The Guys > The âGood On Paperâ Guy: Frank
Frankâs Tinder profile looked great. Ivy league university studying finance, 6â˛1âł, fluent in multiple languages, chiselled abs, an actual job, and just enough looks to be considered a down-to-earth ânice guyâ rather than a player âpretty boyâ. Heâs incredibly intelligent and accomplished. Heâs the type of guy you admire, but still somehow underestimate.Â
How We Met: Tinder. Iâd just come back from university, where Iâd been hooking up with someone (Kevin). I liked him but he was just in it for the sex. So here I was, on Tinder, vigorously swiping and thinking: fuck Kevin, Iâll find someone to replace him, someone to make me forget about him.
I arranged a date with Frank only a few days after arriving home. Our first date was on the rooftop bar of the Ritz-Carlton. My first impression was âohâŚI was hoping heâd look better in personâ (I know, shallow). However, after knocking back a few cocktails to compensate for the awkward silences, I had a new appreciation for him. He had a lopsided smile and big green eyes. He was charming in that cute-nerd, adorable-introvert kind of way. I felt the date was a disaster (as I felt so intellectually inferior), but the passionate goodbye kiss in his car said otherwise.Â
How It Continued:Â He arranged date after date, which led to seeing him twice or more times a week and of course, sex (great sex). He texted me everyday (something I really wasnât used to) and was persistent about seeing me. I felt wanted, and like someone was paying attention to solely me. I wasnât entirely sure I liked him yet. I mean, I got excited for dates and sex, so maybe I did? I continued going on dates with him, whether out of curiosity or boredom.Â
At the same time, I wasn't exactly sure whether any of this was safe. After all, we had met on Tinder. I was very skeptical and guarded about every meeting and would perform background checks with friends constantly. Iâd even figured out heâd blocked me on Facebook--a fact I chose to ignore in hopes of keeping things problem-free and just as they were. I told myself he probably just had something embarrassing he didn't want me to see.Â
After about two months of dating, he took me to Prague for a weekend. I had a fantastic time seeing the city with him, going to bars, and just exploring with someone in general. It was in Prague that I started to feel comfortable with PDA. We held hands everywhere we went, kissed in dark street corners, and I fell asleep on his shoulder in the taxi back to the hotel. I hadnât felt this safe with a person in a long time. It felt good to have a deeper connection than my usual four-week flings with the guys at university. It felt good to have someone be there for me on the regular; to have something to look forward to each week.Â
After Prague, we had limited time left before I would head back to university to get my things organised before the term. Though each day was filled with âI miss youâ, âcome backâ and âwhy arenât you here right now?â, it was at this time that I discovered his âex girlfriendâsâ Facebook page that stated they were still in a relationship. Again, I chose to put my rose-colored sunglasses on and only think of the good in him and what we had. Maybe she just forgot to take it down? Maybe she just wasnât over him yet? It felt horrible to have found someone I liked and was actually happy with but to be so far away from them. After a week at university, I decided Iâd had enough of feeling lonely and miserable and booked a ticket back home. The costs were 100% worth spending four more weeks of bliss with him.
How It Ended: It was great coming back. I spent the weekends curled up in Frankâs arms after hanging out in sweatpants, watching movies, and dancing around in my kitchen while cooking. All I could think during these moments was: wow, I havenât felt this happy in so long. All I wanted was to hold onto it as long as possible. But somewhere towards the end of those four weeks, he grew a little distant. It bothered me a lot, but my friends suggested he may genuinely be busy. I believed them because I didnât want to overreact about yet another insecurity.
Before leaving for university, he told me about a business trip to Tokyo that his mother was pressuring him about. She didnât want him to leave and neither did I. But I wanted to be supportive because I knew he needed it. A few days into the trip, I discovered he wasnât actually in Tokyoâbut in Hong Kong a.k.a where heâd mentioned his ex-girlfriend of three years was from. After a little detective work, I found out he was spending time with his ex. Suddenly, everything fell into place. This was why he blocked me. This explains the relationship status. I immediately knew Iâd been played the entire time. All I could think was: how fucking stupid could I have been? How could I have ignored all those signs just because I wanted to feel happy? All my happiness this summer had been dependent on lies from a guy with no sense of morality or remorse.Â
I confronted him about it and luckily he had the decency to tell me the truth. He explained that first and foremost it wasnât just about the sex between us, but that he genuinely just wanted to hang out with me. His girlfriend had wanted a break from him while she was undertaking a study abroad program, but he wasnât fond of her decision. âI just wanted someone good around me while everything was going badlyâ, he said as he explained why he needed me around to âlean onâ while his mother was sick.
In the end, he still used me for his own gratification, whether emotional or physical, lied to me the entire time, and led me on for three months.
What I learned:Â Listen to your gut and protect yourself at all costs. The most important thing to do is listen to your instincts. If I had taken the red flags seriously (such as always hiding his phone, blocking me on Facebook, dodging questions about his ex, and becoming distant before his upcoming trip), I couldâve avoided so much hurt and unnecessary drama. Have confidence in yourself. You have the right to confront people about whatever you want. Do not avoid confrontation because you fear being judged or fear affecting your happiness. The earlier the issue is confronted, the less hurt you will be. Protect yourself. After all, youâre the only one you can truly trust. Iâd been on guard from fuckboys for so long that I completely underestimated this ânice guyâ. My fling with Frank was the longest Iâd had since my ex (three years ago). Because he treated me properly and was interested in who I was as a person, I let my guard down and believed this was someone I could trust, someone I could show my real feelings to, and someone that wouldnât hurt me. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Donât underestimate ânice guysâ and protect yourself no matter how good things seem.
And remember, ignorance truly is bliss.Â