Jack

29

[jcal2112]

Every time it's the same lie how much longer until I give up

[jcal2112]

Starting to feel like Tyson did before he got back in the gym...

[jcal2112]

Subtlety learning that my success in finding relationships is because I have extremely high levels of emotional resonance

[jcal2112]

Healthier now then I have been in a while, yet I feel empty like I'm sinking in to extreme disconnect from every thing and every one as if I'm waiting to be forgotten

[jcal2112]

Breath becomes a greater labor each day and yet I refuse to stop some day my body will give out I wonder when

[jcal2112]

The daily struggle of searching for balance weighs in me more and more each day I keep falling back in to being numb

[jcal2112]

Mania how jarring you can be in a full melt down I've dragged up my demons repeatedly looking at all of my wrong doings I cant find peace in the insanity I know I shouldn't been feeding in to the madness but that's increasingly difficult with the influx of irrationality I cling desperately to strings I know lead to nothing like a spider cut from its web free falling in to madness

[jcal2112]

How do I express the message in my head? how do I let people know I'm losing control of my self? What do I do when all I have is the madness that's becoming of me?

Part of me screams internally begging for release from the nothing in which I've been sinking, and yet my skin crawls reminding me that I am further trapped in the madhouse of chemicals that is bipolar.

[jcal2112]

You know life fucking sucks when you find your self wishing you lived in Warhammer 40k so you can suffer for a purpose

[jcal2112]

Minds slipping in to old habits and driving me down the rabbit hole of madness and sadness

[jcal2112]

Another night cut short by dreaming of my abuser yet again

[jcal2112]

Just saying fuck it for now I'll figure out feeling again later on down the line for now I don't want to feel any thing the long periods on numbness bring calm peace only disrupted by the madness that is feeling again

[jcal2112]

First it was the familiar migraine in to mania again I hate that the thoughts of you put me to the point of insanity

[jcal2112]

I understand that I'm manic and just going through chemical imbalance but fuck the numbness is fucking killing me

[jcal2112]

Realizing I'm simply repeating the behavior that hurt me to begin with just to pass on that pain to some one else and stopping my self from reacting further

[jcal2112]

Some thing I'm noticing even in the middle in a harem I find my self wanting to just be alone

[jcal2112]

How am I supposed to move on to some one new when I can't even let go of loving you. You lied to me manipulated the love I had for you, betrayed my trust and exposed us both to disease. You've never been more then an addict refusing to take accountability for what you did to me and it drives me crazy that I gave every thing I had to you