These are the poems I wrote for him.
I met him almost three years ago. I still remember the cold November air and his yellow coat that day. He is one of the most beautiful people Iāve ever met, and for a while I thought maybe we would end up together. These are the poems I wrote about him- the first half are the poems I wrote in 2014, the second half the poems I wrote in 2016 when he and I met again.
Part I. two thousand and fourteen
She closed her eyes, held back a smile
And though she did not know-
Though there were miles and miles
And days and nights to experience first
A quiet voice,
Just the tiniest voice
Spoke up inside,
side by side
in a crowded car
our arms touched and
i felt it in every inch
of my silent soul
smiling out the window
voices fading into the background,
just you and me, barely touching
my eyes on the horizon,
my heart in flames.
He leaves
For days and days
Always, always
Keeps me waiting
Iāve given up on him
A thousand times
Just to run right back
With a ready smile
I cry by myself
Soaking deep in his silence
And then I laugh and sigh
When he comes back with a smile
I wish I could stop,
Wish I knew what he was doing
I canāt read his thoughts
I donāt know what heās thinking
I donāt know what to do
I donāt know what to say
As I wonder how much more
I can possibly take.
[i wrote this in London :) ]
He has this way
When he smiles
He tilts his head slightly to the side
And looks inquiringly into my eyes
And thinking of it now
I can barely stay inside this car
I want to run into the sunlit street
Fling my hands in the air and
Dance
Dance for the joy of knowing him,
For the joy of being the one
He is trying to figure out.
I put away the t-shirt you gave me today
Top shelf of my closet
I guess itās me saying
For now, I know that
We donāt work
But maybe someday
I will say differently.
I canāt say it meant much, just your average
Hopes soaring, hopes crushed
A handsome face with a shy smile and deep brown eyes
I thought he was going to be
Different
I thought he was going to give me a
Chance
I thought he wanted to
Know my heart, know who I was
Underneath the outer layers,
Peeled back to the raw soul
Those three months are simply wind chimes now-
An ancient, wistful song
Trickling through
The noise of busy days and stuffed calendar pages
I canāt hear his voice in my ears so much anymore
I canāt say that Iāve shed tears
I canāt say that I put my whole heart into him
He said to me,
āDepth over distance,ā
But he never showed me the depths of what his heart contained
And the distance grew each day,
Silence stacked
A thousand and seventy
Miles high
Except for-
The one night
The one night I could write songs about
The one night I will remember forever
He came just before eight
It was cold that night and he was nervous
We went outside by a small fire
He sat so far from me and
Into the quiet flames he gazed
He opened up his fearful heart
And trusted me with
A glimpse into
The struggles he faced,
The people who have hurt him,
The girl who broke his heart
I sat, breathless, eyes wide at the fragile truths he breathed into my honored eardrums
I showed him little pieces of my heart, too,
And for a silent second
In the April air
I felt our souls lift
Out of our bodies
And meet, mid-air
He looked at his watch and
We were late
We ran to his car
My teeth chattered in the cold
Like silly nutcrackers
And he offered me his scarf to stay warm
In the car we drove
Laughing
We talked about country music
He teased me
And my cheeks burned
When he used my first name,
āOh, Katherine,ā
He said
And I sucked in my breath, heart pounding like a runaway horse
Staring out the window in his car at empty, nighttime city streets
Feeling perfectly placed
Next to him
At the church
We stood side by side
Silence so thick
You could taste it
Glorious, gold candlelight
Glowing through the impending darkness
I looked up to the Lord
And I thanked Him with all the thankfulness
In my toes and arms and teeth and shoes
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
And we stood solitary
Until he turned and embraced me
With that innocent smile
And a warm touch
My heart melted
Months of icy snow-caps
All in a single embrace
That night I could have sworn
We were onto something
For when he walked me to my door
He said,
āUntil next time,ā
And I thought I saw something flicker in his eyes
Something that made my knees weak
As I closed the door, breathed out a deep sigh, smiling like a naive child,
All I could say was
āOh, my, oh, my.ā
It isnāt long
Until the person you were falling for
Starts to forget about you
And you can feel it in the air, all around you
In your silent phone that refuses to ring
Then it feels like two years.
Hopes compressed
Into a now-tight chest
I close my eyes and let plans and people and poems and pretty moments swallow me
I practice the art of letting go
I pretend not to care
That you are gone
I try not to feel stupid
That I got so excited
I refuse to dwell on nagging questions
Such as
Did I do something wrong?
Iāll never have the answers to my questions
For only you hold the key
And my pride keeps me silent
My common sense keeps me from reaching out,
From searching for a way to start a fire
In a drenching rain storm
But even in the monsoon, I canāt help but wonder
How is it
That you donāt care
After that night?
The final night
Of your voice echoing
In the melting rays of twilight
Spilling lazily under the hills and valleys
I watched the colors grow
From pale gold to deep indigo
I searched for you within the stars
A last flare to light up a long-lonely sky
But I didnāt find anything
Just a quiet ache between my heart and my stomach
I havenāt quite digested your absence yet
But maybe when I wake up
The birds will sing louder
The sun will bathe me in her radiant light
And within the beauty around me
Sprinkled generously with a warmth like melted gold
And Iāll drive the miles back to my home
Leaving you in the hills where we said goodbye.
Part II. two thousand and sixteen.
I.
It all started with his dark brown eyes
And the way he looked at me from the crowd when I was up on stage
I smiled back at him,
Giddy and nervous,
Surprised that someone so handsome would notice me
Why have I always been so cruel to myself-
So dismissive and discouraging?
āHe will never like you,ā
Says a harsh, cold voice in my head
And when he does
It feels like it isnāt real-
Like a package delivered to my house
For the neighbor next door
My hands always shake
My stomach always twists into a heavy knot
That keeps me awake night after night
Scared that he will find out that Iām
Not really worthy of him and his beauty
II.
I see us in the coffee shop
And you are mostly so kind and such a gentleman
But when I share sheepish compliments with you
You just sit there smiling blankly, soaking it all in
It seems a bit strange
For you didnāt have many sweet words to share back
And I sink into my seat
Feeling small compared to your glory-
The glory I assigned you
While I was preoccupied with my own unworthiness
I find it a little bit ironic
That the time you gave me the most attention
Was in the year and a half I had forgotten you
I was wrapped up in falling for other bleak hearts
Making them into masterpieces
Myself, the master artist-
Chipping away at flaws and dysfunction
To find beauty and glory
I created it in others-
The missing pieces I could not find in myself
For I was too busy giving them away
And when I reached for my own
There was nothing left.
III.
I want to say Iām hurt by you but Iām
Not
Yesterday I was;
Your smooth tan skin
Your thick strong hands and dark eyes
And the way you smile at me and hug me twice so tightly and let your hands linger on my waist
then disappear into the airport to catch your flight and
Disappear from my life
Weāve done this before, havenāt we?
Leaving each other in airports and on planes
Empty promises that lead nowhere
You wanted to take a picture with me but I donāt know why youād want to remember this
When I can already feel you forgetting about me
Iām not capable of what this would call for-
Waiting and praying for you to wake up and see me as beautiful and worthy of your love and
Worthy of trying your best to be with me
Of trying to overcome distance and fear and old scars from your past hurts
I canāt I canāt I canāt be that
I wonāt be that
I wonāt hold my head under the water til my lips are blue
Wonāt put my hands in the fire and let myself feel the searing burns and blisters
Your heart is reckless and your heart is afraid
You speak to me in a voice that sounds almost like love
But itās not
And I donāt hold that against you,
Wonāt let it stop me from forgiving you
Iāll always stubbornly see the beauty in you
I just
Canāt
Do
This
Anymore
Three years later and -
this is goodbye.
every time i see those pictures of you
all i can think is,
ānot mine. not mine. not mine.ā
i donāt know if itās because
itās been a week and
we still havenāt talked
and it feels like you donāt care
it feels like youāre not trying
and that makes me feel scared
or if maybe through this all
iāve come to realize that you arenāt mine and you were never mine and
if you were
you would have come for me
somewhere in these three years between us.
I have been
Dry heaving
And drinking coffee all week
So nervous
So twisted up
So excited
So hopeful
So terribly afraid and
Vulnerable
So fragile and jittery
So quavery, alive
In my fingertips and toes and my wide eyes
I want you but
I donāt know if you want me.
The only thing that hurts worse than
Knowing that he doesnāt care
Is knowing that
He does.
we talked
last night
my eyes are still puffy this morning
from crying
maybe one day youāll regret it
and maybe one day this will all change
but i donāt see that
and i know that
letting you go was
the best thing for me to do
it
h u r t s
today
and not because you told me you canāt be with me-
it hurt when you said you loved me
it hurt when we both started crying
it hurt knowing you felt the same
even after these three years
i donāt know what to do
and i donāt know how to let you go
i just know that,
i love you so deep and
i truly and sincerely hope that
you will be happy.
prguitarman
stormborns
yousharknotpass
blakekathryn
dailybridgerton
ellievsbear
turnnoffyourmind
