The Help and Stuff office

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[help-and-stuff]

Hi there! I was wondering if you had any tips for relieving headaches? Random I know, but I've been having constant headaches for months now, and every time I go to the doctors they just say it's stress and tell me to just take painkillers until they pass. Problem is I'm not stressed and the painkillers aren't helping, so I was wondering if any of you knew of other ways to relieve headaches? I've been chugging water like crazy but no luck there either. Thank you, hope you all have a good week <3

Hello, Anon-san! Long time sufferer of both headaches *and* migraines here! So you’re in good(?) company. Here are a few things:

Good job with the water! Staying hydrated is important, and even more important is staying hydrated *while* the headache is going on. I am really bad about making myself eat and drink while I have a migraine, even though I know it makes it worse. Get Carnation Instant Breakfast or something that’s dense with nutrients that you can get yourself to ingest.

Make sure you’re getting plenty of good sleep that is on a consistent schedule. This sucks and it’s hard, but I find a big trigger of headaches can be shifting my sleep schedule dramatically. Try to go to bed and get up at the same time every day, if you can, and get at least 7-8 hours of sleep.

Keep a headache journal. If it’s not stress, there may be something else that is triggering them. For example, mine can start up after eating specific things, when I’m close to my period, or if I sleep in a different bed (who knew that hotel pillow cases could cause headaches? NOT ME). 

Cold compress over the forehead, temple and eyes (not ice, though -- cold enough that you can tell and keep it comfortable). Darkness. Get away from your computer and your telephone until it dies down, as the light from the screen can make it worse.

I say this with some degree of caution, but try different pain killers. The ones you use may not be the most effective, depending on what kind of headache you have (for example, for migraines, I can *only* use Excederin -- acetaminophen, aspirin and caffeine. If it’s related to muscle aches and inflammation, use ibuprofen.). 

There’s a pressure point between your thumb and your index finger bones. I know it sounds crazy, but if you hold your hand to put pressure on both sides, it actually can relieve the pain. It’s called the “Union Valley Pressure Point” (see #1 here for a diagram). I use this pretty regularly.

Hope this helps! Headaches are the bane of my existence.

- Paper

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Hi! I'm both ace/aro-spec, and some days I just feel broken. Like, I want to have a relationship but I just... don't develop attraction towards others. I'm 21 and the last time I had a relationship was when I was 13. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm a-spec, but other times I wonder if there's something about me that is undesirable and therefore others don't want me or see me in that way. Anyways, what do you guys do to feel better when you feel broken/unwanted/lonely? Thanks! 💚💜

I will begin by first saying : there is nothing “undesirable” about you. Criteria for what makes people desirable to others is such an abstract and constantly changing concept depending on so many things so it ends up in what is attractive in one situation, is repulsive to another. Don’t think too much on that. There is nothing wrong with you , aside the things you decide to work on for your own well being and not pressured into it. (Ex: short temper, loosing/gaining weight, stop smoking,eating better, bad habits,etc….)

If you have no romantic attraction toward anyone: don’t feel forced to get into one just because its what everyone else consider the norms. There is plenty of people that are single and perfectly content with that. Loneliness isn’t something that is “cured” by relationships. Some people feel lonely in a room full of people. What “cures” loneliness is finding people who shares similar interests and behavioural habits and who can share times with you. Whether they are romantic partners or friends has no effect on that. ( sure the “ touch” aspect is important , but this society makes platonic contact like hugs seems weird when it should be way more normalized than it is currently. )

If you just haven’t found anyone interesting enough for you to even consider dating: don’t rush or settle for less. Its better to be single than badly accompanied, as we say here.

In the meantime : concentrate on other aspect of your life. Your hobbies, your job, your social circle, etc… developping a social circle based on your interest wil attract people who share your mindset and interests, and thus finding people that are actually “interesting” for you.

You are far from alone. No matter your mindset~ ♡ Keep your head high and keep on rocking!

P.S: what I do when I feel lonely/undesirable: I remind myself I am content with the way I look and act and I wouldn't change it to settle for anyone. I do what makes ME happy and love the things I love and have fun with friends who share my mindset. If Love happens on the way : YAY if not, I won't be sad.

[help-and-stuff]

This is for Joshua, random question. How often do you shave your face and what brand of cream do you use for it?

Ahahahaha ~ Usually once per week , I like some stubbles, so if you want a completely clean shave , you will need to shave every 2 days or so, depending on your hair color. Shick Hydro Gel sensitive skin ~ I would recommend sensitive skin formula since the skin ain't used to facial shaving and could get irritated. Another note: Some type of skins won't tolerate long facial hair either( prone to pimples and folliculitis)

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(1/?) i'm 23 and i've never been in a relationship, when i was in school a guy said he liked me and lead me on but then i found out it was all a prank he did with some of my classmates behind my back to laugh at me (bc i was fat/ugly haha)

(2/?) then when i was 18 i had this friend who i just now realized he liked me and we went on dates, but i never regarded them as dates since he never explicitly said he liked me or smth, so i never told him i liked him too

(3/?) and now, i’m a bit scared of liking someone? bc i feel like i’m way too inexperienced for someone my age and idk how to start things and i feel very self-concious, and if someone kinda likes me i start doubting it and

(4/4) i feel like they are pranking me again, *sighs* anyways, thank you for listening, i really needed to vent

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Anon-san, I had the exact same thing happen in school. Those guys were assholes, and you didn’t deserve that kind of treatment. But I understand that kind of thing sticks with you, and I still think about it from time to time myself (and I’m quite a bit older than you are). 

The thing is...everyone develops at different rates. When you say you’re inexperienced, even that is based off comparing to others. And believe me, there are many people who I have met who were/are in your same boat. What’s most important is being confident with yourself and your feelings. And that takes time and (as weird as it sounds) practice.

When you’re speaking with friends and acquaintances, take the opportunity to try being clear and direct with your desires, even if it’s just something as small somewhere to go on an outing or an opinion you have on a topic being discussed. When you’re feeling self-conscious, try and remove yourself from the situation in your head. If you were speaking with a good friend, would you give them the scrutiny you’re giving yourself?

Really what it comes down to is that it’s hard to open yourself up to both give love and receive it. There’s always a feeling of risk. But by being comfortable with yourself, you can be clear with your intentions towards others. Make it known to potential interests that you’re worth it. Because you absolutely are. You are more than the sum of your “inexperience.” You are an interesting person who deserves someone who sees you for how awesome you are.

- Paper 

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I'm really worried about my job interview next week. I just learned that it's going to be in front of a panel of 4 people and because I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks I'm concerned about my stress levels. Does anyone have any tips or suggestions on what I can do to stop myself freaking out? I really need this job!

I am also going through an interview process for a job right now, and I too deal with anxiety, so here are a few tips that work for me!

- Have all your ducks in a row: Bring a copy of your resume that will just be for you. Make notes about relevant past job experience that may be good to mention when you are sharing your background. The more homework you do before heading in, the more comfortable you will be. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a notepad or paper!

- Breath: Don’t be afraid to take a breath before, after or while you are responding. No need to cause yourself more anxiety by suddenly feeling like you are suffocating. And making yourself breathe also forces you to slow down.

- Smile: Make yourself smile. Not a huge “:D” but visualize what it would be like to work with these people and get the job you want. Be pleasantly professional, and let them know you would be really happy to be accepted.

- Interview questions aren’t always about telling the truth: Let me explain. In many situations, an interviewer is less concerned with the facts of something that happened so much as that you are able to answer the question. If you’re asked about a time that you did something well/handled a bad situation/worked on something above and beyond, don’t get hung up on the nitpicky details. They want to know that you can recognize a situation and handle it. They aren’t going to go back and fact-check what you say.

- Have fun!: I promise that’s not supposed to sound trite. I understand that job interviews are hard and that there can be a lot of pressure to do well. But at the same time, if you approach it like it’s something you want to do and that you are genuinely interested in building ties with these people, visualize it less like you’re being judged and more like you’re being given an opportunity to try something new. 

Don’t forget to show up a few minutes early, dress well and have a good breakfast beforehand! I’m rooting for you, Anon-san!

- Paper

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(1/2) I'm really worried about my younger brother. He's 13, and a super sweet and a funny extroverted kid, but for a while I've been noticing him getting super anxious in certain situations such as ordering food or talking to staff in stores, to the point where he breaks down in tears sometimes. Its so hard to see him struggling with this, as it is EXACTLY like what I went through as a kid, which eventually resulted in me going through a massive breakdown 2 years ago.

(2/2) I’ve tried to tell my parents about my own and my brother’s situations, but they really don’t seem to understand the weight of the problem. I’m unsure if I can even call this social anxiety because my parents don’t discuss mental health with us much at all. All I know is that I would hate to see my brother go through the same kind of meltdown I did, but I have no idea on how to offer him support or get our parents to take his problems seriously and not dismiss them. What should I do?

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If you have undergo a similar situation: What are the steps that helped you out? Sharing them with your brother and reminding him he ain’t alone is a very important part in the process. Knowing someone is there for you and UNDERSTAND what your brother is going through.

For parents , it’s tricky because they may never really understand the situation. If you have done all you can to explain the situation to them ( ex: having sources, websites talking about it, a lot of references) and they STILL dismiss the situation: either turn to professional help ( school usually have accessible references for that kind of thing) or ask your brother if he needs it. ( don’t shove the help either if he doesn’t seek it. Do things at HIS pace and not your own.)

Remind him you understand his struggle and will be there if he comes for help.

Here are 5 quick tips that helped me out with social anxiety:

- 8% of social cues are actually legit. The rest is interpreted by your brain. ( ex: “ oh god they sound annoyed, I am annoying them ahhhh” ) so its important to reduce assumptions.

- Public interactions are almost never really remembered if they don’t stood out of the ordinary. Even if you feel like you screwed up your food order or stuttered at the cashier : They are gonna forget the moment the next client comes in. I assure you.

- What other says in your back doesn’t matter. Dismiss them and be happy with your life. Thats the best attitude to have. They shouldn’t have the power to bring negativity in your life and they know NOTHING about you. Their opinions means nothing. Keep only the positive.

- You may need to recharge from social interactions and thats perfectly fine ~ no one should make you feel bad from feeling the way you do.

- You are allowed to make mistakes. That’s so important to remember. Your worth has a human being isn’t determined by the amount of mistake you makes. People who pretend to never do are liars. As long as something can be learned from them : you keep on growing as an individual ,unlike someone who refuse to admit their wrongs and stagnate socially.

Best of luck to both of you! Keep on rocking! ♡♡

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So I have a friend thats very homophobic and transphobic.. And its just really hard being around him and talking with him. I want to speak up but its hard.. If I did I would have to come out and Im not ready for that yet. I just dont really know how to go about it at all..

If said "friend" makes you feel unsafe,insecure and overall has very shitty ideologies: nothing is forcing you to keep them around. ( I would suggest talking about how their "comments" are hurtful and ignorant but if you really don't want to come out , I can understand bringing the subject usually arise questions.) If they start asking questions about why you distanced yourself from them: You don't have to be precise and just tell them stuff they said are very problematic and you don't want that negativity. You can find much better friends who will accept you as you are. ( if you feel ready to come out: a lot of transphobic and homophobic comments arise from ignorance so teaching them about the subject usually help out a lot if they are willing to listen.)

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Hello! I wanted to ask of something, if it's not too much trouble. I've always supported those close to me on their goals and dreams, giving them advice and such. I'll be honest, I didn't really know what I was doing but I was glad to be of some help to them ya know? I thought they would also support me, but I was left alone and they were never there. I gave up on my own dreams and I wanted to ask if it's selfish to feel angry at them? It's been eating at me for years. Thank you!

Don't be a " candle person", as I like to call it. ( burning away to offer others light) Because people will disapoint you if you expect them to return the favor... and its not always out of selfishness or anything negative on their part. A lot of times: people have their own priorities who needs a lot of their attention or they are giving their energy trying to help other peoples as well. Which is why its much better to rationalize the help offered. To give when the negative effect is minimal for you but the positive effect is maximal for them. Its normal to feel hurt and angry, but helping yourself too is very important. You are worthy of attention and to have your own goalsand dreams. ( it is NOT selfish to pursue them.) Don't give it up ♡ Ps: you can always discuss your feelings with the peole involved in a polite and calm manners. Most people don't even realize your feelings may be hurt ~

[help-and-stuff]

hello! are we able to send fanmail if our ask is too long, or should we just send the ask in parts?

We can combine the ask in one single part when needed , so both options are there ~

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Hm... How should I explain to a friend I don't want to live with her post graduation? We barely made plans, but another friend has offered and been excited about me loving with them so... How should I go about that..?

Just like that, Anon-san! And I don’t mean to be overly simple with it, but genuinely with situations like that it is really best just to be direct. So long as you aren’t going to be leaving your friend in the lurch financially (I’m not sure where you are located, but if there is a lease with a particular time frame, it might be best to negotiate with that), there’s nothing wrong with wanting a change. 

I would just highly suggest giving them as much notice as possible, so they can make their own decisions as to whether or not they will stay in the current location, move on themselves, etc.

And as much as I would like to hope that your friend will be reasonable, I am going to also recommend that you be ready in case they take it hard. Make sure that you give them whatever space they need to cope with the change, and remember: you can’t control how other people react. All you can control is how you handle the situation. Be kind but be firm. Let them know that you all are still friends and that you value your relationship with them.

Good luck, Anon-san!

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Hello! Do you have any good tips for comfortably wearing a binder? I got mine about two months ago, but the lower half of my rib cage is oddly shaped so wearing it for more than three hours is really painful :'( should I talk to my doctor? Thank you, I hope you both have a wonderful day! <3

http://www.underworks.com/gynecomastia-shirtsThis website makes a type of binder that is custom made and for males with gynecomastia , so it may be more appropriate and comfortable HOWEVER, I would consult with your doctor first , just to have a check up because chest pains can be signs of something else. ( If you are on T) Important point: if you need a big compression ( a D cup size will have much more compression than an A.) You won't be able to wear a binder for long periods of time. Its for your own safety. A mastectomy will have to be considered if you want to have the surgery.I wish you well!- Joshua

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hello again! i sent an ask a while ago about dealing with chronic illness and have just had an update on the mystery illness. i got some extensive blood work done by a new doctor and it turns out that my adrenals and immune system are barely functioning. if i don't respond to treatment i'll have to get immunoglobulin transfusions which are crazy $$ yikes. i have to wear a face mask while i'm out now and people stare. idk how to not be embarrassed about wearing one, especially with my friends😷😕

I also had to wear a facemask at one point because of a chemotherapic treatment, which resulted in stares and aweful jokes, but the best mindset to have is to remind yourself the mask is there for your own well being and other people do not know your situation. Even if you feel like you are being stared at: Those people have no direct effect on your life and will forget about it comes tomorrow. ( 8% of social cues you think you see are actually legit. The rest is assumed by your brain.) If you get questions : be truthful, most people will then promptly apologies. Be confident, be proud that you are a warrior fighting something like this and having the courage and tolerance of 100 peeps.I wish you the very best concerning your chronic illness and I sincerely hope everything will be as manageable as possible. You are strong and awesome, keep on rocking ~ - Joshua, a fellow chronic illness affected dude

[help-and-stuff]

There's a lot of gender fluid negativity and I'm starting to doubt that I am gender fluid. Is there anything that can help me get over this? Like, there's a lot of people saying it's just something people say to "be trans but not really" you know? I don't know... thanks.

Your own gender identity is something that concerns yourself and yourself only. It has zero impact on people around you aside for the pronouns used.

Be patient and try to explain to them as best you can but if others decide to stay close minded: its their fault and not yours. Stand your ground and live the life you want to. You only have one.

Also taking a break from Tumblr does wonders sometimes. The endless discourse isn't representative of real life. There are people who love and accept you just as you are.

And as a trans dude: keep on rocking. Your existence is just as valid as mine!

- Joshua

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Any good spiders for beginner?

The Red knee Tarentula!

- Joshua

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I wish all of you good luck and may you all find happiness. I am done now. There's nothing I could do. I don't know if I will make it tonight. The demons are calling me. Goodnight everyone. Goodbye.

Anonymous, if you’re feeling suicidal, please. Don’t go through with that. Is there someone you can call? A friend or a peer? Talk to someone. Please.

If there isn’t someone you can talk to who you know personally, there are other options:

If you’re feeling suicidal right now and live in the U.S., please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or IMAlive at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433). These toll-free crisis hotlines offer 24-hour suicide prevention and support. Your call is free and confidential.

If you’re feeling suicidal and live outside the U.S., visit IASP or Suicide.org to find a helpline in your country. (Source)

You are not alone. A lot of people have been where you are, and have come back from it. I know it seems hopeless, and I know it seems like there’s no way that you can face whatever you are dealing with, but these feelings are temporary. Suicide is not.

You are valuable. Your existence means something to someone. You may not even know who that person is, but they know you. They think of you. That person and many others will suffer from your loss.

There are so many things worth experiencing. You have a life ahead of you. Don’t give up on it.  

If you need to message someone -- ping me on Tumblr @paperficwriter or on Skype by the same name. Let’s talk.

- Paper

[help-and-stuff]

no hate but why do yall call anons anon-san 😂 just wondering otherwise good job keeep it up

I think I am largely the guilty party here! It’s a carryover from my own @paperficwriter account. In Japanese, adding -san to a name denotes a polite address of strangers or people you have just met (commonly translated as ‘Mr.’ or ‘Ms.’). It just sounds better than saying ‘Anonymous,’ and I like a conversational tone in my responses. Ergo, ‘Anon-san.’

And thank you for the well-wishes!

- Paper

[help-and-stuff]

Hey, this may not be something you're supposed to drop in the "questions" inbox, but nonetheless, it's something that should be said more often! You do an AMAZING job with this blog and your regular ones! Which goes for both of you equally. There's no way to negatively think yourself out of this, because you are BOTH incredibly kind, insightful and talented. Good luck with the blog, and know you're doing a great work with it!

Oh my gosh, Anon-san, thank you so much for this! Always feel free to leave comments in the askbox, ESPECIALLY when they are so kind and sweet.

I know that for me, sometimes it’s hard to get an impartial, third party perspective on something that’s causing stress and anxiety. My goal has always been to offer a space for people to come and talk about their problems without judgement while getting honest, thoughtful advice. Sure, there are plenty of situations that are outside my realm of experience, but I really hope that people walk away with at least some food for thought, even if it’s just…snack-sized.

And really, it just feels good being able to be there for people. (Albeit slowly but surely – for that, I apologize. Cin and I both have full time jobs and side projects, but we are making our way through the inbox! Hang in there, folks!)

So, thank you again! It means a lot to hear that it is appreciated <3

- Paper

As Paper so eloquently said, If people can visit the blog and then feel like a little weight was removed from their shoulders: we’ll be very happy ! 

Always happy to be of services and offer solace for many who are possibly alone outside of the web. 

Never hesitate to send an ask , we’ll always be happy to help out if it’s in the realm of the possible.

Thank you so so so very much for such a kind ask! 

- Joshua