Hanging On Words

Jeremy Torrez

[hangingonwords-blog]

12

The walk fucking sucked. 

I guess I just, I don’t know, hallucinated or something? I thought I was back in that fucking house, and just

I lost it. I don’t know. I started running for the door, and the door got farther and farther away and I couldn’t get to it and great googly fucking moogly everything went to shit. Apparently, someone had to grab me and hold me until my mother could come pick me up, and even then, I was still freaking out. 

They said I calmed down when my sister showed up, but I have no idea if I did or not. I just feel sick.

[hangingonwords-blog]

11

Same goddamn dreams. The spiders get me, the rope thing gets me - I can’t even go up the stairs without ending up right back here. I don’t know what to do.

Sometimes, I’ll just sit on the couch and stare at the T.V. White static is the only thing that plays, but it’s a distraction. It’s all I have - all I have is a fucking distraction. Something to keep me occupied before the rope wraps around my throat, rubs it raw, and strangles me. Or smothers me, on occasion. Those times are fun. 

I’m gonna go out for a walk or something. I’ll update when I’m home.

[hangingonwords-blog]

Dr.Phu

Fuck Dr.Phu. I’ve trusted her for 17 fucking years with my mental health, and she doesn’t give a damn about me. About what I want, about what makes me better, or what’s helping me. I’m done. I’m done with that fucking office, with the blue couch and the blue walls, and the fucking windows that won’t open. I’m done with it.

Dr.Phu tried to get me on my pills again. The ones that make the dreams come to a stand-still. I told her no, and she kept insisting and insisting until I got up and just left. When I got home, I dumped out all my pills into the trash, threw the bag away, and that was that. I canceled all my other appointments with the office, and I blocked their number on my phone. 

I’m fucking done with this bullshit. I’m gonna figure this out.

[hangingonwords-blog]

Got called into Dr.Phu’s office. Apparently it’s an emergency, and there’s no way my mom or my sister is going to let me miss one of her appointments - especially not an emergency one. Wish me luck.

[hangingonwords-blog]

Same dream. I must’ve done something wrong, I don’t know. Stairs are a no-go, and the kitchen is a no-go. That leaves the attic and the basement so far, and the closet. 

I don’t want to go back to sleep tonight. Does anyone want to talk? 

[hangingonwords-blog]

10

The baby crying was coming from the kitchen this time. I pried and pried at the boards over the entrance, and after a while, I managed to get it out. Splinters jabbed into my skin, but I didn’t care. 

The kitchen was... Well, just like the rest of the house. Beige walls with a white finish, dust covering the counters, spiders skittering back to their webs when I walked in... The usual signs of a Hell-hole house. Anyways, the sink was full, but the water was so murky that there was no way in Hell I was going to stick my hand down in it. The stove was rusted shut, and the fridge was too. 

I was wandering around when I felt a bite on my neck. I swatted at it, knocking a spider off, but one bite was all that was needed to make me dizzy. More spiders started skittering at my ankles, climbing up and leaving bites all over my skin. I fell backwards, my eyes starting to close sleepily. I was numb all over, so it wasn’t too bad, but I could still feel all their little legs. All of their little scurrying, especially when some of them prodded at my lips.

I woke up as soon as my eyes closed.

[hangingonwords-blog]

09

Note to self: do NOT sit on the couch to rest. Between the couch cushions, cockroaches and maggots fester inside. Fucking disgusting. Not only that, but before I knew it, something had me by the hair in one hand and was smothering me in the other. I tried screaming and kicking, but I couldn’t get whatever it was off. 

My head grew dizzy and hurt, and I couldn’t get any air in my lungs. I felt my eyes roll back and my body start to go still under the pillow. The grip on my hair slacked, and it almost seemed to... Pet me. I don’t know. I remember everything going darker than it already was, my fingers going slack and cold, and my lungs - I could feel them come to a halt in my chest. I ‘died’, and then woke up.

[hangingonwords-blog]

08

I did it. I got out of the goddamned room, and got into the main part of the house. I knew getting off the pills would help. Fuck you, Dr.Phu. 

Anyways, it’s some type of old, abandoned house. I can’t go upstairs though - I just end up right back here. I can’t go downstairs either. Dust covered the beige walls, and the kitchen was boarded off. I decided not to explore around there. A clock on the wall ticked slowly by, but the numbers on it kept changing. I couldn’t make out what time it was. 

After some time of searching, I heard something from upstairs. A baby crying, I think. Well, with nothing better to do, I tried going up the stairs. Only thing is, in the middle, the stairs broke and I fell through, scraping myself up. 

I was back in the fucking baby-blue room. Then I woke up.

[hangingonwords-blog]

07

Screw it. 

I’m going off the pills. I’m tired of the same old nightmare, the same old routine. I want to learn why the fuck I’m having this dream, and to do that, I’m kissing my pills goodbye. Dr.Phu, I’m sorry. I’ve gotta find out.

[hangingonwords-blog]

Update:

Dr.Phu and I had a long, long talk at the office today. She told me to be more careful, and that going off the pills was a risky move for a prolonged time. Luckily, one night didn’t bother me too much, I guess. 

I got a brand new pill bottle, higher dosage than the last ones. 

[hangingonwords-blog]

Didn’t sleep after that dream. Going to Dr.Phu’s office as soon as it opens.

[hangingonwords-blog]

06

Dr.Phu? I uh. Look, I'm coming in first thing tomorrow morning. ASAP.

Okay... My hands are still shaking, but I've got to document this. I'm just... I'm just gonna go for it.

I was in the same baby-blue room, everything was going normal, but I was getting pissed off. Fast. Well, like I always do, I guess, but this time it was like I had no control of my body. Instead of freaking out and scratching at the walls, I put my palm on the wall, felt the rough wood, and then slammed my head into it. Over and over again, I slammed my fucking head into it. It didn't hurt, so that's a plus, but I have a headache now.

I kept going and going until my body finally went limp, and I was laying face-up in a puddle of blood and brain-matter, splattered across the floor. My gut twisted, and if I could've, I would've thrown up. (I did throw up when I woke up, actually. Mom and Carmella are trying to wash the sheets right now.)

But... I opened it. I opened the fucking door. As I was laying there, my vision getting blurry, and my hand reaching up to feel the slick, bashed open part of my head - only to fall short - I saw it open. I saw the wooden floor and the beige walls. I saw it. I tried to move, but I couldn't. All I could do was lay there as my vision gave out on me.

I uh... I could feel something though. I could feel something moving - something around my head, trying to stick and clump in my hair. I don't know what it was.

I don't want to know.

[hangingonwords-blog]

Hey, uh, Dr.Phu? This is me again, trying to get in contact. Your office isn’t picking up and I don’t have any other way of contacting you. I really don’t want to go the night without my medicine so if you could just call me, that’d be great.

[hangingonwords-blog]

05

FUCK. 

Sorry I really wanted to get that out of my system and oh look, here comes some more. 

FUCK ME SIDEWAYS. FUCK.

Long story short I dropped my pill bottle and the lid wasn’t on and now, whoopty fucking doo, I’m all out because I can’t find where they rolled off to. I’ve been searching for an hour and a half now.

Dr.Phu, if you’re reading this? I can’t get a hold of the office so ah, I need a refill, like, ASAP.

[hangingonwords-blog]

04

Same shitty dream last night. Woke up screaming and kicking again, covered in sweat. I don’t think the pills are helping any - not with the dreams, at least. (Or my anger issues)

[hangingonwords-blog]

Update:

Carmella (my sister) kicked my ass down the stairs and back. 

[hangingonwords-blog]

03

Uh, sooo... I kicked a mailbox today. I don’t know why I’m documenting this, but I guess the doc should know? Oh well.

I was just minding my own business and I guess I was tired or something from the lack of DECENT sleep, and I just ran into it. I got pissed, kicked it, then got stung by a bee in the ass because I fell back onto the flowerbed. Then I realized that it was my own mailbox I was vandalizing. So whoopee.

My sister’s going to kick my ass when I come home.