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12/6/24

Ahhh. Yet another post around death. I guess it's just a part of life?

On this day, we lost our sweet anchovy. The sweetest, most adorable lil bby has joined Claudio.

The last few days before it all were very tough. Maybe ill just rewind to when the battle started. It was in July 2024 when we noticed Anchovy wasn't eating, followed by an unbreakable fever that lasted for weeks. Eventually, we found the answer, and things got better. Even then, there was a new norm for you and we all learned how to navigate it together. You were such a champ and easy cat to care for when it came to these things, you took your meds without a fight. Even trialing FIP treatment, it was an easier process than most of the stories we heard.

As things were looking up, we went back to square one with ya not eating again. We found an ulcer and had to get you seen immediately. This time, answers were leaning towards the unfavorable side. Cancer, lympohma, and it all just did not look too good. I'm glad we crossed paths with a great vet at the ER, she laid it all out and helped us understand.

Weds night, we were able to bring you home. We got the living room all cozy for ya, and hung out with you every second. I dont think we left your side ever. I slept on the ground while your mama slept with ya on the couch. We'd wake up periodically to check on ya and admin the meds to keep ya comfy.

Thurs rolls around and this is basically the final full day we have with ya. We made calls to the vet telling them that it was time. They fit us in on Friday w/ Dr. B. A few weeks ago, a neighborhood photographer lost their dog and documented the last moments together. It inspired me to do the same as these moments are important capture. Often times, we just see too much good that no one documents the bad anymore. I'm glad I did it.

This last day with ya buddy was very hard. Life isnt fair at all and im so sad that this life dealt you the cards that it did. You dont deserve it. You were seriously just a baby. A kind, warm, soft, comforting lil dude. You were a weird one but you had a big heart. You loved both of us in your very own unique way, and thats something i'll never forget.

You jumping on my lap at the shelter was such a great thing to have happened. When we brought you home, it was like you already lived here. You integrated so well. You even were cool with hanging in the bathroom a few days as you got adjusted. The rest is history, but i'd definitely like to reflect so I dont forget the small details.

At the start, having ya in my life was different, in a good way. We were so use to all the things that claudio would do and with ya, ya did things so differently. Its funny that sometimes when you wouldn't come to bed, I'd just bring you over, and you'd be like ok, this is cool. Lizzy always pointed out so many similarities we both shared. Retrieval service is kinda similar to me in a way. I see it as ok, this is cool, it works, i'll go with the flow, which is quite similar to how I am at times. Your aura, energy, demeanor, and whatever, it was just calm, chill, and very grounding. Just like myself id like to think.

You were definitely different, as I've never met a cat that goes crazy over dry food and mangoes like you do. We'd call ya a tropical boi bc what cat eats mangoes lmao.

Sometimes in my life, things got hectic, stressful, and you were always there as a reminder that its ok to slow down and just chill. You were great at being such a chill dude. I think the cutest thing I remembered recently is during friendsgiving and how you were just out making rounds saying hi to everyone. You were just a part of all the lil circles and convos as if you were participating in the convo too. It was beyond cute to see. Everyone loved you man, all the homies coming over to sit ya, all the vets and staff too.

We fought really hard for ya man and did everything we could to ensure you had the greatest life. I know that adopting you was the best choice and I hope that we will meet again soon. You were so loved and I want to say thanks for being such a great and easy cat to love. You've set the bar high and no one will ever match ya bc everyone will be unique in their own ways. You've shown that to me and for that, I am super grateful to have been one of your humans.

I love ya lil anchovy pizza and thank you for everything. Physically you're not here anymore, it's painful and sad, but I know when the time is right, we will meet again. I can show you the tattoo I got whenever I see ya next. Until then, take care, no more cat fights, eat lots of mangoes, and dry food for us.

Love,

Your other mama <3

PS: this is something I saw long ago when claudio passed and it was sent to me by one of my friends responding to my story about ya anchovy. It's a beautiful poem about the rainbow bridge. It brings me comfort that we will meet again.

#personal

10/18 - See ya later Joe

Man, Idek how to start this. Maybe I can rewind from first hearing of this until the final goodbye/see ya later. Also so I don't forget, the burial date was 10/26. When I first learned of everything that happened, it was via facebook. I was added to a group named "Pray for joe" by Kevin. I was like oh fuck wth is this, and then I read the post. That shit had me shook. After some poking around, I found some articles and with your car attached. I was fucking devastated but also glad that you were able to be rescued. It was tough to read and hear about. I knew I needed to visit at some point. Luckily, I was in VA in jan since lizzy had a work trip and I tagged along. You wont believe it, but I finally committed to my first tattoo bro. I remember asking you about yours and how u handled the parents and you encouraged me to just do it, and rip the band aid off. I did exactly that. During the trip, I planned to come up to MD with lizzy and coordinated with Adrian so we can all go see you. We visited greg, but very briefly due to covid. We didn't want to risk having it and spreading it to ya while u were in a coma. Man... When we got to the hospital, It was hard. Prepping to see ya mentally man... like no one wants to see their homie in such a bad state. We saw you man, and id like to think you knew we were there. We saw a tear drop come out and roll down your cheek. It was good to know/think that you felt our presence but at the same time it was also very hard and sad man. It hurt is a good way to put it I guess. After that, we went to Sō and met up with Bambao for dinner. ---

Eventually, you were xported to GA for treatment. We were all rooting so hard for you man, trying to keep tabs on progress as soon as your sis posted it. I had very high hopes. Nerissa and other friends would txt/FT me to see ya and say hi. I remember one time when she did, as soon as you saw me and lizzy on the cam, you immediately cried. We were glad to see that you still remember us. I eventually talked to your sis and wanted to plan on visiting you during my trip back to VA for xmas.

---

10 months later from the crash, (I think crash was on 12/16 or 17), I see on FB that kevin posted an update. This was an update that I did not want to see. It was heavy bro. At the time, I was in class for a cert at work. It was so so hard to stay focused bc all I could think about was the heavy news. I was in shock and disbelief that this is real and would happen. I talk to cody, adrian, and Kevin about it and mostly just in big shock across everyone. I ask for updates from Kevin and later he texts me that you're gone and no longer in pain. That fucking broke me man. The, emotions, and tears would come in waves. Eventually we were all informed of the service and burial date. We started planning to come back to see ya off. Im going to mix in some personal journal/blog/recounting of things I did leading up to the big day. Weds night, we got in and tori came to pick us up. We got cookout and then headed to bed. Next day, LIDL run, love lidl man. The cookies and pastries are crack. Worked a bit/had class, and then in evening, I went to ronnies for a workout session. Hung out with him and nikki after and caught up a bit.

Fri: Did some light work/studying in the morning, and then coffee with swag girl. We walked the boardwalk after and that was nice. We went home, got ready, and then drove to the visitation. Lizzy and I opened the wrong door so we went around and sat ourselves behind devin, and Kevin. Looking around the room, everyone had the puffy eye look from you know, crying. After some words were said, it was time for visitation and your dad went around to ask the friends to say a few words. I think he mainly looked to the homies that he saw frequently during this past 10 months. I think I would've gone up but I didn't know what to say, and most of what was being said was exactly what I would've probably said too. It was so hard to sit and listen to because no one would ever think we'd have to do this for a friend at such a young age. I think the most memorable speech was the one from your cousin. It gave me the impression that you would invite him out to things but he didn't come? All in all, the big takeaway from that that stuck with me is: say yes, accept things, and do things even if you're not up for it. He worded it better, but it kinda is like similar to what I have on my main tumblr: "Live everyday like its your last." So kind of like accept invites, do things, create memories, etc. Its funny, a lot of our friends ended the speech with "its not a good bye but see ya later." It sucks though bc the see ya later wont be until like 60-70 or so years from now. I'm sure you'll come visit in our dreams and shit, but physically... that's a bit different now. I'm glad I went to see, and hear everyone. I'm glad I got to spend a second at your casket, as I felt like Saturday I wouldn't get the chance. So many ppl came out for you on Friday bro. It was amazing to see and I was shocked too. After that, the church mass began. Lizzy and I headed back so we can meet w/ becca. We ate at sakura and then had the fire + smores going after. I had a bento box, it was good, definitely stuffed me as I couldn't finish. After, all headed to bed as the big day was early. Sat comes and we pull up. Park, and brando parks in front of us. We all walk in together. Crazy to see so many familiar faces. Its been years. So many people came out for you dude, it was amazing. You've touched so many lives bro. The whole church was packed and ppl were overflowing into the hall. After the service, we jumped into the car to head to the burial site. Everything was happening so fast. Next thing you know, we pull up, find the tent, and then it started. Mai walked around trying to find some homies to help carry ya to the site. I jumped in. I'm so grateful Mai did that bc I think it means a lot to be a part of carrying your friend to where they're laying to rest. There were words that were said by the pastor, someone sang a viet song bro, and then your dad spoke. That shit was so hard, I can hear the pain in his voice. Same with your mom and sister from the previous day. That shit hit home because I know my dad would be the same. To see, and hear, the pain their going thru, it was heartbreaking. When it was over, we were handed flowers so we can all throw one into the hole :/ This was the farewell. This was so incredibly hard and sad man. After it was done, your mom stayed a bit bawling and speaking to you. It was such a sad sight. She is hurting so much man. We all stayed around too, we watched em close it up and such.

We popped over to your sisters place after to say hi, have some food and such. Man, the last time I was there, it was for your PTA grad man. It was weird bc you weren't there this time. I had my fave, the verm joint with the nuoc mam. The slideshow was so hard to watch. Eventually, we all took pics, and did a vcu one too. At this point, we were prepping to head out. I find your parents to say the "my condolences" thing but in viet. Your dad asked where I was coming from, I told him Chicago. He was like I'm from there, you were born there! Like he was excited and happy to tell me that. It was hard. I gave him and your mom a hug, it was incredibly hard. They're in pain man. I hugged your sis goodbye too and thank her for having us. She was offering us grapes and wouldn't take no for an answer lol. She used ya and said joe would want you to have this. We couldn't turn that down lol. They were incredibly good grapes too. We drove back to Lizzy's dads place. We had to make a pit stop for some ice cream and I think just some time to breathe for a second. I forgot the name of the place, but it was delish. Prob one of the best ice creams I've had. It was a bday cake type ice cream, but man it was like stringy when I pulled the spoon out. Idk how to describe it, but fuck, it fucked. We eventually made it to her dads, hung out, had some pizza and had the fire going. After that, we headed to ronnies to celebrate you and his bday. Its kinda crazy, the celebration on both spectrums. Born day and die day. Also, the uber driver there was a viet dude lol. Super chill guy.

At ronnies, it was jessie, katrina, sarah, luke, andy, danica, nikki, lizzy and I. It was the perfect amount of people. Not too overwhelming, and not like a college rager we use to throw. It was nice to catch up with everyone. We all sat around a table, telling stories, talking, drinking, and eating. Eventually, we did some karaoke-ing. Also, before we went to ronnies, lizzys dad sent us off w/ a box of sparklers and saying everyone would enjoy it. I was like psssh in my head cause tf we gonna do with sparklers lol. Turns out, everyone loved it and we went thru the whole box. At a point when it all died down, we all circled around the fire pit, just looking at the flames. It was quiet. It was weird. But I think we were all on the same page. The reality of it all settling in. We all headed back inside after ronnie extinguished it, and said hi to momo. Called an uber back since it was about that time to go. It was fun, great to see em, and this would've been exactly what you would've wanted and probably have done too.

Sun: Wake up, got ready for brunch, and then went to have brunch at this place on the water. It was nice but yeah idk.. too much after everything. Went home and got ready for a hike. Hiked a bit at first landing and then went home to pack and help lizzy cook dinner. On the menu was gumbo. We used okra that her dad grew, tori came over, it was chill. Her dad was hovering a bit, but what can ya do. Hes gonna do what he does I guess lol. After food, lizzy was ready to knock but her dad wouldn't take no for an answer so we stayed up a bit playing pictionary. Was fun but I was definitely ready to just knock and be in a bubble.

Mon: we flew home back to chicago, and then had some la boulangerie for lunch.

Just like that, the few days in VA and the big day was over.. Its weird, our lives will physically go on, but you wont be with us physically. I guess with that, that concludes my I guess recap of the days. Now to my thoughts and shit.. Yeah, its just weird. All of us will just continue and get back into the groove of things. Its weird bc I look around, and everyone's going about their shit, Halloween, trick or treating, etc. atm, Im mad, sad, and angry. It all comes in waves, and I guess that's just the process of grieving? Im happy/relieved that you are no longer in pain and suffering. I think from some pics in Atlanta, it felt like you were kinda saying, yo get me outta here. but you couldn't, you were stuck, trapped, in a body that was basically not yours or your home like that anymore. I know vickie shared with me that when it came to it, you'd want DNR and I'm glad that there is no longer any pain and suffering. Im angry bc of no closure and not knowing what really happened. If what happened happened, it makes me mad and sad at the same time. I understand, but yeah, idk. Its hard to process. Like why you, why those choices, why are you robbed of so many years that were ahead of you? But yeah I think that's it on the feelings that I'm feeling at this moment. Now, I want to say thanks.

Thanks for all the great memories. We go way back, and my earliest memory with ya is us making fun of the girlie possie, and we had a little theta hand symbol we'd throw up in pics lol. We went thru a lot of shit together man and honestly, when the time came to marriage. I definitely wanted ya as my best man bro. Over the years, I felt as if it was hard to decide on who bc being so far away, we didn't keep in touch like that. I was thinking maybe everyone would be a best man lmao. Its just so much to have it all fall on one person (speaking from experience).

Also, I always knew u care about the homies, but to hear lizzy and my sister tell me that u threw down or were ready to throw down bail money for me when I was at my lowest, that shit meant a lot to me. I don't think I ever had a chance to properly say thanks. I think so much was running thru my head after getting out that it was hard to take a step back and do so. Im glad we all went on the Chicago trip together. I don't think id be here today without that trip. Im glad you were open to trying new things, seeing new things, experiencing new things. I know you were mainly a hip hop head but you opened up to EDM, my interests, our friends interests, and you fucking went to moonrise with us man. Like its hard to do things like that and be out of your comfort zone, but you did it bro. You opened up to the idea of mushies and taking it on our hike with me. Things like that, I think is what I will try to carry with me and have your legacy live on. Being open to new things, kind to everyone, and just being an overall great person. Theres like no one I can think of that embodies that the way you do.

Also, you know whats crazy? When I look thru my photos, id say out of all the homies, I have pics and vids with you the most. Thats nuts. Lifes not going to be the same without you here man but I know you're around watching over us. Hell, we saw a ladybug during apple picking, and a bunch of times before and after the trip back home. I'll take that as a sign that you're around and were visiting us. But yeah man, I'm glad I had the honor of crossing paths with you in this lifetime, being homies, living together, and all of the experiences we shared. Everything id say are like core memories that I will carry with me forever. Thanks again, I'll have to catch ya up on everything when I see you next time. Until then, please watch over us. Enjoy some great food for us and we'll try to do the same too.

Love you brother. Summmmaaaaah!

Ps. crazy to think, idt ill be hearing swagboi as much anymore as you were the one that still calls me that out of our friend group. The others do, but not as much as you do lol

#joe #personal

8/28/21

Maaan its been a while since I’ve used this thing but I thought now would be a good time to do so.

Today marks an unforgettable experience in my life, one that is tied with so much pain/sadness but also I am relieved at the same time. We had to put Claudio down. I’ve only known this dude for 4 yrs and I never would’ve thought such a small lil dude can have such a big effect on me.

The days leading up to him passing were filled with so many ups and downs. We were fooled in thinking he was getting better only to see his BG numbers spike. It’d be constantly up and down for the span of a week since his hospitalization. We were happy we possibly had another chance with him but then we were faced with reality that Claudio’s life was just dealt an unfair card at the end. I would like to believe he’s older than we think so that may be tied to it as well.

To see this once joyful dude that was always in your lap, cuddling, purring, meowing at strange times throughout the day and night go from that to barely being able to walk, jump, function, get comfortable was truly truly heartbreaking. 24 hrs before he was fine, doing his normal things. 24 hours later, all of that was completely gone. The hard decision of putting him down was definitely an extremely difficult one but it was the right one and the best one after seeing him suffer and in pain and I know he knows that.

I’d like to reflect on the good memories and the great life lessons that he has taught me over the 4 yrs and have it all here as a reminder for myself. This will be all over the place but whatever. Claudio was such a sweet heart. After waking me up at 4/5 am every morning, I’d walk down the stairs in our O’hill house to give him his portion of his diabetic food. I’d go back upstairs to sometimes catch a few more mins of sleep or get ready for my workday. At the time, working the DA job was quite stressful and mentally draining. I’d come down to make my breakfast and he’d always be there in the kitchen with me or hanging out in the LR on top of the vent during the winters or just on the grey rug he loves so much. While I eat he’d always make it known he’s there in the room and get my attention by rubbing up against me or making sure I see him plop over onto the ground. When he plops, he wants something. Human touch, belly rubs, head scratches. It was the cutest thing ever and it was always like he was seeing me off to work and telling me to have a good day in his own way. It was always very comforting and put me at ease in the morning and calmed me down. It was relaxing and quite therapeutic; similar to meditation.

After my time spent in jail and during jail, all I could think of was being back with our little family that we have created. I got that. During xmas ‘19 when lizzy was home home and I was in RVA, I’d come over to feed him. Claudio was always good at being vocal when he was hungry but after that he’d be the sweetest lil boy ever. During that time there was so much in my head, feelings of uncertainty, scared, and afraid of the future. I tried my best to live all those days in the present moment and he was there to help. He was comforting at the times I needed him to be and again it also put every feeling I had of being scared away for any time I was spending with him. It was like him telling me it’s okay and things will get better even if I didn’t know the outcome.

Over the years I built a special bond with him, I loved this lil dude and I’m sure as hell he did too and saw me as family. It’s a great feeling and it’s sad that he won’t be around to see us on our new chapter. But like lizzy has mentioned, I think he held out for us. He knew this chapter was going to come and he came along with us. He made sure we got to where we needed to be and helped us settle in. Until he couldn’t hold out any longer, I am sure he knew it was time. It’s still unbelievable to me this lil dude hung out with us in the car 900-1000 miles away from our home. Away from his home. Now I don’t believe in god, but I do believe in a higher power, the afterlife, and shit so I know that he’s around somewhere up there able to feel our thoughts, emotions, and watch over us. So this is to you man, I love u lil claudio potato and just wanted to say thanks for everything. I hope Lizzy and I provided you the best love, care, comfort, life, and everything for the last 4-5 years because you sure as hell did.

Thank you again lil potato boy and we hope to see you again one day soon. Please be safe over the rainbow bridge, don’t forget all the cool times we had together, eat lots, and purr lots for us, you’ll have to introduce us to all your cool friends when the day comes.

-your annoying cat dad who loves to sing weird songs to you

Murry Chrimuh

Crazy how fast things change in a year. Well this is the first in four years that I’m not gifting stuff to Tracy, and planning for an anniversary and what not. It’s weird lol but it’s also nice. Just a thought.

But yo, im super happy with the gifts I got this year from Lizzy. Super thoughtful and super cute. I really dig the keychain she made me! It’s got 2 fingers crossed on it and 11:11 on the other two fingers. Made me super happy seeing her open her gifts and really like it. That smiles killer yo.

Today consisted of a haircut and meeting up with the old roommates for lunch. We ate @ loving hut out in falls church and the whole time eating, they wouldn’t stfu about how the foods vegan/vegetarian. I hope jessica doesnt feel bad or anything about her choice and how we’re limited to what she can eat when we go out to eat. Because i really dont mind eating vegetarian food since I grew up eating it like every other weekend. But yeah i got a tofu dish w/ rice and it was pretty good. I like the one I get @ grandmart a little better but its still good. Being with my roommates makes me really miss living with them. Cause now It’s just me and christian and that can get boring ish cause we dont always do the same thing whereas if it were jessica or arvin, they’d always be willing to do shit. One thing I wish i did more of when I lived with them was hanging out with them more or spending more roomie time together. We still hung out as roommates a lot but i feel like we could’ve hung out more lol. But yeah after eating, we did the SS gift xchange, Arvin got me and gave me a riverdale hat and massage ball. I got jessica and got her a salt lamp and earrings from her wishlist which i know she really liked cause she put those earrings on like asap after opening it.

2017, my jordan year, my unluckiest year ever is coming to an end soon thank god.

Break up

Mice Infestation

House Burning down

Getting phone stolen

Slicing knuckle open

Car Accident

Graduating and not knowing wtf to do with life

So ready to move onto the next year already, like I’m so done lol.

At dinner today, my parents told me to be careful until the end of this year since its my unluckiest year. They made me realize that 2018 will be the year of the dog, aka my chinese zodiac sign so hopefully it’ll be a lot better. Hopefully I can learn some damn massaging shit already so I can gtfo and find something with higher pay. Like this is ridiculous that a damn KID from HS can pick up a job at my work and get paid the exact same. When we’ve got fucking degrees and it costs ~$85/15 Mins for a patient to work with techs in the back. Like wtf is this bull shit man. But yeah things will get better for me I hope. I deserve it? It’s not like I’m a bad person.

Anyway,

Merry Chrysler lol

#me #personal

10/05/17

Damn, looks like ya got a new boy.. Hope you’re happy and doing well. Crazy to see that its not me next to ya with smile on your face with the red baseball cap, but I guess everything happens for a reason and it’s good that it happened. Crazy how much time has passed and how much time we’ve spent together. I was just in your life for a small part and eventually the memories of me will fade away.

Thanks for showing me how to love and how to see things in a different way. You were my first love and i’ll never forget the memories we shared.

ADL

#personal

2/7/17 - What would’ve been

Today. Today would have been 3 years. Could you believe that? It’s only been 3 weeks since we’ve broken up but it feels so much longer. Today we also landed our first 100th streak on snapchat.

It’s been such a hard 3 weeks. Its hard for me to come to terms that we are not together anymore. I haven’t told anyone yet. Not even my sister. Could you believe that? It’s just so hard to say and I just don’t want to tell anyone. This sucks. I miss you so much.

I fucking miss you dearly. Time away from you makes me miss every second spent with you. The memories are so bittersweet. You were my first love and I can’t believe that our time is over. It’s really hard to believe actually.

Today we had Fan noodle bar, I had chicken pad see ew and you had a tofu drunken noodle. I was very happy you agreed to going to eat dinner with me, we studied at the library after. I’m going to miss everything with you.

I know we won’t work out now but I really hope that could change in the future.

This time around, you’ve made breaking up a lot easier. Thank you so much for that. Being able to be your friend and being able to talk to you, see you here and there makes it all so so much better.

Its so hard to see and imagine a future with out you. Especially since we are getting to that point where we are almost graduating and you will be going your own separate way while I go on mine. I know we will still be friends but it makes me really sad that we won’t be in each others life to see what life has in store for us after graduation. It makes me sad I can’t be there for you and vice versa.

As I’m writing this, safe and sound comes on, and fuck. It just reminds me of the book you made and gifted to me as our 2 year anniversary. It makes me so sad and miss you so much. Music and memories that go with it are so powerful.

You really are the pearl to my oyster.

Hope you’re doing okay, TET.

#personal #tet #tt

Pre Independence Day 2k15

I really want you in my life. I’m going to do what it takes and I’ll show you, my dear. I will prove you wrong. I want to exceed your expectations. I need to. Because I was never enough. I want to be more than enough. I can’t lose you once more, again. I’m not going to let that happen. It fucking hurts too much. I start to go insane. It makes me do reckless things. Just wait and see, once again. I don’t want a repeat of anything. Im tired of a repeat. Things will not be the same and I will not allow it to be.

#personal #tet #tracy

6/17/15

Today, you contacted me. We ended up texting, and eventually facetiming. You make me so fucking happy. I am so happy I am able to be back in your life again. I fucking love everything about you, Tracy. Your imperfections are so fucking perfect. You’re flawless. We’ve got a long journey ahead of us. Let’s work everything out. Let’s be better than we ever were.

#TET #personal

Happy