I told Umi, i don't wanna celebrate Raya this year, not with them cousins and relatives. I don't wanna see or meet them. Can I just be sick on that day, so I can stay at home or locked in my room.
i have this identity crisis, and I can't accept myself. A failure.
So I started to withdraw myself from the society. it has been almost a year. After a while, I joined Tasya volunteering, as a last minute replacement, merely doing her a favour. I don't know how to introduce myself to others, what am I? who am I really? I almost have this internal breakdown, a loooong pause, to a point that she needed to cover it for me.
To me, such questions really would sink me to the deepest sea. I feel uneasy, I hate it, please stop it and just pretend that I am invisible.
So I pursue my masters, it was just to shut their mouths. Genuine interest started to develop later when I begin to know more about it. My plan was to just mind my own business in the classes and care less about others, I don't need new friends. I did that in the first class, until later that I know I needed to leverage on others on certain things. and being alone just make me seem like a snob, or so I thought. But I still enjoy sitting alone far apart from others, having my own space. Less suffocated.
I still have this withdrawal syndrome. I hate attending to events even if it just in my neighbourhood. This weekend is a friend’s wedding, and another friends came a long way for a small reunion. I really wanna see you Wani and Erna, but just you two, not others, not seniors, not postgrads, not akaks and abangs. I am really sorry to pull out from the plan. I hope I can tell you this, but it won't be easy.
So yes, I still struggle.
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