“Someone’s turning the handle to the faucet in your eyes. You pour it out where everyone can see. Your heart’s too big for your body, it’s why you won’t fit inside. You pour it out where everyone can see...”
After a long day of sitting at the front desk at the local car dealership, Freya felt relieved she got to go home. Except for Lloyd and Tim, nothing really special awaited her there, but today had been particularly tiring. She’d met an awful lot of unpleasant folks. From people who didn’t understand english to the ones who actually threw tantrums. A few months back, Eff thought it’d be a good idea to get a job in the public eye. Earn a small but steady income just to support her twin brother and for her own little purchases every now and then. The only thing she hadn’t thought through was the wide array of humans she’d get to interact with during this time. And that a good half of them couldn’t care less about who was standing behind that desk.
Of course, it’s not the hardest job, but it was just enough to scare Freya most of the time. With a loud sigh, she walked out of the building and to her bicycle, which she had chained to the nearest stop sign. Finally winter was gone and she could bike again. A few of her co-workers waved at her as they too exited the shop until she was left all alone. Without any second thought, she hopped onto her bike and headed home. Biking had this way of making her calm down, the wind blowing against her face was fresh and that’s what she’d always do when too many things were brewing up in that mind of hers. She pedaled so fast that she didn’t notice that she had gotten home in record time.
After locking her bike to its usual post, Freya slowly made her way up the stairs as a feeling of dread washed over her. Surely, working offered a great distraction. But when she got home, no one could quiet down the voices murmuring in her ears. She walked into her two-bedroom apartment and glanced around herself. The shelf... She remembered breaking it in an hysterical fit of hers after he left. Trying not to linger, she hurried to her room and passed by Lloyd’s on the way. Some light was sliding underneath so she imagined he was there, lounging in bed.
Stepping into her own room, Freya dropped her bag to the floor then pulled her clothes off her body until she was but in panties and her bra. Usually she’d take a shower, eat a little something, brush her teeth and then go to bed. But tonight nothing felt right. She was feeling nauseous, as if about to vomit at any second now. She also had a raging headache and some mild dizziness. Nothing a good night’s sleep couldn’t fix. But it was as she lay in bed that she realized... A good night’s sleep couldn’t fix anything. It hadn’t for the past 9 years. Ever since that fateful moment when she tried to take her own life, things just became worst. And somehow destiny brought her back to this same exact moment, now 25 years old.
As she laid in bed, her hand fell out to stroke the plastic bag she kept inside her bedside table. She didn’t remember one night in the past 3 years where she hadn’t reached out into this drawer, felt the crumbly texture of the bag and contemplated trying again. But each time, something prevented her from doing so. Each time, the voices of the people she loves echoed in her head and convinced her not to do it. This time, all she could hear was hatred. Evelyn, Lloyd, mom and dad... Sebastian, Tegan, Maia and Hunter. Even Thomas... She couldn’t hear their voices. “Just fucking do it and rid the world of your existence” someone spat at her. “Are you gonna fail again? You can’t even kill yourself right!”
Freya closed her eyes tightly, pressing both her hands against her ears. “No... you’re lying... Please stop”, she murmured quietly. But as if it was calling to her, she couldn’t help but to reach once more for the bag. Malignant laughter rang inside her head, which she shook in an attempt to rid herself of them. But nothing would do. They always snarled and mocked her, but usually she could chase them away. Without much thought, she draped the bag over her head and sat up straight. Her breathing halted for a split second, and when it started again it had increased in speed. What are you doing, Freya? She asked herself this question, but it didn’t feel like she was in control anymore.
Once the bag was on, F got considerably warmer. Her own breath would reflect onto her face and roll around her head before going back into her nostrils and out the mouth again. She tied a tight knot to the bottom of the bag, to make sure no air would skip past. As she did this, her hands trembled and slipped a few times. Tears came later than she expected them to, welling in her eyes and blurring her vision. When it was all set, she laid back in bed and pulled the covers over her head. It only takes 7 minutes. 7 minutes and you’re gone forever. That wasn’t half bad.
In 7 minutes she could fall asleep. Or in love. In 7 minutes she could create something, or destroy it. But mostly, in 7 minutes she could conceive a life or take her own. Air quickly became sparse under there, especially because Freya was crying and taking in much more oxygen than there was available. Just take me, I can’t wait. She tried to inhale, but nothing happened. That was when panic set in. She grasped her sheets tightly into her fist, wiggling a bit (as if that’d help her now). She couldn’t stop gasping but also sobbing and without a final warning, everything was black.
“Freya... Freya please, come back. Oh god no... no!”
Beep... Beep...
She didn’t expect to ever again, but Freya Harvill lazily opened her eyes to the sound of a constant beep. When she was able to look down at herself, she saw the ever so familiar hospital gown and the oxygen mask on her face. Lloyd was sitting besides her, a few veins had burst inside his eyes - probably from crying. He was gently brushing his thumb against the back of her hand. His smile was infinitely sad, and it was something Eff wished she never had to see. She couldn’t help but frown at him, feeling the tears come up again.
“Freya I... I tried. I tried really hard, to be all you needed. To heal you or take your pain. I know yoga helped and friends helped, medication. But I tried really hard to be your medicine... I thought, ‘hey, I’m her brother after all. Love should heal all wounds, right?’ Wrong. I was... I was so wrong, Eff”, Lloyd started, interrupting himself as he teared up once more and sniffled. He held her hand softly with both of his own, leaning his elbows on the side of her bed and bringing her hand to his lips. His touch was so gentle but still so desperate. “I thought you were getting better. Like hey, the thing with Eve fucked you up a bit, I know. It never really stopped. Then Sebastian, but you guys were good now, right? And Thomas... I know he hurt you as well but you couldn’t stop being heartbroken about it this time... I should’ve known you’d reached your limit. I really thought- I-I really...” he sighed, pressing his lips to her hand. “I really thought I’d lost you there, Eff... I don’t want that, okay? A-As hard as things get, I’m here for you. You don’t have to do this. If I could take your pain, I could. Any day, in a second I would. Because you’re so precious to this world, Eff. For starters, I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re practically my whole life. I know I act tough, but do I look like I got shit sorted?” To these words, Freya couldn’t help but smile through her tears. “Freya, I love you. So many people love you... I-I’m sorry I wasn’t quick enough to realize you were falling apart. But I’m gonna make it all okay...okay?” She nodded at his words, tightening her grip around his hand. “We’re gonna get some help, and you’ll be just fine.”
[raises an eyebrow] You do realize this cliff is quite large, right? You could’ve avoided me if you wanted to. I got flustered by your footsteps, sorry?
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