A Long Delayed Inevitable Perma-Hiatus
Hey, lovelies.
It’s, well, uh. Fair to say that I will likely not be back here writing in the upcoming future. That much seems like it has been evident based on how long it’s been since I have written on here.
I’ll be honest-- life has gotten in the way. Work, family. It happens. I mean, I have a nephew now, who is four, nearly five and he is non-verbal and has severe delays. It’s fair to say he has added so much delight and responsibility in my life. He’s a great kid! Love him so much.
My oldest sibling came out as trans and has begun transitioning. I now have a big sister who doesn’t know how to be a big sister, so I have to be a big sister as the young sister? This is already following me realizing myself I like to identity somewhat with non-binary. Demi-woman, but frankly, I don’t want to care enough to stress myself out with labels. I’m letting myself be me. That’s enough. There’s not a good word for it. “Queer” seems to handle it just fine and I like it.
I went back to school again, but this time with vigor. I’m actually graduating in maybe 3 months now? I’m looking into certifications and job opportunities with local school districts. I’m networking. I’m working on my health. I’m eating better and losing weight I put on during the lockdown from stress. My bones are feeling better.
All this to say... I miss the fun I had here. I think something in my brain fogged up so much that creative writing had felt like a challenge to resummon in me again. I’m writing fanfic again, but slowly. After having Covid and dealing with lockdown, I feel like I’ve had a fog of trauma that has just not lifted and now things are ‘back to normal’, I just simply have yet to fully chip at. But I know I’m hardly alone in that-- it’s exceedingly common, and not helped when you knowingly have mental struggles and health problems.
I’m not saying I’m all fucked up beyond recognition, but it’s important to recognize your pitfalls of anxieties and all that follows and try to work on all that slowly to improve yourself. I’ve been putting in that work, and some of it is recognizing I’m not ‘failing’ or ‘losing myself’ if I’ve discovered I can’t do a hobby I used to live and die for as an adult that I loved as a teenager and young adult. That’s being reasonable and being kind to myself in knowing my limitations and accepting it’s okay to change my mind on things and discover who I am and what I like and what is achievable and realistic. Allowing myself to change because change will happen.
I’m coming to terms with how I operate, and how my brain is wired and what I can do with my time and what things I love to do with that time that make me so happy.
I will never get rid of this blog. Ever. It’s so precious to me. I’ve never stopped thinking about Jen or any other muse I’ve written. They live on so well in my day dreams. I love them all so much and they’ve shaped me. Literally, writing Jen gave me confidence and let me explore myself.
It’s not a goodbye forever. I still treasure everything here. Maybe one day I’ll come back, but I’ve got the attention span of a gnat anymore and I’m trying to work on that. (If there ever is a chance to write Jen officially, you can bet I’d hop on it immediately, dear god. Let me at her, I’ll do her so much justice, Please.)
If you miss my thoughts, my funny shit, me in general, You can find me here (x) too on my personal. I’ve been on it a lot more recently, and I share fun posts and my current hyperfixations.
I’ve grown a lot, and yet have gone backwards to find the things that bring me so much cringe-but-free joy. I feel lighter. I feel like I’m still sorting things out, but I feel like I can put away the metaphorical crutches and walk for myself finally.
Don’t feel bad. It was never you. It was always me.
Love you all, lovelies.
Yours,
Sam
P.S. Stay lovely.
