GildedUntappedPotential

These are my thoughts. The thoughts none of my friends or family know.

[gildeduntappedpotential]

Why is my load still heavy if you with me?

[gildeduntappedpotential]

Nothing really drives me anymore. Nothing’s exciting. It could be the pandemic but I’m starting to feel like this could just generally be my life. Be me. I’ve long been avoiding the void and disregarding my subconscious coping mechanisms. I’ve just been existing. Always doing exactly as I’m supposed to and never daring to challenge or dream or call for change outside of my four walls. I’ve been happy, sure. I’ve had enormous amounts of fun but I’ve also spent my days daydreaming, wondering, stuck inside whatever flavour of the month fantasy I’m feeling. I feel pointless, restless. Wanting but unaware of what, scared of what this may mean for me in the future. I’m lazy and uninspired and I’m afraid I have been my whole life.

[gildeduntappedpotential]

Everything is so boring lately.

[quotemadness]

“I can’t exactly describe how I feel but it’s not quite right. And it leaves me cold.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

[gildeduntappedpotential]

.

[gildeduntappedpotential]

Oh to be touched and physically moved.

[quotemadness]

“It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine.”

— Mark Z. Danielewski

[gildeduntappedpotential]

I love that you’re mine.

I promise you, I am yours.

[gildeduntappedpotential]

I am having an existential crisis about Christianity and the cropping into leading me down a path of questioning my faith while also strongly clinging to my faith. I am panicked at the fact that I could even type those words but I have and I did. I shook like a leaf. I was fiercely shaking at not only the bold announcement but the thought that I could conjure such a thought...and then to say it OUT LOUD??

Meanwhile, this unsaved nigga in my texts chatting to me about music and movies and art...

...while I lay next to the nigga who just picked me up off the floor.

I don’t deserve an ounce of his goodness and he doesn’t deserve a sliver of my grace.

[gildeduntappedpotential]

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for – and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool – for love – for your dreams – for the adventure of being alive.

[gildeduntappedpotential]

No one prepares you for friendship heartbreak. Life, movies, TV, even school, make it seem like the only heartbreak you’ll ever feel will be at the hands of romantic partners. They never fully explain that relationships, whether platonic or romantic, are all the same. The only difference is you’re more physically intimate with your romantic partners. So because I rub my genitals on the person I’m romantically and physically attracted to, that’s the heartbreak that counts. Friendship heartbreak is worse in my opinion. Lovers, they come and go. The world prepares you for that. It’s sad but you see it in movies, TV, even school. The protagonist cries, screams, eats ice cream while watching The Notebook, trashes said partner to their friends but slowly they start to build back up. You didn’t need that person. They’re better off without you, or maybe you’re too good for them anyway. But what about when it’s a friend? Someone you selected to be your family. What then? What about when it’s the person you’ve known your whole life that’s supposed to understand every part of you? What then? Oh it’s a different kind of pain. Shame for feeling like you selected wrong. Bewilderment because you just never thought it’d come to this. Sadness because the memories will be in vain and because you’re letting go of the one consistent in your life when the romantic relationships have been anything but. You are alone, you are terrified and the one person you would confined in, is the one causing all this pain. Yeah, friends can break your heart too.

[gildeduntappedpotential]

Au rivoir, Soshanna!

[gildeduntappedpotential]

I only love him when I lay beside him at night. When his big brawly body covers me with a calming warmth and I begin to feel bad. I begin to wonder how I could be so cruel to someone who loves me this much. Someone who wants to so badly give me everything

but can’t.

[gildeduntappedpotential]

[gildeduntappedpotential]

It’s always something and at this point it’s almost funny. Almost. I think I’m on the road to one place only to get misdirected but still on my way, only then to get lost, hop out of the car, and arrive by foot to a destination even more unfamiliar than the original one. I...can’t see myself in this space. It’s a house with a lot of maintenance. Of course there’ll be help along the way but

[gildeduntappedpotential]

3 devestating things to discover as an adult

Friends can break your heart too and often times this feeling is far worse than any romantic heartbreak

Your parents aren’t the superheros you once thought they were. They’re flawed, imperfect, sometimes problematic and they will let you down, but you still love them.

Cheese is so fucking expensive

[gildeduntappedpotential]

Fuck, she’s in love again.