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@goldmine3000
slgoldmine's angst machine turned 9 today!
for old st. valentine
i’ve met many new people in my time on earth
this past year or so.
at the gym
in the nightclubs
at work
and they ask me
“oh, are you seeing anyone?”
if i trust them
i tell them about my dates
and yes
i went on
a few
hoping a few would turn into
a You.
the way You scrunch up Your nose when You laugh.
the way You care for the community around You.
the way You dress
the respect we have for each other when we talk.
i want to dive head first into Your ocean.
learn Your ebbs and Your flows
the changing of tides and the crashing of waves
upon the beach, where my toes are stuck under the sand
for You live an ocean away.
at the moment. Your time in my orbit is fleeting
as You figure out Your future
and where the coastal winds will move You next.
we walk in the shadow of the rose bowl
the petals our time together
the thorns the uncertainty of our future.
for if i dive in and You leave
to go to a place that might be better suited for your talents
i will be left to drown in a sea of hypothetical riptides
through no fault of Your own
only the way You make me feel.
i bought myself a pair of sneakers for Valentine’s Day,
a buffer should You leave.
perhaps ill look at them every now and again to remind myself
i am my own valentine
at the end of the day.
but if You wanted me to
i'd fly to You
until every alaska airlines plane You see in the sky
reminds You of me.
and if You wanted me to
i'd sail to You
through the panama canal.
and if You wanted me to
i probably wouldn't drive.
unless You were in the passenger seat with me coming home
for if You were to sail away from me
and head home
then i am content to be Your lighthouse,
standing by Your ocean
sending you all the light i can
to illuminate your way.
9:08 PM on a Monday
i can’t tell you to dim your light
then go lie on the couch and be anxious
about what i can’t control.
i can’t dim my own to light your lamp
and my mine can’t be dimmed by what someone might think of me
or what the voices in my head convince me i know about myself.
my light stays on.
the warm glow of my laptop
keeping me awake.
more time to worry about nothing.
yet not enough hours in the day,
to accomplish all i wish to complete.
so i flip pennies into the void
trying to reach an itch i’ll never be able to scratch
a shadow i’ll never be able to catch
o the places we’d go
if i was not too scared of what ifs
all the best cases and dream worlds we'd create together
if my mind could deviate from the darkest days
we could go on hikes
and hold hands
eat hamburgers from stands
on the street
we could see the world together
people-watch and project our stories onto them
we could lie next to each other and feel peace
our arms each other's safety
but these are all intangibles
the same ones that hold my feet to the ground
like cement as i wish they would let me fly
to take the leap together and not worry where we land
but today i stay trapped
letting my mind wander into quicksand
entirely my fault.
cuban coffee
all the roads love’s lead me down
have brought me right back to you
and i think that’s a sign.
through all the ups and downs
that being a young man in the city must endure
the one constant
has been you.
whenever i have the luxury of spending time with you
as you emerge from the law school library
checking all the baggage that brings at my doorstep
i feel peace.
you’re smart.
you lead with your head
an anchor that keeps me in place
rather than holding me beneath the surface.
as we sit in a hot tub
and i pretend to like IPA’s
you say you have a hard time believing my compliments
and i have a hard time believing
you think you are not.
you often doubt the places you have put yourself in
through hard work, dedication, skills at your craft
the same brain that got you where you are today.
sometimes, i’ll kiss you in the morning before we go to work.
as a feeling of stability rushes through my veins
a wind beneath my sails that carries me through my day.
i wonder if you feel the same.
i wonder when the next time is
that ill be given this sensation again.
the truth is, i don’t know.
it’d be foolish to try to anticipate.
ideally, it’d be more often.
i don't know when the roads we walk will lead us together again,
but i do know
that all the roads love’s lead me down
have brought me right back to you
and i think that’s a sign.
down boy
you have the same features as every woman that has ever brought me peace.
eyes that are brown like the soil of this earth
the soil from which flowers grow.
hair that resembles the roots
that tie you to our shared motherland.
an attitude that keeps me safe with a double edged sword should i step out of line.
i want to appreciate you.
i want to learn the swerves of your hips
the breaks in your heart
the cracks in your facade that you feel the need to cover with foundation.
i want to be in your rolls of disposable film
i want to dance with you to music from 10 years ago
i’d wear cowboy boots and pretend i’d get your references
i’d fix my posture to impress your father
but you
are hours and miles and states away
so you stay
relegated to the rose tinted lenses of my mind
where we live happily together
a dream to retreat to
as life gets me down.
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by mathewspaceman
24/7 Sylvia Plath
the cycle
you’ve
sucked in and pushed up you’ve
pinched your stomach you’ve
starved yourself you’ve
stood up so fast you’ve had to sit down for days you’ve
had IV’s in your arm and tubes up your nose you’ve
injected needles into your forehead you’ve
worn shirts that were too big to hide yourself you’ve
posed and filtered a different version of yourself to the world you’ve
hid yourself behind impenetrable walls you’ve
told yourself you’re ugly so many times you’ve started to believe it you’ve
asked me a thousand times if i think you look alright you’ve
never realized that every single time
i’ve thought you looked perfect
no matter what.
the other one
she lies down next to you
and reads the words i wrote for her
a million miles away
then she puts the paper down
to go back to whatever reality you two share
and with it goes the image i had of her left on the pages
letters forming words
that no longer have meaning.
Hélène de Troie
i do my best to douse the flames of my heart
my fires of desire
whenever i look at you
ashamed at allowing myself to feel
that if i let the flame inside my chest burn for too long, it will ignite the rest of my home
and i will burn to the ground, having nothing left
you are my image of perfection
so familiar and yet
so far away
i always say “if only you were here
this would be you by my side”
letting myself daydream and
imagining a reality so far from reality
that i convince myself could be true
that one day you
would just magically appear by my side
when in reality we are separated by physical, international
and language barriers
what would i tell the immigration agents ?
after i take a plane and then another plane and then a bus to get to your heaven
would i tell them
i think i’ve met the woman of my dreams on an app
an app meant for our visual cultures to satiate themselves
on photos of the same unattainable that i myself am trying to attain
would your father scoff at me
for reading the words his daughter wrote me
and falling in love
he would think i’m a sucker
a desperate american grasping at breadcrumbs
at selfies and videos not even meant for me
and all the boys in your orbit
would scoff at my hubris
for attempting to simply waltz in
and try to make everything easy.
when it’s not, and never will be.
asking who i think i am
to only be able to afford a long weekend
and thinking that you
could just drop everything
and for those moments in time
be the people that we pretend to be for each other
or what if we reveal the parts of ourselves that we hate?
if we lift the veil of distance and technology
revealing monsters beneath the surface
then it all goes for nothing
a flash in the pan
a mirage
perhaps we will always be two ships passing in the night
never meant to meet
relegated to what if’s and could be’s
a cycle of talking about how great it would be
then never talking at all
the truth is that that you and i can only be together when i close my eyes
when i allow myself to daydream
as my mind wanders out of my skull
perhaps i’m only ever meant to imagine what your skin feels like
perhaps i’ll only ever imagine how it feels to make you laugh
as you take my hand and lead me through the places
so close and yet so far to me
we’ll go into shops and you’ll speak their language
and say “he’s only lost in his own mind,
this fantasy we are speaking in right now will never sustain itself past this page”
and i’ll nod and smile politely
but i’ll keep writing
until one of the dreams in here comes true
and i’ll never have to write about maybe’s and what if’s again
or i just burn out and forget about you
until the what if’s become remember when’s and could have been’s
as something else grabs my focus and leads me away from you and my daydreams
as we make ourselves busy with someone else
never walking down the paths we planned for ourselves together.
moon river
it's the things that sound the worst that i miss the most about you
foggy eyeglasses and spilt beers
the damp walks on a frozen patio
from the boiling hot tub to the mattress that barely fit two humans
garlic fries in gale force winds
lighting cigarettes on gas burners
having you take all my sheets with you as you woke up in the morning
or waiting at the doctor’s to get an MRI that never came
i enjoyed it all
because of you
perhaps i never showed it
i might have never even told you
but i appreciated every car ride you gave me
so i didn’t have to walk .6 miles just to pretend to help you meal prep
how you said it was ok that I thought The Joker was scary
and didn’t judge me bc i couldn’t even sneak a diet coke past the ticket collector
how we took a day trip to milton-freewater at 10am on a wednesday
and ate mexican food
how we explored every grocery store in town
always finding what we didn’t know we were looking for
how you included me on your journeys
your successes and shortcomings
your fears and frustrations
as i fought my demons behind closed doors
my hand on the small of your back as i’m 10 million miles away
unable to wrestle my focus from the issues that will work themselves out in time
issues that won’t matter to me the way you mattered to me
you and your sweaters that are always 2 sizes too big
you and your hydro flask that weighs 800 pounds
the kinks in your hair
and the tired sleepy smiles
everything that makes you you
everything you have struggled for
all the mountains you’ve climbed
all that has been taken from you
and all you’ve rebuilt
you might not think they matter.
but they matter to me.
get into it
idk why i’m scared to write about you.
perhaps i’m scared to walk down the roads that inevitably lead us apart
where we spoke different languages,
and could no longer see each other with rose tinted lenses.
maybe i’m scared i might turn into the werewolf you saw me as when the clock strikes midnight,
as i retrace my steps and try to figure out what went wrong
while the wind of all our former friends blow through the trees as i scour the forest floor
trying to find the catalyst of where we went astray
which would be oh so convenient. if only there was a tangible object to cast my blame upon.
a fork in the road where we went our separate ways.
a black cat crossing our paths.
a letter with all the words on it that i was never able to say to you.
a photograph of your smile,
a smile that i could not procure of my own volition for longer than i would like to admit.
there is no way to quantify the distance between us right now,
to the point where i question if our relationship ever happened in the first place.
as if the past two years were a mirage
a fever dream followed by a rude awakening.
but for now the wind blows through the emptiness
of the house we could not make into a home together.
the absent side of my bed
a few less candles and pictures on the walls.
i never did find what you are looking for
when i was on that same forest floor
trying to figure out what went wrong
but i hope you find it!
no matter where that takes you.
i hope you are able to find your sanctuary,
and the peace i was no longer able to provide for you.
i hope our songs no longer carry the same sentimental value when you hear them
one day, and you are able to encounter my interests in the wild
and not have to think of me. until your memory of us
goes from a story to a chapter to a paragraph to a few words
that you look fondly on from time to time
as you exist in a better place
away from me.
just know that i’ll be fine.
i’ll be fine. i know i will!
i repeat it to myself until i actually believe it,
and i want to wrap this poem up with a neat little bow and send you on your way
but i can’t.
because that’s not always how this works.
i thought we would end with a neat little bow as well
a cherry on top of our since-melted sundae
but life doesn’t always end up like that, does it?
so i leave you with this:
i hope your mother is well, above everything else.
i hope you are happy and healthy and find whatever you are searching for,
and i know that we could not be the perfect love story we both envisioned all those years ago.
but at the end of the day, we turned into the song “Cool” by Gwen Stefani instead
and I am at peace with that.
new years eve, 2018
me and my friend take the metro into downtown
i remark on how above-ground trains give me thrills
and how tinder is like shopping for people
something that i could never condone
neon lights reflect the excitement in our eyes
eyes and ears adjust as we’re patted down and given wristbands
the ambiance inebriates us
because it’s new years and drinks are like 16 bucks apiece
the thought of a “new year’s kiss” is a myth
right? i don’t care if anything happens tonight,
i’m here to dance and have a good time with my friend
and then i saw you
they say everyone looks better in the nightclub lights
which i guess is true
we’re all blind to adrenaline at some point or another
but nobody looks as good as you
the tattoos on your arm
you looked at me and had me in a trance
brown eyes shimmering in the strobe lights
inviting me to dance
we moved in perfect rhythm
to the drum and the kick and the bass and the snare
two stepping, staying grounded
mentally floating on air
your voice rang out over the subwoofers
about our life trajectories
about what i liked to do,
about travel, food, and astrology
at 11:11, you told me to make a wish
for good luck for the incoming new year
if i told you what it was
then i’d be cursed until 2020
but when i have my arms around you, i don’t have time to worry about curses
with you i feel like this nightclub is actually a botanical garden
that we’re strolling through leisurely admiring the plants
(with my arms still around you, of course)
with you i’m not concerned about the fact that my belly looks weird and puffy when i stand sideways in the mirror
i don’t care who said what about me or who told who that i was too full of myself
heck, i don’t even think about how scared i was just to approach you and say hello in the first place
but then you went to the bathroom and i thought to myself
i might never have the chance to tell you how beautiful you make me feel again!
i might never learn about what a communications degree actually means
i will literally never see you again because you said you lived in long beach and with the traffic situation on the 405 you might as well have told me that you live in Kansas and you ate half of my $5 bag of M&M’s now the night is ruined i might as well go home my legs are killing me and I had to drive to LAX to pick up my friend at 7 in the morning today
but then you returned
brown eyes shimmering in the strobe lights
highlights in your hair
flowers drawn on your arm and back
perfectly contoured, highlighted, wing tipped, smelling like peach conditioner
your serenity returned to my arms
and as the clock struck midnight
and the confetti rained down upon us
and the kick drums came through the speakers
and everybody collectively lost their minds
the world around us jumped and danced and threw their arms up
and you
you know that feeling when you stay up all night writing a paper that you’re sure is a D+ at best comes back and you get an A on it?
you know that feeling of a warm bundle of laundry fresh out of the dryer?
or a nice hot bath with your favorite playlist in the background and just enough candles?
well whatever that feeling was,
it washed over me as you kissed me
as the countdown hit zero
and time stood frozen
and confetti got in my eye
i thought to myself
“thank God my wish came true”
because the thought of a “new year’s kiss” is a myth
right? i don’t care if anything happens tonight,
i’m here to dance and have a good time with my friend
and then i saw you.
same moon
whenever i look at your picture in my phone i can’t believe
we see the same moon
that you can be halfway across the world
and see the same sky that I do
you see the same clouds and see the same stars
whenever i look at your picture in my phone i can’t believe
we breathe the same air
that you can be halfway across the world
and breathe the same oxygen that i do
you smell the same roses and feel the same breezes
whenever i look at your picture in my phone i can’t believe
we feel the same feelings
that you can be halfway across the world
and feel the same feelings that i do
you grin the same smiles and ache the same pains
whenever i look at your picture in my phone i can’t believe
that i could do anything for you
that you can be halfway across the world
and you would even care about me
the same selfies and the same playlists
but for now
i look at your picture in my phone and i can’t believe someone as beautiful as you
sees the same moon
that i do
little lavender lad planting a little lavender