situation they know has done them tremendous damage… both at the same time.  What they want? They want a loving parent child relationship. They want someone who supports them and loves them for who they are. They want someone who believes in them. They want to be heard and seen and wanted.  Can you see the difference?  <3

[flyingfloatingfree]

Forgive and Forget? No.

I see a lot of posts here and there on the internet that talk about forgiveness. They tell me that I cannot possibly heal and move forward without it. It makes me want to scream. Seriously. Forgiveness works for some people and it works well. Forgiveness is not for me. Forgiveness is what got me into this whole mess in the first place: I forgave all the nasty comments. I forgave all the disapproving looks I forgave the comparisons that left me lacking. I forgave the gaslighting. I forgave them stealing my money. I forgave the divide created between me and my own family. I forgave the favouritism amongst my children. I forgave the questioning of my parenting to my children behind my back. I forgave the lack of any kind of love or empathy. I forgave the blame put on my shoulders. I forgave every, single, little way they made me feel like I was unworthy and useless and broken. I forgave them for 37 years. I forgave them despite the fact that they showed no remorse, there was never any apology and I found myself feeling crazier and crazier while they denied that it ever even happened. It wasn’t until I stopped forgiving them, it wasn’t until I realised my hurt and anger were justified, it wasn’t until I understood that my feelings were normal and understandable that I found the strength and courage to walk away. So No. I won’t forgive them. <3

[flyingfloatingfree]

Don’t confuse your thoughts with your feelings. Don’t let your thinking choose how you feel.

I will give you a couple of examples. You walk into a crowded room and start a conversation with the person standing next to you. While you are speaking, they are looking around the room, appearing distracted and uninterested.  You may  *think* they don’t want to talk to me, it’s because I am ugly/boring You may then  *feel* angry, rejected or ashamed.  What if we changed our way of thinking?  You could try thinking: Maybe they are waiting for someone, maybe they are anxious or nervous themselves.. which would change the way you feel.  This has to be done in a mindful way because, thinking is like riding a bike.. Once we learn to do it, it’s automatic and subconscious. By being mindful of your thinking, you can change your feelings.  Don’t internalise.  If you do something nice for someone and they do not show any appreciation.   You may *think* that you don’t deserve to be appreciated, that you failed them and they didn’t like what you did. You may *feel* angry/sad/embarrassed.   You could try giving them a nudge instead and asking what they thought of it, or if they enjoyed it and maybe you will get a better response. Which will change the way you feel.  If you don’t get a better response, well.. remember that those feelings need to be aimed at them and not yourself because otherwise your own negative feelings can become overwhelming.  Don’t confuse the two.  For example: You tried to make a nice meal and you burnt it. Saying “I feel like a failure” is not a feeling at all, it is a thought. Failure is not an emotion. When you think to yourself “I feel like a failure” that will then bring fourth negative emotions like sadness or shame.  Instead, try thinking about how you can rectify that mistake next time and that perhaps tonight would be a really good night for a takeaway… then smile.  Thinking might be like riding a bike but, if I swapped it for a car, eventually you would learn to drive that too. That’s how it works with thinking, you just keep trying to change it until it becomes second nature.  <3

[flyingfloatingfree]

No Contact means:

No Contact.  Zero. Zilch. Nada.  None.  OK OK you get what I mean. I am not saying it has to be forever or that you should never speak to a family member again. You may find you need to go back or you have to go back. You may feel stronger and more able to cope. You may have received counselling or therapy. You may decide that you cannot sacrifice a relationship with other family members. You may also later find that, you want to go back to No Contact and that’s ok too.  Ending No Contact does not mean accepting abuse. Ever.  For the entirety of the time that you wish to be No Contact, whether it is just time to heal and recover or a life choice, I wanted to give some advice about maintaining it in a way that is healthy for you. This includes dealing with unwanted contact and flying monkeys.  Block all known social media accounts owned by abusers. You do not need to know what they are doing or saying. I promise you it will be nothing good. Going No Contact does not just mean unfriending. Abusive people know very well how to push your buttons.. whether it is by making you angry or making you feel guilty. Resist the temptation to go back and look by blocking permanently. If you find you have mutual friends passing on information, kindly inform them that you would rather not know unless it is something that could be damaging to your career or your home life.  Block numbers from your phone so that you do not answer by mistake. If you cannot block numbers, change the name to something along the lines of “Don’t answer” so you will not be tempted. If they call you from a number you didn’t recognise, disconnect the call immediately.  If you can avoid it, I know this is extremely difficult because I can’t do it. Do not read Letters/Texts/Emails. Pass them to a partner or trusted friend who can read them and pass on any information you may need to know. If you, like me do read them, DO NOT answer.  I know this can be incredibly difficult but, look for the following, recognise what you are seeing.  The false apology  “I am sorry you misunderstood”  “I am sorry you feel that way”  “I am sorry you are hurt”. Recognise that these are not real apologies but, rather put the blame on you. You feel that way, your abuser is taking no responsibility for it.  The guilt trip.  They tell you they are sick.  They tell you they are hurt and devastated.  They put the blame onto you, someone else or their own childhood.  Remember that, we are all responsible for our own behaviour. There is no excuse for abuse.   Hoovering. They may profess that they love and miss you.  They may tell you that they have gifts or money for you.  They may promise that things will be different in future.  These are all lies, we both know that. You have so much love to give and want so much to have it back. You will not find it here. All they want is to hurt you so they can feel good about themselves.  The Flying Monkey.  These will come at you with all of the above, as well as: “Life is too short” “They may die soon” “ You will regret this one day” Deflect Flying Monkeys by simply saying “I do not feel comfortable talking about this with you. Hope you are well.”  Your abuser may also send messages to rouse you to reply in anger, They will deliberately bring up topics  “innocently” in such a way that you will see what is implied but, others may not. Do not fall for it. Apart from the supply they will get having gotten your attention (They do not care if that attention is negative) your angry response will likely be shown around to others as proof of how awful you are, garnering them pity supply.  A couple of other points while I think of them.  Gifts through the mail.  Do not sign for anything, tell them to return it. If it comes in normal mail, simply pass it on to a charity shop so some good can come of it.  Unwanted visits.  If your abuser turns up on your doorstep, do not answer the door. If you answer it by accident not knowing who it is, simply shut the door. If they prevent you from doing so, call the police. Practice what you will do if they turn up at your house. Call a good friend to distract you while they are outside.  Keep records. I know I said don’t read the emails/letters/texts if you can but, you should probably keep them somewhere. Emotional abusers and especially narcissists have been known to try to bring you down by other means. Whether that means contacting people close to you, your employers, the police or even social services. That last one makes me furious. just so you know. Anyway, they have been known to make some quite ridiculous claims. Having a record of any abusive behaviour can be extremely helpful there.  The last resort.  Unwanted contact is harassment. ANY kind of unwanted contact is harassment. The police will absolutely be on your side. Do not be afraid to use them. They will issue a verbal warning as a first step and they can also issue restraining orders and even fines or prison time for breaking them. ALL UNWANTED CONTACT IS HARASSMENT. Please don’t forget that. Emotional abuse is extremely damaging, do not be ashamed or embarrassed to report it.  You an do this, you deserve better. <3