reminiscent @kenzo3y - Tumblr Blog

8/17/19

i don’t want to talk anymore, i just want to be understood. it’s so difficult to choke out words when i know it will come out as angry and frustrated. and it seems as though every time i do communicate my feelings to you, they’re invalidated because it’s angry. and then it turns around on me, because i’m the one who has attitude. because how are you supposed to respond to someone who is angry and irritated.

i don’t wanna have to explain myself anymore, because i already told you. i’ve been hating feeling uneasy around you because of our lack of intimacy. i go to bed, and you’re in bed, but we don’t sleep together. you’re on your phone, and i’m on my phone. you don’t like to hold me and you push me away. even with sex it feels disconnected. i haven’t been satisfied because you’re focused on yourself more than me.

our intimacy is turning robotic, and i’ve been suppressing my feelings for so long, i’ve been feeling so uncomfortable. it never seems like a big deal, because it’s something that can be passed off every day. it doesn’t seem important. but it’s always the bigger picture. and it’s always the reason why these fights have been becoming bigger.

the feeling of not being understood. like my feelings do not matter. like my emotions need to be suppressed because i don’t know how to express myself kindly. i don’t know how to deal with my anger. all my feelings of discomfort have been bottled up, to a point where i’ve been blowing up. it makes me realize that all my life, since i’ve been young, i’ve been told by my family to suppress my emotions whether it be happy or angry. nothing feels worse than the feeling of my chest literally suffocating from having to control myself. i’ve been inside my own head, in my own heart, and i can’t even express it to my own husband.

i’m sorry it always ends this way. i’m sorry for making you feel like you’re always wrong, because i always end up crawled into a ball, breathing uncontrollably, crying hysterically. but this is how i feel, and i’m standing up for my feelings. i’ve been beating myself up for so long i didn’t even realize it, nor did you.

july 16, 2019

today i realize that i am at peace. it has been years since i’ve written anything, years since i’ve felt the need to voice out my thoughts -- and it’s because i haven’t felt the need to resort to writing my feelings out since i now have people that i trust my heart with. since high school, i’ve been writing everything that i’ve been thinking about and all the problems that i felt like no one would be able to give me solutions to. it’s somewhat cathartic to be in this place now, where for once, i can finally breath, and for once, i am writing because i am forcing myself to finally document a peaceful time in my life.

i’ve finally reached that place in my life i never thought i could reach. despite the lingering problems that hang over my back, i straddle it with the strength, courage, and love that i’ve cultivated for years since i learned how to manipulate my pain into something positive. i look to my friends and peers who are just now, struggling with the same pain -- at different degrees -- which i’ve dealt with at a younger age, when i was alone and had no guidance on how to navigate that pain. now i’m grateful. i’m grateful for the hardship and pain that i had to endure on my own. i’m grateful to God for dragging me through the worst kind of grief, sorrow, and self-loathing. through that pain i’ve become unbreakable. through that pain, God has seen me, and God has blessed me with the gift of peace and content. no money could ever buy anyone that content, which i’ve found in my self-love, and the people that i have carefully chosen to be a part of my life.

from the day we fell in love with each other I knew that I'd spend the rest of my life with you. I'm not even saying that in such an overly cliche romantic way but in a completely truthful way. I even told you that as a warning, that the next person I want to date, I would want to be my husband. And it was you all along, we're soulmates that God created for each other and nothing short of that.

I think for a long time I've been channeling the words that I want to hear from people and using it on other people's problems instead of mine. I always like to play therapist and paint myself as a person that embodies strength and wisdom. But I'm not. If anything I am feeling more pain than the people that I am trying to mend. And it's funny how everything works because at the end of the day I'm not even listening to my own advice. It's just not that easy.

be the hero

when you meet someone, be kind. be warm and inviting when they are lost and have nobody to go to. don’t pretend like you don’t see them when you are with your other friends. notice them. don’t wait for them to come up to you. remove the mentality of thinking that one should approach you if they really want to make friends. be courageous. be understanding, don’t be quick to judge. introduce them to your other friends. make them feel comfortable. when you find out something bad about them, don’t make that your lasting impression on them. people change, and one thing they do does not define who they are. don’t be fake, but don’t be rude. always be kind to others and people will be respectful unto you.

I recall the countless memories and events that have happened in my life that I fortunately was able to document in my diaries. Today I have been inspired to look forward to a dream. An aspiration in my future. A definite goal that I working towards achieving, and I know that whether or not it would be successful, it would be fulfilling for me. I am planning to write a book. I have always wanted to write one but, in my younger ages, I was unable to think of any significant topic that would be fitting enough to capture the attention of readers. I don’t want to write some petty love story like John Green. I want to write something with intent and deep meaning. I want to write about a topic that I know so well that I would be able to write a flow of words that would eventually be composed into a meaningful story. What better story to tell than my own?

As an undocumented immigrant, everything negative I have experienced in my life has given me a much heavier burden. Some of these things I want to list down because these are important events in my life that have impacted me the most:

1. The DREAM Act making me believe my college tuition would be paid for, but it wasn’t.

2. Moving back to America, knowing that my family and I would have to start over financially because for the first time we would be living as undocumented immigrants.

3. My father’s death.

4. My mother’s heart attack.

5. The process of trying to get my drivers’ license.

However, there are also some positive points I need to address in my book. These are the things that gave my life meaning and hope. Without it, my story would be incomplete.

1. My developing relationship with my bestfriend, and eventually, boyfriend, JR.

2. Getting my first job as a tutor.

3. Getting my first real job at Fingerprint Ink.

4. Going to school at CSU East Bay and, despite our very low income, being able to afford it for 2 years so far.

5. My bestfriends, Cristel, Heather, Kim, Nique, Faith, and Danica, who have all been there for me since I was 10 years old, and continues to share their care for me given my difficult situation.

6. My mother’s guidance.

It still hurts so much. Looking at pictures of when my dad passed away and reading the condolence comments and remembering the pain I felt that day.. It's like a recurring nightmare. It hides from me but it's still there and it will never go away for as long as I love papa. I cry so much still. I'm still broken. No matter how much I laugh and no matter how much I've held my head high and kept myself strong.. I have always been broken.

perhaps the key to happiness is to let go of the weight. and when you jump you can only float. let go of gravity

You know usually, people would meet the person that they love but they don't actually or technically need that person in their life. They can be happy without them, life can be bearable, and they have friends and family and other things that can keep them occupied and happy. I thought of love to be that way - to only give yourself to a person if you believe that you actually need them in your life. That's why I doubted for months, but then my life got worse and more lonely and he was the only person that stood by me to listen and truly understand what I'm going through. Throughout the duration of him courting me, so many unfortunate things have happened that, without his constant comfort, I would have been weaker and perhaps lost the effort to continue living. But because of his undying and unconditional love, his effortless ways of making me laugh, and just the simple comfort of his touch, I am able to see the light in everything. I forget the darkness and remember that happiness will always exist if I accept it. And so I accepted his love and I opened my heart and I am so happy that I could cry. I have someone that I need and he loves me and I love him for everything that he is and for everything that we are, together, and that's all that matters.

when they say that losing one guy means you're getting closer to "the one," i believe it is absolutely true. every first couple of relationships are like experiments and when you break up with them, each reason becomes a value you look for in the next person. it all piles up, and when you finally find him, that's when you realize.

fueled with anger

love mixed in its potion

yelling words with

a confused notion

we lay on our beds wondering where we would go

where we've been and where we want to be

our hearts beat, synchronized

pulsating,

then sinking.

fists clenching,

hands touching.

then i know, i know for sure,

our love conquers everything

for as long as we count the infinity of stars.

ever since he left me i've felt 10 times worse whenever i hurt. whenever i feel upset about something completely on a different topic i hurt so much. and when i cry i cry because my loneliness pangs in. how are you supposed to live and feel normally when a part of you left. my papa left me forever and nobody can ever replace that emptiness in my body. nobody. i will always be sad. i will never not be sad. i can be happy, partially, mostly, but that sadness will always be there. it's a curse.

Eulogy

On January 22, 2014, the world lost the most hardworking, faithful and genuine man I had ever known – my father. My dad always had such strength and perseverance, that even through poverty and all the other struggles my family had to go through, he was able to carry us along the way. I believe it was because God was always on his side. He was active in his duty as a deacon, and had a submissive heart as a member of the Church of Christ. He cared for the brethren, and I remember my mom and I would always nag at him for never being able to say “no” whenever people would ask for his help. He was always so kind and giving, and he sacrificed so much of his time and strength to be there for everyone.

My father most of all, cared for his family. We encountered so many difficulties in our life -- we moved from place to place, we struggled financially, we never really had a normal and peaceful life, but my dad worked hard to maintain our family, to keep us living. Even if he was getting weak and tired from working, he still pushed through to provide what our family needed.

You know I didn't need to go to a University because I know we were already having a hard time paying for our basic needs but my dad never said anything against it, even though I was waiting for him to tell me that I should go to a cheaper college. He just came into my room one time and said, "Don't lose hope." He wanted the best for me even if it meant making sacrifices. You know we can all agree that he can be very quiet, but when he did speak, he spoke words full of wisdom and dignity. And even if we didn’t talk much, he knew when I needed him.

I felt so much pain when I found out that I’d lost my father, because I knew that I wouldn’t have him to lead me to the right direction in life anymore. But he's already taught me so much during the 18 years I've had with him, so I'm confident that I could hold myself up the rest of the way. That's what he would have wanted -- for me to be strong enough to lead myself to the bright future he has always hoped for me to have. My mom told me that he even said that he's prayed for me, my little brother and sister already, so even if he won't live long enough to take care of us, we will always be in the hands of God. And I believe his prayer was answered, because up till now and forever, I know that my family and I will always remain as faithful servants of God as my father always was.

For all that he has been, he is an inspiration to all of us, especially for me. I'll live by his words and strive to become as strong, caring, and faithful as he always was. And if he was still here, if he could listen to me right now, I would thank him, for giving nothing but a positive impact to all of us before he left this world.

I had a dream that you were there pa. I was on the phone with you as if you have always been there, you were telling me to remember what you said about not coming home too late from BART. And when I got back you were driving me, like you always would, and you told me that you were so proud of me. That I was a strong girl.. I forgot the rest but you were just telling me how good I turned out to be and I told you that I love you so much papa. And you said it hurts, it still hurts, you still feel pain. It's okay papa, I'm here. I'm always here, just forget about the pain. Then I woke up.

i love him, i do, i believe i always have. that's why i am not so afraid to fall in love with him. it is merely the side-effect of your love getting broken. you are careful of who to pick to help you to put the pieces together. you're angry at anyone who even tries to go near you, and that's what happened to me. i pushed and pushed him away, i've tried to so many times but i found that maybe he is the one for me. i thought that it wouldn't get any better than what i used to have but now i feel like i skyrocketed to an even higher standard. someone who genuinely loves me and cares about me. someone who knows what he wants in life. someone as independent as me and has the same priorities and values. someone who can actually act like themselves with me, and vise versa. it's hard to find someone like him, and i was just lucky enough to have someone like him fall in love with me so much that we already see a future together even though our relationship is only beginning.

well i'm just glad to say that after my break up i was strong and i picked myself up and i had friends to support me along the way. i was even luckier to have a better guy come along to mend my heart and show me that it does get better.

that's why even when you're in a relationship with someone, you should never neglect your friends. just because that person has a higher priority than everyone else, doesn't mean you should ignore everyone else. technically, the only people that will ever be completely loyal to you is your friends and family. and when you trade them for someone else who gives more love than you feel you've ever gotten from everyone else, the world will come crashing down on you when you find out that they were only temporary. and when you come looking for your friends and family, it'll be too late, and you will have no one but yourself, unless you're lucky enough to have someone forgiving enough of your selfishness.

In the abyss of the world lies great uncertainty. We believe that we understand the path to which we have carefully drawn the imprints of where our footsteps would lie. But in reality there is no clear pavement. In fact we are standing on needles, not knowing where we'd tip over, and whether we'd survive the fall.

#personal

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