[indefinitegoodbye]

sometimes, naked, i don’t feel naked. sometimes i feel naked when clothed

what if all our incredible futures are still just bound for misery? a thing breaks, and we’re on fire with rage. was it supposed to enjoy eternity, like us? before trojans were mascots or condoms, they were warriors. before non-sequiturs were digressions, they were songs

the universe is an echo chamber of dissonant matter. heaven is a fraudulent quorum of stranded gods. i am detached from narrative, history, identity

on the days the stars conspire against me, i will conquer and overcome my ugliness

i want to be strong, and i want also to not have to be strong… i think of the small white moths orbiting street lamps; because they are beautiful — because they barely exist at all

[indefinitegoodbye]

being close to me isn’t simple. there are days i feel like the empty static in your car, a noise most people would switch off — but you never reach for the dial

i am unfinished and inconvenient; conversations that stall out halfway, moods that drift like weather no one predicted. anyone else might pull out their umbrella for the storm, you stand in it like rain is nothing new

somehow your love burns steady through all of it — quiet but certain, a patience that feels almost like devotion, a passion that doesn’t flare and vanish, but stays warm and deliberate

maybe that’s why our paths bent back toward each other — you take everything that’s misshapen in me and treat it as something worth keeping

i’ve learned the shape of your hands by their absence. when my chest rises and falls at night, it feels less like survival and more like my body repeating your name

[verbix]

my molars hold the weight of every word i never said to you

my mouth remembers the shape of your name as if etched in enamel, and every thought of you breaks me open like a crown cracked under pressure

i taste my own apologies again and again in the hollow of where you should be. my tongue twists in corners of grief that i can’t speak of, yet i whisper them under my breath and the air trembles with your absence

i still see you, not as you were, but as a silhouette caught between forgiveness and fever. i dream of the silence you left, it drips down the walls like melting wax. i try to wash you off, but grief stains in peculiar places — the wrist, the collarbone, the part of my brain that remembers how your voice sounded when you stopped loving me

[indefinitegoodbye]

every summer day i lost you a little more

[indefinitegoodbye]

forget slow-burn romance, give me slow burn found family

give me enemies who soften into allies, allies who become siblings in everything but blood

give me the moments no one narrates — shared glances across ruined rooms, hands lingering too long on shoulders, the quiet decision to stay

give me tired, weathered mentors learning how to live again through the reckless hope of their apprentices; heroes who split rent after saving the world because solitude feels louder than danger ever did

give me the fear that arrives too late — the sudden knowledge of what could be lost, when love has already taken root and there’s no way back from it

i want to ache through thirty chapters watching two idiots circle each other, stubborn and terrified, slowly and inevitably choosing to belong

[indefinitegoodbye]

i’m acting like a rabid dog

i want to be an uplifting presence in your life but i’m just. so. angry

how do i forgive men for the transgressions of their brothers? don’t they share blood? and don’t put your hands near my mouth because i’m tempted to check

things don’t get better when i smile at them, they get better when i bare my teeth

i don’t want my purpose in this life to be to scare the world into changing

and yet…

i keep a list of gentler futures folded in my back pocket like contraband; proof that i once believed in hands without harm

i practice tenderness the way some people practice violence — by accident, under pressure, with shaking breath

i am tired of being told to heal quietly, as if silence were a virtue; as if forgiveness didn’t also have teeth

i want to lay my head down without having to watch the door; without counting exits like prayers. if i snarl, it’s because i’m cornered. if i bite, it’s because i’m still alive

somewhere beneath the saliva and threat, there is a creature who wants to be held without having to earn it by surviving

[indefinitegoodbye]

i couldn’t touch you without ruining you, so i didn’t touch you at all

when i can’t bring myself to speak my mind, my heart plays russian roulette with my throat

i swear i fired that night, but nothing

someday, i’ll show you the bullet i had for you, after time has done the wash. i’ll take it out of the jar of missed opportunities, we'll hold it up to the light, you'll roll it around your mouth like a fallen tooth

you wont forgive me exactly, but we'll laugh about how small it was

we'll wonder how something so insignificant could have ever meant so much

[indefinitegoodbye]

loving me is work but it comes quite naturally to you

i am waiting line music and you listen patiently, maybe even humming along

i am the line that you don't want to skip

i am the car door that sometimes refuses to close

i am …running out of beautifully stupid metaphors to describe your love for me… and you keep on doing it regardless

hold my heart even when it's standing still, hands wrapped around it like it was a soft bird or… an equally soft and breakable thing

i never want to feel empty space where your hands once were. when my heart continues beating, i think it does for you

[indefinitegoodbye]

i'm so glad and grateful that i’ve lived this long. i’ve seen a lot of new things, met new people, and have had so many experiences i would’ve missed if i hadn’t found a way to keep living

there have been new changes in my life lately and maybe they’ll lead to positivity

the longer we live, the better chance we’ll live to see new discoveries in treatment and care, or we might meet new people who will change us, or... who knows what’s around the corner? my hope is that it doesn’t all have to be bad

[indefinitegoodbye]

love looks a lot like:

the space between your outstretched arms that i have outgrown; the city that has now become a memory in my name; giving me what i couldn’t give myself; seeing more than what’s shown; staying when you could have left

everything i know, i know because of love

[indefinitegoodbye]

i hope you know that life will go on and that’s not such a bad thing

that you will fall in love again and it won’t be the same as the first time — and that’s not such a bad thing

that you two will achieve the dreams you talked about, and you won’t be the one they share their victory with — and that’s not such a bad thing

that you will come across something of theirs years later and it will sting in the same place it used to bleed — and that’s not such a bad thing

at a point, your survival becomes more than that, and in this space, sometimes you fall in love with life and it feels as if it never happened

then somehow, without you realizing, the things that kept you awake at night become the things you revisit to remind yourself of how far you’ve come

you can save yourself twice — all of the ways we try to heal go on to shape who we are becoming

[coldstonedreamery-deactivated20]

none of it ever ended everything just kept going and going and going and even when you laughed and cried and even when you were sad you were really happy bc you were here and you got to meet every star and planet and we all kissed and we all became the same

[fairycosmos]

does anyone miss the specific way that the sunlight used to fall over everything in childhood lol just kidding i am thinking about normal stuff like sending emails

[indefinitegoodbye]

people like you make people like me disappear

[indefinitegoodbye]

it's sunday morning in early november

there are a lot of leaves already. i could rake and get a head start. the halloween decorations need to be put away, i could clean it out or fix the broken screened in door. when mom gets home from work, i could take her to the promenade. we don’t do that as much anymore and my boyfriend… there’s so much i haven’t told him lately — about how quickly my soul is aging, how it feels like a basement i keep filling with everything that i’m tired of surviving meanwhile, it’s such a beautiful morning — the changing colors, the hypnotic light. i could sit by the window watching the leaves, which seem to know exactly how to fall from one moment to the next. or i could lose everything and have to begin all over again

[indefinitegoodbye]

quit picking old wounds and going for walks in the aches and pains you already made it through — you call it healing, but it sounds like a good way to take a haunting home with you. lonely is a no-vacancies sign for an empty room in the backside of your chest and there will never be enough people to love that empty out of you love will not save you you will save you

you think you’ve seen every ugly corner of this whole rotten world, but there are an infinite number of things we don’t know, and statistically speaking, at least half of them are probably very, very beautiful

[indefinitegoodbye]