CW: nothing really, mostly character and plot building.
A/N: It took me me a bit but here is part 2!
You were trying to wallow in your misery alone, also starting to think of a night trip to the gardens, when a knock sounded at your door. You hadn’t even heard the footsteps coming up to the door, and the knock was so soft you barely heard it through your thoughts..
“My lady?” a feminine voice in an essos accent sang out.
“Come in” You sat up in the bed and watched as your handmaiden carried in a tray full of covered plates. Carefully, she balanced it on a small table near the door. “I’m terribly sorry” You paused when she whipped her head up at you so hard you were sure it hurt a bit. “Ive forgotten your name, and you still bring me dinner when I have not asked” She looked confused for a second before answering,
“It is Mari, my lady” she looked nervous for a second, eyes darting around the room. “I didn’t see you at dinner, or at tea, so I assumed you must be hungry.”
“Thank you, Mari.” You paused, thinking, and let the awkward silence take over the room. As soon as you started to speak, so did she.
“Do-”
“Are-”
“Im sorry my lady, you go.” She looked down at her feet, a small blush taking over her cheeks.
“Well. Are you coming with us to the North?” You said without thinking, just waiting for her to respond. She nodded and so did you “Okay. Pack your things then, we leave tomorrow morning.” She simply ducked her head and walked out of the room quickly.
Most of the following morning consisted of you trying to convince your father to make a stop in Highgarden. It contained the only Godswood within the area, and it was directly on the path north. Your mother demanded to stay behind to help Dickon run the keep, and so did your older sister so you couldn’t ask any of them to help you. Your father had spent most of the morning berating you for going against your family by worshipping the old gods. You reminded him that Garth Gardener, King of the Reach, built the first sept of Highgarden while praying at the godswood. He told you to go help the stable hands with the horse shit.
For most of the journey North you wore riding leathers and travelled on horseback, Mari sat side-saddle behind you. When it rained, you offered her your spot in the carriage despite her insistence she was fine. You settled for giving her your riding cloak. Your father, Sam and your younger sister Daria rode in the family carriage. Sam brought a very small bag for the trip, it must have only held one change of clothes at most. He was dressed in warm, thick coats for the entirety of the journey. Daria wore the light, fine clothes of the south as far north as she could stand, having to switch to cloaks and wool dresses as we passed Moat Cailin. Her bags consisted of most of her wardrobe, plus a few extra things here and there. It filled up the majority of the storage compartment of the carriage. Your father brought one trunk and the familial sword, Heartsbane. The bejewelled hilt glittered at you through the window of the carriage like a mirage. You only brought what you could carry on your horse.
The views from horseback were infinitely better than whatever minimal comfort the carriage brought. The wide, sweeping mountains couldn’t possibly be more beautiful from the inside of a stuffy box on wheels. When the group had come to the gates of Wintertown, your excitement was quickly dampened by your father pushing Sam out of the family carriage. He called for his squire to give him his horse and told him to ride straight for the wall. Said to give the horse to the watch as a bribe so they would ‘actually take him in’. And here you thought the watch was currently short on men. He was set to send Sam off with no food, no water, and no protection on the Kingsroad. Before he could take off you caught up to him and slipped him your riding flask and a loaf of bread you kept in one of your saddle bags. You held a finger to your lips for only Sam to see and loudly proclaimed for the rest of your family to hear,
“Well Samwell, dear brother, perhaps it is for the best.” Perhaps is a word nobody would use in this family except your mother, and you hoped Sam had caught the meaning behind it. You didn’t want him to go, but are powerless at the moment. And with a wink from you, he set off for the next fork in the road labelled ‘The Wall’. You quickly dismounted your horse after your father sent a withering glare towards you. Mari started to follow your lead, but you convinced her to look after your horse. It would probably be better for her to not witness this part of “western systems” anyway.
A/N: and that is part 2, I may or may not have part 3 written already BUT I will not post it until part 5 of the tower is done and posted too lol. thx for readingg
Cw: father yelling, dread, you are a noble southern lady so descriptions of reader will be pale skin/blonde hair sry in advance.
A/N: I got 1 person who said they would read it so here we go. (I already had half of it written) You are one of samwell's sisters and this is literally just character building. It'll start slow, but it should get juicyyy😏
Horn hill was a fairly busy place. Soldiers trained in almost every space possible and maids rushed along the edges of the halls at almost all hours. The farmers market in the town just below the Keep was always bustling with fresh fruits and vegetables. The gardens were always spotted with Septas reading books, or ladies of the Keep having tea. As a child you were rushed from class to class constantly. First was harpsichord, and then literature lessons (disguised as hymns to your father), and then stitchwork with your Septa. All before lunch. And then you were ‘free’ to do what you please in town as long as you had 2 guards by your side and 3 eyes watching you from a distance. Because your sister was younger, she had to have at least 5 guards to go with her anywhere, if our father didn't demand to go with her personally. You always supposed it was to give the guards something to do most of the days. So you mostly kept to the grounds of the keep, not wishing to be followed all day. Often you would run into your brother Dickon training with another high ranking knight of the keep, and cheer for his opponent. Afterwards you would usually join Samwell in his music and poetry lessons. You were often the only other person there, as he was now better than any teacher in the keep and they refused to teach him farther. On the best days you two spent the whole afternoon in the instrument room, only to go down and hum songs to each other during dinner. On the days you didn’t meet with him, usually mid-week, you had archery lessons with a knight who hoped to court you in the future. He never said it directly, but only a man in love would go against the word of his liege lord. Maybe in the future you might grow to want him too, for now though you are aiming to beat him in a shooting contest. As your arrow left the string, you looked back at him, smiling smugly. He looked back at you with a matching smile, but full of adoration. The arrow thunked into the target behind you, and you watched his smile drop.
“You split my arrow!” he whined at you, while sporting a playful glint behind his eyes.
One day, right before your shooting lesson, and right after lunch had ended your father's squire approached you and summoned you to your father's study. Your mother's eyes burned into you from across the room. With a sigh you nodded and started to leave the hall, not meeting her gaze. You followed the boy up the tower that housed both the Lord and Lady's chambers and their separate studies. When you entered the room, your father was sitting at his desk holding a piece of parchment. The opened envelope directly next to him held the unmistakable sigil of a proud direwolf.
“As you are aware” He started, throwing the letter down onto his desk, in your direction “You are a woman now. And even though Talla already has a prospect we need to find you one too.” he states as if he hadn't been trying to match you with distant cousins since you were one and four. You just politely nodded and picked up the letter so he would continue his speech, “The Starks have sent out word for a prospect for their eldest son, Robb. Good man. Strong.” he delves into his thoughts for a moment, making you have to fight to not roll your eyes. “I have known Ned Stark for many years, fought with him once. I will send a response.”
“You would ship me to the North?” You questioned, raising your brow at him.
“No, we will accompany you. And if the boy happens to like you, or Daria-” your father started to explain, before you cut him off,
“She is way too young for you to be thinking about marrying her off!” You shook at the thought of poor Daria, just one and one, alone in a strange, cold, distant town marrying a man almost 10 years her elder.
“With those manners all you are gonna get is the snow bastard, shut your mouth girl!” your father yelled at you, always quick with his temper. You chose to bite back the comments that you wanted to say and stuck with some light apologies. “I'll never know where you get that from,” He quickly tired and sent you out of the room with a reminder to pack your bags. You took a second to process what was being demanded of you, then ran to your knight. You apologized for being late, and blamed it on the ‘duties of a lady’, which made you sick to your stomach. If he noticed your lie, he didn't say anything about it. About 5 minutes into shooting at a target, you asked if he would take a walk with you through the gardens. He denied, saying he had ‘knightly duties’ to take care of. You didn't miss the reference to your earlier excuse. With a polite curtsy you made your way to the gardens alone. The flowers here were always blooming in a multitude of colours and sizes. A sweet, small stem covered in tiny pink blooms caught your attention due to a vine wrapping around the stem. While you were trying to pry the vine from the plant you spotted 2 ladies of the court having tea. Lady Waxhill and Lady Torn. They are the wives of men that serve on your father's council. You can't remember which ones though. They probably were given the same speech you had just gotten but years prior. Shipped to a town where you knew no one but your husband, if you were lucky. They probably didn't even know their husbands at first. A pit of dread started to form in your stomach. You abandoned weeding the plant and went straight to your room for the night.
A/N: thank you for reading! This will be reformatted once or twice bc this was done on my phone lol. Parts will be small but there will be many (hopefully)!
Cw: fighting, blood and bruises, screaming through text, the boys fighting for their lives (you)
A/N: Formatted on my phone bc I set my own deadlines then forget them. Barely proofread, enjoy!
Remus was surprised when he walked into the dorm to James just getting out of the shower and Sirius standing in front of the bathroom mirror. He was on step 5 of his hair routine at 9:30 on a Saturday morning. Deciding to not make any smart comments, he laid a kiss on both boy’s foreheads and took a very quick shower. Sirius tried to ask him a question but it bled into the sounds of the shower starting. By the time he got out Sirius was finishing up his hair and James had rushed through getting dressed so fast that his shirt was buttoned wrong.
“Where were you all night?” Sirius asks with a wilt in his voice as soon as Remus steps into the room.
“It seems you already know” he responded calmly. “It was best if I went to her first,” He paused to consider his next words carefully. Sirius fumed quietly at that comment, knowing it was true but not wanting it to be.
“Is she going to talk to us?” James asks cautiously, as if he was afraid of the answer.
“I don’t know, it was me doing most of the talking last night” With that the conversation ended and they put shoes on, ready to face the day ahead.
They walked down the dormitory steps into significantly more commotion than usual. As they walked through the people crowding the room, a lot more eyes than usual landed on them. While the room was loud with chatter, any conversation near them was hushed. Even the paintings on the walls were picking up the whispers and spreading them amongst themselves. With their notoriety they had gotten used to avoiding the stares thrown their way (or relishing in them).
The first thing that greeted them when they entered the great hall was the sight of you being escorted out by a very frazzled Minnie. She had one hand wrapped around your right wrist, which led them to the sight of your very red fist. She only spared the boys an exasperated glare before going back to gently guiding you away. Stutters and half sentences escaped James's mouth, nothing quite making sense besides ‘what?’ Sirius was trying to get you to talk as you passed them, calling out your name in hopes you would at least look at him. Your eyes stayed glued to the floor. Behind you, your fists were clenched so hard they were surprised it hadn’t broken the skin yet. Inside the hall, a group of people were gathered near the end of the Ravenclaw table. Between the legs of the many people they could see a figure on the ground, surrounded by 2 more kneeling next to them. Remus’s stomach sinks, remembering your words from last night. Professors were on the edge, trying to push through to get to whoever was on the ground. When the sea of students parted, they got a glimpse of the girl on the ground. Her flaming red hair was sprawled across the ground and her face was scrunched and covered in dark red.
“Shit” Remus breathed out.
“Lily!” James exclaimed at the same time. His body lurched forward, towards the girl before he was grabbed by the back of his shirt. He looked up into Remus’s eyes, and then back at the girl on the ground. “She is my friend and she is hurt!”
“Our girlfriend needs US.” Remus was stern, and his grip tightened during the end of the sentence. “Let’s follow them” James was dragged for a foot or so before he was able to get on his feet and walk on his own. It wasn’t without a few backwards glances to the mass of people. They ended up outside of Minnie’s office, as they tried to follow them in and got the door slammed in their face. A big placard about an inch from their faces read “Minerva Mcgonagall - Office” James paced the corridor a few times before demanding that nothing was going to happen outside the door, and they should see what happened to Lily.
“You can go. I am waiting here for Dovey” Remus sits down on a bench right next to the door for effect. James hesitates in the middle of the corridor, staring at Remus before looking at Sirius for a third opinion. He was standing awkwardly between the two, basically unmoved from where the door was shut in his face.
“I…” He looked back at the door, a look not unlike a dog waiting for its owner to come back covering his face. “I need to talk to her James”
“What? Lily was covered in blood and neither of you are slightly worried?”James defended, taking a few steps away from them.
“Of course I’m worried, but it’s at most a broken nose.” Remus retorted, rolling his eyes. He didn’t say what he was actually thinking though, which was you may have gotten a few more punches in than that. You wouldn’t even meet his eyes. The way Mcgonagall looked at you was a way he had only ever seen after they set an obscene amount of stinkbugs off in the slytherin dungeons. It might have been even worse. While the silence settled between the three boys, the head of Ravenclaw house came rushing down the corridor and barely spared a glance towards the boys before hurriedly entering the room.
James huffed around for a few more seconds before he stormed off back towards the great hall.
“What in the world were you thinking young lady?” Mcgonagall asked exasperated, looking all over the room except you before continuing “I am enjoying my morning tea when I am pulled out by reports of students fighting” she stops herself before taking a deep breath “And when I get there you are beating the fuck out of Lily Evans? I thought you two were friends?”
“We were ma’am. I’m sorry I lost my temper so violently. I understand any punishment I receive.” Your words were devoid of any emotion, and you only stared straight forward. The most punishment you’ve ever got for violence here was having to sit through endless speeches and some mildly miserable detentions. Mcgonagall continued on a disappointed preamble while you waited for the head of Ravenclaw to arrive. When he did you were subject to another 20 minute lecture about how violence is never accepted at Hogwarts and how your punishment will be severe based on your past blah blah blah. “How is she?” You asked when you could find a gap between his ramblings. He looked taken aback before looking at his hands.
“She is fine…now. She had a broken nose and a few nasty cuts. She’ll have bruises for a small while, but everything is healed.” You just nodded and looked back to Mcgonagall before letting out a huge breath you didn’t know you were holding.
“I…” you looked at your hands, knuckles bruised and bloody. “I know it’s not an excuse but there is a lot to the story.”
“There always is.” McGonagall says with a small smile. She quickly hid it and looked to you to explain further.
“It’s nothing to worry about now, nothing like that is going to happen again. Not with her. I plan to avoid her for the rest of our time here.” You gave her a small smile and glanced over at your head of house. He looked at you doubtfully and seemed to sink deep into thought for a few moments.
“This cannot go unpunished, you know that. You will spend every Saturday night until the end of the semester with Madame Pince, organizing books.” he looked up at you, gauging your reaction. Normally, organizing books would be fun but with Madame Pince every single thing you do is criticized for hours. She’ll probably make you organize a whole section by alphabetical order, then decide you didn’t do it good enough and launch into a lecture on the alphabet for 30 minutes. Disgust takes over your features before you nod and look down, hiding your face slightly from him.
“Yes sir, I understand.” With one last disappointed look he stood up and exited the small office, muttering something about unruliness and standards.
“Do you want to tell me? It is one of my star pupils you beat.” She gently asked again, hoping it was just the other presence in the room making you not want to divulge information. “And it is visit number 4 to my office for physical violence”
“It really is very complicated Professor.” You looked away from her, determined to not get into it. She let out a deep sigh from across you and stood up, still looking at you like a disappointed mother.
“One more incident and I am putting veritaserum in your pumpkin juice. Now, go get some rest.” She led you out of her office and left you in front of two very desperate boys.
“So?” Remus asks, it would have been comedic if you weren’t still determined to be angry at Sirius. His puppy eyes soften the edges a little, but you can’t find it in you to forgive him for anything yet.
“I told you. I told you it would happen, and it was DIVINE fucking timing”
“You cannot seriously be joking right now, I cannot imagine the detentions you have” Remus said, wanting to reach out for you. He decided not to so he doesn’t influence Sirius to do the same.
“Every SSaturday night” You responded with a nod, almost seeming proud of it.
“Damn” Sirius speaks for the first time, gauging your reaction to him. You didn’t seem to be perturbed by his presence, so he decided to test his luck. “I’m sorry darling, it was never our intention to hurt you or-”
“Can we go somewhere more comfortable before we have a difficult conversation?” You said, putting up a shield of annoyance and tiredness, but really you wanted more time to think about what you wanted to say to him. He agreed instantly and started to lead the 3 of you to the Gryffindor common room.
James and Lily sat on the couch in the common room directly across from the fireplace. Lily has a good sized bruise surrounding her nose and a dark black eye. A small scratch decorates her forehead, a light bruise surrounding it. An ice pack lays beside her, long abandoned and melted. Her voice fills the air, annoyed and borderline childish.
“She just fucking beat my ass James! For a prank?” Lily cried out into the emptiness of the common room. “She is fucking crazy!”
“She just got a little…out of control, I'm sorry this happened. I didn’t know she actually could do something like that. Especially to you.” James looks down, half in real guilt for putting both of you in this situation and half in guilt for talking down on you, even if it was slight. He also couldn’t imagine how you would get so mad at Lily, enough to, according to Lily, solidly knock her out for a moment. He looks over her bruises another time, “You didn’t even try to fight back?”
“Who in this castle would try to physically fight your girlfriend, even if she swung first? She swung first on Malfoy and even he just took the beating.” Lily lets out a little laugh, “From what I heard i’m lucky.”
“Well she didn’t let him get up, so he didn’t really have a choice.” James retorted, remembering the day vividly. He had a front row seat to the beating of the century you gave Malfoy. It was in the courtyard during a free period, you and James were just walking through when Lucius Malfoy's nasal draw pricked your ears. James was not paying attention, too busy looking at you, to notice you were eavesdropping on a very rude conversation between snakes. You had just ripped your hand from his and ran at Malfoy, who was a good 5 yards away and completely unprepared. The crunch of his arm breaking as he hit the ground is on the top of James's list of most satisfying sounds. All his little cronies ran away soon after the first blow landed. As soon as you had enough you had just calmly stood up and walked back towards James. He didn't even know it really happened until Malfoy was screaming for his daddy and you were trying to drag him out of the courtyard. Him, panicking inside, led you to Remus’s loving (more knowledgeable) care. He focused back on Lily's confused face.“I don’t know why she punched you Lils, but I have a few guesses. I’m not Remus or anything-”
“I don’t care about why, I know it was about the prank. She couldn’t have stopped at one? Why didn’t she beat Mary and Marlene? They were both involved! They tried to pull her off of me!" She rambled into tens of other questions that James hadn’t even thought of. Merlin, she certainly was much smarter than him. A little flutter appears in his chest, one he recognizes. Before he can fully grasp it, the common room painting swings open and 3 familiar figures step through. Almost immediately Lily stands up and scoffs, looking at you. All you do however, is turn around and try to walk directly away, back down the tower. The same rage from earlier filled your body, a fire building in your lungs, smoke filling your mind. However, two pairs of arms picked you up by the arms and carried you up the stairs to the boy’s dormitory. It would have been deemed dramatic if they didn’t already have to carry you up each time. Lily’s voice carries up the stairs, but you can’t make out what she is saying. Distantly you hear James’s voice, much quieter and almost pleading but you can’t hear what he is saying either.
“How long has he been there with her?” You ask Remus like he was an all knowing being, he just shakes his head. They set you down on the foot of Sirius’s bed, facing the hearth in the center of the room. Sirius paces for a second before turning to you.
“It’s okay love, you are okay. You don’t need to worry about that right now.” he says, trying to calm you down, but he always has a habit of choosing the wrong thing to say.
“I shouldn’t worry about it?” You retort, the smoke clouding your sensibilities. You can hear the bite in your voice, you can hear the words that would hurt him the most come together in the back of your mind. You have to physically bite your tongue to stop yourself from saying anything. Your gaze shifts to the opposite end of the room, which so happens to be James's bed and desk. Remus, as always, can sense you trying to hold yourself together.
“No, no, we just aren’t focusing on that right now, Dovey. That was a shock to all of us, let's talk through the other issue first, I have no doubt James will be up soon and we can talk about him then.” Remus kneeled in front of you, making him fill your vision instead of you focusing on James’s side of the dorm.
“I don’t want to talk to him.” You mumbled, annoyed and petulant.
“That’s okay dovey, you don’t have too today. But it would be good for all of us to talk this through as soon as we can, yeah?” Remus asks hopefully, looking for you to meet his eyes.
“I would prefer to ignore him forever.” You mumbled to the floor, calming down enough to think of a few good jokes.
“Well that would be quite hard doll” Sirius jokes from a few feet away, still not sure how close he is allowed to get. You can tell he is holding back from returning your sarcasm. You gave him a small apologetic smile and then looked back down towards your feet.
“Why did you do it?” You asked after a small break of silence. Looking up at Sirius with an unreadable expression. He looked at you in shock for a few seconds before clenching his hands together.He just stared at you blankly for a few seconds before his gaze fell to the ground.
“After a long night of little sleep, it came up that we hadn’t done a prank in a while. James got excited, said he would plan it all out and tell me when it was finalized.” he chuckled and looked at Remus for a second before continuing, starting to stay as he talked “It took him the entire potions class, then he ran to go find Moony. He was so excited he ditched me and you. You know he usually walks with us to muggle studies, then with you to herbology, then goes to the pitch. He ditched all of it to plan this thing. I don’t know why because it really didn't need it.” He takes a deep breath and then kneeled next to Remus, in front of you. “As soon as I heard it I should have shot it down. I should have told him he was an idiot and to go take a nap. I should have planned with him so he wouldn’t have gotten inspired to do anything like that. There are so many things I should have done different, But I will do anything to have you look at me for more than 5 seconds,”
“Still on about your looks in times like these?” Moony interrupts, smiling cheekily at him.
“Oi shut it, I'm monologuing.” Sirius slapped him lightly on the arm and looked back up to you, hope shining in his eyes. “You don’t have to forgive me now, I get it if you don’t but,” he paused for a second, swallowing the lump forming in his throat. “Please know I never wanted to hurt you.” He tentatively takes your fingers in his hand, lightly tugging you towards him. You give in and extend your hand towards him. He lays a gentle kiss on your knuckles and your heart melts into him. The remaining smoke in your head clears out when Remus takes your other hand and intertwines it with his. It was like the fire was put out by someone dumping a buckets of water on it. Instead of a burning rage filling your head, it was a drowning despair-like feeling.
“Why didn’t you call him out on how stupid it was, or stop him? You knew the details before Remus.” You breathed out into the air, trying not to let your voice crack. You cast a glance at Remus for support but he just squeezed your hand lightly.
“I don’t know darling. I heard him say it and I knew it was stupid but I guess…” He paused for a bit and took in your mood before taking a deep breath like he was letting a large weight off his chest. “I guess I wanted to see you jealous.” Remus’s head snapped to the boy, a look of mixed concern and anger plastered on his face. You simply stared at him, allowing him to continue explaining. “Well. I mean.” He paused and put a hand on his chin, obviously trying to grasp the right words to not make you mad. “We have always been as solid as elderwood. I’ve only ever seen you get jealous over James and occasionally Remus. Now I know it is because of other underlying issues, but I just kind of wanted you to get jealous over me. That is what stopped me from telling him to quit it. And that is what I am truly sorry for, being selfish. I just thought that you would get possessive, maybe a bit mean, tell the girls off. I didn’t take into account that you need to be treated gently, and that’s what Remus does best.” He looked towards the boy who now had tears in his eyes as he watched the exchange. Your hand is still in his due to your very strong grip, only getting stronger as Sirius talks more.”And most of all I’m sorry for not being there for you this morning.”
“I think I had it covered.” You said jokingly.
“Not what I meant, but you know I would back you up any day.” He winks at you before Remus’s other hand lands on his shoulder.
“Let’s not premeditate attacks now.” He smiles and looks between the two of you before letting Sirius continue.
“I meant I wish I could have been there so you didn’t feel you had to go that far”
“I didn’t feel like I had to, I wanted to cave her face in. I still want to. That's the issue here Sirius. That is why I am trying to never see her again, I actually promised Mcgonagall that and I think it is the only thing that kept me from being expelled.” You ramble on, recounting all you could remember of the fight (which wasn’t much), what was said during the meeting, and your detention duties. Somewhere along you describing “Well,” Remus said after you were done, looking at you like you were the stars, “I guess it is out lifelong duty to keep you away from her.”
It was a week later you finally decided to talk to James, and when you told Remus and Sirius they both ran to tell him. You had pulled them aside during lunch and told them to get James for you. To be fair, you had planned on talking to them today, it didn’t suddenly hit you to talk to James. Making him sweat was too easy, so you gave him some time in the emotional sauna. You haven’t been avoiding the other two exactly, but you have been taking some space to think for yourself. The three of them came back out of breath and sweating, and the only thing you could think to do was laugh a little. The image of them running like they were being chased down the halls of Hogwarts, first Remus and Sirius trying to find James. Then all 3 of them trying to dodge first years and innocent house ghosts just going about their day off. It all brought a small smile to your face. When they found you again you were sitting on one of the stone benches along the sides of the hallway. It was a pretty empty hallway because of the lack of classes, but there were still students milling about.
“Hi lovie,” James said, a large grin on his face after seeing your smile. Your face immediately dropped and so did his. “Sorry,” he averted his eyes from your stare. “You wanted to talk?”
“You say that like you don’t know what it is about,” Sirius piped up, you shot him a glare that said let me handle this please.
“About Lily?” James asked, well stated but he phrased it like a question.
“...Yeah. I just wish you hadn’t said it like that.” Your voice dropped at the end of the sentence, looking down at the stones you gathered the courage to shoot straight with him. Well, it wasn’t courage. You had a whole plan of gently guiding him through the Lily conversation. But with that comment you made the executive decision that he didn’t need any more gentle treatment. Or, your tongue did.
“I just…did you have to do the prank with her? Did you have to prank me at all? Was it vital that I be the joke?”
“I was not trying to make you out to be a joke-” James started to defend himself before you cut him off.
“Do you know what would have been said if anybody else had walked in on that? Word around Hogwarts would be that out of my 3 supposed boyfriends not one of them actually likes me. Fuck, that is already going around because I haven’t been around you three all day every day.” You spare a glance towards Sirius and Remus before focusing solely on James. Now the location of the conversation made sense to them, you wanted this to be overheard, but easy to escape from. “You guys don’t get the rumors, you don’t get the stares and the whispers. You don't get the people comparing you to another guy, You don’t get the snakes cornering you in the courtyard telling you that your boyfriends had them pushed up against the wall last night! I know it’s a lie! I know it was just to make me mad but fuck it really worked. I almost found a way up to your dorm.” Remus and Sirius traded looks behind James, confused and taken aback. As you talked, the telltale fire started sparking in the tips of your fingers.
“That didn’t happen love, you -” James held his hands out towards you, sensing how you are working yourself up.
“YES I KNOW, I JUST FUCKING SAID I KNOW THAT.” You yelled viciously at him, before trying to calm yourself down and communicate in an effective manner. “Maybe listen to the words coming out of my mouth and we can get somewhere with this, James. I wanted to be calm and rational and then the first fucking thing you do is bring her up and now i’m off fucking track,” The fire now burning in your lungs makes it harder and harder to be rational.
“I’m sorry I went off script,” James tried to joke, willing to do anything to erase the tension he created. Yet again, another bad choice.
“If you aren’t going to try and have a conversation with me about what happened last friday, a real one that goes somewhere and is productive, then WE are done,” When you said we, you moved your hand in a circle, signifying the whole relationship is riding on this conversation. Panic rose in not only James's eyes, but it overtook Remus and Sirius's hearts.
“Wait dovey, you said that it didn’t need to get to that” Remus’s voice shook as he questioned you.
“That was on the condition that he can get his shit together.” You said, pointing accusingly at James. “It’s all over the fucking walls right now. It actually might be on the other side of the castle right now, maybe the gryffindor common room or something.”
“No doll, you know that isn’t true. Snap out of whatever is going through your head, it’s clouding you.” Sirius stated matter-of-factly, starting to step towards you before he was pulled back by Remus.
“Just let it play out. This is his fuck up. We can work it out with her after and calm her down. She is going to need us after this.” Remus said, trying to direct it solely towards the boy he had in his arms, but you heard it too.
“No, Remus. I am going to be completely fine after this.” You pointed dramatically towards yourself, slowly starting to lose control of your mouth “You three will have each other and I will hold myself together like always. That’s how it has been the whole fucking time! Sure you’ll hear me scream and cry my heart out but then you’ll send me to my dorm alone in the middle of the night. You will listen and explain away my fears and then do something the next FUCKING day to make me fall all the way down to rock bottom!” You wildly looked between the three boys, looking at you with triplet looks of shock on their faces. Your chest rose up and down heavily, making you aware just how much you lost control. You were out of breath and felt the tear streaks on your face, but can’t remember crying. Still, you couldn’t stop yourself from continuing “Shit, you’ll have Peter, but just because he is too scared to leave you. And half the fucking student body that either worships you or wants to be you. Oh!” You paused and laughed, knowing you were going too far, knowing this was going to hurt them, but wanting to do it anyway. “And you’ll have those bitches you wanted so bad. I know you have been waiting a long time, James, I'll finally let you have that fantasy.”
“No, lovie you have to understand-” He suddenly stopped himself from speaking as you just glared at him. James had been standing a foot away from you the entire time, taking everything in. Tears were starting to build in his eyes, possibly from him finally starting to understand what was happening. It seems any words coming from his mouth would make you more angry, so he just falls to his knees. Unknown to any of you, students started to gather at the end of the hallway, observing from a safe distance. James sobbed below you, babbling incoherent pleads. “please don’t do this” came out of his mouth at a point, making you look at Remus. His chocolate brown eyes were pinpoint focused on what was happening. When he looked at you directly, you could see his eyes dialate.
“Get up James, this is fucking pathetic.” You rolled your eyes. When he stayed in his bowed position, refusing to get up until you said some password you didn’t know. You cast a glance towards Remus, and then simply, calmly walked away. As you passed the hoarde of students watching, you plastered a smug smile on your face that dropped the second you rounded the corner. Instead of the puddle in your brain going away, like you hoped it would have, a new feeling took it’'s place. Something darker, emptier.
CW: Mean!reader, alcohol use mention, marijuana use mention, arguments, blood, small injuries, potential self harm but it isn't deliberate but saying it just in case, physical fight (kind of) happy-ish ending
A/N: YIPPEE I got it. might do an epilogue type shi later on but for right now this is the final part! Thank you so much for the overwhelming support on this series, and I hope you enjoy this.
The cold bit through the cloak you had tightly wrapped around your body. Your nails dug into the soft skin of your palm, the cold overpowering the pain you would usually be feeling. The only warmth reaching your senses is from the haze clouding your mind. Either from the potion or the weed, It has you thinking without the usual borders you usually put on yourself. Thinking too hard, too high up, has led to some dangerous thoughts in the past.
In the hopes of finding any resemblance of warmth, and a distraction, you took the lighter out of the warm robe pocket and let your thumb drag over the steel. A few sparks came before the flint caught and a small flame erupted from the tip. You don’t know how long the fire captivated your attention, but the next thing you heard was desperate footsteps coming up the stairs. After a few seconds you could make out that the footsteps belong to the boys that you are trying desperately not to think about. Trying to pry your bones from the hunched position your body has been in for hours at this point, groans escaped your mouth. Pain shot up through your hip as you fully stood, but it was ignored in search of a way out. You could duck into the lower part of the tower, but the stairs were louder than Peeves during a prank and there was no way you could gain enough agility to duck past the incoming boys without being noticed. Sighing in defeat, you chose to lean against the railing and admire the night sky before having the most difficult conversation of your life.
Remus was the first one up the stairs, borderline slamming the tower door open. He was audibly out of breath and the other two boys quickly joined him, but none of them walked up to you. You're not sure if you even wanted them to. Silence overtook the tower, even the distant owls stopped hooting. The boy’s heavy breathing sounded out faintly behind you, the stars twinkled beautifully in the night sky. You decided they were mocking you.
“Is there any way I can convince you to move this conversation to Monday?” You tried to make it sound like a joke, but the cracks in your voice betrayed you. Tears started to well behind your eyes involuntarily, you blinked them back and focused on the stars.
“Nuh-uh” Sirius says, you can tell he is shaking his head at you. “You aren’t getting away that easy” Now he said it jokingly, but the lack of a pet name didn’t escape you. Sighing softly, you turned around and tried to make the look on your face indiscernible.
“None of that dovey.” Remus was always quick to catch your bullshit. Not that you would give them the satisfaction of seeing how upset you really were. Instead of rolling your eyes at them, you closed your eyes and took a deep breath.
“Next time I have to run from somebody I’m getting on a broom” You breathed out, looking at the taller boy.
“Now there is a good coping mechanism!” James jeered for a second before being elbowed by Sirius. A spark lights in the back of your mind, anger. You love that he is treating this like a joke, really, it makes this just a little bit easier.
“Like yours are any better.” you snarl softly before you can keep up with your brain. The sparks spread over your mind, clouding your judgement. You said it so quietly that you half-hoped they didn’t hear you at all.
“What was that?” Sirius asked, taking a step closer.
“Nothing. I didn’t say anything.” You crossed your arms in defense across your chest. Your spine unconsciously bent forwards, your shoulders moving closer together. Adrenaline coursed through your veins as all their eyes pierced through you. Despite the fire building in you, cold seeped into your skin, making you shiver.
“I believe she said-” Remus started before words bursted out of you, interrupting him.
“Shut it, Lupin.” Their eyes went from concerned to hardened. The sparks in your brain rose into small, gentle flames. Any trace of love you usually see in their eyes are gone, replaced with confusion and probably resentment. You mentally sealed your mouth, hoping a spell to physically do it popped into your head.
“She said ‘like yours are any better’ Was that towards all of us dovey or just Jamie?” he looked at you expectantly before you just answered him with a shrug.
“Well?” James spoke up from the background, stepping forward to stand next to Remus. You had hoped they wouldn’t pry any further and just leave you alone but these boys have never been one to take a hint. The weed coursing through your system makes the barrier between your mouth and brain turn into nothing. The fire starts to singe the last rope of your self control. So many things bounce around in your skull that you almost zone out what Remus was saying.
“..one who said it! You know who it was aimed at, and I know, but I want you to say it.”
“Why don’t you go ahead since you know every fucking thing!” You snapped, forcing your hands to fall to your side in fists. The usual pain greeted you, deep grooves in your palm irritated from a night’s worth of abuse to them. The fire quelled a small amount, enough to hear James murmur something to Sirius. The flames instantly rose back up, making you not notice his eyes were locked onto your hands.
“Do you want to repeat that louder, James, since everybody is airing everything out!” You bark out, making them both jolt and James looks at you with unease. Sirius keeps his eyes on your hand like a dog to a piece of meat.
“Relax your hands, love” Sirius tries, seeming to ignore your very obvious bad mood.
“I’m not relaxing shit right now!” You take a breath and words start to escape you without permission. “You guys have been ignoring me for weeks, I walk in on all 3 of you basically fucking cheating on me and when I try to find some space to think you follow me and gang up on me. And you want me to fucking relax?” Your mind races with so many words gone unsaid you can't even bring your tongue to form them. Your fists tighten and nails dig into your skin so hard you hear the drops of blood hitting the floor.
“You are bleeding love.” James takes a few unconscious steps towards you, reaching for your hand. You take one step back, your hips making hard contact with the cold railing.
“I’m aware! You think my hands don’t hurt? I'm aware I am bleeding. It is the only way I am not strangling you right now!” You keep James’s eye contact before he breaks it first, taking a step back. Probably in fear. ‘Good’, you think. “And that was towards you” You spat out at him. The boys looked at you in confusion before remembering what you had said earlier. “You get stressed so you ignore me and try to get with Lily? What, genuinely, is wrong with you?” A deep breath and silence. “They at least had the decency to act like it was a mistake or an accident!” you gestured to Remus and Sirius, who had shoved the girls off their laps when you walked in. “You kept the bitch on your lap until I was basically walking out!” You can hear the frustration rising in your voice, volume increasing. All restraint you usually use with them is gone, useless and in the wind. The fire is now an inferno, blazing past your brain and through your veins. The cold was no longer there, just burning rage and underneath it all a wet, sopping, drowning sadness.
“Whoa that's a strong word to use-” James starts to talk, probably delving into a spiel about how she doesn’t deserve to be treated that way. Remus looks at him baffled, while Sirius just stares at your hands, seemingly having not blinked since he saw the blood drip from them.
“I’m fucking done if you are trying to defend her right now.” You deadpanned towards him, unclenching your fists and crossing your arms again. James looked stunned, mouth opening and closing like a fish.
“I wasn’t defending her! I'm just saying a better word would-”
“Okay.” You started walking towards the door, making sure to ram into his shoulder on your way out. Usually you only reserve that move for pissing someone off, but this was pure unchecked rage. You knew you only had about 30 seconds before their brains caught up to what happened and you wanted to go back in and yell at them more. Ignoring the stiffness throughout your spine and hips, you ran as they stood at the top of the stairs. Behind you rang out their voices, but with the echo of the stairwell you couldn’t make out what they were saying.
“So you did need the unction.” Pomfrey states as she inspects your palms. She takes each of your fingers and tests the full range of them, and then your palm. “It’s going to be a little hard to do palm reading down the line, but you’ll live,” You rolled your eyes at her joke before denying the need for the useful but very gross potion. She rolled a tray over that had a bowl full of a odd liquid-jelly consistency and a few small skin-coloured tentacles. Instantly you recognized it as Murtlap Essence, something Pomfrey taught you to make after the first 5 times you walked into her wing.
“Do it for 10 minutes then do the other. If it starts stinging, pull it out and yell for me.” She instructed you, looking at the disgust clearly written on your features. “Blasted first years used up all my potions stock.” Reluctantly you dipped your hand in only to be greeted with a cool, tingling sensation over any skin it touched. As you rested your hand in the concoction, you could feel the skin of your palm close up and heal. Thank Merlin for Murtlaps, you think before switching your hands. Once you took the other hand out of the bowl, Pomfrey came to check on you.
“You have always had perfect timing.” You admire her as she works around the wing, but is always on time to check on you. Given that you were the only one right now, it was quite easy but even during a busy day she was attentive. “If I ask for a singular joint are you going to give me the chart?”
“I’m too busy to find a damn chart only made for five students right now.” She says as she hands you a pack full of the delightful objects. “Merlin knows you need it right now anyway. I don’t know what is going on, but you don’t come to me at midnight with self-inflicted wounds for no reason. My only demand is that you talk to somebody or drink the unction.” Damn, you didn’t think anyone could catch onto you as fast as she did, even Remus. The thought of the sweet boy made a pang go through your heart. You don’t even know if they ran after you or went back to their common room to forget about it. It has been almost 30 minutes now between you running here and delaying having to leave. Slowly you got up and bid Pomfrey a good night. With a concerned glance and a tentative good-bye from her, you walked out of the wooden doors. At every turn on the long trek to your dorm you expected to see three desperate boys. You don’t know why you continued to hope they would show face after you snapped at them and walked out mid-conversation. You think of Remus and Sirius, who didn’t get a fair word the whole time. Your anger with James blinded you to the other boys who may have been trying to actually remedy something. But if James had asked Lily out 100 times over 3 years, how come he couldn't spend more than 6 hours trying to get you back?
Remus was a statue by the door, sat awkwardly on an armchair he dragged over. His head was propped up by his arm, eyes downcast towards the floor. Occasionally his eyes flitted to the doorway like he was waiting for you to walk in. Sirius sat on his bed in an unnerving, deadly silence. The only open curtain being the one on the end of his bed so he could see the other boys. James, however, was pacing around the dorm room and ranting. He went around and around the fireplace, hoping to make sense of what happened. Peter sat on his bed in confusion watching it all go down, hoping they wouldn’t kick him out again.
“I mean, she was SO snappy” James dragged out the ‘o’, and turned around towards his boyfriends. He had been running his mouth, and legs, since they got into the room.
“No shit, James.” Sirius spoke for the first time in a while, glaring at the boy.
“Yes it was a bad idea, I'm just saying I have never seen her like that!” James felt worse and worse the more he thought about it. “I mean, shit, my shoulder hurts!”
“I think I would have done worse, prongs.” Sirius glared at him before focusing his eyes back onto the top of his canopy.
All of the boys wanted to run after you. James and Sirius tried, only to be immediately stopped by Remus. Through many, many protests he dragged them to the dorm room and plopped them on their separate beds. In their chaos they accidentally woke Peter, who was joined into the conversation with a ‘Wormtail, you won’t believe this’ by James. Remus still sits in silence, but his arms have moved to be across his chest.
“She wouldn’t even try to reason, or talk to us.” James looks at Remus who looks lost in a world far, far away.
“Because that was a really shitty thing to do to her! I don’t know why I ever agreed to it!” Sirius exclaims, flopping back in his bed. He lays down at the head of his bed, on the pillows, and takes one into his arms. His mind races with action, he wants to run out of here and find you. Explain it was a horrible prank and beg for hours for your forgiveness. But even though he couldn’t see him, he knew Remus was right at the door. He wouldn’t have a clue what the riddle would be for your common room, much less where to find your room. Hopelessness was the worst feeling to him, as a gryffindor, as a wizard, as a Black. As much as he hated his family he was still a product of it. And the proud house of Black never felt hopeless. He almost felt his mothers spit on his face with that thought. He could also feel Remus trying to read his brain through the curtain. He knew the second he and James fell asleep, Remus was probably going to go to you.
Soon enough James will wear himself down, His pace has already slowed and he is hovering more towards his bed rather than around the small hearth. He himself is drowsy, hours of running around the castle has taken a toll on him. He doesn’t know how Remus is still awake, but when he looks at him he sees that his eyes are closed and his mouth is slightly open. He is dead asleep, and he wonders why he has so much back pain after falling asleep in positions like this.
“Have you tried talking to her one to one?” Peter spoke up, mousy and unsure. James glanced over at him, confused but curious.
“Why? This is a 4 person relationship.”
“Well,” Peter started, looking back at the two pairs of eyes trained on him. “She might feel a tad overwhelmed when it is all 3 of you guys on her at once.” He measures how the boys react, surprised when they are silently waiting for him to elaborate. “She, probably, feels like it is you guys against her and like she's cornered.” he creates another pause as their glances become confused and another joins them. Remus stands and moves the chair a little closer to the fireplace, and to be within earshot of the quiet boy.
“Speak up a bit, Peter, or move closer.” Remus sat facing the fire, right ear to the boys so he could still watch the door.
“I said she probably gets overwhelmed when it is all of you talking to her when she is already upset. And what does an animal do that is cornered, hurt, and angry?”
“It cries?” Sirius said as a question, confused and guessing at this point.
“Runs away?” James said, obviously not thinking fully.
“It bites.” Remus states, his mind full of you.
Remus wanders the west side of the castle, searching for the stairs that will hopefully lead to you. He is starting to get frustrated when he hears footsteps coming up the corridor to his left. Quickly he ducks behind a suit of armor and prays the person will pass by without seeing him. It has to be close to 1 in the morning by now, and if he is caught his perfect record will be broken. No that he isn’t willing to break anything for you, but he would prefer to do this without getting in trouble. As the footsteps get closer, and the echo around them fades, he recognizes them. And then your scent fills his senses, and he steps out of the shadows with a quiet call of your name. You whip around and lock eyes with him, hand on your wand that is tucked in your waistband. Your eyes were hard to look at, a mix of hurt and sadness he knew was a result of him.
“I know you want to hex me into tomorrow, but can you at least give me a few last words?” He holds his hands up in mock surrender before taking a step closer to you. You let him, you have always let him. “I know this is going to get you more angry but you have to know. Tonight was a horrible prank idea by James and Sirius. I’m suspecting it’s more of a James idea myself.” He smiles at you before quickly dropping it at your face. “I didn’t want to do it but I didn’t say anything about it. She just sat on me right before you opened the door, I barely had time to process what happened, Darling.”
“Okay, okay. Let’s get to the common room or something, I made it this far without getting caught.” He smiled at you and gestured for you to lead the way. On the way up, his eyes glanced towards your hands. No blood, no signs of anything happening to them. You aren’t being squirelly or hiding them but he doesn’t want the same reaction James had gotten when he brought them up. He noted to ask about it later, hopefully when he was able to be pressed up against you, under the covers and half asleep. You both reached the top of the staircase and stood in front of a simple but large wooden door. In the middle there was a bronze, decadent and extremely realistic eagle knocker.
“This will be awkward if we can’t solve the riddle.” Remus jokes and looks at you as you roll your eyes at him. Merlin, he missed that. The knocker started to come to life, first it’s eyes started moving and then it’s head tilted slightly to the side, and then it spoke to them.
“What disappears the moment you’ve said it’s name?” It took about two seconds before it clicked and without hesitation you answered,
“Silence.” You looked at Remus with a small smile as the door slowly opened into the common room. The circular room had dark blue carpet all through the large space. The ceiling was a dome mapped with the stars currently in the sky backed with the same dark blue as the floors. The walls were white, well whatever walls weren’t covered in floor to ceiling arched windows or sleeping portraits. The edges of the windows were decorated with bronze feathers and directly across the room from the entrance was a large white marble statue of who he could only assume to be Rowena Ravenclaw. At the base of her statue there was a small spiral staircase going down.
“And what is down there?” He asked you, with a small sly smile. “The raven-freak room?”
“A library. Weirdo.” You responded, walking over to the staircase waiting for him to follow. “C’mon, I don’t want to wake the paintings.” He silently followed you down the stairs, worried they were going to cave in the whole time down. They were delicate, bronze, and shiny stairs that looked like they would break under the weight of himself, much less the 2 of you. Downstairs, he stepped into a cozy and dark library. In the daytime it was probably very bright seeing as every wall that didn’t have a bookshelf had a window. He couldn’t even tell what colour the walls were. However the only light currently was coming from enchanted candles floating above them. As they moved around the library the candles followed them, seeming to follow where they wanted to look to give them light. Small bronze eagles decorated the tops of some bookshelves, where the others had small bronze decals all over the wood.
You led him over to a padded bench in the back of the room and encouraged him to say everything he needed to say. About the firewhisky you could still faintly smell on him, how miserable he was during classes, how he wished he punched James when he first suggested the prank idea. He sat beside you encasing your hand with his and laying out his entire heart. “Believe it or not it was fucking Peter that brought me to my senses.”
“It always is.” You stated, laughing internally. Many nights of arguments have been laid out by one sentence from Peter. Even with how insightful Remus was, it was hard to juggle 3 people’s feelings. Peter has an outside perspective that he is afraid to share, but always eventually helps you all out. It may take you dragging it out of him, and might hurt for a second, but it is always the truth you need. “Remember when James and Sirius were fighting in third year?” You asked him, smiling at the memory.
“Merlin, we almost had to beat the answer out of him!” Remus exclaimed, putting his head on your shoulder.
“Yeah, fuck spells we got hands for a reason!” You laughed, remembering the amount of times your hands have been infinitely more useful than spells.
“Speaking of,” Remus said, lifting his head and looking in your eyes. “You got James pretty good.” He lightly bumped your shoulder, “You aren’t hurt?”
“I went to Pomfrey.” You stated, looking down at your hands and spreading them for him. “And my shoulder is fine. I’ve done that too many times to have gotten hurt. He’s lucky I didn’t punch him instead.” Remus takes a second to think, analysing your answer before nodding.
“I’m surprised you didn’t at least slap him. I thought I was in the danger zone for a second there.” Remus said, hoping to get another smile from you.
“I can’t reach your face fast enough.” You joked, before shaking your head “Also I wasn’t thinking about it.” You paused for a moment before looking over the library as if making sure no one was there. “Im sorry for the way I spoke to you, love. I didn’t mean most of what I said back there.”
“Oh you did Dove. I know you would have preferred to say more, or fix the tone, or even say less. But you meant it, the last thing you are is insincere.” Remus pulled your hand into his lap and squeezed it comfortingly. “James will understand eventually. Sirius already does, I think he understands better than anybody. Peter is on your side as always, made us feel like right dolts for approaching you the way we did.” Remus paused and smiled a bit, a twinkle growing in his eyes “Did call you an animal though so you should tease him about that.”
“In what possible context could he have referred to me as an animal!” You exclaimed playfully, bewilderment overcoming your features.
“Well, he made an analogy, it was like ‘what does a wild animal do when it is cornered and hurt?’ and I said that ‘it bites’ and it all dawned on me at once. I waited until James and Sirius fell asleep, then I came to find you. I was planning on waiting outside the door if I got the riddle wrong. I brought chocolates.” He smiled as he shoke the pocket full of the sweets, relishing in the sound of your giggles. He would do anything to hear you laugh and have you look up at him like that. Like he was worth looking at.
“I didn’t bite, I barely barked at you guys. Biting will be what happens when I see Lily again.” You were half joking but there were no promises put in place for what happens next. The marauders aren’t the only students with long detention histories. Remus seems to sense your honesty, because he tightens his hands around yours and shakes his head.
“There will be none of that.” He scolds, half serious and half sincere.
“You are going to have to be fast then.” You said sassily, looking him in the eyes as if challenging if he believed you or not. He met your gaze and smiled, something going unsaid in his eyes. Tentatively, he reached out to you and cupped your jaw. He brushed his thumb over your cheekbone and you melted into his touch. Before you could completely quell down, you remembered what he had said earlier. “What the hell kind of prank was that?”
“It’s fucking psychopathic is what it is!”
“Where could they possibly be?” Now Sirius was the one pacing around the room. He woke from a very uneasy and light sleep to no guard (Moony) at the door and everyone else asleep. He tried to raid the chocolate stash but found only an empty drawer. He knew instantly that Moony had taken Peter’s advice to heart and waited until he could slip away to go and see you. He knew because that was exactly what he was going to do before he dozed off. His exclamation woke up James who grumbled what was probably a very eloquent and detailed answer.
“Eeeugph,” he grumbled. Flopping over onto his stomach, arm dangling off the bed, he mumbled, “Wha’ did you say?” his messy bedhead, paired with a cute tilt of his head in confusion, melted Sirius’s icy mood.
“Nothin Prongsie, go back to sleep.” Sirius soothed the half asleep boy, lifting him back onto the bed.
“Where’s Moony?” James now spoke in a quiet tone, awake enough to be conscious of the time. Sirius grimaced and shook his head, silently communicating his thoughts. “He went to her, didn’t he?” James questioned, now sitting up and trying to untangle himself from the blankets. “Well, we have to find them and talk more.”
“Do you think she really wants to talk to you right now James?” Sirius asked, kneeling down besides the struggling boy. James sends him a confused look, silently asking him to elaborate. “If Moony is talking to her, maybe it is best to let them be for now. He has always been the better talker, and I don’t want to have to drag you across the castle after she knocks you out.” Sirius chuckles dryly before taking in James’s not amused expression. Firmly, he pushed James back into the bed and yanked the covers back over him.
“Join me Pads, please.” James quietly pleaded with the gloomy boy. The last word almost unheard behind the whispers going through his head. He decided to take his own advice and not go after Moony, as much as it hurt him. The warmth of the boy in front of him dulled the cold, sharp pain of missing something.
Sirius laid awake for hours, listening to the sounds of the castle and the snores coming from the boy in front of him. He quietly got up and walked around the bed, kneeling in front of James and analysing his face. He ran a hand down James's arm and pushed the hair out of his eyes, frowning at the boy. Many thoughts ran through his mind, enough that he couldn't pin any of them down long enough to think them through. He wants to yell at James, shake him awake and berate him for thinking of this stupid prank. He also wants to hold him and comfort him and tell him that you weren’t going anywhere because you would understand it was just a prank. But he saw how you broke, he saw the way you looked at them. There may be no comeback from the things he did, but the most he can hope for is forgiveness. He thinks of the girls, and why they agreed even though they were reluctant from the get-go. Mostly he is thinking about how you might feel. Sadness, anger, betrayal.
He took a deep breath, dispelling his focus on his thoughts, and decided to walk back to his bed and lay down. If he stays standing he isn’t going to be able to stop himself from running through the castle, looking for you. With a flick of his wand the curtain snapped close and he laid in the middle of the bed, looking straight up. His eyes focused on the top of his canopy until the sun started to peak over the tops of the mountains that surrounded the school. Sleep never blurred at his eyes, his mind never stopped rushing with thoughts. He noted that Moony had come back a mere hour before dawn with no words, hell he probably thought he was asleep. He didn’t even hear the creak of the boards besides James’s bed. To be fair, he couldn’t find the motivation to get up and talk to him either. That, or he was not ready to hear the complete truth of your feelings yet.
You felt a lump form in your throat, trying to find the proper words to describe your thoughts. Remus, as always, waits with a patient, steady arm around you. You can feel his rising distress, but can also feel he is trying to keep it down so you can talk without hesitation.
“I don’t know right now. I know this isn’t something you would ever do willingly as not a prank. I know that.” You took a second to look up at him and give a real, genuine small smile. “But I really can’t say the same for James. I know he loves us and the thing we all have, but I have always questioned whether or not he loves me more than whatever fantasy he has with Lily.” You were already talking quietly, but the other girl’s name was almost a whisper in the wind. Remus’s arm tightened around you as he let out a fast and quick exhale.
“Oh, lovely.” A long, loving kiss landed on your temple. He brushed away a tear you didn’t even feel fall. “I know he does.”
“Really? Because every time I see them talk, it is like she hung the fucking stars in front of him. He tells her things I know he doesn’t tell me. The other day a snake came up to me and asked if we were still together!” You paused and rolled your eyes “I know it was just something to rile me up, but it fucking worked! I know you love me, I know Sirius loves me in his own weird demented way. But after 2 years I still have to question if the boy with the biggest and loudest heart I know loves me too. It's just not worth it.” At this point your eyes were filled with tears, trails ran down your face as you let out the thoughts that you have been trying so hard to not let overrun your mind.
“Please dovey,” Remus pleaded with you. “Tell him all of this. Talk with him and you will see that he does love you. More than anything.”
“You think I haven’t? You think there weren't nights where we spent hours brewing over little thoughts and feelings. Hours crying and heaving and getting into the gritty, dirty details of how we felt about everything. I told him, I think this is word for word now, ‘I could never be her, I could never compare to someone you care for so deeply’ and he held me and soothed me as I broke down. Then he went and happily splayed her across his lap to what, get a rise out of me?” Your voice echoed among the bookshelves, and you scoffed. “Even if it was just a ‘stupid prank’ ,” You put that in airquotes, “It was hurtful and cruel that he did it with her. And even more hurtful that they all agreed to do it. I get firewhisky was involved, and bad judgement, but that doesn't erase how idiotic this whole thing was. And if he thinks this was an okay thing to do or that it’s just not a big deal, if any of you think that, I may need to rethink this relationship.” You said the last part so quickly you don't even know if he was able to process it. Suddenly your focus was much more attuned to the floorboards in the library rather than the boy looking down at you. When you did look up, you could see the tears threatening to leave his eye and the way his hand clenched around the hem of his jumper.
“Dovey? We… we don’t need to go that far. He feels horrible about it, he does. He is just an idiot and needs some time to cool down. Just please, don’t make me do this.” He rambles on, before his tone turns pleading and sincere. “Don’t make me choose.” His voice is raw, strained from the effort of not falling apart.
“I’m not making you do anything yet Moony.” He perked up at the use of his nickname, a small smile overcoming his lips. “But if he doesn’t get his shit together, you might have to think more about it.”
You awoke in a bright but dusty library surrounded by warmth. Strong arms around your waist, and a broad, secure chest behind you. Waking up like this has always felt good, because it never happened much. But somehow it feels infinitely better when it comes after a good long talk about feelings. When you and Remus exited the library, you were greeted by the normal hustle and bustle of the raven claw common room. AKA it was empty. A Saturday morning, maybe closer to noon, meant everybody was either at the Black Lake or Hogsmeade. A quick look out of the windows confirmed a large group of students in their casual clothes, some in swimming suits at the lake. There were people swimming, and picnicking and there was even a game of muggle football trying to start between some Gryffindors. Remus chuckled and dragged you out of the room and towards the Great Hall. It was absolutely thrumming with noise, there were poor souls trying to study in the far corners of the table. People dancing on part of the Gryffindor table, the other half still covered in plates from lunch. Now it was your turn to drag Remus, you found a spot for both of you on the far end on the Ravenclaw table near a large plate of pasties and a bowl of mash. The two of you chatted between bites, but mostly kept to your own thoughts. The only topic of conversation was where were the other 2 boys. Remus stayed for about 20 minutes before he left to go find the rest of your quartet.
In the 10 minutes that he was gone, Mary walked into the great hall and saw you, and then immediately turned back around and left. Marlene walked in about a minute later with her in tow and beelined towards the farthest end of the Gryffindor table from you. Lily however, a true Gryffindor, walked in and made eye contact with you before heading straight your way. Almost instantly rage built inside of you, there was no build up, no time to calm yourself down. Just an instant inferno engulfing your emotions, sense, and restraint. You tried to think about how James, Sirius and Remus would react if you hurt her. Poor sweet Remus, he should not have left. She stopped slightly behind you, making you turn around to see her. She said your name softly, awkwardly, as if it had never really been in her mouth before. Before you really even had enough time to think, you were already standing up and your arm was already winding back. A yell came from the Slytherin table, a jeer from the other end of Ravenclaw, gasps and then a sickening crack of bone breaking.
The next thing you saw was a lot of blood, a crying (blood covered) Lily, and a lot of people around you that were shocked. Your hand hurt, but you suspected it was nothing compared to the pain she was feeling because of the very awkward angle her nose was set at.
A/N: woooheee that was a long one! I think final count was around 6.1k. I wanted to do a teeny bit more but I think I will let it lie where it is for now. I know the POV's are kind of hard to follow, its bc of how I wrote pts 1&2 and I wanted to keep it consistent. thanks again for all of the support and I hope you throughly enjoyed this series.
CW: Angst, bad prank idea, alcohol use, really shitty teenage male behaviour by James n Sirius, miscommunication, ooc Lily n gang, they do a bad prank but also try to talk sense into the boys.
A/N: This got me for a second! I got lost in what I wanted to do but I think I got it figured out 🤫 I am a professional Sirius criticizer and Remus lover. sorry. Thank you for all the support and I hope you guys enjoy this!
James never meant for things to get this bad. Sure he knew they weren’t spending as much time with you as they could, but recently everything had come to a boil. Sirius had run away from his home, showing up on James’s doorstep sopping wet at 2 in the morning. The broken boy had pleaded with James to not tell the other two about that night, so it weighed only on their minds. James had reluctantly agreed, not liking keeping a secret from his partners but desperate to stop the stream of tears coming from Sirius's eyes. Remus has always had a lot on his plate, from his furry problem to his now enhanced workload, he was spread thin. And the cherry on top? James was surprised to come back to school to the new title of Gryffindor Quidditch team captain. He was extremely grateful for the opportunity, and he was going to do his best to uphold the highest standard possible for the team, but it was starting to get overwhelming. And it was only 2 months into the year. Free time was hard to find for James currently and he wished he had more time to see you. If only he could work with the boys to figure out a schedule, but even seeing them lately seems like a rare commodity.
His eyes shot open as he realized he was drifting off, abruptly sitting up to stop himself from dozing further. He let out a soft grunt as he stood up, looking up to see if any of the other boys needed some inspiration to wake up. Sirius’s curtains were tightly drawn shut, blocking out any light filtering in through the dorm’s windows. He had gone to bed angry and snappy, firing at anyone who dared to talk with them. He had just sat with Sirius and held him until he fell asleep, sating the small tantrums with kisses and waited until he heard snores to let go. Those same soft snores escaped out from behind the curtains, betraying any hardness Sirius was trying to display last night. James was worried his attitude would carry on to this morning, so he didn’t take the risk of waking him up directly. Instead he went to the bathroom and made an absolute ruckus of getting ready. ‘Accidently’ knocking over soap bottles, finding a way to ‘bump’ the showerhead so it falls and clatters absurdly loudly against the shower wall. By the time he comes out of the bathroom, fully clothed after knocking a few other things about, Sirius has the curtains fully open and is glaring at him.
“‘morning” He huffs, not dropping the glare at all. James matches his glare playfully for a second before switching to a genuine smile. He stalked towards Sirius and placed a large, loud kiss on his forehead.
“Good morning sleepyhead” Sirius’s glare still does not drop, but it takes on a more playful tone. Sirius takes even more time to get ready, and by the time they reach the common room, the bells for the end of the first set of classes had rung, and they were trying to beat the bells for the start of the second. Dodging ghosts and other students on their way to class, they rushed through shortcuts and used odd passages to end up in the dungeons slightly early. Conversation had been flowing the whole way, Sirius being in a significantly better mood, and it had shifted to new, fun ideas.
“We should do another prank” Sirius suggested, buzzing with the possibility. James had laughed and had to dodge a confused first year before hesitantly agreeing and saying,
“We haven’t done one in eons” he paused again and his face contorted to one of confusion, or perhaps apprehension “But I am quidditch captain and do not want to get in trouble, and we should really dedicate any extra time we have to lovie. I feel like I haven’t talked to her in forever.”
“We talked last potions class and we see each other at every meal” Sirius said, waving his hand like he was dismissing you. “We are all busy with our own stuff, I know, but I want to do something fun together” he analyzed James' face before adding on “Plus darling has never taken place in a prank before it might be fun. And I do miss her a-”
“Let’s ask Moony before we start going on and planning things.” James interrupted him, as the words left James's mouth the bell for the second class started to ring. They scamper towards the door decorated with scraggly art of cauldrons and potion bottles Slughorn no doubtedly drew himself. They are instantly thrown into a busy class full of potion explosions and curses. James felt your eyes burning a hole in the side of his head during the lesson, but he just couldn’t look at you. You had been looking at them ever since you walked in a minute late. If he looked away there was a good chance the potion was going to explode. Sirius kept an eye on you from his peripherals, but never put his full attention on you. Things continue like this all class, everytime you look at them they try their hardest not to look back. James’s leg twitches through the entire class. They pack up their bags in record time and race out of the classroom to meet up with Remus and plan their prank.
“No, I’m not pranking dovey.” Remus deadpans. Taking in the boy’s appearances, obviously low on sleep and morals.
“C’mon you don’t even want to see what her reaction would be?” Sirius peers at him curiously, trying to persuade him.
“No, I like living. I like reading. If we do this she is gonna burn all my books and then me.” he states with a little exasperation in his tone.
“Hey, being dramatic is my job!” Sirius fires back jokingly, “We just want to spend more time with her.”
“Then you can do it another way than pranking her. What was your idea anyway?” Remus asks, ashamed at the boy’s current trains of thought. The books in his hands were heavy and he was getting sicker earlier than intended. His patience was already pretty low and all he really wanted to do was see his dovie.
“Well we didn’t really think of one yet.” James said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head.
“Code for you wanted me to think of one” Remus grimaced and shook his head. “I’m only doing it if you two think of it” the two boys groaned and complained but the tall boy stayed firm and dismissed them so he could go and return the books to the library, and hopefully make it to the hall before lunch ended so he could finally have some relief.
Remus had also missed breakfast, but for a different reason than the other boys. He had stayed up all night studying, falling asleep in the early morning hours only to wake up a few hours later. He had arrived at the dorm long after Sirius had been put to bed and left before they woke up, even before the sun had fully awoken. His first trip of the day was down to the library, hoping to finish a transfiguration essay before it was due at the end of the day. He very much to his disappointment had to skip out on breakfast, and seeing you, to write the essay. He swears to make it up to you after this week’s tests and assignments are over, but until then he needs to make studying his number one priority. He takes dutiful notes during his insanely boring classes with thoughts of you and the boys the entire time. He rushes through his transfiguration essay, probably going to get a lower grade than he expects, but all he wants to do is make it to lunch before it is over. When he was on his way to the great hall, he ran into a pouting Sirius.
“What is the issue now?” Remus said, cornering the drama queen so he would actually talk.
“We thought of a prank for darling but I don’t like it now and it's already too late to take it back.” Sirius spit the words out like holding them in was painful. He paused and looked behind him where Remus assumed James was still hidden around the corner. “James has started it already.”
“What? What did you idiots do? Why did you not inform me before you started? Where is she?” More questions filled Remus’s head, but he couldn’t find the space in his brain to articulate them. His head spun as Sirius shifted nervously and jerked his head towards the same corner.
“She was eating, but she might have left.” Sirius stopped abruptly. Like he was going to say more before deciding it wasn’t needed.
“Why might she have left, pads . . .” Remus seethed, getting closer to the boy’s face. Wanting to draw out the truth from him. Sirius sighed and told him everything going down in the hall.
James didn’t mean to play into it so much, he really didn’t but he just loves the bit. See, he thought that if he just played hard to get and made you super jealous then you would try to spend more time with them and seek them out instead of them always having to find you. Sirius, being just as low on sleep and sense, thought his train of thought made complete sense. They didn’t even think to go back and check with Remus because this plan was so foolproof what could go wrong!
When he stopped Lily, he had quietly prayed she would play along and not just dismiss him. When she actually greeted him softly and with a small smile he was shocked and it took him a second to remember what he was going to say. Looking at her now, he can’t remember what made him so infatuated with her in their first few years here. Remembering he was trying to initiate a conversation, he tried to go over a few small talk topics. How are you; did you get the notes for charms this morning; do you want to take part in a prank, things like that. He stepped closer and tried to find what he found so captivating about her in the first place. He moved his eyes down her hair, cascading down her shoulders, but all he could think about was how your hair moved in the gentle breeze during dates in Hogsmeade. Her eyes were shining like emeralds as she looked up at him, but your eyes felt like home and a warm cup of tea and he wanted to stay there forever. Behind her he could see you at the table, looking like your lungs were wrenched from your body. A sharp beat of pain went through his heart and he couldn’t hold the lie any longer. He wanted to reach out to you and apologize and say it was all a joke here and now. But he didn’t.
“Goodbye Lily.” He said, interrupting her sentence, then turned on his heel and walked away quickly. Murmurs erupted in the hall after him, and Lily’s voice called out after him. The only thing he heard however was your cries during the nights where it seemed all he could do was hold you as you fell apart. How you cried that you were afraid you would never be enough, never be her. All he saw was your tear-streaked face looking up at him, so focused on you he almost ran into a large, tall figure. He rushed out apologies as he looked up, into his furious boyfriend's face.
“What were you thinking?” Remus hissed out at him, seething. James was convinced he was so hopping mad he was going to transform there and then, ignoring the moon cycles. “Kitchens, now”
They had just gotten back from the kitchens, mulling the lunch debacle over tea and some much deserved food for Remus, when they ran into Lily and company in the common room.
“Hey Jamie!” She said, a tad excited, before moving over on the couch and tapping the spot beside her. “Come sit.” James laughed lightly, slightly unsettled, before sitting next to her with a little bit of distance. The other sofa opposite of them was covered in books, inkwells, and a frightfully towering stack of sweets. In Lily’s lap were the charms notes from this morning, and a few more sweets beside her. Mary was sitting on the arm of the couch next to Lily, leaning over her shoulder to look at the notes. Sirius sat on James’s other side, which left Remus to sit on the armchair next to the couch, where Marlene was sitting on the arm of the chair closest to the pile of sweets. “So about the prank you wanna do” Lily starts.
“Oh, yeah.” And James explains the thoughts behind his and Sirius's dumb idea. It was a Friday so, ever the alcoholic group, a bottle of firewhisky was brought down. Naturally they kept it stashed under the table behind a stack of books, unseen from the door (and most other angles). Lily nodded along and asked questions with a confused look on her face.
“So why not just talk to her?” She asks, unwrapping a toffee. The charm notes have been abandoned and moved to the stack of books on the other couch. James thinks for a second before taking a sip of the firewhisky. He apprehensively opens his mouth to say something, but shuts it quickly. Sirius decides to take the lead on this one,
“It’s not that simple, we can talk all day about this to her but she won’t change her actions. She’s shy, she doesn’t like attention.” Remus grunts at that, almost in disapproval but when everyone looks to him for clarity he shrugs and crosses his legs like he didn’t do anything. “She doesn’t like causing attention.” he mended before continuing, “We just want to see if she has a different side to her when she is jealous.” James decided he had found enough words to interrupt Sirius and continue on his own tangent.
“When we do something she doesn’t like she comes up to us, tells us what we did, why it hurt her and what she needs from us. We haven’t had any sight of something happening where she can’t control what she wants to say in the moment.” Marlene sighs and looks at Mary exasperated. James continues, “I just wish she was more-” he moved his hands around like he was trying to keep occupied while finding the right set of words. “Open. With us.” he settled and nodded while everyone else looked at him questioningly. “While still being her witty and sarcastic self, but she just feels rough and direct when she has a problem or is arguing wit-” James was rambling like he had a bit more to say but he was interrupted by a gruff voice that hasn’t spoken since you were brought up.
“Because she doesn’t want to be arguing.” Remus opposed. “She knows she will say the wrong stuff so she just stops arguing. And starts stating things.”
“She always says ‘wrong stuff’ but what does that really mean?”
“Things she can't take back, James” Remus huffs, approaching a boil at the whole situation. “She knows how she works, we should trust her on that. We can only do so much besides love her and support her.” He uncrosses his legs and leans back into the chair.
Mary claps her hands and stands up, “Let’s get off this topic and onto the prank!” she says, almost yelling to get over the tension building in the room. “So you all really want to do this? Because a bird just signalled that she is coming up the tower.” The ‘bird’ was a wildlife painting that sent a raven soaring through all the paintings in the common room. The group scrambled to find the nearest lap to them. Lily stood up to allow James to sit where she was, and she draped herself over his lap. Her back laid against the arm of the couch and her legs balled up on the other side of his legs. Sirius sat next to them with Mary perched awkwardly on top of his lap.
Immediate dread washed over the room and Marlene immediately took her hands and legs away, not being able to keep up the act. Sirius immediately understood how badly he fucked up when he saw your face. Disbelief, mixed with heartbreak and a weird sense of relief. Like you were waiting for this to happen but thought it was only reserved for your worst nightmares. He shoved Mary off his lap so hard she almost fell into the stack of sweets on the other couch. James stared in shock at you, as you stared back trying to take in the scene. They could see the cogs turning in your head, the rage building behind your eyes. Remus was the first to stand, inching towards you silently. A glare from you quickly stopped him in his tracks, and stopped Sirius from even getting up to join him. Lily, not catching on to the shift, acted dumb and said,
“Well you look comfortable.” Lily chortled and lightly kicked Mary on the thigh, earning a sigh and protests from the victimized girls.
“I’m usually the one getting sat on, I don’t know how to do this.” She defends herself and tries to relax into Sirius as much as possible. Remus hadn’t even allowed Marlene into his lap at first, pushing her away. They compromised on her draping her arm over his shoulder and him letting her put her legs over his while still sitting on the arm. Right after they had settled the painting swung open, revealing you and a delicious looking tray of biscuits.
“You aren’t supposed to be here” James turned to Lily in shock before turning back around to face you. Your hands were gripping the tray so hard James could see them turning white.
“And you aren’t supposed to be on my boyfriend’s lap” He flinched at your tone. Bitey, as expected, but it had a hint of betrayal. While you weren’t close with Lily, there had definitely been a sort of trust that had built over the years. Fragile trust, as it had just broken into a million different pieces. As had your trust with them, they all felt it shatter with that sentence. He just registered that Lily was in fact still on his lap.
“Let’s not go there love” He tried, standing up quickly, making Lily fall with a yelp. He made a mental note to apologize to her later, and continued towards you. Ignoring the glares that had previously stopped the other two, he stopped out of the range of your arms.
“I have been there since you two ran from me after potions, now is a very different thing.” You spat at him. He could feel the venom in your words infect his heart. They really didn’t mean to run from you after, honestly they didn’t hear you. He watched as you put the tray down on the nearest table, balancing it on the books littering the surface. Marlene takes a few steps towards you while you are distracted, hoping to salve something.
“It’s really not what it looks like -” She starts to explain but you harshly interrupt her, standing stick straight and holding your wand at your side.
“If you get any closer to me im going to hex you through that fucking window.” You raised your arm holding the wand towards the window that had an unobstructed path out to a deadly drop. Everybody stopped moving at the new tone they had never heard come out of your mouth. For a moment they stopped breathing, not knowing what else you were going to do. Quickly catching onto this tension you briskly walked out of the room, ignoring the desperate calls coming from the boys behind you.
A/N: MUAHAHA ITS A 3 PARTER. I gotcha. Nah this part got away with me and before I knew it it was 1k words longer than the other part lol. No promises part 3 won't take just as long or longer but it will come eventually, thank you for reading!
CW: Angst, a really bad prank idea by the one and only marauders, deep author self insert disguised as an x reader lol, reader is mentally and physically...unwell. Marijuana use, ooc Lily n gang
AN: My first writing post in *checks timeline* 3 years? yeah I was bored during work and thought of this. there will be a part 2!! lmk what you think!
For a while you can hold your tongue. The words going through your head dying in the filter from your brain to your tongue. The whispers around you either go unheard on purpose or your head is just so full with other things. "Saw Sirius with a random snake in the courtyard yesterday." Insults hurled in your direction are brushed off, not to say they didn’t hurt. It is mostly late at night, at the top of the astronomy tower with weed in your system that they cut the deepest. During the day you can hold your boyfriends’ hands and let it all bounce off your back. They can hold you when it gets too rough, when the whispers break through your barricades. "Remus was seen studying with marlene McKinnon last night...late!" Many sleepless nights they have spent assuring you that you are enough for all of them, and you don’t need to act any more like somebody to earn their love, it is given because you are you. The only thing it really succeeded in is making you feel was guilty for making them lose sleep on a weeknight. However, you could only stay for so long before they walked you back to your tower, Minnie would take 100 points from Ravenclaw if she caught you in the Gryffindor tower after hours, James said. Not that they have snuck you up recently to quell these worries, it feels like months since you have seen the inside of their (somehow comfier) dorm.
Today, the wall you have built has crumbled by lunchtime. The boys were nowhere to be seen at breakfast, despite you staying 5 minutes past at the great hall doors to see if they would come running down. Usually this wasn't unusual for Padfoot, ever the oversleeper, and even sometimes for Moony. But with a quick mental check you confirmed it wasn’t near a full moon, and made a note to try and ask in potions. The only class you have with the boys, except moony because the wanker takes advanced potions. Your leg shook the entire way through astronomy (where you double checked it wasn’t near a full moon) and hands shook the entire way across the castle to potions. Unfortunately, you were paired with a housemate for this assignment because it was worth a substantial part of your mid-year scores. Through the whole class you never felt their eyes on you once. You could feel their stare across the castle, but the entire 90 minute class from 3 feet away you didn’t feel them once. Multiple times you looked at them and willed them to look at you for even a second but they never looked up. When the class ended, you packed your bag as quickly as possible to catch up with them but they were already halfway out the dungeon by the time you looked up. Now you were suspicious they were avoiding you. The whispers crawled back into your brain from earlier after breakfast when you were waiting for them desperately.
“..and I saw them with her in the courtyard,” some hufflepuff murmured to her friends that you couldn’t quite make out behind the pillar, “Yeah her. Looked…intimate” and she flourished it off with giggles that weakened your defensive walls. At lunch, they were there (well James and Sirius) for about 5 minutes before running off before you could even walk up and greet them. After they walked out, Lily, Marlene, and Mary walked into the hall. Prong’s mouth split into a brilliant, heartbreaking smile when he saw Lily as he walked out. He stopped in his tracks and talked to her as Sirius kept walking, and she stopped and talked back. Her bright hair glowing in the sunlight let in by the large stained glass windows. His eyes bounced all over her, from the strand of hair that sat slightly up on her shoulder, the light in her eyes, the way her hands stayed folded and her stance firm and confident. Something stirred in your gut as you watched the whole scene and his eyes didn’t meet yours once. His eyes never ricochetted over you like that, he never smiled like that when you walked into a room. Your heart started to twist and prick at your sinuses. Your defensive walls imploded, a sharp pain forming behind your eyes. Waiting until James finally left you decided to ditch the rest of your classes and replenish your personal stock. Your feet carried you to madame pomfrey’s paradise, the smell of antiseptic invading your senses. Calm footsteps coming from the mother figure’s office approached you paired with a knowing sigh.
“Are you here to re-stock? You are using more than usual” she said with a hint of disappointment, “If you up your use anymore I'm going to have to force you to fill out a chart.”
“I’m not here for that, I have some left,” You let out a small smile, tapping the breast pocket of your robe. “Do you have any draught of peace?” Pomfrey paused, studying you before considering her next words carefully,
“Do you need the unction too?” A beat of silence passed before a chuckle escaped your lips.
“Not yet, but I will keep you updated.” She nodded and disappeared into the storeroom, quickly coming back out with 2 bottles.
“You know better than to take both, but I still have to tell you to be careful and take breaks between sips. If you start to get dizzy come straight to me.”
“Yes mom-”
“Stop calling me that” she interrupted your (very old) bit.
“Yes ma’am” you said jokingly, straightening up and putting your hand to your forehead like a military sergeant. Immediately wincing in pain at the pain shooting up your spine, she started towards you to see what happened but you stopped her and took the bottles out of her hand. “I have more of those too and yes I will take it as soon as I get back.” She simply smiled and waved you off.
“Go back to class”
You were never one to do what people told you, you thought as you made your way back to Ravenclaw tower. Thankfully the riddle was simple, as the draught was already making your brain a little fuzzy. Perhaps you forgot how strong this potion was, you hadn’t had to take it in months. Usually your coping methods allowed you to use minimal help with your emotional control and perception but things felt like they were getting out of control. In the fuzz, you decided to try and get the information out of the one boy that hasn’t been obviously avoiding you. The trek down to the kitchens was less so with the cloud over your mind. This draught was nice, it gave the effect of smoking without the coughing and hassle of finding a place to do it. The elves looked at you funny as you asked if they had any chocolate scones or biscuits but you really don’t care what you had to do in trade for them. Cleaning the ovens on the weekend doesn’t seem too bad.
With the help of the potion, you force hope into your heart as you approach the fat lady. Sucking in a breath you muttered the passcode Sirius had given you at the beginning of the relationship. When the frame swings open you half scoff at the un-changing passcode and at the fact the passcode was even the right one. You hate that part of your brain that gets so distrusting of them so quickly. Maybe it was right though, because the sight beyond the frame made you want the throw the tray at their heads trickshot style.
Lily, Marlene, and Mary are sitting in the boy’s laps, one in each. Hands all over each other, books stacked up on the table, quills untouched. Only positive was that Marlene wasn't completely on Remus's lap, just on the arm of the chair. So Remus wasn’t feeling bad, reasoning #1 is bad. Nothing about this has to do with you, judging by the deer in headlights look each of them have. So it is not them planning a date for you, reasoning #2 gone. And they are not studying or crying so this closeness is not justified. Reasoning #3 gone. The cloud over your brain starts to thunder. An orchestra of lip popping and fire crackling sounded out as they tried to find any words for their position. At least Remus and Sirius had the decency to push the girl’s off their laps and look like kicked puppies.
“You aren’t supposed to be here” Lily said dumbly, still sitting on James’s lap and looking at me owlishly.
“And you aren’t supposed to be on my boyfriends lap” you snapped, watching James flinch at the bite in the tone.
“Let’s not get there love” James tried, standing up and making Lily fall off of him with a yelp. It took a lot of strength to not smirk at that.
“I have ‘been there’ since you and Sirius ran from me after potions. Now is a very different thing.” Your hands stayed clenched around the handles of the tray, as you took a deep steady breath (on the outside, on the inside you were losing it very fast). Quickly you put the tray down on the nearest surface to you before you started hurling the innocent pastries.
“It’s really not what it looks like.” Marlene starts, standing up and starting to close the distance between you two.
“If you come any closer to me I am going to hex you through that fucking window” You pointed at the window to the left of the fireplace, the only one free of books and random artefacts. The words felt thrown from your mouth, like you didn’t control them. You knew it was what you were thinking, but usually you would never let that escape. A gasp came from somebody in the room, you couldn’t tell who the source was. The only thing you could hear was the voice in the back of your head saying you were in fact never enough for them. The only thing you could see was James’s smile as he talked to Lily in the great hall today. Quickly you regained your composure and borderline ran out of the room. Voices echoed through the common room and into the hall after you but you didn’t process them. Blood rushed through your ears and your legs just started carrying you towards an unknown destination. 2 years of promises rang through your ears, both from your 3 loves and their friends. Who have been witness to some of the darker nights. Who have no doubtly heard the rest of my worries secondhand from the boys. Who still did this. You knew that if you had stayed more would have been said, things you couldn’t take back. As much as you want to go back and throw things, and hex them, and yell at them you can’t find the energy to. It won’t be productive nor get anywhere positive. Your legs stop working at the top of the astronomy tower stairs, the items in your breast pocket start sounding like the best idea you have had all day. Sitting against the wall, you position yourself to have a full view of the courtyard as the bells for the last class ring. The yard fills with waves of students going back to their rooms or their study spots before dinner. Among the masses you spot familiar mops of hair, frantically dodging and shoving students out of their way.
You faintly remember an argument you had last year after they had used the map to find you after a meltdown. You had spent a week mad at them, they had invaded your privacy and your specific request for some time to cool down. You had even threatened to break up with them over it in a heated argument. Explaining to them how your brain works, and how to possibly help next time, it slowly got better. They spent a month spoiling you after you had said you forgave them.
Thank Rowena you didn’t step forward towards the railing, you think as you see Remus angle his head upward and look up towards the tower. You took a lighter and a joint out of your robe pocket, flicking it and lighting the heavenly objects. The pain from before stays embedded in your spine, the stone floor and the stress not helping. Now to see if they remember where they found you the last time, an unintentional test but one all the same.
You wish you took up Pomfrey's offer.
Thank you for reading! this is now edited! yes somethings changed from the og post of this because when I was writing pt 2 I had to re word some things for clarity sakes.
Shout out to all the Black ppl that can no longer participate directly in the fandom they love because of the stresses of racism 👍🏾 you contain multitudes of value and I'm sorry that the color of your skin and the power of your voice makes people not want to acknowledge that.
Genuine anger, not the petty shit he throws at you when he decides he wants to be an obnoxious turd to yourself or his brother.
You can tell the difference, too, because a petulant pout and attitude is plastered on that pretty face of his, but when he’s genuinely mad, there’s no attitude; it’s just raw emotion and lips pulled in a straight line, his chest giving irregular, short breaths because he can’t breathe. It’s almost scary, but it happens so little that you’ve learned to manage it when it does happen.
This is one of those rare occasions you have no clue which he’s feeling.
The car door outside slams shut, sending a nervous chill up your spine, but it’s immediately squashed when you hear Hisako’s innocent laughter. You smile and turn towards the now opening door, and you give atsumu a fake, sympathetic look when his thick brows are furrowed in frustration. On his leg, Hisako’s tiny arms are wrapped around him, her legs locked around his ankle and her smile that’s missing a tooth is beaming up at him.
“You,” he scolds, looking down at his menace of a six year old. “Go upstairs. And don’t come out until you’re seventy-eight.”
“Can I hug mommy first?”
“If you must,” he growls. With that, Hisako quickly bounds over to you and reaches her arms up for a hug, and while you give her one, you watch as Atsumu paces the floor, cards his hair, chews on his cuticles, anything to make him calm down.
“Daddy’s mad,” she whispers in your ear.
You offer her a snort, “I know.” With a kiss to her head you plant her back to her feet and nudge her to go into her room, waiting until to door closes before you turn back to your husband.
“Atsumu-“
“I’m not ready for this,” he growls. “The little traitor, I can’t believe she’d do this to me- my own flesh and blood.”
“Don’t word it like that, you make it sound like she committed arson or something.”
He softens and pouts like a dog; clearly, whatever it is, it’s taking a toll, and you sigh before you walk over and plant a kiss to his forehead. “Whatever it was, I know it wasn’t on purpose; what happened?”
“She’s just not ready, okay, she just doesn’t know-“
“Sweetheart, you need to let me in here-“
“He was holding her hand!” He whines, scrubbing his face with his hands. “They-They-They were holding hands! I thought I had a few more years to prepare for this shit! Wanted to wait before I put the fear back into these damn boys! I can’t fight a six year old!”
You pause. You retract your hand and give him an absolute smirk.
“You’re kidding me?”
“Sure ain’t!” He barks, crossing his arms over his chest. He’s so mad his forehead vein makes itself known with a sheen of sweat. “Tomorrow, I’m going to that damned school, and I’m moving her classes!”
“Honey,” you say sweetly, gently grabbing his arm to ground him. “It’s okay; I’m the one who told her to be nice to this boy.”
Instantly, his head whips in betrayal. His eyes are blown wide, muscles tense and despite how angry he looks, he can’t find the words to convey it.
“YOU WHAT?”
You shake your head, “she asked me why she feels butterflies in her tummy when she sees him.” To try and soothe him, you hook your head over his shoulder and bat your eyes innocently, “and I told her that it’s the same feeling I get when I see you-“
“Don’t try to be sweet, I’m mad at you,” he snarls, but there’s a softness in his eye that makes you think he’s not as serious as he thinks he comes across. A massive hand cards through his hair and he looks up to the sky as if to ask for patience. “I can’t believe this. My two babies, the loves of my life, betraying me in such juvenile ways.”
“Atsumu, spell juvenile,” you challenge.
“Spell ‘no’,” he grumbles. You sigh and gently grab his arm to pull him to the couch, and for a few seconds he puts up a small fight, but does end up giving into you in the end.
“Sweetie, listen to me,” you soothe. “Hisako is six. She’s going to start having little crushes soon enough-“
“Fuck, stop reminding me,” he whines.
You shake your head and rub a soothing hand on his back. “And all we can do is let her express those feelings in healthy ways; it’s what we’ve always done.”
“What if he hurts her?”
“He’s six.”
“What if he breaks her heart?”
“I’m sure she’ll cope.”
“What if he-“
“Atsumu.” Your hands squish his cheeks. “Calm down; she’s going to be okay.” You smile and kiss his pouted lips, “you remember what it was like having a crush at school-“
“Excuse you,” he grumbles from his squished cheeks, shaking his head from your grip. “I’ve only ever been in love with you.”
“You’ve told me about your relationship with Rintaro, trust me, that was a crush.”
“Was not!”
“Was too.”
“Was not!”
“It absolutely was.” You smile warmly, “and that’s fine. But now, you need to let her experience the same thing. She’s a big girl. Besides,” you nudge your nose with his, “you’ll always be her favorite man.”
“That’s actually Osamu, but I appreciate it.” Your words do seem to calm him down however, and he wraps a big arm around you to settle into the couch, “I just love her, baby… just want her to be safe.”
“I know; and she will be.”
The silence you get comfortable in gets interrupted by the door to your home getting flung open, and while you jump in the air in shock, next to you, Atsumu chuckles.
“Speaking of the devil.”
“What did you-“
Before you can say anything, Miya Osamu suddenly stands in the middle of your living room, the hat on his head tampered with and his apron turn on his hip, his head lined with sweat as if he ran here. Your jaw slacks in surprise, “Osamu, you did not leave work to come here-“
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