fanciful thinking

[jocelynou]

I recently made a huge mistake. I treated this blog, a public blog, like my diary, recording my every feeling, both conscious and subconscious, onto it without a second thought, and not deleting anything from the things I was typing. I realize this mistake, and I apologize for anything that I might have said, for any perceptions I might have changed, for any feelings I hurt. A post that initially started as a criticism at myself, and how I've learned to adapt, turned into a vicious attack onto others, something that I never anticipated for I didn't even realize that I was feeling the things that I was typing. The vicious monster that was emerging from my innermost feelings had been previously unrecognized and unanticipated, so upon reading what I wrote, I was shocked and disappointed at myself. This attack was a result of rants that now I am wary of. I realize where I was (and am) at fault, I realize and recognize and have named the monsters and the skeletons that have been hiding in my closet, and I am resolved to change it. But until I can truly become the better person who I want to be (and until now, had truly believed myself to be) I've started another, secondary private blog, which I am going to update. If you really want to know every single thought that runs through my head, pretty or ugly, ask for the password, and I might give it to you. jocelyno.tumblr.com.

Goodbye, tumblr #1. It was good knowing you. Maybe I can update you again, when I can shamelessly say the things going through my head (and things not going through my head as well), for they have all become positive thoughts. I hope that day will someday come, but until then I must say farewell.

If I feel up to it, I might transfer all of these posts onto the new private one, and delete them on this one. Who knows? Depends on my mood, I suppose (which a lot of things seem to revolve around). Or maybe I should leave all this crap on this one.. serve as a memory, a motivation..

train this ain't goodbye

[jocelynou]

i will update this thing soon..

>< i NEED to update this thing soon. i have so much to write about! and so little time before my small brain loses all the info.

tumblr, i think we need to schedule a hot date together.

[jocelynou]

jocelyn ou is

a SECOND SEMESTER SENIOR!

..

whoah.

[jocelynou]

more to-write!

relationships developed in class (sushi! econ!)

winterball

decorations

[jocelynou]

UCs, BEGONE!

11/27, 7:32pm. UC APPLICATION TURNED IN! :D I was freaking out cause I was supposed to turn it in this afternoon, but the alumni game came around and I had to take my bro there and so I didn't finish, and when I came back the system was crashing ALREADY. TOOOO intense. But it's all good. I'M DONE WITH THIS!

But still not done w/ college apps ): which means that this is the end of this update. Poo.

After turning in my app, my parents let me go out. The one time I'm allowed to do something, I can't find anyone to do things with.

How very sadly depressing.

Oh well. Star Trek was good (:

MORE THINGS TO TALK ABOUT LATER: thanksgiving!

glee defying gravity

[jocelynou]

dear college apps,

please go die in a hole. thanks!

love,

the senior class of 2010.

glee keep holding on

things i need to talk about when these things are done and over with: ticket, camping, glee, relationships, basketballfirefeet!

[jocelynou]

20 minutes early! how impressive.

It's 11:40 pm, and I JUST turned in my Wuthering Heights lit circle essay.

Procrastination at its finest.

Yay for late night bonding, crazy conversations, and sleep-deprived madness.

fanfare black violin & whatever korean songs tiffany was playing.

[jocelynou]

gives me hope.

I haven't written my Wuthering Heights essay yet, which is due on Tuesday, and I haven't started studying for my chem test tomorrow yet. I have a million blog posts that I want to write, and a letter to Threnda to mail. Instead of doing all that, I've spent the past hour on givesmehope.com and listening to Train.

Several years back, I passed by an elderly man with crutches hobbling onto an interstate on-ramp. I stopped and asked the man if I could give him a ride. He said "Yes, I'm just going to the next exit to visit my wife." When I get to the next exit, I dropped him off at the cemetery. His neverending love GMH.

I was reading about a little kid whose mom told him the key to life was happiness. When he was in school the teacher asked them to write down what they wanted to be when they grew up. He said happy. They said he didn't understand the assignment. He said they didn't understand life. My generation GMH

So worth it.

[jocelynou]

definitely an.. experience.

Last night, I broke my 3-year hiatus of abstaining from Halloween festivities, and went the whole shbang: getting all dressed (and slightly slutted) up (and i made my costume this year! took freaking FOREVER but it was worth it), eating free Chipotle, trick-or-treating, and (my first. yes, i'm socially inferior.) partying. (my night: skipping goodsam, chipotle dinner, kennedy trickortreating, chelsea's postcandy preparty hangingout, ameya's party, suzanne's postparty movie hangingout, pooja/maayan's respective droppingoff, home. gotta love driving.)

I've got to say, partying is.. interesting. Well, it's definitely different than what I expected (which, in my mind, was people sitting on couches and listening to music and drinking beer and talking). Well, I guess I was right about the music and booze and crazy people in outfits parts, but I didn't expect so many people there. And the lights off/freaking (is this a dance?). And the noise. And the crazy behavior of drunkards. And the smell. And the.. weed? I have no idea what they were doing in the backyard. But it definitely didn't smell like alcohol.

I think everything that could have happened at a party happened last night, from the vomiting to the fighting to kicking people out (and, of course, the drinking). Other than the 5 minutes of dancing that took place on my part, I can honestly say that I was a wallflower for the entire time. Really, all my insecurities came out - I would NOT leave Chelsea/Maayan's side for the entire night.

Not going to lie - before I went to the party, my brain ran through some scenarios of what might possibly happen. Getting drunk? Hooking up with someone? Meeting a dark handsome stranger? Who knows. Heh, fanciful thinking!

Well, all things aside, it was an interesting experience. Although, I probably had more fun asking for candy in the cold and going to Suzanne's afterwards to eat candy/pizza and watch a movie (twilight? hahahaha never thought i'd watch that. although, now i'm considering reading the book! anyone want to lend it to me?)

Oh, Halloween. I wonder what Thanksgiving and Christmas this year will be like.. Just like Halloween, my holiday experiences haven't been too lucrative (right word?) for the past few years. Maybe things will be different this year?

fanciful wishing..?

michael jackson this is it

[jocelynou]

yet another sytycyd post

Mr. Billy Bell is gone!

I'm not too fussed. I didn't think he was all that great, until the judges hyped him up like crazy.

But who replaced him? (:BRANDON DUMLAO!

I'm so good at scoping out talent. I remember I was so sad when he was cut. But I guess he was the 11th best guy.

Anyways, I'M SO EXCITED FOR TONIGHT. This is going to be go-oooood. TEAM NATHANJAKOBBRANDON!

Oh, 8pm, come quicker. (although i probably won't even watch it at 8. fingers crossed that it gets uploaded onto sidereel earlier!)

[jocelynou]

a visit to narnia.

In the words of Devina, "don't worry its not a place we go to get high".

It's taken me almost 2 months to do so, but I visited yet another gorgeous place in Cupertino, dubbed "Narnia" by Devina.

So, story of my life, I didn't want to go home after school, so I went driving! After getting a crumbly cookie and the BEST latte ever from Big Basin, I remembered a specific gchat I had on September 1st. With the help of my awesome Xenon and data plan and gmail, I checked it out!

To be honest, it was a bit scary. As I was strolling down the worn pathway, sipping my coffee and hearing the scurries of invisible wildlife around me, I noticed signs everywhere, warning readers that the place was under 24-hour camera surveillance (which would be used as incriminating evidence if anything suspicious/strange were to happen). On the way back to Tyler, my doubts about the cameras were shooed away when I, in fact, saw a camera on a pole, watching my every move.

So, yeah. No matter HOW gorgeous that place would be at night, I'm def. not going there past midnight.

There were some pretty steep hills. Granted, I was in tight jeans and new, not-broken-in-yet converse, but it was kinda embarrassing to feel how winded I was after a few minutes.

Shame.

As I was sitting on the bench next to the big red "NO SMOKING" sign, I couldn't help but think about how I was by myself. All these adventures, and nobody to share them with.

jordin sparks walk the walk

[jocelynou]

fall to the past

I thought things were going quite swimmingly this year.

I guess not.

\:

It's a bit sad how not getting invited to lunch, such a small thing, has gotten me so depressed. Maybe my hormones are out of wack right now, who knows. But it's almost like it's soph/jr year again, when I didn't get invited out to anything. It's the xth time this has happened this year, and most of the times I'm able to brush it off. I don't know why today was such a big deal.

I think I'm blowing this out of proportion. This really shouldn't be bothering me! Still, it would feel good to feel included in things, with people who I believe to be my friends. Then again, am I kidding myself?.

What's going on in my head right now? Birthdays. Maayan's birthday lunch, surprise parties, you name it.

Why am I letting myself think about this. I thought I was stronger that that.

mayday parade anywhere but here

[jocelynou]

top 20

OMGOMGOMOGMOGMOGMGOMGOGMOGM.

DEFINITELY NOT WHAT IW AS EXPECTING.

Well, Nathan, of course.

OMG can he GET any cuter. What a cutie patootie (: I'm glad that he was first. I would've been in shambles the entire 40 min if he had been saved for last. When they announced he was in, I was like ALSIEHRALISEHRASLIRHSAER AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, jumping out of my seat and banging my knee against the table. Doesn't matter. :D :D :D :D He better be like, top 4 so I can stare at him for as long as possible (:

SHOCKER THOUGH. PAULA! ): ): ): I SO wanted her to dance and do well. But I guess if she's been offered a movie contract, all the best to her. I wonder what movie it is.

And I'm uber sad Brandon didn't make it either. He was GOOD.

And SYTYCD really needs to get more ballroom peeps in top 20. Only 3? \: At least there's a lot of jazz this time.

YAY I can go to sytycdism now and read the stuff on there. AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR MONDAY

(:

And to my lovely twinnies, <3 <3 < 3< 3<3 <3 <3! it's been so long since we have corresponded through snail mail. I MUST GET ON THAT. sorry, dearies):

[jocelynou]

zomg, not funny.

OMIGOD WHY IS SYTYCD NOT UP ON SIDEREEL YET. i've been obsessively checking since 6pm, when it first could be put up. it's 8:22. I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER.

[jocelynou]

because the video function is stupid and won't let me submit two vids.

but this is just cause i'm SO EXCITED! and this dance is pretty legit. and cause i've seen it maybe about 12 times. yay sytycdau! (:

[jocelynou]

So youtube is being stupid and won't let me embed videos, so I'm going to have to use the video function.

BUT WHO CARES. YEHA. IT'S TONIGHT. AHHHHHH. OMG I'M SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOS EXCITED AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :D

Not so much for Shankman's almost-gay reactions to Billy Bell (they really need to stop showing the judges faces during the freaking dancer's solos.), but starting from 1:20ish, I'm doing nothing but LIRAHSEIRHESALIRASJERLESAIRJESARLA SAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (: I can't WAIT to find out who makes top 20. it has been unbelievably hard to not click on the "spoilers" post that's been on sytycdism.com for the past three days. MY WAITING IS FINALLY GOING TO PAY OFF TONIGHT. OMGOMGOMGOGMOMGOMG Ohboy I'm not going to be able to get ANYTHING done tonight.

MY PREDICTIONS BOYS: NATHAN TRASORAS, Jakob Karr, Brandon Dumalo, Billy Bell, Russel Ferguson GIRLS: Paula Van Oppen, Bianca Revels, Mollee Gray

:D I can't get over how cute that boy is. It's funny how last season when I wrote my dance-loving post, I had youtubed Jakob and Paula, and now they're on SYTYCD! (: I am so good at scoping out talent. jk. it was luck. (:

[jocelynou]

goodbye, hiatus

I miss this blog. Finally, as it's already been a weekandahalf after HC madness was over, I'm finally updating! Woot. I even changed the theme/design a few days ago, hoping that it'd make me post. I didn't. Big surprise. (:

Now that I'm doing this, I'm not too sure what to write about. I guess I'll just go over my last list of stuff.

october 3rd This was a good day (: Jon came home! Such a surprise(: I miss having him around all the time. He drove up here cause he said he missed home, but I think it was cause he wanted to spend my birthday with me :D It was super fun! We all went out to BJ's together, where he successfully convinced me to apply to USC again, then he took me to my last illegal R-rated movie. It should have been my first LEGAL one (YAY 17!), but there were no midnight showings ): But District 9 was uber good! I kinda wish I hadn't had so much pizookee at dinner and that the smell of butter in the air wasn't so strong so that I could've concentrated more on the movie and less on trying not to hurl, but it was still good. I need to watch that again, anyhow.

october 4th 17! Nothing special, though. I've come to learn to not expect much from my birthdays. I always psych myself out, thinking that my friends are going to throw me a surprise party, or that everyone's going to get me a gift, or something spectacular of some sort happens to me, and I always get disappointed when nothing happens. This year, I think, is the first year where me telling myself that nothing's going to happen actually worked. No expectations, no disappointment. Although, now as I'm writing this, I still feel kinda down \: WHATEVER. I'm happy for those who gave me cookies and wished me a happy birthday (: Esp my lovely officers! Thanks for that wonderfully delicious "cupcake". Oh yeah, Jon went home. ): I really miss having him around.

jealousy I've always had a super hard time controlling this particular emotion. What sparked it this time? Spirit's football tailgating party. I was glad that they succeeded, as Spirit is and always will be my baby, but I was kind of jealous at all the attention they were getting. From Ms. Moore, that is. After everything I did for that commission last year, I feel like I almost never got any praise or attention from her or from the lship class. (i mean, we didn't even get a freaking kudos the entire year. at all.). This is going against my view that I do things because I like them, and not for the recognition, but it's still good to have, right? I just don't voice this side of me very often, and I'm pretty good at keeping it on the D.L. I think HC stress weakened some barrier inside me, though, and I let myself feel that. But it's okay. This was a long time ago, and my emotions are under check again.

homecoming Well, talk about your notsoaverage roller coaster of emotions. At least on rally day. We lost the rally to the sophs (congrats, btw (: ) + emotional and physical exhaustion = not easy to hold down. But I kept it together until the afternoon, where I almost lost it after realizing that I couldn't find my crown. I went through like 3 hours of doing as much as I could for the float: making the banner, loading/securing the float to its hazardous trip to Cup, loading my car, driving to Cup, unloading my car at Cup; then going home&back @ 50 mph on a 35mph road, getting ready in 3 minutes w/ no makeup, hair, whatnot.; all in one piece, and then I realized that I couldn't find my crown (which, btw, fell into the parking lot when I was unloading all the crap from my car), and I nearly lost it. The tears, I mean. But it's all good, everything worked out in the end, and I'm just crownless in some pictures. No big deal (now, in hindsight.) Other than that, I'm just glad that homecoming is over.

Although it's not really good that hc is over. I seem to have lost all passion for everything since October 9th. I barely do hw, I don't care about lship and octagon, and I really wish that I could just go to college. It's NOT good. Senior year has definitely changed me, and not in a good way. The person I am right now is a lacksidaysial (i have NO idea how to spell that), lazy person who doesn't care about anything and doesn't want to DO anything, and that is definitely not who I am or who I want to be. \: Really, the only things that I can get my happy pills for are dance, and scrubs reruns (which i'm starting over from season 1. SOGOOD. i had forgotten how amazing they were.)

So much for following that list. Haha whatever, I'm done. Hopefully my passion for this blog stays alive, since I really do enjoy writing here. (: And as of right now, I'm not really thinking as I type, which I guess is a good thing! I'm disclosing everything that I truly feel, which is actually kind of surprising to me right now, as I read the words that I'm typing. If that made sense.

I'll bet it didn't. I need to work on my blogging skills.

david rush ft. lmfao, kevin rudolph, pitbull shooting star

- edit - iono why tumblr is being so weird and is randomly bolding stuff in my post. ):