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Asshole at Starbucks Working on Something Other Than Screenplay

Non-screenwriter Justin Kent has reportedly been quietly getting work done on his laptop at the Riverside Starbucks, upsetting locals who are trying to get attention for writing their screenplay. Area man Justin Kent has reportedly had quite the production afternoon, working on his laptop at the Riverside Starbucks. His obvious productivity, and the fact that he has yet to start pretending to…

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Netflix Giving Special to Comedian Who Mass-Invites the Most People on Facebook

Netflix is looking to give an hour long special to the comedian who has invited the most people to their shows on Facebook. “Honestly, I deserve this so much. I’ve been working on this lifelong goal of being a great stand up comedian for three months and this is totally my time,” said Michael Schirtzer, Moleskine notebook in one hand, iPhone 4 open to a Facebook event in the other. He hopes to…

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Baseball Gives Locals Excuse to Get Blackout Drunk in the Afternoon

With April’s return of the gentlemen of the diamond, the south-land is finally able to let their alcoholism see the light of day, so long as it’s accompanied by a Rawlings mitt or a foam finger. With public intoxication still outlawed in this country, many Los Angeles citizens spent the winter months going to great lengths to meet their midday inebriation needs including vodka filled water…

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USC Alumni License Plate Frame Embarrassed to be on 2007 Hyundai

A once proud USC Alumni License Plate Frame was humiliated when it was mounted on the rear bumper of a used 2007 Hyundai Elantra. “I thought it was some kind of ironic joke, like putting gold cufflinks on flannel shirt.,” said Troy, USC license plate frame who hopes to remain anonymous. “Maybe they’d drive me down to the Wilshire Country Club and everybody would have a good chuckle about it.”…

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Nervous Breakdown Scheduled Between Audition, Pilates

Describing the timing as “optimal,” actress Taylor Chappelle scheduled a long-simmering nervous breakdown to finally occur next Tuesday, right after an audition and right before her weekly Pilates class. “Like most people trying to come up in the entertainment industry, I say ‘yes’ to everything,” said Chappelle, who fears she isn’t getting younger and is probably a big disappointment to her…

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Duplass Brothers Assault Film Students for Not Making Enough Films

Mark and Jay Duplass were arrested on the Occidental College campus after physically assaulting a class of film majors for not making enough indie movies in their free time. Twenty students were wounded and nine were hospitalized during the Hollywood power-siblings’ violent frenzy. The writer-producer-director-actor brothers were first spotted near the Occidental film department aggressively…

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3rd and Fairfax Whole Foods Wins Bid to Host 2024 Olympics

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND – On Monday, after months of deliberation, IOC president Thomas Bach revealed the 2024 Summer Games will officially be hosted at the Whole Foods on 3rd and Fairfax. “We believe that this particular branch of Whole Foods truly encapsulates the world community and spirit of sportsmanship that define the games. Plus they have a new smoothie station!” The final bid was close…

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FoodMaps: 6 Great 24-Hour Diners for Post-Party Pancakes to Warm Your Cold, Sad Heart

So you’ve been out all night drinking with friends and hoping to meet someone special, but it wasn’t happening – nothing new there. There was a bit of excitement, though, when you really hit it off with that cool producer/director who is a friend of a friend and you pitched her your pilot and she seemed genuinely interested; but somehow, stupidly, you didn’t follow through…now you’re somewhere…

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Power-Mad Arclight Employee Waiting For Complete Silence Before He’ll Start Film A matinee screening of Warner Bros’ “Batman V. Superman” became a nightmare today, when a theater employee demanded that the audience be completely silent before he’d start the film.

Malibu Sommelier Says Malibu Wines Has The Best Malibu Wine in Malibu

Malibu Wines has been named Best Malibu Wine in Malibu by the Malibu Wines Sommelier, announced in the March 2016 issue of Malibu: Wines magazine. Chuck Rostemyer, the sommelier who has consistently worked for the winery for sixteen years, acknowledges that it was a close race for the number one spot, but the Malibu-Canyon-based winery eventually beat out all other zero wineries competing for the…

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Longtime Silver Lake Coffee Shop Gives Up And Moves Back Home To Indiana

Well, this is a bummer. After 9 years of brewing fresh coffee and tea for Silver Lake residents, local coffee shop, Bean Machine, has finally decided to give up and move back home to Indiana. Though well-known among the rest of the coffee shop community, Bean Machine never seemed to be able to reach far outside of its own neighborhood the way that larger coffee shops like Intelligentsia, or even…

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Echo Park Man Sells Captured LA Rain Water As Rare Keepsake

A Southern California storm came and went but not before Walter Dunn, an entrepreneur and resident of Echo Park, charged $145 dollars per jar of the rarest substance LA has ever seen– rain from the sky. “I feel that rain is a mystifying mistress. She is comforting when she is there but leaves without warning. And you’re never sure when she’ll be back,” said Dunn while dusting off his older jars…

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These Assholes Don't Know How To Drive In The Rain, Claim City's Asshole Drivers

These Assholes Don’t Know How To Drive In The Rain, Claim City’s Asshole Drivers

During a stretch of moderate afternoon rain earlier this week, Los Angeles’ population of ignorant asshole drivers loudly commented that none of the assholes in this city know how to drive. “It’s unbe-goddamn-lievable,” said Culver City jag-off Charlie Sambach while maneuvering his Toyota Camry to within six inches of the car in front of him. “It’s just a little drizzle, you prick. Go!” According…

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Waze Adds “I Am Not an Insane Person and I Value My Life” Feature

Popular geo-positioning app Waze introduced the “I Am Not an Insane Person and I Value My Life” feature on Friday, broadening its user base to include people who are fine with their trip taking a minute longer if it means not risking death in a fiery car crash. In a prepared statement, a spokeswoman for Waze revealed the reconfigured app will consider the idea that “sometimes people just want to…

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Older Employee Halts Company Sexual Harassment Seminar With Uncomfortable Questions

During his company’s annual sexual harassment seminar, Zachary Miller, 56, asked a series of inappropriate and potentially incriminating questions, while his co workers uncomfortably watched him dig himself into a deeper, and deeper hole. “I just wanna know what I can say, what I can’t say, and what’s just plain funny, ya know?” Miller said while obviously turning his head to look at a female…

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Student Discovers Midwest Friends Only Staying In Touch To Sleep On Couch Over Spring Break

UC Santa Barbara student Mary Carson was devastated this past weekend after discovering that her relationship with two high school friends was a ploy to gain access to her beach side apartment and university meal plan. “I sensed something was up when they only asked me questions about April’s average temperatures and expected rainfall,” Mary explained. “But I convinced myself they were just…

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