Implicitly Sad

{she/her|| 21} Living and breathing shouldn't be as hard as it is. Thinking shouldn't hurt like it does. Writing shouldn't scream louder than my voice. But words are all we have....so here's a digital diary of mine

[implicitlysad]

It's a shitty feeling

And there's no elegant way to put it

Knowing the things I'd do for you

Knowing that you're my every waking thought

Knowing that you're probably the most important person in my life

While knowing that as much as I mean to you

Protecting her feelings was worth hurting me and loosing me

It's such a stark reminder that we never were anything

And tomorrow when someone asks, you have two ex's and I'm not one of them

And I knew this one guy I might have been in love with

[implicitlysad]

Somedays I miss you a lot

So much so, that the air I breathe grows heavier

And my chest feels like lead

And then my mind wanders to the next time we might cross paths

And how tight I'd hug you

And how I might not let go

I miss you in the way I hope to meet someone new soon

In my head the someone is still you

I miss you with the guilt of not having said anything sooner

And in looking back at the first time I met you and all the wasted time in between

I miss you with the sadness of what I could have had

And in the relief of saying "in another life"

[implicitlysad]

Authors note:

Seeing me write so many different takes about the same situation must be confusing

I too am confused

[implicitlysad]

Water under the bridge

Is what I'll tell you it is.

But it stings, even a whole year later and inspite of a lot more love in between

"You can forgive but you can't forget"

And oh whichever philosopher said it knew well

I close my eyes and in unmatched clarity the scenes play like it was yesterday

The most pathetic I ever felt: when I begged you, for weeks, to come back to me.

The smallest I ever felt: when SHE told me, which she had every right to knowing she too was hurting, that you and I never had anything between us.

The most ashamed I ever felt: when I pleaded with HER for a moment with you so I could apologize

The loneliest I ever felt: standing at your door realizing I'm the only one who ever was that'd protect me, that can keep me safe

You see, I've always felt safe around you, safer than I do by my lonesome.

When you pulled me closer as a crowd of men walk by, and when you keep me on the safer side of the street, and when you're ready to get your feet down and hands on the handle if I waver.

And inspite of it all in that moment when I was hurt and vulnerable and being subjected to words that cut wounds I'm sure are still visible, I was on my own with you by her side.

My heart today pines and trusts and finds warmth in you, but my mind replays life like an old tape stuck in loop.

The heart may forgive but the mind never forgets.

And yet when my eyes meet yours, I'm weak and I'll say "it's water under the bridge"

[implicitlysad]

I always picked on you

Pointed out flaws

I was a bit mean

But what was I to do?

When I knew you'd always be a bigger part of my life than I was of yours?

When everyone who knows me, knows you and how I feel about you?

I couldn't give you the satisfaction of also knowing how much I cared.

It's too embarrassing to admit how much you meant to me when I was sure I didn't mean half as much to you.

[implicitlysad]

You asked me why I like you.

The answer to me somedays feels easy and somedays oh so complicated

The short hand one is how I explain it to everyone else: I feel safe around you

The longer one is why feeling safe is the hardest part about liking you

I don't feel safe, atleast not around people, maybe sometimes when I'm on my own.

You changed that. Not right off the bat of course. But you changed that.

There are things I like about you that I'm sure I can find subsets of people for.

But the rarity of it always boils down to the same for me. You managed against quite a lot of odds to make me feel safe.

You built deeper roots everytime you wanted to hear my thoughts, good and bad.

I've been told time and time again how important a filter is. And with you my arms weren't melting trying to hold it up.

I saw you as a part of me, I could voice every thought, however silly, however mean, however embarrassing.

Not overthinking every word around you made me feel safe.

It took hold of soil, everytime you had an eye out on the street.

Womanhood has trained me to be wary and cautious, and knowing you're looking over my shoulder, further than I am, lightened my shoulders enough to slouch against you.

The veiny fibers grew stronger everytime you voiced your affection for one of my insecurities.

I'll never know how many you praised consciously and how many unknowingly

But in those moments I felt safer around you than around myself.

So the answer still stands quite simple: I feel safe around you

But the weight of it only explained by the fact that I haven't found anyplace else that feels as safe as you do.

Maybe that's why I always felt a certain childish charm around you.

Maybe because you let me be the kid I didn't have the safety to be.

I can surely if I went searching find someone who looks like you, and talks like you. Someone with the same fire in their eyes to prove themselves and someone just as selfless who hides behind their acts of service.

But where do I find someone who makes me feel safe? When it wasn't one of your pen to paper character traits but you in yoir voice and your presence and your history and your softness who made me feel safe.

[implicitlysad]

And when I need you the most.

I'll make sure, for you and for me, that I don't pick up that phone

And when we are finally ready to let go,

I promise I will look the other way, so we don't change our minds

And when I see you a few years from now,

I vow to never mention what was, and to greet you as an old friend

I think it's time we both put down that bottle of ink

And time we put out that last cigarette

It's time we burn down the idea of someday if it's meant to be

And finally give up and accept defeat

[implicitlysad]

I doubt I'll ever learn to see people for who they are.

For I'm eternally frozen in who they were.

So I make it an act, I play out the script as I've seen others do

Is this what I say? Is this how I am to sigh?

In my need and poisoned intent to be who they wish to see

I'll make myself pleasant and make myself soft

I'll be who you want me to be, knowing it's not for long

I'll be who you want me to be, till I don't recognize me at all

[implicitlysad]

Be a supportive friend.

I told myself over and over again.

As I read the words he wrote raving about this wonderful girl

She was charming and pure, she was picked right out of a Nicolas Sparks book

And I should be a given an Emmy if not an Oscar

For how I told him how sweet it was and how I want it to work out

While my mind replayed our first kiss on his terrace

For I told him to be patient and kind and hopeful

As I remember the time this excitement of his was a piece I had

I read words describing the park he ran in for her

Same one I woke up early to wake him up to go to

I read words of how he'd stay awake with her

Remembering how often I wasn't worth the hiccup

I hear how he couldn't wait to see her tomorrow, blushing red and in love

And I remember him at my doorstep, excited and sweaty

But worst of all I heard him say how she must forgive him

For a night that was so much to me, rewritten in one minute as a mistake

[implicitlysad]

I don't think he knows

That when I see him, I dont see the boy who hurt me

I see the man who taught me how to feel safe

I see the man who taught me to be vulnerable

I remember him for how he'd kiss my forehead at night

And I remember him with the wide smile as he stood on his balcony

I remember how he held me and I remember what I saw in his eyes

And I'll always trust what I chose to see over what he chose to show

I hope he knows how I see him someday

[implicitlysad]

The heartbreak of leaving a home you’ve made, a love you'll lose

Writing off many futures in the blink of an eye, for unpredictable stories of youth

Walls of houses you won't be seeing again, still cold on your fingertips

Backs of friends you wont hug again, still warm on your palms

The streetsigns you'll soon forget still bright under neon lights

To make new stories with faces you havent yet met

The heartbreak of leaving home is the price you pay

For dreams you haven't painted yet

[implicitlysad]

He shaved.

That's all it took to make me smile

It's always the small considerations

I don't want you to bring down the moon,

Or drive across the continent,

Or tell me big words.

I like that he shaved before meeting me,

I like that he wore a cute outfit,

I like that he played me something he was working on.

It's always the small considerations

Letting me play songs I really want him to listen to,

Staying a little later than he had planned to,

Letting me hold his hand for a few minutes.

Of what I'll remember of the night and what I won't, I'll always remember :

He shaved.

[implicitlysad]

I know we don't have long

And I know going down this road is gonna hurt

But I felt so safe when he kissed my head thinking I was asleep and buried his head in my hair

And I felt so calm when he held me in the morning asking for a few more minutes of cuddles before I had to run out

When he called me just to make sure I made it to class on time, I forgot every hurtful word uttered

When he got his hands in front to steer when he saw me hesitate to turn, I knew he'd regained my trust

It's gonna hurt but I need to feel safe again

I need to feel warm again.

[implicitlysad]

You murmur the words, hoping the man behind the counter heard you

You pocket the small pink box, slide the notes across the counter with your eyes down

I feel a little sad, I feel a lot lonely

You wake up early, you race the sun to the morning start

You leave with it creeping over the horizon, cold air coaxing your tired eyes to rest

It's a little sad, it's a lot lonely

The unfamiliar bed keeps you awake, beside you he lays sound asleep

You count the grooves on the crown molding, waiting for his alarm to ring

It's a little sad, it's a lot lonely

You pass by the place you'd saved to go sometime with him

You walk in with a friend, feeling guilty but knowing the unkept word is a mere forgotten memory to him

It's a little sad, it's a lot lonely

You stare intently at her white coat, your cheeks burning red

Outside her room, your side the only one empty, your hands the only ones unheld

It's a little sad, it's a lot lonely

You see red spots, you feel your heart unreasonably heavy

You pull your hair out of your face, bent over the sink as the same sun shines its light into your empty room

I'm tired of lonely

[implicitlysad]

I almost cried

When we were in your car, and we talked about the scars on my arms for maybe the hundredth time

When your hand made it's way to my arm, and your thumb brushed against the protruding skin with feather-like softness

I almost cried at how gentle you were, at how kind your eyes were and how your voice softened in the quite car

You'd heard it before but your showed the same sadness you had the first time, I felt just as vulnerable.

I almost cried because someone saw me for how broken I was and how safe I felt inspite of it.

[implicitlysad]

The heaviness you feel when you're surrounded by carton boxes and see your life packed away

When you donate old clothes

When you clear the contacts you'll never use again

When u lock that door for the last time

When you take that train for the last time

Your last shower in that house

Checking under the bed and behind the fridge for anything left behind

The empty cupboards wiped clean for new stories

And keys taken out of your favorite Keychain

The weight is pleasant, familiar, and in all it's sadness - right.

[arcturux-deactivated20250228]

It pains me to carry such a sad soul when, at heart, I'm such a joyful person.