I want to be disappointed in the order that Lucas intended, dammit!
John was a man with a great sense of justice despite his predilections for trickery and hustling, after all if someone was stupid enough to fall for the oldest tricks in the book and a three card monte that was their fault, right? However, what John had just seen was a travesty a grievous miscarriage of justice and one that he had to correct. He had to be batman here, not the terrible movie batmen but the batman from the ancient animated series where he was dry and sarcastic and the joker was voiced by a Jedi master. John was many things and normally a man of violence was not one of them but today he needed to pick up a skinny hipster and break him over his knee like the most professional of the wrestlers, probably the undertaker. You are reasonably sure the undertaker would do that. The undertaker would take the skinny jeans wearing ‘i hate fencing so i joined the club for it because i was good at it’ bastard and break him over his knee.
John had arrived at the school a few days a go regretfully missing Jade’s graduation due to a mix up on the shuttle, perhaps he shouldn’t have offered that old lady some ‘peanut brittle’, but how was he to know that the snakes bursting from the can would give her a heart attack! That had delayed him by at least a month while they sorted out exactly who had been at fault. They ended up determining that he really had no way of knowing that she had a weak heart and that pranks weren’t manslaughter citing something called the ‘Sassacre law’. He knew of the man from the ancient tome left to his family by the great southern prankster and black sheep of the Crocker family but it was always interesting to see the mark he left on history. He still needed to apologize to Jade about that, and hope she was in a forgiving mood, for now though he needed to break a Strider and his shitty taste in everything.
One of John’s major regrets was not arriving sooner so he could stop Dave from obtaining the one head spot of the leadership club in what would have clearly been some amazingly choreographed sword battle over Mt. Doom shot in New Zealand in where someone with taste was tempted by the power of shitty action movies and ironic love for the works of Michael Bay and the star wars prequels. This image was why he burst through several doors, pushing them open as if he were a kool aid man or some large rugby player who became a butler after murdering someone. “Put that remote down!” John exclaimed dramatically to … a room empty of anyone but Dave, well this would work too. “Dave, what the hell is even with this order!? The phantom menace, attack of the clones, revenge of the sith first? Are you trying to make people hate star wars?” It was a pity he wasn’t wearing one of his many star wars shirts, he had this great one that was wookie fur print. “We need to be disappointed in the order Lucas intended, damnit!” John was almost as mad as that one short guy he had sharked at Yugioh, then at magic, then at every other card game they had. He had proclaimed himself king of games. He would have gotten a crown or something or stolen one but Meenah had been there and hustling on her turf was forbidden on pain of extreme injury.