Thoughts

[foxglovenotions]

I’ve been doing breathing exercises to calm myself down for the past 10 minutes and now everything feels light and fuzzy. I think I’m going to sit outside on my balcony and stare at the night sky and the stars for a little while. I have so much to be grateful for but I keep spending all of my energy on and focusing on certain individuals who really are not worth it.

[foxglovenotions]

I have an exceptional talent of crying over virtually nothing/everything

[foxglovenotions]

All I want is to be catapulted into space and to float around a little, too much to ask?

[foxglovenotions]

Things would be so much easier if the earth just devoured me right here and right now.

[foxglovenotions]

I’ve got an interview for my new school tomorrow and im so nervous I feel sick

[foxglovenotions]

It’s strange how fast your opinion of someone can change within a split second. My dad just told me that he knows school is making me very unhappy and is not the right environment for me to be in right now, and that we can “talk about the alternatives”. I would never have expected this kind of support from him and it makes me feel quite guilty for doubting him and having a negative perception and feelings towards him at times. Maybe I just have very little faith in people? I dont know...

I really do not want to drop out of or change school because it may hinder my chances of getting into a good university, but I know that I can not bear one more year there.

[foxglovenotions]

You know, I fell in love with you ever since the first morning we spent together. I love everything about you - yes, starting from the physical but I am overwhelmed by the capacity of your mind and how beautifully fragile and vulnerable it is; how it has its dark corners but is simultaneously filled with so much knowledge and love. You know, you may not feel your best at all times but you are the best for me - never forget that there is someone out there who loves you truly and unconditionally

Oh my, who is this? I can not get over this message!

[foxglovenotions]

Having the biggest existential crisis/panic attack. I honestly have no idea what to do with my life anymore. I want to make art and write but I’ll never be good enough. My future consists of staring up at my blank canvas of a ceiling looking for inspiration that I’ll never find and wallowing in self pity. My worried thoughts have filled me to the brim and I’m soon to drown. For now I shall float around a little.

[foxglovenotions]

It sort of bothers me when I get messages about my appearance. I mean, yes it can be flattering and all, but I do not think for one minute that looks should define people. It sometimes feels as if I’m being objectified, for people just think I’m a ‘pretty face’. A compliment about my personality stays in my heart far longer than any “you’re cute” does, because it’s a lot harder to really notice someone that way.

Plus, isn’t “beauty” a genetic lottery? I mean, people have no control over their appearances, so any compliment about ones soul is so much more meaningful/touching to me. Also beauty is a manufactured image that we’re spoon fed by society from a young age. And of course at the heart of these social pressures lie the fashion/beauty companies that use us as a mere profit device. People are so indoctrinated into believing that if they don’t meet the expectations of what’s ‘beautiful’, then they are of little worth.

Beauty is SO transient though. I’d much rather be ‘ugly’ but posses a powerful mind. After all, ugliness is far superior to beauty-it lasts longer. Our bodies rot and decay over time, and when the earth smothers me I want to be remembered for my personality, not having a pretty face. 

[foxglovenotions]

I’ve been feeling very disconnected from reality lately, it’s hard to explain. I keep finding myself in situations where I feel like I’m in a dream. It’s a very strange/alarming sensation. I can hear and see my surroundings but I’m unable to respond to anything and everything feels flat/unreal. I don’t feel as if I belong to my body. I sort of float around.

[foxglovenotions]

I just need someone who can read poetry with me, sit with me whilst I draw even if we don’t talk, go to charity shops with me, talk about literature all day with me, but most importantly give nice warm cuddles and reassure me that everything’s going to be okay. Bottom line I’m a silly pup who needs love and affection.

[foxglovenotions]

My dad is refusing to allow me to take medication because he thinks it’s “all in my head” and it’s driving me over the edge. I can’t cope. My brain is a muddled mess. I find it hard to articulate anything. My moods are erratic and I swear I’m starting to become delusional. I feel like everyone is out to get me, I don’t know why. I can’t tell what’s reality and what I’m imagining. There’s this looming presence that makes my stomach churn and it unsettles me. I don’t know what...

[foxglovenotions]

I live so much 

inside of my own head,

engrossed in thought,

I can hardly grasp hold of reality.

Time slips through my fingers,

like grains of sand.

I think therefore I am

But consequently

Am I really here?

[foxglovenotions]

Today is a good self esteem day so I decided to take some pictures of myself (I get very nervous and silly about pictures most of the time). However can someone please explain to me what my hair is doing? haha

ps. if you look hard enough you can see a circle mark around my lips from where I’ve been playing the trombone all morning!

[foxglovenotions]

I finally got around to watching the theory of everything last night and I’m still an emotional, snivelling mess after it. I don’t know what it was that touched me so deeply about it.

 Perhaps it’s the idea of “true” love existing, I don’t know. It left me with a wee sense of hope. 

Having said that I think love is beyond my merit since I have the emotional capacity of a teaspoon.

 The bottom line is I’m just a silly little baby with an intense craving for love, but I’m also too selfish to acknowledge my flaws and understand that I’m a detestable creature who tends to alienate the people around me who really care about me...

[foxglovenotions]

Messing about on the piano. I haven't played in so long and it's very out of tune!

[foxglovenotions]

I have an unfathomable and perpetual love for Sylvia Plath. Every single word she ever spewed out of her soul seems to speak to me directly and identify with me...