hedomasochistnist

failing, growing, (hopefully) daily

[hedomasochistnist]

A crow knows me I know, because it lands at a distance Shy, but waiting A crow knows me better

Children grow up to be mean or demeaned Or not to be at all Thats what I was thinking, blowing flowers Off the sidewalk You told me to be mean You didn't know, I was helping spread the seeds Now you've cracked open mine But instead of roots, I simply bled out

A crow knows me now Better than anyone I simply toss it something to eat And it lets me fill in my own gaps Who would've thought That an animal grasps people better than those Who stand for the people and not animals I'm a four legged baby trying to eat And I'm ripe, for the slaughterhouse

[hedomasochistnist]

As the lamps grow relevant for my flickerstarved mind The hour comes to grieve the coming hour coming by You could hear the dust sigh The final observer without escape My heartbeat louder than the snap when my patience breaks My lungs ache to make a sound to drown out the teardrop And crawl out my mouth to meet the damp sheet Only to see Nothing Then shamefully retreat Hoping I didn't notice while staring at my feet

Do you Want to Lift a finger? Brush my chamber as two strangers? Well dear I fear All of me The painting'd be Wet canvassing

Folding over old, spare lightning bugs I feel a garden at their touch Oh nothing really leaves me still Sure something there's not something real But real? When I try to sleep in winter The change is sure affecting me There's power beyond what glass can see I'm a scavenger's hunt of invisible parts When complete, the end looks just like the start Maybe I was a hoarder all along With my pockets unzipped

Do you Want to Mediate thought? Bring close two opposite strangers? Well I Count more All I've seen A wall untouched says more than love

My strained page told me to breathe Nerve leaves the seat More than any single hand could craft My feathers catch the dreams

[hedomasochistnist]

I was flattered to be alive when I knew what survival meant For life is consciousness with a compliment You find a needle for every straw that bends I nail mine to the mirror hoping that my body ends The start, the fence, different in differences Arguments, no really what does it mean to be living? I get so separated for the sake of being myself What does it mean to be someone when there's no one else? I was shattered to be pieces, what an angle to survive Thought being hammered means hitting the floor But a punch means nothing when it bounces back out the door What a scene, bitrate doesn't pick it up on the TV screen But who I'm projecting to be is only meant for reality I was cut short when I knew I ran out of time What a funny line to be alive

[hedomasochistnist]

Next of kin, sin is being king in equals When you lose eye to eye, are you sinking or anemic? You're losing your touch, when you resort to power as a crutch And slip into another world, are you rising or well?

[hedomasochistnist]

Dustborn, I don't remember when I started thinking Or feeling A sinking flowing feeling When my thoughts flowed into my body You eat what you think so i cooked food for thought early Me A sinking flowing thought pushed onto a stream Massively influenced but still naive Tugging It's that feeling At the time I wasn't thinking Like if youre not sinking surely you must be swimming Neurotic dive but I wasn't quite there yet It's like crowdsurfing while being in the middle of it Storm river rinse baby's first food late Couldn't counter the current as I struggled any way to get safe It dawned that water falls in roughly not far away Being moved through the stages was an early decay My strength was to dissolve into a thousand particles each day As i slip the stream of consciousness my first eye starts to open My dustbowl soup I'm mired til my heart was open Thought that life's a slope into an ocean Until I was seen by abyss Then I saw I see more than forwards And felt my body and mind be separate When it rains I pull out to the nearest exit A shallow wide practice But the more I rinse my mind, the less I repeat and exist My legs speak more As I play with my keys by the bank thinking "This is it, for sure"

[hedomasochistnist]

I cramp when I write and I cramp when I read I can't really find how old I be see Its been some birthdays since I last had one Anniversaries only mean something when they mark changes between them So happy birthday and a half to losing the love of my life I was reborn a lot when I died a little inside Anniversaries are supposed to be worth returning to, right? So happy birthday to every day and night Though as they get older my soul gives less candles There's birth in every day but death in seeing the same scrambles Same shards, same puzzles rearranged We remember what we want to get a happy birth today Same sky, same lies same liabilities Same force that pushes me down Say something worth to me See I cramp when I sit and cramp when i read And cramp when I walk because this birthday wasn't made for me The world is a completed puzzle I fall between Because my edges bumps and turns aren't made for a happy eighteen I can't really find how old I've been see I see a different story in every picture Scratch that, fuck a story, and fuck a picture Fuck dry concrete cause we're all a mixture There's a happy birthday in being set in stone But there's death in every opportunity abandoned for something known As I disassemble my own puzzle I pick up a thousand more pieces Hidden because they're ugly, unwanted or unfit I stack them all up So I can reach the sun To either crush it in my hand or be burn before it's begun I don't want to live in a world where there's another birthday We all thrive as equals as colours flowing into space

[hedomasochistnist]

I don't wanna get well I want to get hell And turn the embers into ideas I want to show you my side I want to show and listen to myself Go Or listen to myself

I want to see you bare and I want to be held And see what my pulse says about my tells I have impulses and patterns caused By scraped knees I often licked off

And as a child i made friends with someone who hates me But as she approached me I saw the scars on her wrist I knew I'd be horrible and I knew I was in hell So when my arms healed and stomach shrinked I wrote to myself: "I wouldn't wish this upon anyone else but you Because I hate you and I love you and I know we'll make it through"

Oh I want to see me bare and I want every side I want to live in hell and love you my paradise I had to see me shrink to grow up and I had to grow in size So when I cried for the first time, I knew i had a new pair of torched clear eyes

[hedomasochistnist]

I can't listen I need to feel everybody Just to avoid them Carve a path of blind spots The outside looks ugly when You're stuck in your cells for Days And months That I Tried to move on from Sifting myself into leaks What's not done gets undone Undo the process until I break Thought I need to see someone But I can't even see the Days And months

The weakness I'm from Doesn't hold me a grip It pushes my ankle Then asks why I tripped While I see spikes below me It's really a pit Thats swallowed of half me The rest is composite

I'm the making of I'm the work in progress I'm the poster child Without a TV promise I'm a half written contract Signed by my tongue I'm completely honest And shocked that I'm not drunk I'm four lines over what I need to say And I'm a hollow year from being a break And I'm nowhere close to, what I think I am I think I'm nobody As far as nobody understands

#115

[hedomasochistnist]

Heart hanging on poisoned wells A sugar rush self serving for me to close and fail It's easier to self sabotage and deal with the shame When the withdrawal of clarity deals ugly pain It's terror at that It's outright paranoia And if i hold onto a fantasy it might seem worth it Fast forward a year and shit aint been working Im unhealthier than ever with my wires crossed And even when i can't find a replacement, i need my wires plugged Hanging like a noose I won't take again Hanging like test to my discipline Staring at me as a constant "this again" Because I'm too started to transform delusion into memories Grossly hanging onto what couldn't be And I've not moved on yet as im scared of trying But I know I won't be wishing when I'm dying

#118

[hedomasochistnist]

I used to look more decorated In friends and confidence Now I've lost a ring and cant find my wrist The real shame is why it went Stifled minutes linger like online debt I pay my dues with every moment I forget Stop calling My ears aren't perked And I'm put on hold by three times of hurt And four if i fancy Biting off my left hand because i guess both are Now they're everywhere others ain't And not in someone's arms I'm like black chipped fingernails Started off well But I'll proudly show off what I have left because I earned it myself I'm a depressed mess with off-white teeth And chained up feet and bigger dreams And with no keys in sight I'll stammer on knowing I'll be well

#117

[hedomasochistnist]

I was picking up some broken glass shards Wine bottle got flimsy at the family bar Tipsy crowd and loud laughs cover me from eye darts I was grateful that my hair's so dark As i sweep the parts I'm reminded of departed members lost And the hate that it brought Many years ago my grandfather would drink a lot Scream and be a piece of shit a lot Translated thoughts of ignorance Down to my father's importance Cut to present day and he's still 'ignant As I get up in the middle of an argument Between him and his brother off their shit Offering nothing but fallacious parts of splitting parts of descendant particles The minimal, the to-the-detail subliminal What they swore off now clashing itself like cymbals I turn away to flee granddad thoughts Like who would've thought, he never died, just lives ingrained in us Shit changed my life, down the line, it's dangerous The day I knew I had to cut it off

#116

[hedomasochistnist]

Cracks in the corners of the wall

At the auditorium of the suffering of it all

I'm sat, cornered and small

Fists raised but even summer falls

And my wintering mind can't spring to happier thoughts

Seasons lapse like any wimpering dog

And i tell my dog days to sit, cornered and small

At the auditorium of life and more pitfalls

I slip and let repetitive thoughts win

The ace up their sleeve shaped like coffins

Double deal debt turned to million margins

So i keep my ears perked like marshall

And so every single mistake reverberates in this hall

At the auditorium of my whole existence

And the suffering of it all

I'm sat, cornered and small

Fists balled but I can only chew on bone

Wait until it cracks

My only hope that when my life ends, I don't have time to react

#115

[hedomasochistnist]

Telephone on the horizon and in my arms reach But my weak lips can't roll the words I need to speak I need to breathe But the gears aren't turning It's been a whole lot of nodding and not a lot of learning Before you know it, lesson's over, who called? Who was it even supposed to be? Recall but connection's lost Because memory has a cost and it's a price I can't pay It's student debt for the weight of losing all your days And choosing your own weight's like choosing who goes and stays Your impact is minor or one hotline away And I'm heating up today That time and feeling again Feel like being a statistic So I'll settle for losing a friend

#114

[hedomasochistnist]

I only see shattered reflections Your face is a mirror that I'd smash my face with And lonely my place is

I spend most of my days thinking about how I spend my days How I used to spend my days, laughing to the bank Now I'm losing my own pace, lavish was the past Stuck on my back like fragments of glass

I only see my imperfections Your face spread on the floor that my face drips And bloody my place is

I spend my time lamenting how it's wasted How I used to happily, spent on friendly faces The pace is, tedious and spacious Dragging with nails like that's what the pain is

I only see misdirections Your face swept up next to where my face lives And whole my place is

I spend my moments catching up to the next How i used to with others, whether horrible or perfect Moments now dawn on me before I know Decisions lose my air like it's got me choked

I only see answered questions Your face looking at mine looking out the balcony And gone my place is

#113

[hedomasochistnist]

Rusty at life, my engine barely starts

Got more visions and goals than I do friends in my heart

It's just pen, tunes and art

Living together apart

And parts of heartache make me backpedal the start

I'm my horizon afar

Running as someone I can't know

Add on running on fumes and on empty

Add on my eyes uncontrolled

And on views sunken in plenty dated scenes i dearly hold

I've gone back to beginning

Day one, years old

#112

[hedomasochistnist]

If I'm in harms way, I keep my angle Pardon me when we collide but part of me is thankful See parts of me cry when I can't have my vengeance So pass me the line so I can see I overstepped it Don't trust a thought past nine Get up before Ten Brush your shoes, they don't see you smile often And they'll be eyeing your heels when you hit that finish line Shine your trophy because everything else declines

#111

[hedomasochistnist]

My reflections gotten more dusty because i can't wipe you off And mirrors gather a certain dialect that sound like something lost Like the imprint on my eyes surprised I've been analyzing my fears turn to ice Shake realisations like years gone by Hate what's meant by that, but my ears been trying Actively expiring, gone from up to post-date To nearly retiring Taking up hate Lost discipline along the way Next to shoes and attitudes, love and longer views The optimism too And the late nights to six Now its three hours a day Chewing old news for the fix Sometimes it licks back like "remember me" Like I've been fucking trying But aint changed for shit It's just the footwork from the ramp to no higher Shake my pockets for it and watch my last dime fall into the gutter like that's a wonder My third last ditch effort of the day is blundered And if i can feel my heart grow, it's to get out of where it's stranded Old news, old me, oldering, still abandoned

#110