kendra and my conversation
Witchy chola I prefer They/Them Bae
Please stop posting about me, I really don't know who you are and I'm getting really freaked out. I'm genuinely sorry if I did those things, but I really don't remember anything.
I just don't know how you could not remember me Kendra, I just don't. You hurt me so bad over and over what happened when you hurt me and just left you never even said sorry to my face, you had [third party] do it.
I don't even know what [third party] you're referring to. I know a few [third party] . But give me a second I'm typing a long thing.
I honest to god don't remember you. I'm not using this as an excuse, but I was going through a really hard time during my rad fem days (which I do remember, because I apologized for unintentionally saying phrases that came off kind of terfy) I was actually hospitalized at some point and almost died. And just recently I lost people I knew in the Orlando shooting so things have been really rough. Again, I'm not using this as an excuse, but I just.. honestly don't remember doing those things. I don't remember things I do when I have episodes. And I'm so fucking sorry if I did those things and truly don't remember. It absolutely makes me sick to think I did those things and can't even remember them to properly apologize for doing so. I'm sorry I got aggressive with you, I just genuinely didn't know where it was coming from.
I know I probably sound like I'm lying but I'm shaking and tearing up and I really do mean what I'm saying. I'm a horrible liar anyways, haha
Also the person I thought you were. Their name is Matt and they raped me during the time where I was hypersexual on my blog as a minor. Again, not an excuse, but that's who I thought you were because I found out they were following me.
I'm just.. so sorry. I don't remember doing those things but I don't know if I can forgive myself knowing that I did those things and don't remember.
I know this probably isn't what you wanted from me. I don't know how to make things better. But if saying I'm sorry will help you, then I'm sorry.
Do you have any art you could maybe show me? Maybe I'll remember who you are from your art style?
I never drew anything we met over [redacted] blog- as for [third party] You called her mommy when we first met, not sure if you still do. Seems like according to the link in your blog shes "bae" now. I don't know what to say here kendra, it still feels like you're gaslighting me/messing with my head considering the lengths to which you went in answering my asks cherry pick deleting them before finally ridding all of them and making me feel like I'm cr*zy. And as much as the pulse shooting hurts and was a horrible thing to happen what does that have to do with anything that's going on now or me confronting you? All I wanted from the very beginning was a sorry kendra that was it. The sorry I never got, it's not going to make it better it's just the closure I needed to have. Thank you for apologizing I appreciated it alot.
I didn't delete them to make you look bad. I just deleted them because I don't like having a lot of negative text on my blog. I delete my own posts too. But honestly, I still don't know who you are. I still don't remember doing the things you said. But I'm sorry for doing them and not remembering if that happens to be the case. And I bring up the shooting because I'm having a hard time right now so I acted aggressively towards you because I had literally no idea what you were talking about in your anon messages.
What name did I know you by?
Did you go by [redacted]?
I don't remember much of our relationship but I stopped talking to you because you tried to make [third party] be your dom and it made her really uncomfortable.
Yeah, that happened after you left? I was needy for attention I regret that alot, but I know that happened after you left.
[third party] stopped talking to me eventually and for a very understandable reason considering I started acting weird with her and probably made her immensely uncomfortable, I didn't start doing that until you left though.
She said you did it whenever I wasn't around.
I'm asking her now if she remembers anything you posted about since I don't.
She's right, I think I started trying to make her my dom after a while during the times you were still yelling at me she was nice to me and didnt get so mad and i dont know what i was thinking I went into over drive with it when we were left alone. I should apologize to [third party] eventually for being a creep, thanks for reminding me
Well from what she's telling me she felt too afraid to say no to you.
Because she has a hard time defending herself.
I was going through a really hard time and I was still a minor. I don't remember what I did to you, but I'm sorry for doing them. But all of us are in the wrong in this situation and I think it's just best if we drop this whole thing and heal on our own terms. I'm not excusing what I did, especially with how you explained it. It's disgusting. And I'm sorry. But I think it'd be best if we just dropped contact all together. All three of us. And I'd greatly appreciate you deleting the things you wrote about me as well.
I sent [third party] what you wrote and asked her to read it so she can share her side of the story since she was involved. I told her don't be biased.
[third party] never deserved to feel unsafe like that I wish she said no i wouldve understood
Her: I read that whole big post
Her: I honestly don't remember you blowing a fuze and abusing him
Her: I remember the nudes because he sent one to me once
Her: I don't remember if I asked or he just did it for whatever
Her: I think this is just.. I dunno
Her: A big misunderstanding
Her: You never meant to hurt him. I know that
I never wanted to hurt him either. I stopped talking to him because it was a little to close and it was hard to talk to him through whatever website we were using because I had horrible connection
I was definitely in the wrong with her I was a total creep I used her as a way to make myself feel better and thought she didn't mind it
Yeah [third party] would defend you every time you yelled at me i remember that
Her: I wish he wouldn't have approached this situation like this
Her: But I'm glad he at least is being sincere in talking about it
Her: If he truly was hurt by all this there's no need to go full out and make menacing messages and a blog to call you out. I know he must've been terrified to approach you, but as long as he's calm about it you will be too
Her: I just don't understand what he wants for closure
I mean I can't fix what happened, but I do think everything was just approached the wrong way on everyone's side. Mine included. And I'm sorry about that.
I don't know I never got to tell you these things before kendra you were just so unapproachable and when i brought up problems you'd be so mean to me that it made me not want to tell you them ever making the blog was sort of cathartic in the sense that it was like getting to scream it all out finally I never expected you to fix anything I really didn't I shouldn't have been menacing either
You really terrified me, that's why I acted aggressively. And I don't mean that in a way to blame you, but just a reason, I guess?
I have all this built up in me so much it hurts and I didn't know how to deal with it so I guess I used anon to feel safe while getting some sort of revenge
I mean at least I know who you are, but I still barely remember what we even went through just that we used to roleplay n junk.
And honestly, it would have made me WAY less aggressive if you at least told me who you were because god, I thought you were Matt and I was literally scared for my life.
But at least through you I managed to find out he was still stalking me, so thank you?
I get you I got the same way when I thought people messaging me had been you
No I haven't messaged you since like, years ago. I usually don't go on anon unless I'm terrified of the person.
All I can say is, as I've been saying, I genuinely don't remember these things you claim I did, but that doesn't mean they didn't happen. What I do know happened is that you scared me when you were sending me anon hate, so me gaslighting you recently wasn't intentional, I was just scared. I'm sorry for the things I did and I'm genuinely disgusted with myself if that's how you remember it going down even though I don't remember any of it. I don't know if that's the closure you wanted, but I'm being as sincere as I possibly can with you right now and as stubborn as i am, I don't do that often haha
That's all I wanted from the beginning yeah
yeah but again, you were scaring me. That's why you didn't get it. I genuinely didn't know who you were.
I understand and im sorry for doing that
like, not blaming you bc you're allowed to be mad at me, but that's why I didn't apologize sooner
Thank you for apologizing for that part.
I understand if you don't want to talk to us anymore, but I don't even know the person you were describing to be me. That person is dead to me. I'm disgusted that there is a possibly I acted like that.
That being said, I am still mentally ill. I'm in therapy. I take meds. I still have shit memory during episodes. I'm a CSA survivor, recovered from anorexia, have lost loved ones to hate crimes. That's who I am today. I don't ever want to go back to what you described to be me.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I just want to announce my progress. That I did get help like you apparently suggested awhile ago.
and during the time I knew you, I was hypersexual as fuck because I was being molested by someone who was 21 while I was around... 16-17 when we were friends? so that might explain why I acted like a piece of shit, but it's not an excuse and I'm sorry.
I guess I just also want to share with you that it was never intentionally done to hurt you, if that makes sense. like. I didn't get pleasure out of hurting you. or else I would remember, y'know? But I'm still sorry. Idk how many times I can say I'm sorry because it still feels like.. not genuine enough.
I should apologize to [third party] at some point I was way inappropriate with her and crossed lines that I shouldn't have crossed using her as a comfort zone in some weird way nobody deserves to feel unsafe saying no
As far as when we knew eachother goes im fairly certain you were eighteen but being a csa survivor as well i understand
Maybe? I might have been. I just know around that age I was acting out a lot because it was so recently that Matt pretty much destroyed who I am.
Part of why I started fixating on you so much lately is because I have bpd and that combined with my many traumas made me do things I should've thought about before doing them, like you said it's not an excuse yeah.
I get that. You lashed out because you were angry at me. You should have just approached me calmly, but it makes me feel better knowing you weren't doing it just to get pleasure of me being upset.
If you promise me you'll delete the posts about me, I'll even make a post saying that I've worked things out with you just incase anyone else tries to message you. I told Emetyo not to message you but she's very protective of me so, sorry about that.
I'm just scared someone from my work will see the posts or something. That's why my blog isn't nsfw anymore
I still don't even feel safe talking to you in a way that expresses comfortability like this i just i understand where you're coming from but I need this up atleast for a little while I can remove the tags though
I need this up i need to be able to look at this and remind myself that im not hallucinating this
I can remove the @ your blog and the tag
You can look at these messages and see that we've worked it out. You're not hallucinating and your feelings are valid, even if your actions weren't the best route to take.
that would make me feel better, yes. I'm not trying to hide what I did, I just am scared for my safety.
Thank you for helping me find out my rapist/abuser was following me at least.
Thank you for letting me have the closure I needed
Yeah, of course. I mean.. I'm sorry I just don't remember much. A lot of stuff that happened during that time I don't remember so it's not just you.
I guess I finally snapped it's like
Well at least you got it out of your system, right? There's always a positive to bad situations. In this case, even though I've been crying over this, it still worked out, and I can only grow from this.
I've been hurting for so long over this and regretted just never confronting you on this it's like I have this layer of grime on and in me that I can't get rid of and how badly I wanted to hear you say sorry face to face like this
I was crying at work today because of it I really had no idea who you were. So don't think I was able to just move on from your messages. I just literally forgot everything that happened in that time period including that I probably hurt people.
things have just been really bad for me lately. really bad. and this was the last straw because I was just so angry at myself and everyone.
You've told me about matt before I remember that
I don't. (of course I don't)
Yeah you told me about him back then I don't remember everything you said but I wish you best of luck with getting rid of him
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