@jupernaturalweek day 3: sustenance
food | warmth | understanding
the first time a goblet and a flimsy piece of bread is pressed into his hands, castiel is standing in a dark room with high ceilings. he can't recall what he's done this time, to land him in such a miserable place on earth, but he knows his time here is meant to be penance, so he accepts the offering.
even though he can't taste things, not in the way that mortals do, the wine and cracker leave an unpleasant sensation of ash and despair on his tongue. as he heads back to the pews, it takes every bit of his self-control not to vomit all over the stone floor.
the first time a goblet and a flimsy piece of bread is pressed into his hands, castiel finds himself surrounded by stained glass and marble statues. he can't recall what happened in heaven that led to his arrival on earth, but it must be for his own good, so he accepts the offering.
he's still an angel, he still can't taste things, but he can sense them on his palate and the way they make his insides crawl.
by the time castiel can remember being sent to earth, he's doubting whether or not there's a lesson involved. castiel can't be doubtful, so he remains dutiful, taking part in the ritual and living amongst the people until they inevitably destroy themselves to prove their god is good.
time on earth, like taste, has no meaning for castiel. time has no meaning, but there are moments that stand out amidst the expanse of existence.
the first time castiel watches someone recite a blessing over wine and distribute it among the congregation, it's because he followed a pull from his heart and wound up in a rectangular stone room. this room is more of a house than a chapel, and while he can perceive a chill in the air, there's a natural warmth surrounding everyone.
castiel is returned to heaven shortly after, and loses most of his worldly memories after reporting to his superior. he can't recall being in that room, but as he watches it being ransacked and plundered and burned, as he watches the people suffer on the basis of being different, he wishes he could be there to return the comfort they extended to him.
the people of earth continue to squabble and fight and kill, and as it is below, so it is above.
the fighting goes on for minutes or for millennia, interspersed with brusque talks of sacrifice and loyalty.
castiel knows sacrifice and loyalty in the same way he knows that allegiance and faith go hand in hand with one another. he knows that devotion is expected, that it's required, but he knows that in the same way he knows that just because something is revered, that doesn't mean it deserves to be respected.
the first time - no, not the first time. he hasn't been in this exact place before, but he has been here before. this time castiel finds himself surrounded by crucifixes and organ music and talks of a holy ghost, and something inside of him snaps.
castiel is doubtful, but he can't be dutiful, not here, not now. when the people rise to approach the altar, he uses the crowd as an opportunity to exit through the heavy wooden doors and go anywhere else.
anywhere else turns out to be heaven. they tell him before they wipe his mind that if he can't even learn proper behavior from mortals, he really must be lost, and the only way to return is through going through the trials again. the last thing he remembers thinking before the white walls of heaven fade to black is that if grace must be earned, can it really be called grace at all?
you don't think you deserve to be saved?
time on earth, like taste, used to have no meaning for castiel. it used to, but now there are people and moments that stand out during his lifetime and give him insight into what it was that he was missing during his previous visits to earth.
the first time he catches bobby mutter hamotzi under his breath as he passes a burger to dean, the atmosphere changes around them and suddenly castiel is back in the lithuanian synagogue. he's hearing the kiddush from thousands of years ago while hearing this family talk about classic cars and castiel is struck with the realization that this is about being strengthened not just by the food but by the culture and community as well.
the first time dean says baruch hashem when jody and donna bring cholent on a friday afternoon, the sincerity and kindness overwhelms castiel. he's an angel; he's meant to be objective, to follow orders and to not concern himself with emotions. he maintains a neutral expression but there's something about everyone looking out for each other while acknowledging that this love extends to hashem as well that makes castiel almost proud to be involved with them.
the first time sam drunkenly raises a l'chaim, his dimpled cheeks tinged pink, castiel's entire being hums with joy. he even drinks a bit with sam, and helps him eat his confusing mixture of popcorn and gummy candies while they watch cartoons. castiel is still an angel, and he still can't taste things, but the salty-sweet smell combines with sam's smiles and the result is a warmth that castiel hasn't felt since his grace was taken away.
the seconds and thirds and hundreds of times after are no less impactful, and those are the moments that castiel wishes he could preserve in jars and hold in his hands like pieces on mann to nourish every aspect of his form.
