It almost 2 years and still go on
Today, I open this page and start writing about what i feel for almost two years since we broke up.
It was never easy when pouring about you on this page. Never ever. But when I told people about you and us in the past, the smile always on my face. Sometime i feel strange why I still smile to people when I told about you even you broke me many times.
I started this job earlier this year and I try to open myself, my mind to new people that I met. I always try to improve myself and don't want the same shit to happen at this time. It’s always hard because anything that happened in the past always on my mind.
I started to get close that men who tried to know me. But the questions and worries always on my head.
I am afraid that he will same or different with you. I am afraid that he will break me like you but at same time I also afraid he will not treat me like you.
The stories about you were not full of bad things that’s why I afraid the someone new will not treat me like what you did, it’s like since we met for the first time you always try to open yourself without I asked to you.
They did it but without realize I starting comparing them with you. I swear this situation make me stress but when it happened I was not realize I did the bad things like that. I hurt people whose try to know me.
Until someone told me “when you will go out from this situation? if you always in this situation I am sure you will never to find someone and feel like you are in the grave. It almost 2 years, he move on and you must do it too.”
My brain was trully agree with what he told but it different with the heart.
Two months ago I rejected someone who want to propose me. It happened for three times and to 3 different men. I said I am not ready eventhough I always said I am not looking for someone to date but I want to marry soon.
I said like that but at same time I feel afraid to make a new relationship with someone new. I really afraid.
I just want to stop something about you across my mind. I want to really move on. I want to really accept someone new without your shadow. I don’t want to comparing the someone new with you.
I am so tired and get out of this shit situation like you that success to make a new relationship with her.
You told me “if Allah wants to make us together, Allah will unite us.”
Stupid me, I believe about what you told me even I know you are in a relationship with someone you now.
Dumb me. I always go on the trap and shit that you make until the end.
