October 12th, 2020
I feel like shit. I'm trying to stay strong and positive but all I seem to manage to do is breakdown and cry. I sleep too much, I cry too much and I definitely am unable to find a way to figure out what is wrong. I don't know if it's the weather or if I'm just not used to not having people around... but I can tell you I hate it. I used to always go out and chill with my friends with not a care in the world and then when this whole pandemic came around I was sure that I would be fine. Boy, was I wrong. I'm back to square one and I'm honestly not sure where to go from here. I've tried everything I can to keep sane and to make sure I'm okay but it isn't working anymore. I'm not one to give up so easily but I constantly feel myself giving up more and more each day. I stop myself from making stupid decisions and from self-harming but I don't know if I have the strength to do so anymore. That's not to say that I will, I just have sudden urges that maybe it'll take away the pain I feel on a daily basis, maybe just maybe. I get caught between being angry at myself for torturing myself with this pain and this stress and sadness because I'm always sad. When people ask how I'm doing or if I'm alright, my only response now is I'm surviving. I know I should probably seek help from elsewhere but it seems whenever I do that, it's just more pills that I dread to take. I can't handle this pain and feeling strong anymore.
This is my cry for help because I don't think I can hold on for much longer.











