FROM MY MINDāS āIā
MIND, BODY, SOUL U.S. TOUR 2016
25 JUNE 2016
SELF DISCOVERY SUCKS!
WRITTEN BY ME, MYSELF, AND EYE
Self-discovery is bullshit. It sucks.
I almost quit. Actually, I did quit. On Monday. For about two hours. I even posted it on Facebook which REALLY made it official. Iāve quasi-quit a few times before but this was the first time I actually said, āIām done!ā
I had had enough. From a business perspective and a personal perspective, I was done. For those two hours, there were no more resources and there was definitely no more patience. But leave it to your biggest supporters to give you a just enough assistance and to shred every excuse to stop. LOL I guess, āIām tired and frustratedā were not good enough reasons to quit.
Finding yourselfāgoing through your own bullshit and dramaāreally kinda sucks. Itās not like the moviesānot that that was the expectation. It isnāt full of beautiful slow-mo, epic moments. Thereās no really cool background music forewarning you of significant events. Itās a slow, tedious process of which you canāt gauge progress.
Itās not like a diet where you can hop on a scale to see how much further you have to go. You canāt get on some self-awareness scale and say, āOh look! I have a few more āFailuresā to get rid of, eight more āwhoa-is-meā moments to absolve, and 58 more āWTF were you thinkingāās to figure out!ā Itās full of gut-wrenching memories, self-doubt, worthlessness and pure mental torture.
But when it sucks the most, you just know, THATāS EXACTLY WHY YOU ARE DOING THIS! To be in the sucky, lonely, gut-wrenching moments and to mentally work my way through it all. To figure shit out, to problem-solve the challenges that come my way, and more importantly, to let go of my old ārulersā of success and expectations.
I think we collect these rulers or mental measurements of expectations and success. Society has contributed a ruler, the Air Force has one in there, and my motherā¦ Well, she felt a couple of yard sticks were necessary. (Iām still working through my mommy-issues! But let there be no doubt that I love that woman!)
I mention this because thus far, part of my sorting-through-my-shit process has to been to look at my expectations and fears, and to re-evaluate how I measure success. Itās no longer tied to rank, educational degrees, the size of my home, or what car I drive.
Although itās easy to say what they (expectations) are not; it is not as easy to say what they are or have become. And it is easy for old expectations to sneak up on you and start weighing you down. Before you know it, you are comparing every decision, every choice against those old damn ruler. When the old and the new collide, mini-meltdowns happen. Like Monday. When I quit for two hours.
At this point, I have been on the road 779 days, traveled 8,257+ miles, spent approximately 457 hours in the car, made 59 stops, stayed at 18 KOAās and 10 hotels, been hosted by eight different family/friends, and interviewed 11 different retreats and recreational therapy non-profits.
Today is Friday (or is it Saturday?) and Iām glad I didnāt quit. And I wouldnāt trade all my gut-wrenching memories, self-doubt, worthlessness and pure mental torture for anything else right now.
I havenāt mentioned much about my findings and perceptions regarding these retreats ā itās a beautiful tragedy. But thatās for next time around.
Next blog: Itās a beautiful tragedy
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