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I just sent this to the Canadian Campaign for Life. Can't wait to hear back!

I haven't written a joke I like in about three months.

In comments made during an early morning press conference Russia's Prime minister and Sexy Uncle Vladamir Putin made it very clear that any meteor strikes occurring within the borders of Russia would be far superior to any meteor strikes that may occur in the Capitalist West.

"Say, if meteor strike U.S, who would be sexy and important enough to stop the meteor? This Donald Trump?" Putin went on to mock several American celebrities claiming that they would be beaten to death by the mere sound of famous Russian Klezmer player Evgeny Lizin's footsteps.

When asked about the wide spread damage and chaos caused by the meteor strike Putin responded "Is not so bad. We already live in Russia in case you hadn't noticed." He was then given fist bumps by several foreign ministers in attendance for the press conference.

Putin declined to answer any more questions, dropping the microphone and throwing up a gang sign. "Russian Wu-Tang Clan forever" he declared before boarding a nearby helicopter.

The meteor strike has caused severe damage in six cities in the Chelyabinsk region of Russia and has injured over 950 people. Updates on this situation will be available on other people's websites.

Attached Photo Caption "It was only small meteor" Says Putin

I'll learn to be funny on here soon maybe.

fonesecks

Congratulations Kim Jong Il, 100 years in show businesses.

Terrence walked into starbucks, half chubbed as usual. He looked over the counter at the hot bagels and delicious lemon and poppy seed scones for only $2.99. 'Mmm yeah', he thought. 'That's what I am into this morning'. Little did he know that he would soon be into some pussey.

That was when he saw her. Her hair was shoulder length, and pretty dirty. 'What do you want?' she asked brusquely. As Terrence ran his eyes over her lumpy and sensual behind all he could think was 'You, I want you', but instead he mumbled 'Eggnog latte please, Grande.'

It was the holidays and he figured he better treat himself, plus it might impress the mountain of feminine beauty behind the counter. 'I hate eggnog' she said as she sloppily made his drink. She splashed the nog all over the counter, getting a healthy helping of it on her green apron.

'DAMNIT' She moaned. 'SHIT'. Terrence's mind raced with thought of slowly licking the nog from her saggy double d's while she combed his hair. He reached for some napkins. 'Here, I got you some napkins'. He said.

Her hand grabbed his and pressed it lustily into her ample chest. She was basically using him as the napkin. He was so happy. Slowly while she jerked and shook his skinny body up and down in an attempt to remove the delicious nog from herself their eyes met. Her eyes were brown and yellowing and he could see eternity in them.

'Do you-?' Terrence asked, waiting with baited breath for he knew not what. 'Shit yes' she said. 'Holy shit yes' she whispered. She took him by the hand and raced into the Starbucks bathroom. It was very clean and well maintained, like you would imagine a starbucks bathroom to be really.

'What's your name?' whispered Terrence as he buried himself in his goddess' oily hide. 'Shut the fuck up' she demanded, flipping him over and patting his ass lightly with her hand. 'Shit is about to get real'.

TO BE CONTINUED.

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