My name is Kathleen and I’ve been a swiftie since I was five years old. My kindergarten teacher would play Stay Beautiful for us to help us learn how to spell Beautiful faster. Everytime I write Beautiful I have your voice in my head now.
At the same time that I was learning how to spell simple words, I was diagnosed with Common Variable Immunodeficiency (CVID). Basically, my immune system isn’t complete and I get sick a lot. I used to get 104° fevers almost weekly, and was living off of antibiotics. Finally my mom asked the doctors “Can’t you test her immune system or something? It’s like it doesn’t work!” And they tested it and found out I have what I have.
Even though I was diagnosed in kindergarten, I still missed a lot of elementary school due to me being sick. I still have the effects of missing school to this day. I can’t do simple math, I can’t do long division, I can’t do multiplication past my 3 times tables, and I get extremely anxious when I miss a day of school.
Third grade was probably my worst year. I missed about a month and a half total. I started pulling out my eyelashes and picking my skin till it bled. I was an anxious wreck at only 8 years old.
One of my most vivid memories of that horrible year was feeling like everyone single one of my friends had moved on without me. Kids are mean. I’m sure you know that. One girl told everyone that I would get them sick and kill them if they came near me. So they didn’t come near me. Another girl told me that I looked like a freak because I only had a few eyelashes. I pulled the remainder of them out.
Then one day, my mom took me to the mall and we shopped in justice. I looked up and there you were on the TV singing Mean. I felt like you were singing it to me. I still do.
Flash forward to February 2018. I got diagnosed with Narcolepsy. After years of missing out on parties -sometimes even my own-, losing friends because I was “too tired” and even gettin left in a parking lot by my “best friend” on Halloween and replaced by another girl because I was “too tired” and “faking it”, I got diagnosed with Narcolepsy.
reputation came out just a few months before. I remember when I heard Call it What You Want for the first time and I heard the line “I’m doing better than I ever was”, I cried. I cant remember if I cried because I was so fricking happy that you’re happy or if it was because I couldn’t relate to it, or because I was so so so close to finally getting answers on why my friends were leaving me and why I was so tired. I was really beginning to think I was crazy. Then I got diagnosed.
The first thing I did was listen to Call it What You Want. Even though I didn’t relate to the song in the sense that I had a boyfriend, I felt (I still do tbh) like I was finally in a happy relationship with myself.
And now: Lover is out. Daylight put into words how I finally feel. I feel at peace with myself and free and excited for whatever it is that is coming my way.
Anyways, this became much longer than I wanted it too. But I just wanted to thank you @taylorswift for everything you do for me and others. You’ve helped me so much and you don’t even know it. I love you.
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