QUARANTINE THOUGHTS 7.27.2020
I know I usually don’t write texts and just post photos because sometimes, words suck. They offend, they hurt, and they said pen is mightier than the sword. But that’s besides the point. I really am writing because I’m starting to feel older because of responsibilities. I started budgeting for the family and actually contributing to the expenses like a real adult. But I’m only 24. I’m not ready for a family and its responsibilities. When I was in high school, I thought that when I reach 25, I would be so ready to marry and have my own family. Easier said than done because I’m gonna turn 24 this year and all my goals are still personal and selfish. I’m still not ready for marriage, not even kids because when you get older, shit’s gonna get more complicated. Responsibilities, bills and all that just pile over the other, sometimes one by one but usually all at the same time. It’s like you went to college “preparing for the real world”, but really, not even close. College will give you the basic skills for work, but that’s just a small but very vital percentage compared to the whole spectrum of adulting. Relationships are quite the problem too. Keeping friends was easy for me, but not for everyone. But romantic relationships though. Some can keep them for years but it’s a problem for me. I used to think that the problem is the other party but you know, you get to another and it fails and maybe another one and it fails again that you can’t help but feel like, you suck. That’s it. You don’t have the capabilities to be a romantic partner, you’re fired. And maybe, you’ll end up, I mean me, being a grandma who takes care of cats, except I like dogs more but you get the point. Or maybe, I’m not emotionally mature as I thought I am. How will you know though? But you know what? You just do you. I do me too. I try to be better to what I wanna put my time on. Maybe I’ll get better with words in time. Maybe, I’ll get better with relaying my thoughts and emotions and I won’t have to cry alone all the time. But right now, I’m working on fitness, and I’ve never been as fit as I am now, I learned to cook, my cross-stitching skills got better, I have learned to work with eyeliners better, basically my makeup skills got better than before, and also learned that I’m not cursed with plants. They used to die on me, now they bloom on my face. Maybe there’s still hope after all. And maybe, I’m on my way there. Just a bit late than the others. :)