identity is so.... grappling.... i’ve identified as h/t for the past year now and have felt fine. maybe it’s also me testing the waters. i think this difficulty has to do with the idea of being nb, feeling the type, looking the type. i get extremely happy whenever somebody does refer to me as “they”, though. but that’s as far as my limited knowledge will ever go!
maybe i just need to be more well-versed in this topic so i can actually establish more well-informed opinions aside from not feeling “fully” masc. and feeling more in-touch with this limbo between the gender binary. but maybe what i’m feeling right now is totally fine, feeling male and not male simultaneously? who fucking knows!
but another part of me wants to be perceived differently! i feel like cisgender males act accordingly with one another in a bro-like demeanor. you know, deepening your voice, being more timid with your feelings, and the like. “boy’s talk” for short. i’ve never felt fully comfortable being perceived in this manner. it’s gotten to the point where i’m starting to get slightly annoyed for being totally perceived as a “bro”. i mean.. i don’t blame them--i still dress masculine and quite enjoy it. i just don’t feel masculine. odd.
as an aside: i also started learning more about women’s fashion! so, so elegant (i’m looking at you, margiela/cdg circa 90s and hyein seo and peter do and ann demeulemeester). i remember when i used to dress my video game characters as women during my teens. this is the farthest extent i’ll ever go in wearing dresses/skirts and more ~ feminine ~ garments.
time seems to be going much faster now. the state of the pandemic has been essentially close to nonexistent in these parts; the amount of foot traffic, maskless folks, increasing bustling nightlife all conjure a glimpse of what new york could be in the coming months. and maybe what i also could be.... sexier with an increasing dependency on cocaine and ketamine, augmented warehouse rave by warehouse rave.
life has been so much better for me lately! it’s amazing how new york (+ the east coast as a whole) allows you to change with the seasons. in the middle of getting my physical health back on track, meeting more and more lovely people, starting to dive deeper into my art again, blah blah!!
video games are such a powerful tool in bringing people together... the last time i played games—or even interacted—with this main group of high school friends was back in 2017-2019. in fact, i haven’t seen the majority of them in person since 2017. it’s a bit comforting knowing that they’re still the same people although i’ve become an entirely different person (yet there’s still some part of my past self that lingers here and there) in a different part of the country. it’s like a safe haven.
i feel more fond of my hometown now, in fact! feels like i’ve been such a hateful person in the past, bashing san jose and other people for the cultural makeup that makes up the east sides of my hometown. but there is so much more than that! there is grace in the kind-hearted friends i’ve still kept in touch with over time. i blame my family trauma.
i miss sue’s gallery. i miss the abundance of vietnamese food. i miss exploring random bits of nature in the south bay + montgomery hills. i miss caffe frascati!
oddly wondering how my past loved ones are doing now; i hope we’re all doing ok.
did a little bit of linkedin stalking of high school peers. it’s a bit odd.. comparing yourself to others, especially those significantly more accomplished than you on paper. i’m mainly talking about the ones who went to the elite six (harvard, stanford, mit, etc)... i know, i know... i’m also one of them.
i think it has to do with our accolades and career choices. arguably one of silver creek’s most accomplished students (if not the most) during my time went to stanford for undergrad with a cs/bio double major and has been doing a md-phd joint at both harvard and mit. skimming through his publications and whatnot.. especially having gotten to know this person for a fleeting moment, it’s actually just insane. not that i’m not thriving in a lucrative career with a good brand name, but my lack of self-worth in the professional department tends to be associated with how software engineers are worth jack shit. so pointless, yet we get paid exuberant amounts of money for the little work and impact we make.
i love helping others! but what does computer science have to do with impacting those close to us, compared to those in the front lines, or especially during these times: those who actually engineered the vaccine in the first place? i think this has to do with me wanting to make a lasting legacy for myself, knowing i was important enough to induce a ripple in the world. perhaps in another reality i would have tried harder in high school, and maybe also dipped deeper into chemistry (arguably my favorite science subject).
i recognize that it’s awful attributing your self worth to what you’ve accomplished and what school you went to, but i can’t help but be jealous of those who will likely be an important figure to changing the world in some way. it’s like i’m fetishizing the elite. not proud of it, especially considering the old money and privileged backgrounds that come with the territory. though, my main concern isn’t about those who matriculate into harvard because their father has a 10 million dollar stake in the system... it’s about those who actually went through some form of adversity, about those from underprivileged backgrounds... a rags to riches story as you will (like both my best friend and me).
i wonder how medical students and scientists feel when they think about the tech world and its oversaturation. developing something for the likes of facebook is absolutely nothing compared to what these people do! feels like this mindset has been influenced by my frequent talks with both angela and geena over the past couple of months—specifically regarding their experiences and coursework in their pre-med bubble.
but it’s okay! i’m still happy and satisfied with the way my life is going.
nyc has been tough on me lately. i find myself spiraling almost everyday! most of it stems from loneliness and a lack of belonging. obviously the pandemic also isn’t making anything better. i have a love + hate relationship with the new yorker tough (survival of the fittest) attitude here. feels like my resilience is really being put to the test here.
i don’t believe in any higher deities but please i am desperately praying to have some resemblance of bliss and security back in my life
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this journey (+ self-improvement arc) has been nothing but a rollercoaster! lots of lessons learned (and mistakes made)... watch me be happy and in love with life next week or something
feels like my escapist mechanism has always consisted of some form of media consumption and establishing irrational attachments/expectations with others these days. maybe it’s time to try something else ?? what if i become a gym/fitness/climbing bro (summer body has been slacking) and channel all of this negative energy into good use... usually love my alone time but i’ve had a bit too much and i am now ready for nightlife and good company
in other news i am thinking about my friends’ beautiful writing pieces (and how i wish i could write as elegantly) and how terrence malick’s the tree of life is in my opinion, essential viewing... i have never seen a movie more grandiose than this
“I glanced at the sky. The sky was terribly black, but I could clearly distinguish the ragged clouds, and between them bottomless spaces of black. Suddenly I caught sight of a little star in one of these spaces and began to stare at it.”
— Fyodor Dostoevsky, from “The Dream of a Ridiculous Man,” wr. c. 1877
(via violentwavesofemotion)
“After a while you’re wearing too much no matter what you take off. But you, filling the room with smoke, trying hard to be human– I love you and it’s cinema to keep looking.”
— Alex Dimitrov, from “Seduction and its Immediate Consequences” (Together and by Ourselves, 2017)
music is such a subtle, beautiful way to get a glimpse into a person! i’m interested in what people listen to when they’re sad. what do you listen to during times of unrest?
i have a private playlist entitled heart with a playlist cover featuring a grainy, black-and-white photo with two lips locked but also not locked together. it’s a manifestation of melancholy: all of my most grandiose, beautifully sad songs locked in one treasure box. my song of choice over time has shifted from frank ocean’s self control and at your best to something like arca’s coraje or bjork’s family or yung lean’s bender+++girlfriend. so much to be expressed through sonics rather than emotionally tapped lyrics nowadays.
frankly, i don’t even know what the fuck arca is saying in coraje. it just sounds pleasing to the touch with the soft instrumentation in the background!! i wish i were able to express myself in a similar manner through art: not relying on words (relying on little words if language is really needed), but rather through strokes of feeling and atmosphere. why do i subject myself to this self-induced pain!!
geena’s first impression of me was that i am “well put together.” i found that funny and still find that funny considering that’s the facade i always seem to accidentally give off! earlier tonight, however, she mentioned that in actuality, i am chaotically put together. i embody “organized chaos” in some way.
now this makes perfect sense, but why?
i don’t think i ever try to come off as well-put; perhaps it is my subconscious coming into light. for some reason, people on the surface always think i have my shit together! and the accolades that come along with it are the obvious traces of evidence. friends also think my life is perfectly swell in new york. it is almost swell. just suffering from the same mental issues that have lingered since sophomore year of high school, no big deal!! so much effort spent building a fictitious persona.
when people actually get to know me quite well, though, things start to extremely fall apart... it’s quite an interesting observation! i remember when my innod friends @ eshleman hall witnessed my live unraveling as i slowly built an adderall addiction over the weeks (thanks ivan). one time, lisa expressed mild disgust because she was sitting next to me during my manic phase blotching math equations onto a piece of paper with death grips playing at 200% volume throughout my headphones. she heard everything. aced the final though! i guess this is one representation of organized chaos.
another form of self sabotage manifested itself in my daily trips to moffitt, downing a cup of flat white at 9-10 pm (i usually drink lattes/cortados/espressos, but the library’s mediocre flat white just felt so, so comforting), then proceeding to manically study and take down notes and furiously type code in 180 words per minute at moffitt 5th floor until 3am. friends and loved ones eventually began to check up on me—no! everything is okay! i am okay!—although i never really needed to be checked up on to begin with.
maybe these were my formative years, having somewhat stable mental health while simultaneously being well put together and also engaging in acts of self-sabotage with respect to sleep and drug abuse.
jumping to today, i think my chaotic tendencies come in the form of impulsive decisions! i recently expressed to geena and erika and jay that i’ve been more excited to eat good food and dress in a cool fashion rather than actually bond with the person when it comes to dating in the city. it has become a running joke, really: going on food dates with people i don’t even like to begin with. all of this just to make sure i don’t sulk in misery during the weekends when i don’t feel like having alone time (i spend too much quality alone time already during the weekdays). how selfish of me!
not sure where i’m going with this, honestly.. but it is a fun activity attempting to unpack my core persona. i can also see how even my tumblr posts have been a representation of my organized chaos. impulsively writing journal entries is therapeutic in a way.
may have witnessed someone’s “last” tweet (whether or not they made a suicide attempt, and if they did, was it successful)... his last tweets consisted of uncovering the archives of frank ocean: FYF 2017 performance, his letters following the release of blonde, his 2011 tumblr note-to-self, and so on.... only to be followed by moments of feeling insignificant, and why he can’t pull the trigger.
it feels a bit strange. i remember an excerpt from normal people when marianne was viewing rob’s facebook page after his suicide and was just.. in anger! from what i remember, she would be disgusted by how people interact/react to one’s death online. what is the point of posting on somebody’s facebook wall, spilling out paragraphs and paragraphs? what is the point of romanticizing your relationship with the deceased? is it virtue signaling in a way? is it a way to release your pent-up, bottled feelings into the air? i feel like in some ways it is an act of sincere expression, but it’s an entirely different story if you’re not exactly close with the deceased. but this is all purely contextual!
sometimes i wonder what would happen if i just disappeared. maybe not actually dead, but just gone. like if i went off the grid or something. wondering what my last words would consist of and how i would properly say goodbye to loved ones. what would people say about me? what would be the legacy of my digital footprint? would people care? would people pretend to care?
did i live a life worth of meaning.. and did i make enough impact on other people? am i deserving of a 4-paragraph, 300 word essay?
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