Things Cricketers Don’t Say

everything posted here is a Joke™️

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[incorrectcricket]

*england team playing twister*

Ben : Right hand red.

Chris : *Ends up on top of Jonny*

Chris: You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?

Ben: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly I’m surprised you didn’t notice.

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16 ~ oceans & engines - niki

' 'cause while you're wolfin' down liquor / my soul, it gets sicker / but i'm stickin' to the screenplay / gotta say i'm okay, but answer this, babe / how is it now that somehow you're a strangеr? / you were mine just yеsterday '

it's funny, or at least Eoin has to tell himself that it's funny. Him and Brendon had broken up years ago, or to be more exact they'd just stopped being him and brendon and phased into never really being mentioned in the same sentence. And it's funny, or at least Eoin tells himself that it's funny to stop himself staring back into the abyss, that it was because the distance was far too much. Eoin had loved Brendon so much but when he'd tried to stretch his love over ten thousand miles of ocean it had stretched so thin that Brendon could barely feel it. So it is actually funny, Eoin must insist that you tell him that it's funny, that Brendon is here now. And it's fine, no really it is fine, because Eoin knows his lines, he knows that when Ben asks him how he's doing he's to laugh and say 'oh that old thing it's been ages we're both definitely over it''. Because it's funny, Eoin's supposed to say that it's funny. But it isn't funny. Eoin had thought that it might be funny but it turns out that living thousands of miles away from your ex and never interacting means that maybe you might just tuck your feelings away and then when he's There everything suddenly comes back. So Eoin does the respectable thing and completely avoids any personal, face-to-face interaction. When Brendon's just typing Eoin can imagine him any way he wants, any way that eases the burn, but when he's just There, well, he still looks like the man Eoin loves. Except he isn't, except he can't be, except he is, except he's there.

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Jimmy : How's the most beautiful person alive?

Ali : I-

Stuart *from across the room*: I'm doing very well, thanks for asking!

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8 ~ spinning (the saucer) - the altogether

' so, this is me choosing to let it be / spin, spin, spin, spin, spin / 'cause no one ever said to wear a crown you also have to wear a grin '

The thing is that this is just the way that it goes. He meets Michael when they are both teenagers. Michael is cool and from halfway across the world, Jimmy hasn’t quite figured himself out yet and has never lived alone. Michael makes the first move. He can go back and do it again all he likes but somehow, even if he knows it’s going to happen, even if he knows Michael is going to reciprocate, he just can’t get it out before Michael can. It’s the sort of thing that only lasts a summer, Jimmy knows objectively that it’s the sort of thing that never ends well, Jimmy can never get it through his head that it only lasts one summer. He tries everything, says everything he can think of to make Michael stay, appeals to his ego, challenges him, cries to him, screams at him, plays hard to get, plays too eager, lays out his feelings as plainly and honestly as he can. It never works. Michael loves him for one single summer and Jimmy loves Michael for more than a decade. This is just the way that it goes. 

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Mark : Baz?

Brendon : Yeah, Mark?

Mark : Can a person breathe inside of a washing machine. While it's on?

Brendon :

Brendon : Where's Jonny?

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Greg : Felix is late for the recording!

Mattchin : Just tell him I said something.

Greg : Like what?

Mattchin : Anything factually incorrect.

Greg, shrugging: If you say so.

Felix, calling moments later: Did you just say the sun is a PLANET?

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Ali : You lying, cheating, piece of shit!

Jimmy : Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

Ali : I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING JOE WITH ME

Jos, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.

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The England team after pranking the Australians.

Eoin : Anyone else have the weird urge to lecture themselves?

Eoin, mocking Ali : Eoin, what are you doing?

Ali, appearing from behind Eoin : Eoin, what are you doing?

Eoin, shocked : I conjured him.

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Mark : Would you really do that for me?

Ben : I would do a lot of things to you.

Mark : I-..For me?

Ben : Yes, that too.

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29 ~ run away to mars - talk

' three, two, one, i miss you / i'm sorry, i got issues / what if i run away to mars? / would you find me in the stars? / would you miss me in the end if i run out of oxygen? / when i run away to Mars '

Swanny’s five year relationship ends on a beautiful night in Australia. There is a gorgeous sunset, Jimmy’s leaning on the railing of his hotel room’s Juliet balcony, the doors are open and a soft breeze is combing through his hair. It’s a picturesque romantic scene, almost a Shakespearean romantic scene, the kind that’s in all of the romantic comedies Jimmy watches. Only it’s the other kind of Shakespearean; the kind where,even though Swanny tried to hold on with all his might he couldn’t quite put the pieces back together and he can’t stay - a tragedy. 

Jimmy doesn’t even look at him. Jimmy just stares at the sunset. It’s not one of those romantic sunsets, the ones whose colours and beauty inspire you with awe at how incredible life is. It’s one of those sunsets at the end of sad movies, the ones that remind you that everything ends, that the sun’s warmth cannot stay with you forever, the ones that leave you cold and alone.

What Swanny wants to say in this moment is: ‘I need a break, just some time to figure out who I am when I’m not a professional cricketer’. What Swanny actually says is:

“It’s over.” 

He doesn’t even say it looking at Jimmy. He doesn’t even say it loudly. He doesn’t even know what he’s saying.

What Swanny expects Jimmy to say in response is: ‘please don’t say that, I love you so much, I’m willing to give you all the space you need as long as you’ll promise to come back to me’. What Jimmy does say in response to this is:

“I know.”

Jimmy’s not even looking at Swanny. He doesn’t even say it loudly. He knows what he’s saying.

And just like that it is over. 

The punchline has been delivered and the joke can’t be strung out any longer. The house lights have come up and Swanny is stuck staring at his audience of one and wondering how he ended up here. There is no music to carry him off the stage, no standing ovation. He’d at least expected an encore. There isn’t one. He leaves in silence. His last look at Jimmy is not one filled with laughter, love or understanding. It isn’t one filled with tears, heartbreak or longing. Jimmy continues to stare at the setting sun on his balcony. Swanny never sees Jimmy’s eyes filled with mirth or love again. He just leaves. He gets into the taxi. It’s over.

When a joke ends and nobody is laughing, it’s called dying.

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Mark : Day one of eating every plant I see

Mark, 10 mintues later: Something bad is happening

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Strauss : Okay that’s enough! No more talking about KP!

Ali : But you told me to get it all out of my system!

Strauss : I HAD NO IDEA HOW MUCH YOU HAD IN YOUR SYSTEM!

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Dom : Kiss, marry, kill: Rory, Sam, Zac.

Ollie : Kill Sam, kill Zac...

Ollie :

Ollie : Marry Rory.

Ollie : *looks at Rory with intention*

Rory : Yes.

Sam : *whispers* What the heck just happened?

Dom : *whispers back* I...I think they just got engaged.

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Joe : I need somewhere to sit.

Jos : *gestures to a chair*

Joe : *aggressively throws the chair out a window*

Jos : *sighs, gestures to his lap*

Joe : Aww thank you, Jos! You’re too kind!

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*Ben and Joe enter a dive bar*

Ben: "Look, I know you're disappointed, but could we at least have a drink?"

Joe, in a scuba diving suit: "I would like to leave, please"

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Chris and Jonny : *both reach for the last chicken nugget at the same time and their fingers touch*

*Looks into each other's eyes - this magic moment plays*

Mark and Ben: Both reach for the last chicken nugget at the same time*

Ben : Get the fuck off my chicken nugget