Just For Your Information

[justforyourinformation]

October 12th, 2020

I feel like shit. I'm trying to stay strong and positive but all I seem to manage to do is breakdown and cry. I sleep too much, I cry too much and I definitely am unable to find a way to figure out what is wrong. I don't know if it's the weather or if I'm just not used to not having people around... but I can tell you I hate it. I used to always go out and chill with my friends with not a care in the world and then when this whole pandemic came around I was sure that I would be fine. Boy, was I wrong. I'm back to square one and I'm honestly not sure where to go from here. I've tried everything I can to keep sane and to make sure I'm okay but it isn't working anymore. I'm not one to give up so easily but I constantly feel myself giving up more and more each day. I stop myself from making stupid decisions and from self-harming but I don't know if I have the strength to do so anymore. That's not to say that I will, I just have sudden urges that maybe it'll take away the pain I feel on a daily basis, maybe just maybe. I get caught between being angry at myself for torturing myself with this pain and this stress and sadness because I'm always sad. When people ask how I'm doing or if I'm alright, my only response now is I'm surviving. I know I should probably seek help from elsewhere but it seems whenever I do that, it's just more pills that I dread to take. I can't handle this pain and feeling strong anymore.

This is my cry for help because I don't think I can hold on for much longer.

[justforyourinformation]

September 30, 2020

Working on myself has been the hardest thing I've ever experienced. Every day gets harder but every day I work harder. I know that this might be the hardest thing I've ever done but in the end it'll be worth it. You always have to work for what you want in life and all I want is to be able to find happiness in myself. I just don't understand how to do this for much longer, I just want to be okay. My breathing gets heavier and my mind gets cloudy but all I can do is just focus on being okay. There are hardships in life that might seem impossible to overcome but I remember to look at the bigger picture and all I can do is smile. I can see it, I can see me being happy but I just have to go through a little more pain and a little more stress to see that side of me. 

Note to future self: 

I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of who you’ve become. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. Never let anyone tell you that you didn’t do it on your own. You did this yourself and you did this for your happiness. I’m so proud of who you’ve become. I’m so proud of you. 

[justforyourinformation]

September 17th, 2020

I’m doing better. I feel more love for myself then I’ve ever felt before. Starting to realize my full potential and my full worth. I’ve definitely had my ups and downs (more downs though) but I’m working on myself and getting the things done. I finally found my motivation to go back to school and to take time for myself. I’ve realized that no matter what happens, I’ll only have myself in the end. No matter how many friends I have, who my significant other is and who my family is. I’m the only person that make the changes that I want to see in myself. I’ve always told myself that I am happy when I make others happy but the truth is I’ve started to change that. I’ve been told I’m a selfless person but now I realized that being somewhat selfish might be the only way to deal with everything that’s going on. People used to walk all over me because I was overly nice and tried too hard to fit-in. I used to think that they just needed me and it felt nice to be needed for a while. We all try to find our purpose in life and ask why we are here. I believe my purpose is to help people but I can’t help people if I’m unable to help myself first. 

8 steps to getting better and getting back on the right track: 

1. Stay positive: even if the situation is tough and very negative, there is always a positive side to it (whether that be taking it as a learning experience or just looking at it in a new light) 

2. Stop trying to change for others: I am who I am. If you don’t like me, it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is if I like me. 

3. Stop trying to be perfect: Being a perfectionist in my eyes is a negative thing because you are constantly trying to be the best you can be without realizing how far you’ve come. 

4. Be you: No matter what you do or say, if you are yourself you will always attract the best people (and if people don’t like who you are then f*** them) 

5. The sky is the limit: Yes, you guessed correctly, this is a Biggie quote but I’ve lived by it since I was in grade 8. Having goals and ambitions that I think are unattainable makes me work harder to achieve them. 

6. Write as much as possible: I find peace when I write. I guess it’s my way of meditating and getting things off my chest. I write daily and always read back to see how far I’ve come. 

7. Don’t be bothered by others: What others do to me or what they do within my life should not make that big of an impact. I know that I’m a very emotional person and things get to me easily but I have learned that people are selfish and they are allowed to be. But they don’t think about other people’s feelings or what it could do to the other person. 

8. Start doing what I love to do again: Start to write, sing, write songs, draw, dance, read books, listen to music, etc. Do whatever you can do to make yourself happy and keep yourself busy so that you have all that time for yourself and for your own solace in yourself. 

[justforyourinformation]

September 7th, 2020

This is for you. This is for the girl that talks too much. This is for the girl that loves too hard. This is for the girl that sits and cries herself to sleep daily. This is for the girl that thinks that she is alone. This is for the girl that won’t be believed if she tells her story. This is for the girl that has too many mental issues (whatever that means). This is for the girl that can’t bear to love herself the way she loves others. This is for the girl that has terrible vices to keep that sweet smile on her face. This is for the girl that overthinks everything while she’s awake. This is for the girl that believes her dreams are better than reality. This is for the girl that decides to give the benefit of the doubt. This is for the girl that would rather see you smile than cry. This is for the girl that puts you above her ALWAYS. This is for the girl that causes drama because she says how she feels. This is for the girl that constantly gets criticized by doing something wrong. This is for the girl that never gets an “I’m proud of you”. This is for the girl that is a screw up. This is for the girl that comes up with excuses for being emotionally abused. This is for the girl that is told that she’s being excessive. This is for the girl that always sees the good in people and never bad. This is for the girl that gets emotionally numb but just accepts defeat. This is for the girl that tried too hard to fit in. This is for the girl that was told, “you’ll never be good enough”. This is for the girl that needed to be shown love before she gave up. This is for the girl that used to cut herself because the pain felt soothing. This is for the girl that deserves love. This is for the girl that started to love herself. This is for the girl that realized that she’s the only one she has in the end. This is for the girl that needs to put herself first. This is for the girl that needs to remember to keep her head up. This is for me. I am that girl. 

[justforyourinformation]

July 7th, 2020

Do you ever feel like you're stuck? You're stuck in your own head and can't get out and even when you want to cry for help, you can't? You just wanna be able to be okay and smile for real this time? You don't want to have to put on a charade for people and just be able to be okay with yourself and to be okay by yourself? I don't know why I feel this way nor do I know how to figure this out. 

Currently, I can't even cry anymore. I can't be sad anymore. I have no tears left to cry and I have no more sadness. All i feel is numb. I just feel empty. Like I lost every single part of me and now I'm on a scavenger hunt to get it back. The worst thing about feeling numb and feeling empty is that you start to miss how it felt to be sad and alone. You start to miss being the person you used to be even though you weren't happy with yourself. 

[justforyourinformation]

April 21st, 2020

Do you ever connect with someone on a deeper level that you feel comfortable within seconds? Like even if they’re just your friend or support system or more than that. It’s always nice having someone who cares even if it’s just only for a short period of time. Like when you feel comfortable enough to share every detail of your life with them and know that you aren’t getting judged but getting the same reciprocation back. Talking about everything you’ve been through in life and everything that you wanna go through in life. But having someone who also is taking the time to focus on their own life to make sure they themselves are okay. For some reason, still having that fear that they will just get up and say “Ight Imma head out”. I think that fear will always stay with me and always be there throughout my life of having people leave because I’ve dealt with so much pain. But connecting with one person and having deep conversations are key for me. I want to be able to get to know someone on a deeper level and be able to tell that person a lot more than anyone else knows. Having a greater sense of belonging with that one person but always being scared to say something stupid or do something stupid because you could potentially ruin this great thing that has been created between the two of you. 

[justforyourinformation]

April 20th, 2020

Have you ever felt so happy and so great one second and then everything comes crashing down in your head? I’m normally always having a good day and happy for the most part and then I start to think. Thinking for me is so dangerous. I start to think about all the things that I wish I have done in my life, all the things that I might have been able to prevent, all the things that I could have done to not hurt people, all the things that could have kept me sane and the list goes on and on. I sit in bed thinking about so many things and all I can imagine is why me? I think I’ve done a decent job in life but of course I’ve made mistake and hurt the people around me but I mean would this be considered karma then? I try so hard to be good to people and to be okay with myself but the only thing I actually believe is that maybe happiness isn’t meant for everyone, maybe it’s not meant for me. I’ve always been told that happiness comes from within but what if you’re hurting so much that there’s nothing to be happy about anymore. On occasion, I wake up sad because sometimes my dreams are better than my reality but mostly I wake up happy and grateful because I am still alive. I just sometimes don’t understand or realize why I feel this way. How my mood can change from something so great to terrible within seconds? Maybe it’s because I overthink every little freaking thing in my life and never just take life day by day. I hate that I’m like this and I really wish for a day where I was normal. Not overly emotional, not overthinking and just plain happy. I mean I know that you don’t know what happiness is unless you’ve felt sadness but I’m tired of feeling sad all the time and putting on that stupid mask to make people see me for someone I’m not. I’m exhausted. I’ve been putting everyone else before me and that’s just because I care too much and that’s just how I am. But what about me? What about my happiness? Yes, I know that at the end of the day you only have yourself but I don’t want that. I want to change that saying. I want to have a solid amount of people who care and don’t get me wrong I do have some people, (shoutout to House of Gum Mint and the two people who are my twins). But this just hurts me to always feel like I’m wrong and making my life a living hell for myself. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep just because I feel like I’m not good enough to be living the life I’m living. It’s the only way I sleep soundly. Sometimes it just hurts so much because life is moving so quickly and I’m not able to just chill out and smell the roses. To be honest, maybe I’ll consider taking up a career in acting because clearly people believe that I’m happy 25/8. I guess I just can’t stand seeing other people feel the same way I do so I try to get them out of their rut when I keep digging myself further and further into mine. Someone help. This is me calling out for help. 

[justforyourinformation]

April 18th, 2020

Do you ever feel like you’re over something or someone? But then at any point in time that person can come back and say that they have an issue or a problem or that they’re in trouble and you will be the first one by their side? Yeah, that’s how I feel right now. I just don’t know how to handle this feeling. I forgive too easily and to be honest, I forget as well. Why do I give people so many chances? I know I’m supposed to figure out my own worth but somehow I find myself falling too easily and putting in 100% when everyone else is putting in 10. Sometimes I feel like I stay in bad situations because I enjoy the pain and hurt deep down inside. But when someone leaves your life all alone and for you to be in your own dangerous thoughts, you have nothing left to hold on to. But hey, of course I still give a fuck about them. Like come on, I’m always cheering on the people that have been in my life and I want nothing but the best for them. When they come back asking for favours and for help, I’ll be there in one second. But one thing I have to say to my fellow readers is that if you have the type of heart that just gives and gives, that’s okay. Don’t get yourself down for being you. You have a love so pure that everyone wants it but no one can handle it. In my opinion, maybe it’s too powerful for them but don’t look at it as a weakness. It’s your superpower. It’s what makes you supernatural. Despite everything that you’ve been through, hang in there. I know I am. You might love too easy, trust to soon and always look for the best in people but the one thing I have to say to you is that only the best people do that. We are a force to be reckoned with. Just know what you deserve and know your worth. 

[justforyourinformation]

April 17th, 2020

Do you ever feel like something is wrong but you can’t figure out what it is? Like there is an underlying reason that you’re sad all the time or that you seek attention or that you just need people there. I’m the type of person that loves socializing and loves talking to people but I can’t be alone. Being alone means getting inside my head and going to a very dark place in my life where I don’t ever want to return. Sometimes I feel like there’s something always wrong with me and that I’m only hurting myself. I know everyone says that you need to love yourself, you can’t rely on other for your happiness and you have to be selfish in life but I don’t know. It’s easier said then done. Happiness comes from within but for me, people spark that happiness in me. From a very early age, I found myself putting on a mask so that people wouldn’t see the sad. People wouldn’t see that I was hurting and from that moment forward I never looked back. Years from now I really hope that I can look back and see this was just a phase but I need to accept who I am and accept that I shouldn’t change for anyone but myself. I give too much too soon to people and hand things out on a silver platter but I realized that I treat people like I want to be treated. I know not everyone can give me the same energy but some tend to attempt to give me the same energy and then they switch up on me because it gets too much. Trust me, I understand that it can take a toll on your mental health but I believe that my purpose here in this world is to make people happy and smile. To make people believe in theirselves and to make people see that no matter how hard life gets, it will get better. Some of you are probably thinking that’s exactly what I should be doing but I’ve learned that I don’t take my own advice and I tend to learn from my experiences. I just want to be able to show people the world and so much more whether that be as a friend or more. People don’t deserve to be treated like trash and tend to dwell on the past too much. Hi there, I am people. My past catches up to me all the time and I just sit and watch as my life unfolds before me. That being said, here’s to day two of trying to write my emotions down on a blog that I will hopefully come back to and say “hey, I remember that girl... she was a disaster... I’m better at where I am now”.

[justforyourinformation]

April 16th, 2020

I guess this should be an introduction to my blog but I really think that sometimes it’s better if you don’t know that much about me and just know how I feel. Strangers are easier to talk to about feelings and life rather than talking to people you know. 

Sitting here just listening to the All My Feels playlist on Spotify because to be honest, I don’t know what’s wrong. I have no fucking clue. I have so much to do with no motivation and so many people I want to talk to but I have to message first. This quarantine isn’t making my depression any easier. I’m hurting and constantly cry but I don’t know why. I’m just trying to be okay but for some reason right when I become okay, people decide to come into my life and fuck with my feelings and screw me up. I fall fast, I catch feelings too quick, I’m too clingy, I’m too needy, I’m not that pretty, I’m annoying and the list can go on and on. I’m not okay with myself and I honestly feel like I never will be. It hurts, everything hurts me and my mind takes over and I start to think that I’m not good enough or that I will never be “normal”. I know that people will question, “what is your definition of normal?” but if you know this feeling you’ll understand what I mean. I just want to be someone’s go to. Is that too much to ask for? I know that I should work on myself but I can’t be alone. Actually it’s not that I can’t be alone, it’s the fact that I don’t want to be. Everyone keeps telling that I need to be alone to realize what I want and need in life but truth is... I don’t want to be alone. Everyone has their biggest fear as death but my biggest fear is being alone. Being alone and being lost in my own thoughts is deadly. I’m too emotional and yes I have tried to change but sometimes I think to myself that if I take away my emotions and me being overly emotional... I will be nothing but a numb person. As great and tempting as that is, I don’t think I can do that. Without my emotion, I no longer will have the passion and the drive. Maybe someday someone will think that it’s cute that I’m emotional and will actually put in effort and care for me the way I care for them. I could keep going but then I wouldn’t have content for weekly or even daily posts.