you would have been a dirty liar if you claimed it didn’t hurt you.
in fact, ‘hurt’ wasn’t enough to describe it. it felt like someone was physically holding your heart and squeezing it with the worst intentions. it felt like someone was kicking it and stomping it, like all they wanted to do was destroy it till nothing remains but a dark gaping hole in your chest.
the reality was that you knew he didn’t care enough to even be near your heart.
you had to give it to him, he was powerful. he was powerful enough that he didn’t do anything, yet ruin everything for you. he was powerful enough that his silence was worse than anything he could ever utter.
when you two broke up two months ago, you were managing just fine.
you remember it clearly, how he made it clear he still loved you, how he promised you promises that are now engraved deeply in your heart, how he provided enough reassurance that could have lasted you years.
then destroyed it all by completely cutting you out of his life.
that, you also remember clearly. you remember feeling your heart drop to your stomach. you remember how confused you felt. you remember how all his promises immediately faded into thin air and how his reassurance suddenly turned meaningless.
you surely remember how losing him felt, how the moment of realization made your knees weak and chest tight.
the worst part was, while you were begging the universe for a sign that he cares, for a sign that he just gives a fuck, he seemed… unaffected.
in fact, that would be an understatement.
he seemed to be doing better than he ever was with you. he seemed to be more relaxed, less annoyed, and worst of all, he seemed happier.
how could he be fine if what you both had was real?
was it all a lie? were you imagining his endless love for you?
how could he be fine when the mention of his name still makes your stomach flip?
how could he be fine when everytime you look into someone’s eyes, all you can do is unconsciously compare them to him?
how could he be fine when you can’t think of anyone but him?
how could he be fine when you miss him so much you can’t even think straight?
how could he be fine when every single time you pick up your phone, no matter how many days have passed, no matter how clear he made it that he didn’t want anything to do with you, you still look for his name in your notifications?
how could he be fine when you get filled with disappointment every time it’s not?
how could he be fine when you remember how it is after, fingers tightening around your phone, heart sinking?
you should have known better, your brain said.
i thought someone would love me enough that i wouldn’t have to know better, your heart cried back.
you remember sobbing as you pleaded god, the universe, anything to give you a sign that he cares. you remember bawling your eyes out, your biggest wish being any sign that he cares. any sign that he loves you. any sign that he misses you. any sign that he thinks of you.
any sign that you’re not as forgettable as his silence makes you feel.
it didn’t matter, though. what was done was done, and all you focused on was getting better.
getting rid of your constant need of reassurance, destroying the horrible way you viewed yourself, learning how to validate yourself so you don’t depend on anyone for validation, loving yourself enough that you don’t need anyone to love you, working on your insecurities.
and you slowly got better.
and you convinced everyone around you that you moved on.
but it didn’t matter, because you knew the truth.
how you couldn’t bear looking into anyone’s eyes if they even have the slightest hint of green. how you listen to songs you don’t even understand because they’re ones he recommended. how you stare at old texts, wondering if you were delusional for thinking that he could still feel something for you. how you couldn’t even think anyone else could be attractive because your type is now a person instead of a list of characteristics.
how you still wish every notification was from him.
it was a shame, really, how you could be at your happiest moments, nothing in sight to remind you of him, and your smile would still tremble, pretty green eyes coming into view and singlehandedly reminding you that you were your happiest with him.
you, as desperate as that sound, just wish he meant his promise of loving you forever.
no matter how long it will take, no matter how much you know your best friend would yell at you for, no matter how much you know everyone disapproves, you know you will always have your arms open if it’s him.
and as far as you know, it will always be him.
2087
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