j e s s i c a | v a l e n t i

@jessicavalenti

"Confident and compelling." ~ Publishers Weekly "A powerful literary memoir that expertly makes the case for feminism today." ~ Harper's Bazaar Available now!

1,407 posts

Thank you!!

That’s it for me today, folks. I’m going to try to go through my inbox and answer some questions that I didn’t get to privately. Thank you so much for taking the time to read, and I hope you’ll consider checking out Sex Object (now a NYT bestseller!).

#sex object #tumblr #answertime

What topics do Sex Object cover?

Sex Object is a book about the cumulative impact that sexism can have over a lifetime. It feels like we have a language for what it means to deal with one instance of misogynist - being a ‘survivor’ for example - but we don’t have a word for what it means to live in a world that hates women. That’s what I was trying to get at in the book.

I do not have a question. I just am here to thank you. To thank you for everything you've done and are doing, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you!

What are the best and worst thing about writing a memoir?

Best: the catharsis

Worst: realizing that people will read it ;)

What are you writing about right now? And what inspired you to write Full Frontal Feminism?

Well since Sex Object just came out the only writing I’m doing is over at the Guardian US. And because of everything that’s happening in American politics rn I’m quite busy over there!

With FFF, I really wanted to write something for young people who believed in feminist values but that maybe didn’t call themselves a feminist yet. It was important to me to write something that was conversational and informal, and above all else accessible. Writing at Feministing at the time, and hearing from so many readers about how they came to feminism also really inspired me.

Hi Jessica, i am a big fan of your writing at The Guardian! Thanks for doing this. I was just wondering how u deal with a concept i can only think to call feminist paranoia. I often get caught up wondering - is so and so doing this because i'm a woman or because they don't like me/dont see how it is rude/are just aholes etc. In other words, how do you stop from chalking up many of the negative social experiences to sexism or misogyny, when there's no SURE way to know?

Thanks so much!

This is such an interesting question. I tend to find that where there’s smoke there’s fire - I trust my instincts most of the time. I also am not shy about enlisting the advice of other women if I’m unsure - asking, is this just me, or...

Hope that’s helpful!

What is the best thing you ever did in your life?

Marry my husband. Sounds a bit cheesy, I realize. But he is an excellent partner in both life, love and my career and I absolutely would not be where I am without him. Plus, he gave me my kid! :)

What is your favourite snack?

Fig Newtons and radishes. (Not at the same time)

what's your advice on dealing with catcalling and whilstling

I think it depends entirely on the situation. I really do think that people facing catcalling or street harassment tend to know what will work best for them in that moment - it’s only then that they can determine their safety and comfort level. For me, sometimes that meant giving someone the finger silently, or cursing them out, or trying to talk to them. I wrote about this a ton in Sex Object, actually. I don’t know that there is a right or correct way to deal with it - whatever is going to keep you safe and make you feel better is the right way.

How did you develop the skills needed to write? What sort of degree or A Levels did you need? P.S. You're wonderful and an inspiration. Xx

Thank you!! *blushes*

I was an English major and and journalism minor - I think that helped. But honestly I think the way I developed my writing skills was by writing ALL. THE. TIME. When I was writing for Feministing, I was sometimes writing ten posts a day. Flexing that muscle so often was invaluable.

Hi Jessica! My question is mostly about how to talk about feminism with people who a) seem to have found tons of arguments against it (especially women) and b) men who defend their privilege no matter what. Thank you :)

This is a question that I get A LOT when I go to speak on college campuses and such.

To start: Don’t feel like you aways have to talk to people about feminism or convince them of a point. I don’t waste my time talking to brick walls, and I believe really strongly in treating our activist energy like a precious resource. Use it wisely so you can go on another day fighting!

If you decide that you do want to engage with a particular person, try meeting them where they’re at. Even if they’re arguing against feminist ideas, ask them questions: Why do they believe that? When did they start thinking this particular thing? Getting folks to talk and tell their story allows you more entry points for conversation/common ground. Don’t let the conversation stop at one talk - keep it going. Send over links you think they might find interesting or convince them of a point, shoot them an idea you had. The more talking you do with this person - again, assuming this is someone you care about and want to engage - the more space there is for understanding.

what is your favourite book of all time?

That’s such a hard one! Probably One Hundred Years of Solitude, if you count “favorite” as the one I re-read most often.

What do you wish you had known about sex when you were younger that you'll make sure your daughter knows as she's growing up? - Your fans @ Planned Parenthood

HELLO PLANNED PARENTHOOD I LOVE YOU!

Gonna be honest - I was really lucky in that I had great sex education at school when I was kid, but no one ever talked to me about the emotional part of sex. (At least, not in a way that wasn’t sexist.) I really wish that my school program had a piece about relationships as well as birth control: How feelings may shift when you start having sex, what a healthy relationship looks like, how to value yourself in a relationship. Also, pleasure.

Thank you for everything you do!!

Why does the Guardian US hire you to write articles?

Because I’m really smart and a shit ton of people read me.

Hi! What is your best advice on responding to online hate/trolls & for self-care afterwards?

Well, I guess I’d say you don’t always have to respond. Sometimes it’s best to walk away (though I often have a hard time doing this!)

This is part of why I wanted to write Sex Object tbh - because a lot of people don’t understand the impact that years of online harassment can have on a person. (and not just me, or writers, etc - but so many women & marginalized folks online)

I used to think that sort of laughing at it was the best route - responding with a sarcastic GIF or making fun of the harasser. And it IS a way to take some of that power away from the abusive person. But now I sort of think that it’s important to be open about the really severe negative impact this can have on a person and not be afraid to be vulnerable when possible.

In terms of self care, I have a great community of support around me - online and off - but I also am a big believer in therapy generally. That may sound extreme to some folks, but I think we often underplay the role of long term mental health in these conversations.

What do you like to cook? do you like to make candy or some pie? Do you like cinnamon buns? Sorry, I'm nervous. Hahah 😬

No need to be nervous! I’m actually not much of a baker, sadly. More of a savory sort of person. Favorite thing to cook, for sure, is pasta from scratch. So much fun.

Who or what inspires you ? :)

My daughter, Layla, hands down. For this last year she’s been working really hard to overcome selective mutism. It’s been a long and difficult road, but watching her take on new challenges and be brave in the face of her fears inspires me literally every day. After a lot of work, she was able to do a “share” in front of her class so we threw her a “Brave Party.”

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