Breathe

[rusticstyle]

Warm cozy log cabin Visualize it now, the aroma that comes from the potbelly fireplace or stove) is musky., keeps very warm.

[purplebuddhaquotes]

I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.

(via purplebuddhaquotes)

[kaleidoscope-minds]

So many negative thoughts...

I can’t do my job, it’s too stressful. Yet another environment that I can’t handle? What’s wrong with me? Bar work, retail, administration, now this. Will I ever be able to find a job that is comfortable and enjoyable? I had to take another day off work today because I just couldn’t face going in. Seven hours of having to act enthusiastic and passionate to people on the phone who don’t particularly want to talk to me. Some even shout at me. Some allow me to talk to them when it’s obvious they’re not even listening. Such a loud, manic working environment. Targets and encouragement, shouted in my face all day long. Constantly being reminded the successes of my colleagues compared to my lack of. Constantly having to ignore the dread that this might be the best it’ll ever get for me. Do I not deserve to have a job I know I will be good at? A job that will pay enough to look after me? Will I always be scraping the barrel working my ass off on minimum wage? “Minimum wage, minimum effort”. I don’t think social media helps. I am constantly comparing my shitty life to others. I just want to feel more “put together”. I want to be successful but I don’t know how to get there. I feel intimidated by applying for any job that’s above minimum wage because I’m convinced I won’t get it. My self esteem is so ridiculously low, it doesn’t matter how many people tell me how great and beautiful I am, I just can’t seem to believe it. I feel like a failure every day. I feel like I will never succeed. I have so many big dreams: to be an art therapist, to live abroad and travel doing a job I love. To meet a kind, happy, loving, intelligent man who shares my passions and understands my dreams and wants to pursue them with me. To have a family and raise my children well and be a good mother, a good partner and an inspiring artist and therapist. I want all of those things so badly I could cry because I feel about 60 billion miles away from any of those things coming true. No one is interested in buying my work. No one is interested in employing me to do something I know I would be wonderful at. I’m constantly waiting for call backs, responses, start dates, they never happen. They always flake away. I feel like the big noisy consumerist world has swallowed me up and if I was to leave this world right now I would be forgotten about relatively quickly. I hate that my entire existence is controlled by money. That attitude is stemmed from my parents, my mother, and I can’t shake it off. I can hear her voice in my head when I think about not being able to go into work and fretting about what I can do to pay the rent. “ Well you just have to do it! You’re just wingeing and it is pathetic! Get a grip! It’s just a job! I have to go to work, we all do, what makes you any different! I’m not lending you any more money! You’ll just have to find a new one if this one isn’t working out, but don’t quit before you do, that’ll be foolish!!!” Each sentence is a stab in my self esteem and pushes me further and further down. Particularly “I have been through difficult times and got through it, so you will too!”. She needs to realise that comparison is never a positive motivation tool, it only makes the person who is already feeling really shit about themselves feel even worse. I don’t want to be really poor. I don’t want to be in my overdraft, even if it is fee free, it means I’m not in control. I like to be in control. I like to be comfortable. I’ve already spent the majority of my savings in the past 3 months. Soon i’ll have nothing. Having less money, in a way, feels like I’m less likely to achieve any of my dreams any time soon. Less achievable. Less comfortable. I wish I could focus more, but my head is a mess. I just want a job that I will be good at. A job helping people, communicating with people and not for any kind of gain. I am not happy. I feel like I’m suffocating.

[chessys]

u got through everything u didnt think u were strong enough for

[kaleidoscope-minds]

(Leo Wood)

I haven’t heard this in YEARS. I can’t believe i just found it!!!!!

[imfeelinghappiness]

Apps To Kill Time On

Keep seeing some posts circulating about popular websites and wanted to make a version for apps.

These are apps I’m way too addicted to. Am I missing any?

P.S. I’m on an iPhone so these are iPhone apps, but probably have an Android version too.

Edit: Sorry for all the time I’ve taken away from your life

Spellbound - addictive horror 👻 and romance stories

Bettr - the reason all my friends are jealous of my insta feed 😻

Commaful - popular fanfiction, story, and poetry community 👑

Sweatcoin - get paid to walk

Helix Jump - legit the most addicting game on my phone

Out of Tune - win cash by guessing songs

Baseball Boy - addicting game where you smash a ⚾️

Dune! - Ride the sand dunes like a baller!! so much fun

Color Meme - color in all dem dank memes (surprisingly relaxing)

Sling Drift - beep beep - level 70 is insane 🚗

Ball Gates - it’s surprisingly fun to navigate balls through gates

Bumper - kill them all!!!!! 😈 (i alway win)

1Q - get paid to answer simple questions 

Impossible Bottle Flip - mindlessly addicting

Hole - fuck up a city muahaha

Snakes Vs. Blocks - even more fun than the original snake hehe

Tenkyu - tilt your phone and watch the relaxing magic happen

Twenty48 Solitaire - put your sexy math skills to the test

Paper.io - easy drawing game that is #1 on the app store for a reason

Tornado - be a tornado and destroy everythinggg

Knock Balls - shoot down blocks with a canon - surprisingly relaxing

Wishbone - fun game for comparing stuff like hair, celebs, sports

Dosh - get paid to shop

Current - get paid to play songs and podcasts

Yarn - stories that are seriously creepy af

You’re welcome 😉

[kaleidoscope-minds]

I don’t understand how someone who constantly bangs on about the importance of language and pointing out how I say things wrong, how I say things “aggressively” (*huge massive eye roll*), can then be so fucking blunt and insensitive to me. I feel like I’m going through my day with gritted teeth, basically because I just don’t understand my boss at all. She’s meant to be this sensitive, patient, caring person. She promotes herself as those things yet, to me, I honestly see her as the total opposite. She has no time for me. No patience. I am a burden. She expects me to do everything perfectly even though I have been in this brand new job for two fucking months with absolutely no experience beforehand. (She literally said in a meeting yesterday that I have been here for two months now therefore I should know what I’m doing. Like, two months is nothing when it’s a brand new job tyvm, give me some fucking time!!!). I’m so sick of being made to feel bad when I mess up. In fact, I don’t feel bad, because I’m learning, and all of that pressure should not have been put onto a LEARNERS shoulders in the first place. She sits there and talks to my assessor through a forced, nervous smile that her work load has increased considerably since they have taken away some of my responsibilities since my melt down last Friday when the pressure and the stress just got too much and I lost it and burst into tears and had to leave the office and sit in the rain and try to figure out how the fuck I’m supposed to go back in there.

I just don’t understand the complete contradictions of some people who I work alongside. It’s supposed to be a place of promoting wellbeing, giving people support, yet, i’m a young person sitting there not feeling supported by my boss at all.

Fingers crossed things get better. I met a girl in a meeting earlier who looked around my age and was telling me how she’d just moved to London and is working for an organisation that help people in the community. She just looked like she had everything figured out. I feel like a mess. I feel like I should be excelling further to where I am now. I know that my boss looks towards my art work like it’s some kind of joke, which is pretty offensive really considering that’s what I’ve dedicated the past five years of my life studying for and developing. 

Fuck it. She’s just one person. There are plenty of people I have met since I’ve been there that are so supportive and loving and friendly and generally good, genuine people. I can just see right through my boss, and I’ve got a knack for seeing the truth in people.

Fuck it. Fuck her. This is just a tiny tiny stepping stone towards a much bigger thing. What I need to do now is to prove to her that I have got a brain and I know how to use it. I can become really good at my job. I will get there, and then I’ll leave that place with my head held high knowing that I’ve done the best I can possibly do. Fuck everyone else, they don’t matter.

[purplebuddhaquotes]

[myfairynuffstuff]

Jane Gilday (b.1951) - Dawn Mist on the River. 2011. Oil on board.

[sleepy-minimalist-deactivated20]

Sitting down with some chai tea + one of my homemade raspberry muffins to do some journaling.

[stonerconceptualism]

Fischli/Weiss: Rock on Top of Another Rock

[jazzafari]

[3rdquartermoon]

-

[fairynests]

[kaleidoscope-minds]

I want to get away. i want to get away from here, from my own head, from hanging out in a coffee shop procrastinating because I don’t want to go home. I want to get away from you, from what you represent, from what you want. I want to get away from my conscience, my guilt, my anxious thoughts of the future.

I want to go to the future, the unclear, the unknown. I want to move to a place I don’t know and be completely terrified. I want to start again. I want to be brave and independent and free. I want to be light and breezy. i want to learn new faces, remember new names and shake new hands. I want to see different views, spend my Sundays doing what i want.

[kaleidoscope-minds]

These squiggles of black ink over watery blue and purple reveal a map to a place very far away from here... ✨________________________________ (at Bath, Somerset)

[kaleidoscope-minds]

31/7/2018

I never write anything on here anymore. I don’t think anyone reads it, and I’m always doing something else.

I am finally out of the retail nightmare. That may sound melodramatic, but that’s how it felt. Every day, the same. Bright lights, bright signs telling you to spend spend spend. Being forced to listen to “music” on repeat. Covers from long forgotten cheap pop songs from the turn of the century. Capitalising on something so innocent; creativity. I was naive to think that the company wished to promote people’s creativity for honest, positive reasons. Over a year later I have come to understand that the reality is that they are happy providing it makes them money. That’s it, and people fall for it every day. Good people. People who just want to make their kids happy. I don’t want to work in an environment that revolves its existence around greed ever again.

I’m working for a charity. A charity that supports young people with mental health problems in my local area. I started as a volunteer receptionist and then they offered (they offered) me a full time position as a administrator and receptionist apprentice. That sounds pretty dull on paper, and I was somewhat hesitant at first, but when you break it down, it’s learning valuable skills for maintaining any business, art, therapy or otherwise and it’s doing it all in an environment I’ve wanted to be in for months. I’m taking referrals: talking to vulnerable people about their problems and taking the responsibility of providing them with the best support. Soon, I’ll be a trained listening support worker, which is the first step to becoming a therapist. The dream is starting to shape its self again. I can’t believe how being in the wrong job can seriously effect your mental health. I don’t think people talk about that enough.

But I’m in a dilemma. The catch to this fantastic opportunity is that its minimum wage, and while I could probably survive and just be a bit poor for a while, the sensible adult in me (and Ryan) is telling me to find a second job at the weekends. I gave the retail job a go for a while. I thought doing Saturdays would be easy for a bit of extra income. Turns out, when you leave a place that was making you miserable and replace it with a job that is challenging, stimulating and interesting, going back to that original role is soul crushing. By no longer being institutionalised by performing the same repetitive acts day after day, you really do see it for what it really is, and I can’t tell you how difficult is it to suck it up and act like a robot for 8 hours a week.

Maybe I’m weak, maybe I should try harder, pull a fake smile and take the pay check every month. The job is poss easy, after all. I just can’t. No part of me wants it. It serves nothing for me anymore, and to be quite honest, I’m just not that desperate.

So I have some options. I either find another job; a bar job once or twice a week, a waitressing job or something else similar to that setting (please people and get them stuff). Do I want to do that? No. Sounds awful. People suck, I’m sick of throwing fake smiles at them.

Or

I give being an artist a go. I actually take the plunge and go for it. Evenings and Saturdays are the times of my week that I do anything I can think of to get my work off the ground and try my very hardest to make some money. Because if I don’t try now, when will I? This is the option my gut is telling me to do, but everyone is telling me it’s unrealistic.

But if I never try, I’ll never know.

And I so want to try.

[kaleidoscope-minds]

Big plans, dream lands and the colour purple. 🔮_______________________________ #purple (at Bath, Somerset)