Diary

Online diary, trigger alert Happy things do happen upon here and then but it’s more often a toxic dump of negativity. Proceed with care unless you want to grow a second head of negativity as if one isn’t enough

[weirdcultstuff]

To myself, raised in an environment that glorified and romanticized restriction and suffering:

There is no victory in skipping dinner, or lunch, or breakfast, or morning coffee, or dessert.

There is no victory in refusing heaters and air conditioners and fans and heated blankets.

There is no victory in denying yourself sleep, or showers, or movement, or water, or a comfortable bed, or taking the elevator vs. the stairs.

There is no victory in refusing pain meds and heating pads and ice packs and medical help.

There is no victory in punishing yourself needlessly, in telling yourself that this pain you feel is because you are bad to the core and deserve it.

There is no victory in choking back your laughter and your tears, to keep an imagined equilibrium of safety that is really just a dry, cracked, empty, endless emotional desert.

You are here. You are in this body, and this body is yours. You deserve good things. You are alive, and that is messy and loud, and messy and loud are okay.

It’s okay to live abundantly. It’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to indulge. This paralysis of self-punishment, self-restriction, self-loathing is not healthy or good for you.

[petrichara]

Sometimes I want to go back and hug my younger self, and then I remember I’m still her and I’m still deserving of that love

[wvterways]

tbh I’m learning that healing is a lot of reminding yourself that your first thought isn’t your only thought. and It’s also just a thought. It’s not definitive. the way I’m perceiving an interaction is not the way It’s meant to come across unless It’s communicated that it is. i think we get so used to being in our own head that we begin to forget there’s a world outside of it. I’m constantly having to repeat, “their friendships outside of ours doesn’t affect our relationship” and It’s so difficult cos my brain wants to victimise itself and try and blame the other person for being a difficult communicator when in fact they’re the best communicator I’ve met in a long long time. i also have to remind myself that I’m not confined to a space. if i feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed i can leave. i can make that decision. as long as i communicate where I’ll be in case the person i wanted to be with wants to come, i have the freedom to roam. even if i don’t wanna communicate my whereabouts, It’s always handy to communicate the way you wanna be communicated to. idk if that makes sense but like being aware of what you like and then using that to better your communication. for example i love reassurance and clear communication so i often reassure people and communicate where I’ll be if they need me, but also if I’d prefer some alone time for awhile. It’s helping a lot. constantly learning but I’m grateful for the people in my life enabling me to learn

[dniudsnf]

a little survey: reblog if you just need a hug right now

[himitsu-no-nikki]

don’t let down the expectations that has been placed on you.

this is a warning

[himitsu-no-nikki]

I live in constant guilt yet I cannot stop procrastinating

I am witnessing an avalanche that I could have avoided but all I’m doing now is standing with my arms crossed

Basic English is escaping me

I no longer know what to say

[himitsu-no-nikki]

Got into the bad habit of knotting up strands of hair again why

[himitsu-no-nikki]

I dare not check the status of our texts

For I knew that we have strayed too far in terms of ability

You joke about taking the exams next year

When I contemplate the actual possibility

[himitsu-no-nikki]

Stop directing your anger at someone else

[falseknees]

Forgot to post this a couple weeks ago!

[himitsu-no-nikki]

Friend shared the grades she received and I’m truly happy for her

It reminds me of my own incompetence though

[himitsu-no-nikki]

Please.

[himitsu-no-nikki]

self loath

[himitsu-no-nikki]

Focus

[himitsu-no-nikki]

Is it weird to want hugs? From anyone— ofc it’s better from a friend but I’m thirsting for human touch here for some reason

[himitsu-no-nikki]

I can taste blood on my lips. I either accidentally ripped the skin off or it’s too dry. I don’t know anymore. I just wish I could function properly and do my work

[himitsu-no-nikki]

Good old self hatred