wanderer

find me

[juh-net]

streaming...

I wonder what will make life more fulfilling for me. Is it spending time with people I care about, is it doing things more project based where I physically feel productive? I'm not quite certain.. Is it having a family of my own, is it maintaining animals.. maybe that could make my life feel fulfilling.. but also, I'm not quite sure that could be the best reason either. When it's trying to fill some void within myself, like its the worlds job to make me feel better. Why do it, because I want to. But because I want to, doesn't necessarily determine happiness either. Where does the wanting begin and end? Why make unsure grand life decisions without knowing the outcomes, just because the idea of wanting is there? I guess I'm trying to discern more what really matters, what's good for me, and not trying to do things out of not well thought out wants/things I think I need to do/or aimless actions. I feel like I want epic adventures and experiences, and I don't know how the mundane parts of life aid in making that happen? Whether kids, animals, crazy projects are part of it... I wish my life could feel/look/be like an adventurous indie film... lolol

[juh-net]

I'm not sure how to describe this type of love...

one that can be so fucking fleeting.

What does it mean when you can be incredibly enamored with someone and then be able to leave them just as easily?

is it a fickle fucking love?

an unsure type of love?

perhaps, even an exhausting kind of love...

some drives I've caught myself crying, remembering past loves...

the tears aren't the same as the original.

maybe a more dissociated form of tear.

looking back at who I used to be, and who I have become.

I've become more cold.

I don't think I can fully trust anyone anymore. I'm saddened that it's come to that...

I'm not fully comfortable with it.. not yet at least. Maybe one day I will be.. truly comfortable with my mind. At peace with myself. To trust myself more. Maybe that should be a goal of mine..

Be the one I need, because I wont always have someone else.. I can't count on that... I have to be more reliant and aware for my own benefit, to make sure I am okay - physically in this world. in this realm.

[juh-net]

Helllo

hi

[juh-net]

hey :)

hey whats up

[juh-net]

If no one has told you yet, I love you. Read that as many times as you need.

[juh-net]

moody girl.

my eyes swelled with tears, thinking of old things I’ve said. though the way I float when the waves come and go, my emotions guiding and leading the way. Do I ever truly plant myself, or am I just as bad as a rolling stone? How much of myself is embodied by ever changing emotions, are they me, or is it happening around me? And in what parts does that become disassociation? Does the ego escape, defend or both simultaneously?  

[juh-net]

I'm so tired of believing people.

[juh-net]

reaching the outer limits.

Was I on your mind for years? You were in my mine. Being there, wasn’t enough to make either of us stay. someone always fell short. Many do, many will continue to. I always seek a puppy love that’ll last until the day I die and beyond, one that transcends with me onto a new plane.

Although, I think I’m destined to be alone, my mother has said it before, only once, but it stuck in the back of my mind. why would she say that...

But it’s a thought that I’ve given more attention recently, a little more sense gets added to it each day that passes.

There’s a certain sadness to it, I have to wrap my finger around.

There’s also a certain empowerment to it, I have yet to grasp...

[juh-net]

ghost

The sweet words, slowly vanishing, from you, from our conversations, from our memories. Where do they go, when they stop? What did the excitement turn to?  Is there something you think you can’t tell me? I wish I could know all that was going on in your mind... I have to be willing to leave it behind, for my own sanity. I have to accept what will never be between us. I have to mourn what grew and grew and decided to disappear.. boy I presumed gentleman. good bye to the girl who let you in despite her own wounds. to the girl that wanted to give you a chance. to the girl who is just a little too naive.. good bye young boy and young girl.

[juh-net]

curves

beauty doesn't seem like enough to reel you in,  nor enough to keep you close to me... what more can I offer you, if even my words aren’t what you want? this rejection, it hurts, but I won’t let it be the end of me.  I'm trying to move on and to fully let go of this fantasy that  our childhood selves were destined to be... it’s hard to let go.

[juh-net]

You hurt me.

I caught myself crying with memories in my tears,

my energy consumed in a relationship I couldn't feel anymore.

I sought freedom.

I couldn't open up to you.

I wasn't myself.

I wasn't anyone.

I was hurt.

I needed renewal,

And yet I remained hidden.

I can't make you happy the way I wish I could see you happy.

You deserve to feel joy, to feel every ounce of the life that you've been blessed with.

I tried for so long, to do all that I could, and give all that I had in me.

There's more work that needs to be done, separately. For the better.

I know you may not understand my decision, and I say it's for me, but even in this choice of mine, it was for us.

I'll always care for you.

And I know that in this,

I hurt you.

[juh-net]

Did I move fast?

Was I running from pain,

trying to stitch up wounds with new heart strings?

I have to heal before jumping into something that could be real.

There was a rush to feel that renewal, to feel alive again.

A passion with room for friendship and romance.

True love is patient though, yet not all desire leads to true love.

[juh-net]

The man that you are, I appreciate.

Respectful, approachable and welcoming.

With kind compliments, sweet words, and intrigue left to tickle my mind.

To you mister, though our adventures are untold, you've helped me more than you know.

You helped to show me particular traps of my mind, that I may not make myself my own victim any longer.

Thank you, Gentleman.

2.6.20

[juh-net]

'I love you' leaving your lips,

while the wrinkles furrow between your brows.

I'd never be quite certain in the way that you 'love me',

though you'd make it a point to be tirelessly there.

I ask, 'Who am I to you', then you'd look away with the shake of your head, as if I could safely assume.

'I want you in my life', yet you'd never question whether those feelings were reciprocated...

There've been many loves to come into my life. Men who don't know the detriment of pain they've twisted my heart. Those who've walked into my life, unknowingly hurting me, carelessly walking out.

'I love you' falls short from the mouths of those who couldn't elaborate their hearts true intentions.

You've loved me to the extent you're willing to torture me through knives and needles.

Every deceit slicing across my flesh, and each intention strangling tighter.

The words surrounding the carcass they've embodied, like a poem warping the image of a devil and each devil man and every single one of their sweet lies...

I love you does not equate to the things that you wish you could do to me.

My body could offer you every sick desire your tainted mind would want, but that's not love baby.

Chase, chase, and chase me till the wind knocks you to the ground.

Fall, fall, and fall till your palms slip on your own damn blood..

I'll be there, as you look up. And with my hands grazing your shoulers onto your cheeks, I'll sit in your lap, just to tell you, 'I love you too'.

[juh-net]

under

Battling my hopeless mind, praying for a sign, but I don’t know what to keep an eye out for, what will it be, what may I see.. it’s a mystery, hope in itself, ever changing, so surprising, and everything I’m ever looking for. All I ever truly need, a lifeline, a strength, heck even a weakness, in some way, it’ll shape me.

[juh-net]

Don’t hold on to the old me, I need room to grow.

[juh-net]

incinerate

the rumble in his voice,

bumps crawling on my skin...

the grip of his hands,

throat gasping for air...

the crushing from his hips,

teeth digging for more...