I know things have been a little dry as far as new posts have gone, well, there’s a lot of reasons for this. We have been working constantly on Sanity Within Dystopia, it is time consuming, but it’s been a very good distraction from the current situation. Having so many ideas for the story, and so close to finishing the next section of pages. I have been avoiding a lot of social media and any kinds of news outlets for my own mental health. Which, is another point I really need to make here.
I started out strong, like, thought I was gonna be just fine, I’ve been through hell before, making jokes like usual, but things started to make a turn as it all dragged out. I am having recurrent panic attacks, frequent and extreme mood changes, and insomnia and nightmares. One day I’m flying high, next moment I’m knocked back into the ocean and drowning in depression. I wake up feeling like a different person every day it seems. This is all stuff that I thought I was working out, but stress brought it back out again. I moved, I cut out as much as I could that stressed me out, I thought I was making myself better, but I just can’t keep AVOIDING things that make me stressed my whole life.
Yeah, this isn’t a first ride on this terrible train, I’ve been here before, on and off for years.
I had some help from a friend who experienced trauma as well, and I learned a lot about myself and why I act the way that I do, and I started to understand things better, I did untangle a lot of wires, but my brain is really doing it’s own thing a lot of times.
I’m currently in the process of getting help for myself, I should have done this years ago, but a lot of circumstances prevented me from being able to, and I’d also have periods of time where I felt like I was just fine, so I was in denial that anything was actually wrong. I just needed to suck it up and keep going, right?
I turned myself into thinking, I really want to help other people that are in pain, I really liked that I could have that effect with my art, especially Ichabod. It became a bit of a burden for me though, because I’m not always feeling well enough. I thought, it made me useful, I was helping, but when I wasn’t able to make any for a while, I felt useless. You notice if you look at how I posted them up in bursts usually, it was definitely only when I was in a good enough mood I could do it. It’s hard to be a happy little optimistic dog when you aren’t feeling so…optimistic.
I can’t burden myself so much with it, because I myself, am like the people I was trying to help. I can’t help heal when I need to be healed.
I know with the way things are, it’s going to be a lot harder to get help with this, I’m afraid I’m going to be trapped this way for a little while, but I’m trying my best. I’m focusing on my favorite comic, and my relationship with my partner and best friend. It’s going to be rough, and I’ll feel like I’m breaking, but we just have to keep riding through it together, we made it this far already.
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