"Girls should be two things: classy and fabulous" @giannabenedetto - Tumblr Blog

12 months ago we welcomed our beautiful baby girl. She is everything I dreamed about. Grayson too. He he is the absolute sweetest boy in the whole world. He constantly thanks me for being his mommy and living him. He is going to be the best husband and daddy some day. I can’t wait to see what kind of person he is going to be but I am enjoying the time of him being little.

I had a moment yesterday that i kind of have been waiting for but it didn’t take the two or three years i thought it would. So Amelia turned one a few weeks ago and up until her birthday, i had been dreading it. She is our last baby and knowing that i cant have any more is a bittersweet thing. I guess i was just clinging to every ounce of baby that I could have. So, now after her birthday, I kind of morphed into the “ i cant wait for this...’ stage. I cant wait for her to be able to go shopping and pick out new dresses, get mani pedis with me, and have mommy and me photo shoots. I want the reationship with my daughter that i dont and never had with my mother. I want to be her role model and she will be my shining star daughter.

So, yesterday I was sitting on the sofa and she was playing on the floor. She crawled over to her little basket of toys and grabbed her baby doll, its pacifier and a tea cup to her tea set. It was so cute the way she was playing like a little girl and not a 12 month old baby in that moment. She picked up her baby doll, rocked her and gave her the pacifier. I sat there in awe because she is 12 months. She is a rough, firecracker, pistol, hair ripper outer, eye gouger, biter, scratcher........ you name it. But, she had this moment with her doll in th midst of her being th tough little thing that she is. I couldn’t help but to think, at what age do our babies pick up on our love and actions? I mean, how many times did I pick her up and rock her with her pacifier? Quite often. It warms my heart that i was not busy in that moment and witnessed my baby copying me. It made me so happy. I tried to get a video on my phone but she stopped before i could get my camera to start up.

This goes back to my previous post. I am here for my kids, my husband, and to make these memories for and with them. I AM grateful.

Literally have not been on here in a year and a half. I feel like tumblr is kind of toxic like all social media. You start scrolling and reblogging all of the “cute” posts then see the negative and it brings your mood down to a dark place.

That doesn’t necessarily apply to me, just a generalization. I am all about the positive and good vibes. I have a great life and great family and I need to be more appreciative of what I have. I want a bigger house and a lot of land for horses and for my babies to run free without spying neighbors or lurkers. I want to see my husband shoot his guns and teach my kids how to hunt. But, this home is where we brought our two babies home. They learned how to talk, crawl, walk, run here... how could i want to replace that? Do i give them better or hold onto the memories?

I also love staying home with my kids but i also really miss working. I know... before y’all get your panties in a bunch, let me start off by saying that being a working mom IS so much harder than being a SAHM. Being a SAHM is hard in different ways... how many times can you clean the kitchen in one day? How many loads of laundry? Vacuum? Clean up food off of the floor only to turn around and there is more. Again. And again. We don’t have a place to go relax when we are done. As much as a negative that is to me sometimes, that’s where I need to work on being more appreciative of what I have. Don’t get me wrong, i am super blessed that i can stay home and do whatever I want. I dont have to work or out my kids in daycare or hire a a nanny. For that, i am super grateful. I love that my husband sees the pictures and videos from our day. I love that the kids are so excited to see their daddy when he gets home. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel and go back to work even if it was just part time to feel like ME again. My identity is my kids. The last 2 years and 10 months have been my babies. Again, I love it and appreciate it for the most part. I was telling Jason last week how I felt. Just needed to get it off of my chest. He is such a great husband. Any time I feel doubtful of my position, he picks me right up off the floor. I love our marriage and what we have together. He is the man i wished for and God answered my prayers when I was a little girl asking for my Prince Charming. I resent and resented my real dad then and never wanted to be with anyone like him. I had a fair share of bad relationships too. Some abusive mentally and physically, some my fault dragging them down yonder because I didn’t know what i wanted. With Jason, everything feels so right. Our whole relationship feels so right and has felt that way before we started dating. My point is, sometimes we sabotage good things. My way of sabotaging my opportunity to stay home with the kids is wanting to throw in the towel after a bad week. A bad and hard week of discipline, no’s, spanks, time outs........ it makes me feel like i am in the wrong place and bed time cannot come fast enough. Those weeks come about once every 3 months. 4 weeks of the year my kid acts up and I want t give up and go to work? He doesn’t deserve that and neither does my daughter. That’s what i mean. Instead of being angry that I HAVE to be home to straighten his ass out, I snap back into feeling grateful that I AM the one raising them. I AM the one cooking all of their meals, cleaning up their messes, and taking care of them healthy and sick. No one else will love my babies the way that I do. No one will take care of my babies that way that I do. And that is what keeps me pushing through the hard times. Other than wanting to teach my kids to never give up~ push through the bad and relax with the good.

The changes that we have gone through in the past year have opened my eyes and heart. I try to justify the negative to make them a positive instead of bitching and complaining about them to someone. I guess that is all apart of growing up?

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What I think I’m most excited about regarding love is the simple intimacy that only comes with a real connection. How someone’s hands reach for you mindlessly, or how their legs swing over your lap as they’re engrossed in a book. The natural way their body seeks warmth in mine while we watch the stars at night or how natural their hands feel brushing my hair out of my face. Just gentle intimacy at its finest.