i moved out of my old house in the suburbs to a beautiful, beautiful 3-story house in the coolest neighbourhood in fort lauderdale, 10 minutes away from my job, 5 minutes from downtown, 10 minutes from the beach. we’ve been here since this weekend and are almost fully unpacked, the entire top floor is mine, i have a bedroom with corner windows from which you can see the skyline, a nice bathroom, a studio area and a rooftop terrace and every morning when i wake up i feel blessed and every afternoon when im living and working i feel blessed and every night when i go to sleep i feel blessed. the home is beautiful. its just my mom and me living together and we’re such an amazing pair of women and we’re cultivating a luxurious , neat, interesting space to live in as equals, with our 4 pets and it all feels just fantastic and wholesome.
at work, ive stepped down as kitchen manager because our owner/boss,who i was extremely close with and now am not at all anymore, finally did what was necessary for the restaurant which was hire someone who knows what the fuck theyre doing. an executive chef, chef greg who HAS 20+ years of experience, who HAS a frame of reference. and its taken the fire from under my butt and is allowing me to work a normal job where the success of an entire restaurant doesnt depend on me. and thank god. because im 23 years old and ive only ever worked in 1 kitchen and i was 19 and it was a tiny cafe kitchen in germany. and according to my boss, lately, my ‘lack of leadership’ (AKA me becoming less disciplinarian once our workers needed less discipline, and never mind me having absolutely nowhere to draw leadership from) ‘failed the kitchen’ haha. haha............. so. since thats the biggest load of horse shit ive ever heard in my life, my relationship with my boss has become strictly impersonal and ive stepped down on all fronts, incl how much i care about the place, and its serving me extremely well. i can not express how fucking relieved and excited i am to not have to answer every dumb question, not have to answer for every dumb mistake made, to not have to answer for anything. thats not my job anymore. i dont get paid to care as much as i did and ive drawn my line between work and my personal life and its solid and its bold and i could not be happier. and having an actual chef in the kitchen is the coolest thing thats happened. suddenly im learning real culinary material, suddenly im inspired, suddenly i have someone i can go to for whatever, someone who knows how to operate on a professional level, and i work extremely well when i have someone to impress and someone to report to, haha, a boss, imagine, i prefer some kind of structure and having a clear job description. i clock in when im scheduled to and i work, i do a good job because im a good worker, then i clock out when im scheduled to. no one expects more from me, i get to go home and forget about work til my next shift, which is exactly what i need. SO! thats been a major improvement in my life as well.
finally, the last and most exciting improvement. ive been seeing this guy for the past year. hes an extremely black-and-white kind of person, extremely salt-of-the-earth, a very manly-man, very dad-like, huuuge sports fan, very methodical, very stubborn in his ways but once he lets you in his funny and warm and i think he has a giant heart with little means or desire to express it. anyway weve become really good friends, and lately have become really close, and our sex has been increasingly intimate and so, so good and i really care for him and lately have been feeling like he deeply cares for me in return. in the past month hes shown me a level of care and interest that had been either rare or entirely nonexistent before, and suddenly theres been a noticeable change, though i hadnt mentioned it to him or anyone other than my closest girlfriends. until a month or so ago, i had only seen him outside of work late at night, once a week or so, when he’d come over and hang out for a few hours and we’d have s*x and talk and lay together, and we did get closer but we never acknowledged it, then at the beginning of february he fucked me over in a big way, i forgave him because he truly handled the situation like an adult with emotional competence when he didnt owe me a thing, he really showed me he cared, in the end i guess it pushed him in the right direction, he started doing things like come over during the day, started texting me actively, showing way more interest, this went on for a month or two, then there was another noticeable step up,a few weeks ago, even more interest and care, and i felt so certain about it but i just relished it, i entertained the idea of saying something about it 1000 times but in the end decided to wait every time, in case it was too risky, or incorrect. then the other night he came over to see the new house and was the first person to do so, we stood together on my terrace and made out in the warm wind and it felt extremely romantic, we had serious conversation about serious things that have happened in our life, and the whole time we were laying together when it was silent i really kept thinking to myself i think i love him, then he stayed texting me consistently, stayed showing interest, yesterday he gave me a ride home from work and kissed me goodbye in the car, texted me before going to his new job, i texted him to wish him luck, its all been very commited-y, this morning he texted me at 9, asked if i was working and since i wasnt asked if i wanted to maybe hang out for a bit before he went to school. i said yes, he came over, we chatted for a bit and i gave him a neck rub, and we laid down together and says ‘theres something ive been wanting to talk to you about’ and in my head im like oh boy and he proceeds to tell me that he obviously really likes me, and essentially asked me to be his girlfriend. to sum it up in highlights he told me that he thinks about me a lot, he wanted to know how i felt about the idea of taking things to the next step, its been over a year and his feelings havent changed, he feels like he needs to make a move before i get away and its too late, explained that he has to relearn how to be affectionate now (which i do too cuz shit i dont know how to be affectionate at all anymore), that he wants me to take some time to think about it, that he doesnt want either of us to jump into this decision, because he is leaving to transfer schools in 7 months and he doesnt want to put me through another long distance relationship if that isnt what i potentially want, that because hes closer to 30 he is thinking for the long haul, and he knows that im younger and doesnt want to dampen my mid-20s and wants me to think about it. he wants to do things with me like sleep over and introduce me to his friends, stuff that is so, so serious for him and honestly... i am so happy. i am going to think about it like he asked because it does make a lot sense for me to, but ive liked him so much for so long and ive said yes to this proposition a thousand times in my daydreams i feel so happy. the things that he said to me today, so much of which i cant even remember in this moment, meant so much to me. he also told me im the best sex hes ever had in his life, which doesnt surprise me because i am amazing but its still very nice to hear, especially from him.
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