Why I write and what is wrong with us (Hint: it's not you!)
You may ask why I'm writing this. Why am I willing to share such intimate details with whoever cares to read it? Well, for the same reason I feel called to write music. It isn't a choice for me. It never was. I have always used writing as way of figuring out what is going on inside my head and dealing with the raging emotions that beat me up on a daily basis. I am an empath and quickly absorb other people's moods and feelings and it is draining at times. It becomes harder to distinguish between what I truly feel and think and what is an external source.
The main reason though, is that I have been through many struggles in life and have so far come out the other side of each of them in tact. I know there are others out there who are also going through tough times and it's often hard to find the words or define those internal battles. We feel alone, misunderstood or ashamed. We look for comfort and escape in external sources, some of those being things or people that are even more destructive than our own minds. For me, music has and always will be a source of comfort. Hearing a song or lyric that sums up what I'm feeling is satisfying. It's the therapy I can't afford. The friend I never met. The connection to something, anything that makes sense in this messy world.
It is not about fame or recognition.
My only goal when I first started on this journey was that some day, one of my songs would be played on the radio and find the ears of someone who could relate. That my lyrics would bring comfort or understanding to someone who needed to hear them. For someone to know that they aren't all alone in the world and someone else has been through it too! We are okay!
I write about everything. Love, sadness, sex, money, politics, fun times, memories, other people and friends, the instability and injustice in the world. I write for and about the underdog. I write about body image and superficiality. I write about choices, uncertainties, questioning times, mistakes and good times. I write about books, movies and TV shows. I write to give voice to those complex and many times baffling things that we do and say and feel.
There is a yearning in all of us for connection and love. I'm not talking about the physical sense. It's a spiritual yearning, if you will. I think deep down, we all feel that we don't quite fit. The way we live isn't always in sync with our natural instincts. We question our existence and our life purpose. We feel an unrest which is hard to pinpoint and we search to fill a void with anything that will distract from that. I spent many years trying to do just that with drugs, material wealth and status, empty friendships and relationships. None of it works though, in case you are wondering. Is it futile then to even try to live? Not at all. But the answer is always inside yourself. If you are willing to go deep into the abyss of your mind and shut out all the external noise, you have all the answers you need right there. You are your own strength and comfort. Nobody else can reassure you or quiet your anxiety. Yes, we can be distracted from it and find some solace in the words or actions of others but we each have to take responsibility for what we can control and let go of the things we can't.
We suffer so much nowadays with mental issues. Not to say they didn't have similar issues in the past. It's just now we have the internet and image based content thrown in our faces constantly. We compare ourselves and our lives to other people or what we perceive as perfect. Turn it all off and ask yourself, does it really matter? Do I really need to be validated in such a superficial way to feel that my life matters or is it just external influence that make you feel like that? If the answer is no, that's great. If the answer is yes, you need to go deeper still. Never stop asking why.
That's the because to the why I write.
Does it matter if people like it? Nope. Does it matter to anyone except me that it's out there in the world? Probably not, but I still hope it can help someone going through a similar situation to feel more connected and seen.
Music for me has never been about fame. I despise the idea in all honesty, especially in today's follow for follow and pay to promote influencer society. It means that the people who are truly genuine don't get their voice heard. It means more lonely souls berating themselves and slipping into depression or self hatred. More young girls (and boys) thinking they need plastic surgery or an eating disorder to be seen. More competition based on superficiality and popularity that we as a society are for some reason validating. It's a corruption or perversion of art in it's purity. It's toxic like many of the things we have somehow come to prioritize nowadays. Does that mean that I will never post a selfie or share my projects or daily life with the world? Obviously not as you are reading this post! It's a tricky time we are living in but we can use this technology for good if we are conscious of our own words and actions. We all make mistakes and occasionally let our emotions or impulses get the better of us.
We are not immortal. We are moths to the flame. Driven by desire and survival instinct. We want what we think is best for us and we want it now. But we can't have everything. We have to put other's first and take the time to find those true connections and stop comparing ourselves and competing with everyone.
We are told that success is something to strive for. We are told by marketing companies, influencers and people who want our money and don't have our best interests at heart, that we aren't good enough because we aren't like them.
There's a current trend where people are asking "what can you do for me?" Or "what value will you bring to my life?" It's self serving and not in the least modest. There's a good word in Portuguese for this. Interesseiro.
It basically means a person who is only interested in you for your status/money/their own needs.
It's the follow for follow culture only to have people unfollow you once you've done your job. It's the complete lack of interest for anyone or anything that won't bring immediate love, money or status to a person. We've all been victims of or even fallen into the trap of getting involved in these types of manipulations. "You do it for the likes, but you don't know what it means."
It makes it harder for us to distinguish genuine interest from the fake. It makes us question our self worth and significance. It makes us sad.
I'm sure we all had that one friend back at school that would only ever want to hang out when they had nothing better to do or nobody cooler to be around. That's basically what social media has become on a mass scale. It is no longer about connecting but status. It's all about the numbers. How many likes, followers, comments or subscriptions a person has now somehow determines how we see ourselves! We are told what we should like or do or say or act like every single day and guided to do unhealthy things to ourselves under the guise of health. How crazy is that? I often imagine The Simpsons aliens laughing at humanity when I ponder these things.
So how are we supposed to navigate through all this? How are we supposed to be genuine and human when the world wants us to always be instaready and hashtag on trend? How do we stop ourselves from falling into the vain and self-serving traps? Well, we can't. We have to do these things because that is the world we are currently in. We just need to give less importance to quantity and focus on quality. Be real. Be you. Don't compare yourself to others. Don't do things that make you feel less than or that don't sit right in your soul.
So why do I even bother getting my music out if I'm not motivated by fame or material success?
Like I said, for shared experience and because I feel that I am supposed to do something with writing and music. I enjoy the process and I don't think I'm hurting anyone by doing it. I hope I am a help. I want or feel the need to share my point of view and that is all there is to it. It would be nice to get some sort of compensation for it but it's not really that important to me as long as I can feed and provide comfort to my family and the occasional special treat.
Another huge reason that became clearer two years ago is that I want my son to know me and the way I think about things. If anything happens to me that means I can't physically be around, then I know at the bare minimum he will have my music. So he can understand when he's older and always feel a connection if he ever finds himself alone.
Remember that you don't have to accept other people's pre conceived notions of success or worthiness to matter. You matter. You are important. Follow the beat of your own subconscious and never stop asking why. We hear too often, especially as artists, what we do is pointless if we don't have fame or aren't seen by the masses. Well I just think that is a very sad way to think. Art exists because we enjoy it. We need it. It's personal to us and our creative expression may have no value to those who only think in monetary terms and measure worth in currency, but it doesn't make it worthless. Nobody is fucking worthless and we need to start valuing each other more and praising instead of pulling down.
